Before you read this post, take 30 seconds and see if you can write down 6 attributes of what an emotionally intelligent coach might possess. Go ahead and write them down. Once you have committed to what you think, read on and see how closely you and I agree.
My Story
I had a very interesting conversation with a client the other day on the topic of coaching verses directing people on his team.
I really became curious about what makes up an emotionally intelligent coach a number of years ago when I wrote my first book Seven Secrets of an Emotionally Intelligent Coach. This idea recently came back to me as I was having a conversation with a friend of mine regarding some feedback he received from his team. The feedback came in the form of “You tell us what do do a lot. We know what to do. What we need from you is more direction on how we go about doing the tasks in certain situations.”
Here is a snippet of our conversation:
He said, “Scott, I really want to coach the people on my team but there are certain times and situations where I find just telling them what to do is easier.”
"I really get this.” I empathized. "There are times when it probably is easier and even the right thing to do. Telling is certainly easier. But is easier always the goal?”
Ken Blanchard, in his Situational Leadership model, acknowledges this. He writes that if the development level of the individual you are working with is inexperienced and they don’t have a lot of knowledge on a subject, telling them what to do (directing) is an appropriate strategy!
So, I asked my client, “How experienced are the people on your team?”
Turns out that everyone on the team has been there for at least 3 years or more. I think Blanchard would say that more than likely, as long as the task the person is doing is not new, the people need something besides being directed! They know what to do, but they might need help with how to do it, especially if circumstances are unique.
Let’s make this practical.
A sales person with 3 years of experience should know how to prospect for new business. They don’t need direction on “what prospecting is.” Instead, what they may need from you as their leader is what prospecting might look like during times of customer ambiguity, like we are experiencing right now with COVID. How might they go about prospecting new customers when the customers are not sure what the next week will look like, let alone what the next 6 months will be?
As a coach, you can help them develop a clear vision and strategy for this. Sure, it takes time. And it is not easy. But in the end, don’t you hire smart people? Why not take the time to coach them? Set clear expectations. See where they have questions. Then get out of the way and let them shine!
The Emotionally Intelligent Coach
What the people on a team need, as long as they have experience and knowledge, is coaching.
Coaching is how leaders support the growth of people on their team.
The main idea around coaching is helping other others become better than they thought even possible by understanding what they are experiencing and rising above it. Coaches set expectations about the performance of where the person is and where they need to be in the future. All of this is done with the maintenance of a mutually satisfying relationship. Coaches have a way of maintaining the relationship while stretching the person to grow. This stretching is often results in shifting the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of the person to be more than they even thought possible themselves.
Self-Actualization
Self-Actualization is an emotional intelligence attribute that has to do with the coaches pursuit of meaning and their own growth and development. It is about you as the coach knowing what you want for yourself and your team. If you know what you want as a vision for your team, you can clearly define the expectations you have. If you don’t know what you want, in the immortal words of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, “Any road will get you there.” Expectations of what the people on the team need to do have to be clear. Without setting clear expectations people will fill in the gap with what they think you as the leader want. Emotionally Intelligent Coaches have a clear line of sight for the vision they have for the team.
Emotional Self-Awareness
Emotional Self-Awareness is all about understanding your own emotions and realizing when they are starting to get the best of you. My friend in the story above knows he needs to coach, but when tension comes in or the world gets complex and he doesn’t quite understand things, we tend to default to safety. And for him, it just feels safe telling people what to do. If a coach is aware when they are stressed or triggered, then they can start to learn to step back from this coach out of curiosity rather than fall victim to the stress of the moment and resort back to “tell mode.”
Empathy
Empathy is about understanding the other person’s perspective. Such as the age old adage of “walk a mile in their shoes.” I always add to this, true empathy is walking a mile in their shoes even if the shoes don’t fit. A good coach takes the time to understand what it is that the person is really experiencing. If they are having a hard time meeting the expectation, jump into the mirky water with them and understand what it is they are going through. Not what your interpretation is of what they are going through, but actually what it is they are experiencing. You as the coach are not judging at this point. You are really observing and just trying to understand what the situation is that they are in. You cannot help them change their circumstance if you do not understand where they are currently.
Reality Testing
This attribute is often overlooked when it comes to coaching. The idea behind Reality Testing is being objective, not allowing emotion to cloud your picture of how things really are. This attribute ties in well with Emotional Self-Awareness. Emotions have a way of clouding our decisions and our judgments. Reality Testing argues for understanding the impact that your emotions have on your ability to see things clearly and objectively. We all have certain biases that come into every decision we make. Many of these biases are implicit and we don’t even realize we have them or that they are entering into our processes. My friend in the story above was trying to make his life easy by telling his team what to do. What happened was he lost his objectivity on what the goal for the team really is. My friend, due to the stress and complexity of his role, was losing his ability to be objective in the moment which hampered his ability to coach.
Interpersonal Relationships
This attribute often gets confused with friendship. You do not have to be friends with those on your team to have good interpersonal relationships. What you do have to have is a relationship that is mutually satisfying. There is nothing in the “rule book” that says you have to go out for beers after work in order to have a good relationship. This attribute of emotional intelligence argues simply that you get your emotional needs met from the relationship and they get from you what they need. In the story above, the people on my friend’s team are not getting the emotional needs they have met. What they needed from their boss was to know that he has their backs. If the relationship is transactional and the needs are transactional, then it is mutually satisfying. So, if I am in a grocery store and the person is helping me check out and they are friendly, that is what I need. They need me to smile back and pay my bill. Thats it; mutually satisfying. At work, the relationships are often deeper and the needs are deeper. The coach has to get to know the emotional need of the people on the team in order to satisfy them.
Assertiveness
Finally, a coach must be able to be assertive. They need to have a clear understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and be able to assert them in a non-threatening way. If the employee is not meeting expectations, then the coach has to be able to convey this clearly and without drama. If they are exceeding expectations, then communicate what you think and feel and believe about it. To be assertive links to self-actualization. You have to know what you expect before you can ever assert what you think or believe. Assertiveness is always safe for the person being coached. There should not be anger or anything close to that level of emotion. There should be confidence and self-assurance, but not to the point the other person feels any threat. It is vital to maintain a safe learning environment in coaching.
Final Thought
These are the 6 attributes of an emotionally intelligent coach. They are not set in stone as absolutes, but my hope is that they foster some discussion for you and the people on your leadership team.
Why not ask at your next staff meeting what your team thinks are the 6 attributes of an emotionally intelligent coach like I did with you at the beginning of this post? See what kind of conversation you get started.
If you want to know more about linking emotional intelligence and coaching, I would love to have a conversation. I have several clients who are considering doing some training with coaches on their teams around this idea. If you want to learn more, give me a shout out and we can set up a time to talk.