I saw an article the other day in my news feed. It had a catchy title, something that really caught my eye regarding the “COVID fog" people are experiencing. I clicked on it to explore what the author had to say about the topic, and about 4 minutes into the read, the curiosity that caused me to open the thing to begin with still had not been satisfied.
I had to spend 7 minutes to get to the one main point, the reason I wanted to read the post in the first place. It was all very frustrating.
I just wanted to know what the title of the article had promised to deliver, which should have taken 45 seconds, not 7 minutes. I get the whole advertising business model that drives this kind of writing, but frankly, I find it very annoying!
No, how I really feel is, that I HATE THAT!
So, because that tactic annoys me so much, here is the one question quiz I promised you in the title of the article. (I timed it...you’re about 45 seconds into the reading so far…)
Which of the following statements best describes when a leader is being emotional?
They react with a knee jerk reaction.
They snap in anger when something isn't right.
They say to themselves, "I am so stupid, why did I do that?”
They yell when tension is high to get their point across.
They are overly confident in their position even when the facts show there is reason to question.
The overly optimistic way they present doesn't fit the reality of the situation.
All of the above.
I gave the question, and now you have to wait until the end of the post for the answer to the quiz....
Just kidding!
At this point, I hope the answer is obvious. All of these answers show that there is a fine line between expressing emotion and being emotional. I hope you take a deep breath and think about that line before you read on.
Perhaps even pull out a sheet of paper and a pen, then spend a few moments journaling what you are thinking about this one question quiz. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back. I am really interested in what you think about the difference between showing emotional intelligence and being emotional.
Underlying Philosophy
Since all of the thoughts we as humans have come with an emotion attached, then really what exists is a range of emotion attached to any thought. The person who goes into a meeting with a "poker face" thinking they will not express emotion on a topic is giving those they are interacting with in the room some type of clue as to where they stand. “At ease” is just the opposite end of the “glad” emotional expression range from “ecstatic.” Just like “bothered” is the low end of the “mad” emotional expression range from “furious.”
So, if all our thoughts and behaviors have some emotional component to them, then the question to me becomes, how do I pick the right emotion to fit the moment?
To put it another way, How do I display emotion without being emotional?
The Real Answer To the Quiz Question
The primary idea to being emotionally intelligent is knowing when to display the right emotion, at the right time, for the right context. If you get it right, then that shows intelligence. If you get it wrong, well then maybe not so much intelligence.
How does a leader:
...not give knee jerk responses? They balance the lack of Impulse Control with Empathy. Show care and compassion for the other person's needs, not the immediate gratification of your own.
...not become angry when something isn't right? They balance the lack of Emotional Self-Awareness with Interpersonal Relationships. Prioritize the mutual satisfaction of the relationship over your own selfishness.
...not talk down to themselves? They balance the lack of Self-Regard with Optimism. Practice positive self-talk and stop seeing failure as an outcome.
...not yell to get a point across? They balance an over Assertiveness with Emotional Flexibility. Find a different emotion on the Mad Scale. Substitute Irritated for Furious.
...display overconfidence in a position? They balance their strong Self-Actualization needs with Reality Testing. Taking a pause and being curious about fact rather than fixated on a position.
I think you get the idea. If a leader is being emotional, then the idea is to strengthen another emotional competency. If the leader is prone to an overly optimistic explanatory style, then strengthening the competency of reality testing will create the needed balance .
I liken this to a weightlifter who wants to get his/her body into condition. The lifter just loves to do arms, focusing all the development efforts on building biceps and triceps. They go into the gym everyday and all they do is lift as much weight as they can with their arms. After a while, the arms look really strong. However, without giving some attention to strengthening the legs, the body isn't really in condition.
The same is true for emotionally intelligent leaders. The key is balance. The real signature to the emotionally intelligent leader is not how much confidence they have, or what great relationships they have, or even how compassionate they are. Emotionally Intelligent leaders need balance to effectively lead a group of followers in a healthy and meaningful way.
The 7 minute point.
I figured I don't ever have to bury the lead in my blogging because I don't advertise. I don't sell ads and I never will. I don't write for revenue. I write for all of you. To stimulate thinking on the topic I am most passionate about: Organizational Leadership. So if you hate ads too in your own personal blogosphere, then why not pass this post on to a few people you think might enjoy it?. Feel free to share with confidence we will never sell to them!
Now some of you are saying, there is no way that you can assess someone's emotional intelligence with just one question. Most models for assessing emotional and social functioning are built upon multiple constructs such as Self-Awareness, Emotional Expression, Interpersonal Relationships, Stress-Management, and Problem-Solving.
So how could it be possible, with just one question, to ascertain your emotional intelligence? After all, most assessments for this leadership trait have at least 100 questions to give an answer to this question. I completely understand the argument that the details and intricacies of each of these domains is so nuanced and complex that you need questions that come at each of them from multiple perspectives to access a person's skill in any particular domain.
All of the very detailed complexities of assessing a person's emotional intelligence do require distinguishing lenses to give perspective as to how a leader might generally show up. If a "score" is going to be given for a particular trait such as Emotional Flexibility then I totally agree that you need several, if not many, questions to give a numeric level of ability.
However, in the crucible of leadership, when the pressure is really on you do you have the time or the mental resources to stop and think about the skill level of your Emotional Flexibility? I think not. And that is only one of 15 or more competencies in the area of emotional intelligence that you would have to assess to determine your overall emotional intelligence and how the skills are serving you in any particular moment.
The emotional component is too complex to really deal with in the moment. Most of us have things we are really strong with, such as our Self-Regard or Optimism. These serve you well most of the time.
The question I started asking myself is this one, "Are there times when my Emotional Intelligence strength is overplayed?" The answer for most of us is a resounding yes.
If the person who is so Empathic doesn't balance it with ensuring that relationships are mutually satisfying will at some point burn out. It is inevitable.
If as leaders we can ask ourselves this one question, then perhaps our level of followership will be enhanced. To turn around as leaders and know that the people who are following us really want to be there. After all, isn't that the point?