When I first started doing work using a model for emotional intelligence, I assumed every company would have its own set of problems., unique to the industry or the job the person is tasked with. So, I start many of the emotional intelligence workshops I facilitate by asking attendees to jot down some of the biggest interpersonal or decision-making challenges they experience at their company.
Turns out I was wrong.
People across all organizations repeatedly make the same kinds of mistakes. It doesn’t matter what industry, the age of the company, or the caliber of employees, there seems to be similar mistakes made across the board.
I think I have facilitated over 250 workshops on emotional intelligence over the past 10 years or so. In every single workshop, I have people write down the characteristics of great leaders and poor leaders. Next, I have them share these characteristics to see which ones tend to occur most often.
For the leaders who end up in the poor leader group, here are the top 3 that surface the most often:
1. They Don’t Listen
It is really amazing when I ask the participants in a workshop who would like to share a characteristic of a poor leader, 100% of the time the first response is…
“They don’t listen.”
I know this is my perception, but if I have done 250 workshops on emotional intelligence, 250 times I have heard “They don’t listen.”
Now, I do not have access to these leaders who my participants say are poor listeners. I don’t even know the names of the people they are thinking about. To tell you the truth, at that moment, I don’t want to know those specifics.
However, if I did have access to these leaders and I was to ask them “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?” I bet they would say, “At least an 8.”
How do I know?
Because I ask that question of leaders a lot, and very few have rated themselves below average.
What about you?
If I would ask you, “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?
What would you say?
I doubt many of you would say 5 or lower.
And yet, when I run my classes many of the participants say that poor listening is the number one issue.
The Skill Of Listening
Some of you might be thinking you know what, Scott is right! Leaders in our organization need to learn to listen better! Lets put together a training and teach people how to listen.
Now before you run off and make that mistake, show some impulse control and slow down a minute.
I don’t think the listening issue in organizations is skill-based, which is what training is meant to provide. My guess is that everyone in your organization knows how to listen. They already have the knowledge and skills, they just do not implement them.
So if it is not a skill issue then what is the problem?
Why is it that on one hand, most leaders think they are pretty good at listening, while it is the attribute that people in the organization think is lacking most?
While the number of reasons is likely vast, what I catch myself doing most often is formulating my response before the person even finishes their sentence. When I am listening the best, I am not working on formulating an opinion of my own. Rather, I am trying to be curious and ask questions.
If you want to be a better listener, become a better question asker.
2. They Lack Empathy
The second most common response to my question regarding the traits of poor leaders is that they lack empathy.
Empathy is best thought of as an ability to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the thoughts and feelings of others. Empathic people care about others and show interest and concern for them. It is really an ability to non-judgmentally put into words your understanding of another person’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it or you find that perspective to be ridiculous.
The problem for most leaders who show a lack of empathy is that they are confused by what it is NOT!
First, empathy is not being nice or pleasant all the time. Empathy is hard work, trying to understand what it is that the other person is trying to communicate.
Second, empathy is not sympathy. Empathy has a caring action component associated with it. Sympathy is nothing more than mirroring back the emotion you are feeling. Being empathic involves not only mirroring the emotion but moving beyond it by showing caring and compassionate action.
There was a lady who was getting on my plane the other day. I think the bag she was pulling behind her to put in the overhead bin weighed at least as much as she did. If I am sympathetic toward her, I might say, “Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift!” I am sympathetic to the circumstance she is in.
However, if I am empathetic I might say, "Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift, let me help you with that.” Now, you don’t always have to get in and do something, there are times where you might have to direct the person to do something hard themselves.
Third, leaders feel if they are empathetic then the person will think they agree with them or in some way approving their position. Not so. What empathy does is puts you in conversation to understand why it is that the person feels the way they do and then gives you an opportunity to walk them to your side. Without empathy, what a leader is left with is leaving the person to feel misunderstood or dictated too.
3. They Are Not Present
The third most common thing I hear in my workshops is that when I am with a poor leader I feel like I am not even in the room, or just as bad, they are not in the room.
I guess I just don’t understand why people think the relationship on their phone is more important than the person that is in front of them.
I know you are working on something really important, or your boss needs a response right away, etc., but I would like you to step back for a moment and reflect.
Really?
That many times in a day?
Really?
What you are communicating with the person in front of you is that they are not important. Period!
No matter what other agenda items you want to come up with, the message the person in front of you is receiving is that they are not important, or at least not as important as whatever else has distracted your attention.
What do you say? Let’s all put our phones away and really be present with the people who are in front of us at the moment.
Well, there you have it. These are the top 3 things I hear from people in my emotional intelligence workshops. I am sure as a leader you would never fall into any of these traps.
Right?