3 Reasons People Make Change

As a coach, I'm often asked, "Why do people change?" This question reveals a lot about how we perceive human potential & our role as leaders in nurturing growth. Let's explore three key reasons people change & how leaders can support this process.

The Capacity for Change

Before we dive into the reasons people change, let's briefly touch on our capacity for transformation. Our brains are incredibly adaptable, constantly forming new connections in response to our experiences & choices. This neuroplasticity is the foundation of personal growth. As leaders, understanding our capacity for change can profoundly impact how we approach development in our teams & ourselves.

3 Reasons People Make Change

1. Increased Self-Understanding

When individuals gain a deeper understanding of themselves - their strengths, weaknesses, & impact on others - they often identify aspects they want to improve.

In practice, this might manifest as an executive recognizing that their direct leadership style, while efficient in crisis situations, actually suppresses creativity & team involvement in day-to-day operations. By understanding this gap between their default approach & the needs of their organization, they can make intentional changes. 

Leadership Insight: How are you helping your team members gain self-understanding? Are you providing regular, constructive feedback that helps them recognize their impact?

2. Heightened Awareness of Others 

As people become more attuned to how their actions affect those around them, they often feel motivated to change. This increased awareness can lead to significant personal growth and improved relationships.

Picture a leader who's always chasing the next deadline. One day, they notice their team seems stressed & uninspired. And suddenly it clicks: Always rushing for quick wins is hurting the big picture. So they try something new. They start planning further ahead, invest time in their team's growth, & really champion taking breaks & logging off. Soon enough, they see the payoff - a more stable team, more creative solutions, & stronger results across the board.

Leadership Insight: How are you modeling awareness of others in your leadership? Are you creating opportunities for your team to develop & practice this skill?

3. Internal Drive

People with a strong sense of internal motivation are often driven by personal satisfaction and a desire for growth rather than external rewards. This internal drive can be a powerful force for change.

Imagine an executive with a grand vision for their organization's future. They might recognize that to turn that vision into reality, they need to transform their own leadership approach. They begin challenging themselves to be more bold, to inspire more innovative thinking in their team, & to make gutsier decisions. It's their internal drive to create something truly significant that pushes them to grow & change as a leader.

Leadership Insight: How are you tapping into your team members' internal motivations? Are you providing opportunities for growth that align with their personal goals?

Why Do People Change? The Leader's Role in Facilitating Transformation

Understanding why people change is only half the battle. Our job as leaders isn't just to see the potential for transformation - it's to create an environment where change can thrive. Here are a few tricks to help you get started: 

1. Encourage regular self-reflection: Create opportunities for your team to pause & evaluate their progress, challenges, & goals. This could be through guided exercises or dedicated time for introspection.

2. Provide constructive feedback: Offer specific, actionable insights that highlight both strengths & areas for improvement. Make this a two-way street by also soliciting feedback on your leadership.

3. Offer opportunities for skill development: Invest in your team's growth by providing access to training, workshops, or stretch assignments that align with their career aspirations & your organizational needs.

4. Recognize & celebrate growth: Acknowledge the efforts & progress your team members make, not just the end results. This reinforces the value of the change process itself.

5. Model the change you want to see: Demonstrate your own commitment to growth by openly sharing your learning experiences & how you're applying new insights.

As you implement these strategies, you'll find yourself naturally shifting from simply understanding why people change to actively supporting & nurturing that change. This journey will challenge you to examine your own assumptions & see your team members not just as they are, but as they're becoming. It's this perspective - viewing people through the lens of their potential - that truly elevates leadership & drives meaningful transformation.

Moving Forward: Leveraging the 3 Reasons People Change

Leadership & personal growth go hand in hand, & understanding why people change is the thread that ties it all together. By recognizing these three drivers of change & nurturing an environment that champions growth, you're paving the way for both your team & yourself to thrive.

But understanding why people change is just the first step in your leadership journey. The real power comes from applying this knowledge to transform your leadership style & your organization. Navigating this transformation can be challenging – that's where expert guidance can make all the difference.

I’ve invested more than 3 decades helping leaders like you not just understand change, but leverage it to drive personal & organizational growth. Through coaching, you'll learn to:

1. Identify & nurture the catalysts for positive change in yourself & your team

2. Create an environment that supports & accelerates personal & professional growth

3. Develop strategies to overcome resistance to change, both internal & external

4. Transform your leadership style to inspire & guide your team through periods of change

To learn how Dr. Livingston’s expertise in change management & leadership development can help you turn the insights from this blog into actionable strategies for your organization, click here. 

Deeper Questions: A Lesson in Listening and Empathy

One ordinary day, my daughter Gretchen sparked a thought-provoking conversation with a simple text message to me. Her inquiry was seemingly straightforward: "If the average person had to choose whether to be bored or stressed, which would they pick?" Little did I know, her question would unravel layers of introspection and self-discovery for me.

Initially, I found myself approaching her question from a narrow perspective, juxtaposing stress with relaxation and boredom with energization. Yet, Gretchen's query challenged me to reconsider these concepts in a new light. It wasn't merely about contrasting states of being; it was about understanding the underlying motivations and preferences of individuals.

In hindsight, I realize that my response missed the mark.

Instead of embracing her curiosity and delving into the heart of her inquiry, I allowed my pride to overshadow genuine connection. My knee-jerk reaction reflected more about my insecurities than it did about empathizing with her perspective.

However, Gretchen's graciousness and patience revealed the true essence of our relationship. Rather than admonishing me for my shortcomings, she offered understanding and insight into her intentions. Her revelations from the exchange shed light on the real question behind her initial inquiry.

This experience served as a profound lesson for me TOO.

It highlighted the importance of active listening and empathy in all communication. Too often, we get caught up in our narratives, failing to truly understand the underlying motivations of those around us.

Moving forward, I am committed to honing my skills in deciphering the question behind the question. Realizing that genuine connection lies in the ability to understand and empathize with others' perspectives, I aspire now to approach every interaction with an open heart and a curious mind.

In the end, it's not just about finding the right answer; it's about fostering meaningful connections built on mutual understanding and empathy. And therein lies the true essence of communication and relationships – a journey of exploration and discovery, guided by empathy and genuine curiosity.

Embracing Critical Thinking: Beyond Misconceptions and One-Liners

In a world fraught with discord, where misinformation often fuels our debates, there's one consensus we could strive for - acknowledging Gene Roddenberry's genius. As the mastermind behind Star Trek, Roddenberry not only crafted captivating characters but also imparted profound wisdom through their dialogue.

Amidst the quips and adventures of Dr. McCoy, Mr. Scott, and Captain Kirk, it's Mr. Spock's rationality that resonates deeply in today's tumultuous times. His assertion, "In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see," serves as a poignant reminder of our innate biases.

We're prone to cherry-picking facts to fit our narratives, as evidenced by popular misconceptions like the efficacy of Vitamin C in boosting immunity or the visibility of the Great Wall of China from space. However, as Dr. Diane Halpern aptly notes, in this era inundated with information, critical thinking has never been more imperative.

Yet, critical thinking demands more than a cursory Google search. It necessitates introspection and discernment. Take, for instance, the misconception surrounding Vitamin C. While anecdotes may tout its benefits, a deeper inquiry reveals the nuanced truth: our immune systems function optimally without artificial "boosts."

So, before we cling to long-held beliefs or perpetuate anecdotal evidence, let's cultivate humility and curiosity. In a world inundated with noise, it's our commitment to critical thinking that will illuminate the path forward. Let's embrace the humility to say:

“I don’t know, but I am open to learning more.”

Embracing Growth: Understanding the Dynamics of Personal Change

In my coaching practice, a common inquiry I encounter is, “Can people truly change?” It's a query that resonates deeply, especially in organizational settings where the belief persists that individuals are inherently static, like leopards unable to alter their spots. However, science tells us otherwise. With every cell in our bodies regenerating every 7 to 10 years, the potential for change is undeniable.

But beyond the capability for change lies a more nuanced question, “Can people choose to grow?” The answer lies in individual agency and the conscious decision to evolve. Yet, amidst this journey of self-transformation, a crucial consideration emerges.

Will others acknowledge and accept this change?

Reflecting on my experiences, I've witnessed individuals navigating profound transformations for various reasons, encapsulated by three key motivations:

1. Intentional Evolution: Often, the motivation for change arises from a dissonance between one's intentions and their impact. An example is someone whose communication style inadvertently fosters misunderstanding despite their genuine intentions. Recognizing this misalignment can serve as a potent catalyst for personal evolution.

2. The Threshold of Pain: For many, change becomes imperative when the status quo no longer serves their aspirations. Whether escaping toxic relationships or unfulfilling careers, the discomfort of stagnation propels individuals towards transformative action.

3. Aspiration for More: Some individuals aspire for a life of greater significance, driven by an insatiable thirst for growth and opportunity. However, entrenched perceptions and past reputations can impede their trajectory, necessitating organizational support and recognition of their potential.

Despite the myriad of motivations driving personal change, the true litmus test lies in our capacity to accept and embrace these transformations. While we may profess openness to change, implicit biases and entrenched beliefs often cloud our perceptions, hindering genuine acceptance.

Ultimately, the responsibility rests not on changing others but on understanding and supporting their journey towards self-realization. By fostering environments conducive to growth and acknowledging the multifaceted nature of personal evolution, we can cultivate a culture of acceptance and empowerment.

So, the next time you ponder the question of change, perhaps shift the focus inward.

Can you wholeheartedly embrace the transformative journey of those around you?

After all, the true measure of change lies not in its occurrence but in our willingness to embrace it.

Patience: A Strategy for Getting Unstuck

Years ago, I worked with a business leader who had an incredible vision for his organization. He was a passionate leader with excellent communication skills and so much energy for his mission. He was intellectually and morally solid and cared deeply for the people in his organization.

But He Was Stuck.

His organization just could not grow the business past a certain industry-standard metric. However, the stagnation issue became evident as we looked over some feedback provided by his peers. One of the interview questions I ask the peers of my clients (as a routine part of my data gathering) is, "What is the vision this leader has for the organization?" After several interviews, the collective response was, “The vision is very clear, but we have no idea what steps we need to take to get started. It is like he has been dreaming of this his entire life and we are just catching it for the first time."

As I presented this feedback to the leader and we went over the data together, his knee-jerk reaction was: “We don’t have time to wait for them to process this. The time is now! They need to get on board or get out of the way. We are going to miss our opportunity. The timing is just right!"

So I asked him, “Is it their lack of urgency, or could it be something else?”

After thinking it over with him for a while, we discovered that there was not a lack of urgency on the part of the organization. There was, however, a lack of emotional connection between the leader and his team. The urgency that the leader was feeling for vision implementation and change was being offset by his lack of emotional connection and patience. People in organizations need time to absorb, process, and own the vision themselves. They need patience.

Patience is devoting the appropriate time and attention to others in ways that enhance meaningful interaction.

Patience is suspending your personal needs for satisfaction and action.

Patience seeks to slow down fast-paced exchanges with others in order to facilitate better decision-making.

Patience is not racing ahead in the thought process while missing information that others are endeavoring to share.

Patience is not wasting opportunities to encourage, inspire, and motivate others.

In leadership development, it is always important to keep your perspective on a leader who is not connecting emotionally with his team. Without this emotional connection, it is virtually impossible to have the social intelligence needed to achieve organizational effectiveness.

There are a number of reasons a follower may choose to align with a leader. Fully committing to the vision of the leader is a quintessential desire that followers have. What they receive in return for committing to the vision of the leader is an emotional connection with that leader.

In our case study above, the leader has a choice. He can either move forward with his urgency and risk losing his entire vision. Or, he can proactively slow down and take the time to encourage, inspire, and motivate his people. By embracing patience and connecting emotionally with his team, he can catapult the vision to the next level with everyone on board.

How are you connecting emotionally with your team? I’d love to hear your comments.

Solving the Right Problem Using Emotional Intelligence

Lately, I have been really frustrated by something. In my work, it’s something I do quite a bit of and sometimes it is really hard.

Writing!

You’ve heard versions of this angst from nearly everyone who has to write anything for any reason. You’ve definitely heard it from bloggers, coaches, or students who have a thesis that is due.

It sounds something like one of these statements:

• “I want to write, but I am afraid I won’t know what to communicate.”

• “I have been able to write in the past, but now nothing is coming to me.”

• “Writing is a passion for me but I just don’t have the time right now.”

• “Who, me? Write? What would I say? Who would read it?”

As you read over this list of reasons for not writing, does anything jump out at you as your own?

I have a suggestion for you to consider anytime you are working on solving a problem and trying to figure out why you are frustrated.

In each of the examples above, there is either explicit or implied emotion attached to the “writer’s block.”

Feelings such as fear, anxiety, or frustration creep in and are communicating something to us. These emotions often accompany any problem we are trying to solve or any goal we are trying to achieve. In fact, these emotions are what make us human. Every thought we have, everything we experience, comes with a feeling.

For example, as I write this post on a beautiful morning, I have a cup of hot coffee sitting next to me. The sun is just coming up over the horizon with a hazy yellow intensity that somehow fades into the color blue as the light from the sun becomes more invisible to my eye. As I experience this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I am experiencing the sunrise and I feel grateful. The experience comes with an emotion.

You should try this simple exercise some time. See if you can become aware of the emotion you are feeling at any given moment. Maybe at your kids’ sporting activity this weekend, you become grateful that they can run and play. Perhaps you are attending a small gathering of close friends for the first time in a long time and you are feeling joy just being with people you love. Maybe you are doing some deep house cleaning, and you feel proud of yourself and the progress you are making.

Paying attention to our emotions can be really valuable for us. Not only when things seem good, like watching a beautiful sunrise, but also when they are not so good, such as when we have writer’s block and don’t know what to write about.

Emotions and PROBLEM-SOLVING

Your emotions are always communicating something to you. They are trying to tell you something about what you are currently experiencing or thinking.

What I have found is that when I am frustrated with writing, I am often not working on the right problem. The problem is not in my writing.

I wonder if you have ever experienced something similar? You might have a problem you are trying to resolve that is really frustrating, but then you realize that you are not trying to solve the right problem.

When I get writer's block, for example, the problem is rarely that I truly cannot write. The problem is that I have not been reading enough! For me, to be able to read means doing research, studying, and paying attention to what is going on around me. It is amazing to me that when I get the feeling that I cannot write, or that I am stuck, when I reframe the problem, the answer becomes more clear to me.

The problem is not that I cannot write. The problem is that I am so busy that I have not been reading or observing what is going on around me.

When I cannot write, I need to sit down and read. When I pay attention to what my emotions are telling me, I can see my world differently, and often with more beauty and grace.

How about you? Has something been frustrating you lately? Have you been working on something and not getting the results you had hoped for? Why not step back for a moment and consider if you are really solving the right problem, to begin with?

The Question Behind the Question

My daughter Gretchen texted me an interesting question one day that I thought would be an interesting topic for us to reflect on together here on the blog.

Her question was: “If the average person had to choose whether to be bored or stressed, which would they pick?" What I found so intriguing about this question is that I had not thought about these two things on opposite ends of a spectrum before.

The contrast I usually think about for STRESS is RELAXATION.

An example of stress vs. relaxation, not being bored vs. stressed is that being stressed is like when I am running to catch a plane that boards in 10 minutes and I am still in the security line, versus relaxation like when I am sitting by the pool with an adult beverage, reading a book that has been on my list for months.

Similarly, the opposite of being bored, to me, is being energized. Being bored is when I have a complete lack of interest in something, like when my wife wants me to sit down and watch a reality show with her. Being energized is when something brings excitement and even joy into my life, like playing golf or watching a great baseball game on TV.

But Gretchen’s question pitted running to catch a plane that is boarding while I am not at the gate against watching reality TV. To me, they are both just different kinds of pain. I was not seeing the win in the question at all. In fact, my initial thought was that Gretchen is so smart that she was trying to bait me into one of those questions that, as a dad, I wished I had my initial answer back to her once I heard what was really behind the question.

So, in a fairly typical response style, rather than answer the question, I thought that I would ask one in return. I typed, “It depends on what you mean by stress and what the last 60 days were like.” It was the best I could do at the moment. And it came off so clinical and “coach”-sounding. Why did I answer in such an egotistical way, rather than being open and curious about my daughter’s question?

why didn’t I think about her actual question behind the question?

I think my pride got the best of me. You know, my only daughter is texting me to get some of my sage wisdom and advice on something. Even as I write this I can feel myself swell up with regret. That is when I think a lot of us get caught up in our own heads. Our own high level of self-regard comes blaring though when talking to someone when we forget to have any empathy for the person who is asking the question or the question behind the question.

I wish I had asked, “Now, that is an interesting question! Why are you asking?” A much better response. Much more open. Much more curious. Much more about HER than it was about me.

I am so fortunate to have a daughter who looks past my flaws and insufficiencies and offers me grace at the moment. Rather than beating me up about lecturing her or accusing me of always being on my “emotional intelligence work game,” she said, “Thanks, Dad! A friend and I were talking about kids who have high school jobs and if it was better for them to have a job that was kind of relaxing but boring, or to have one that was stressful but went by really fast.” As I read her response, I thought, “Man I really blew that one”. The answer I gave had nothing to do with the real question.

My Life Lesson

I decided that I have to get better at this. I need to work on shedding my pride and focusing on what the person I am engaged with is really asking me. The skill for me to practice is listening to the question and remaining open and curious about what is being asked. Most of the time, I have to admit, I have no idea what is really being asked.

I need to get better at answering the question that lies behind the question. That is where the real gold is in relationships and communication.

One Way to Be More Open to Learning

It seems like people these days really have a hard time agreeing on much of anything, and most of what we argue about is misinformed. Nonetheless, we continue to drone on and on, spurred on by a few members of our tribe or a couple of dozen likes on Instagram.⁣

Can we just agree on one thing? Gene Roddenberry was a genius!
Who is Gene Roddenberry, you ask? You’re kidding me, right?⁣

As the creator of the original Star Trek, he was able to capture very distinct personality types in character development and then exploit them in a science fiction realm. One of the things I continue to be amazed by are the one-liners that came out of that show. ⁣

There are times when I will be in a conversation with someone and a Star Trek quote will just come to me!

Here are a few examples of some of those quotes:⁣⁣

- First, there is the overly emotional Dr. McCoy, “I am a doctor, not a bricklayer.”⁣
- There is the struggling fix-it engineer Mr. Scott, “You can’t mix matter and antimatter cold.”⁣
- Then, the starship captain himself, Kirk: “To boldly go where no man has gone before.”⁣

But one of my all-time favorite quotes comes from Mr. Spock, who in Season 3, Episode 9 says, “In critical moments, men sometimes see exactly what they wish to see.”⁣

Oh, Mr. Spock, we need you now more than ever.⁣ Critical moments need critical thinking.⁣

Spock’s quote starts with “in critical moments.” To me, that means:

• When the pressure is on. ⁣

• When the stakes are high. ⁣

• When you feel like you are in a make-or-break situation. ⁣

• When your reputation is on the line.⁣ These are the times that the logical Mr. Spock would say that as humans we cave in and create the reality we want. ⁣⁣

We tend to see what we want to see, we just hear things wrong, our memory stores the data wrong, or we put two and two together thinking it should be an equal four but it turns out that the problem is not linear. Here are some examples for you to think about that fit into this category:

Which of the following statements would you say is true?⁣⁣

• Carrots improve your vision. ⁣

• Vitamin C boosts our immunity.⁣

• Coffee stunts growth.⁣

• Sugar makes you hyper.⁣

• Your body needs a good internal cleanse every now and then.⁣

• The Great Wall of China is visible from space.⁣

• Bats are blind.⁣

The thing is, it is not just Mr. Spock who accuses us of seeing the world as we wish. Diane Halpern, former President of the American Psychological Association and Professor at Claremont McKenna College, writes in her text on critical thinking that, “the rapidly accelerating pace of change and widespread availability of a glut of information has made the ability to think critically more important than at any other time in history.” ⁣

To Dr. Halpern’s point, I did a quick internet search for each of the statements bulleted above. While none of them are actually true, all of them require some deep critical thinking to come up with a reason why they are not.

Here’s what I mean: ⁣

I did a Google search of “does Vitamin C boost your immune system?” as my keywords. The sixth citation down (after all of the internet ads), is from the Cleveland Clinic. Talk about a reputable source! The title of the article is “3 Vitamins that are best for boosting your immunity.”⁣

Now, let’s face it. Most simply take into account:⁣

• The question you typed in.⁣

• It is the first page of Google.⁣

• You see that it is from the Cleveland Clinic.⁣⁣

You may figure, why even open the article? Case closed! Vitamin C boosts the immune system. ⁣The thing is, you would be wrong. ⁣

I can hear you now. “Scott, now you are being a mean blogger who is picking on Vitamin C. My Grandmother and my Mom swore by it and they never had a cold in their life. They never let me down and I love them. Who are you to insult my Grandma?” ⁣⁣

So, don't take my word for it. Do some critical thinking and digging for yourself. ⁣

According to Dr. Jen Gunter, MD who has done a podcast called “Body Stuff”, the immune system works just as it is, and if you actually were to “boost” it, that is what becomes the problem that will often bring people to their demise. Your immune system does not need a boost! ⁣

It turns out that most of us (please consult your own physician for anything health-related you read here or anywhere else), get enough Vitamin C in our diet and do not need to supplement it at all. If your body has enough Vitamin C, then it eliminates what is not needed in your urine. So for most of us, that 500mg of Vitamin C we take at about $0.10./day ends up in the toilet. ⁣

But wait a minute... The Cleveland Clinic said…⁣

Actually, no they didn’t. If you open the article they say you don’t need it unless your doctor advises it. But the marketing people who run the Cleveland Clinic’s blog posts know that if they put a number in the title you are more likely to open it. So, turns out, the article is true, but the title is a little misleading.⁣

I know some of you are probably rolling your eyes at me because I am making an argument against a longtime belief. You probably don’t care as much about bats not being blind (they are not blind, they just rely 3x more on their hearing) but when I put “detoxing your inners” on the list, well them’s fighting words.⁣

This is part of the problem.

Some of us have made very public claims about some of these things. You might even have an anecdotal story of knowing a person who takes Vitamin C and never gets sick. And you have told this story over and over again, so not only do you believe that it is true but you have claimed it publicly so your reputation is also on the line. This isolated example of the person you know does not support a direct correlation between Vitamin C consumption and immune system boosting. While both of the observations may be true, the conclusion is false. ⁣

Critical thinking is a skill. And for most of us, on most topics, we should likely say less and study a lot more. Rather than coming to a rapid conclusion, let’s get better at saying,

“I don’t know, but I am open to learning more.”

Solving the Right Problem Using Emotional Intelligence

Lately, I have been really frustrated by something. In my work, it’s something I do quite a bit of and sometimes it is really hard.

Writing!

You’ve heard versions of this angst from nearly everyone who has to write anything for any reason. You’ve definitely heard it from bloggers, coaches, or students who have a thesis that is due.

It sounds something like one of these statements:

“I want to write, but I am afraid I won’t know what to communicate.”

“I have been able to write in the past, but now nothing is coming to me.”

“Writing is a passion for me but I just don’t have the time right now.”

“Who, me? Write? What would I say? Who would read it?”

As you read over the list of reasons for not writing, does anything jump out at you?

I have a suggestion for you to consider. In fact, I think you can consider this suggestion anytime you are solving a problem and trying to figure out why you are frustrated.

In each of the examples above, there is either explicit or implied emotion attached to the “writer’s block.”

Feelings such as fear, anxiety, or frustration creep in and are communicating something to us. These emotions often accompany any problem we are trying to solve or any goal we are trying to achieve. In fact, these emotions are what make us human. Every thought we have, everything we experience, will come with a feeling.

For example, as I write this post on a beautiful morning, I have a cup of hot coffee sitting next to me. The sun is just coming up over the horizon with a hazy yellow intensity that somehow fades into the color blue as the light from the sun becomes more invisible to my eye. As I experience this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

I am experiencing the sunrise and I feel grateful. The experience comes with an emotion.

You should try this simple exercise sometime. See if you can become aware of the emotion you are feeling at any given moment. Maybe at your kids’ sporting activity this weekend, you become grateful that they can run and play. Perhaps you are attending a small gathering of close friends for the first time in a long time and you are feeling joy just being with people you love. Maybe you are doing some deep house cleaning, and you feel proud of yourself and the progress you are making.

Paying attention to emotions can be really valuable for us. Not only when things seem so good, like watching a beautiful sunrise, but also when they are not so good; such as when we have writer’s block and don’t know what to write about.

Emotions and Problem Solving

Your emotions are communicating something to you. They are trying to tell you something about what you are experiencing or thinking.

What I have found is that when I am frustrated with writing, I am often not working on the right problem. The problem is not in my writing.

I wonder if you have ever experienced something similar? You have a problem you are trying to resolve, and it is really frustrating, and then you realize you are not trying to solve the right problem!?

When I get writer's block, for example, the problem is rarely that I truly cannot write. The problem is that I have not been reading enough! For me, to be able to read means doing research, studying, and paying attention to what is going on around me. It is amazing to me that when I get the feeling that I cannot write, or that I am stuck - when I reframe the problem, the answer becomes more clear.

The problem is not that I cannot write. The problem is that I am so busy that I have not been reading or observing what is going on around me.

When I cannot write, I need to sit down and read. When I pay attention to what my emotions are telling me, I can see my world differently, and often with more beauty and grace.

How about you? Has something been frustrating you lately? Have you been working on something and not getting the results you had hoped for?

Why not step back for a moment and consider if you are really solving the right problem, to begin with?

Does Conflict Have to Feel like a 4 Letter Word?

CONFLICT.

It is not literally a “4 letter word,” but in organizations sometimes it feels twice as bad as any four-letter word ever would.

Conflict is one of those tense words that can have such a negative connotation. So averse that we avoid it like we would have during the heart of the COVID Pandemic if someone in the grocery store was not wearing a mask when it was required.

It is like the conversation you know you need to have with someone, but you go the other way because avoidance seems, at the time, to be much less painful than the interaction.

But is it? What is behind this avoidance? 

This is the generation of “when you see something, say something.” I think that mantra is pretty easy to articulate in isolation, like when you are hiding behind your Facebook or Instagram page. But, putting all the social pressures we feel in organizations on top of it and avoiding conflict can seem like a better route than addressing it.

What if the person I am in conflict with gets hurt? Worse yet, what if I get hurt?

Rather than face the hurt or the pain, our knee-jerk response is often to avoid it. Just like the person in the grocery store who was not wearing a mask during the Pandemic, our first thought was not the fact that it is unlikely they have COVID, rather, we probably chose to avoid them altogether. There is over a 90% chance that all is well, but we become paralyzed by the prospect of the pain, so we avoid and miss all the great opportunities that could have been present if we just engaged.

Conflict and Emotional Intelligence

I was working with a team of folks a few years back whose senior leadership team was trying to address the fact that their business was being held back because everyone in the company was so nice to each other. 

I actually see this a lot with the organizations I work with. They are great people. Highly professional. And rightly so, in our organizations, it has become the right thing to do to treat employees well, and with respect.

A goal in developing organizations is to try and understand what the people need and to try and meet those needs. We hear a lot these days about how to engage employees; making sure they are enjoying their work has become a metric for performance. That is all well and good, except if we are not careful we can over-index the relationships to the extent that problems will go unsolved.

It is interesting to me the relationship between “Interpersonal Relationships” and “Decision-Making”, specifically the problem-solving aspect of a decision-making process. 

First, let me define my terms:

Interpersonal Relationships between people are mutually satisfying relationships that are characterized by trust and compassion. 

Problem-Solving is the ability to find solutions for problems where emotions are involved (which is every problem) and how the emotions impact the decision.

Here is what it looked like for the client I mentioned above:

The organization had a culture of caring about people. The experience was very much like being in a family. By in large, they all are really nice people. They trust each other and show a tremendous amount of care and compassion. They have strong interpersonal relationships. 

So when a deadline came…(and went)… for a project to be delivered, it created a problem. Other teams would be waiting for the work that was now missing. What ensued is what I called “tension smiles”. You can feel the tension of the missed deadline, all the while smiling as if nothing was wrong. 

The emotion about the problem was high. The relationships were trusting.

The issue became that the folks in the organization saw the choice they had as either stressing the relationship OR solving the problem. What I heard was, “If I confront Sam for missing the deadline, then I will lose trust with him.”  

From their perspective, the choice was between preserving the relationship OR the solving problem - not both.

This is common when it comes to conflict. The tension and the emotion affect our ability to see things clearly. We fall into fear-based thinking that blinds us. Instead of seeing the full picture, fear causes us to see very few options in front of us.

The Strategy 

A simple hack when you feel you are facing this dichotomy is to change your “OR” to an “AND”.

How can the manager in the above scenario have both strong interpersonal relationships and solve the problem at hand?

Understanding where Sam is coming from AND holding him accountable for missing the deadline are both possible by flexing your empathy muscle; empathy for Sam as well as for the people impacted by his missing the deadline. 

Our emotions will, at times, not tell us the truth.

It will feel like I must pick one option over the other; such as the relationship over solving the problem. This is the “false” in a false dichotomy.  

Your emotion, your fear, and your anxiety are all telling you something, but what they are telling you gets misinterpreted.  

Your emotion is telling you that there is tension. The question your emotion is asking you is “What do you want to do about this?”  

Emotions can’t decide. All they can do is inform.

It is up to your more rational, thinking brain to make the decision. In order to do this, it is key when you feel the fear or the anxiety in the false dichotomy of the choice to take a deep breath. Step back for a moment and see if you can find a way to solve the problem AND maintain the relationship.

Change your “OR” to an “AND”.

Hold Sam accountable AND maintain the relationship.  

Reacting vs. Humble Inquiry

Sometimes, I feel like I have just been talked AT.  No dialogue. No asking my perspective. One descriptor said that it feels like their boss has come into their office and said, “Do this, think this way, shut up, and go there!" There is a lot of talking AT people going on these days. No one seems to be listening.

It feels like no one has any time to listen to anyone anymore at all. We have all become experts in our own minds over the past couple of years on mRNA technology, vaccines, statistical curve flattening, etc…even though very few of us have even taken a calculus class to know what flattening a curve really means...or is it statistics?

If you are not sure, then I have made my point!  We read one article from the Washington Post written by a journalist whose editor is politically tied to a party and we count that article as completely factual. So, there is not much thinking going on these days either. Just a whole lot of people running around REACTING..

I Get it. Sort of.

At the end of our block when I was 10 years old,  there was this old house that was probably built in the early 1900s. It had been condemned by the health department with a clear sign posted on the door: DANGER KEEP OUT: BUILDING CONDEMNED.

All the kids in the neighborhood had been told by their parents to not go near that house. My dad was a construction guy and he sat me down and told me about the rusty nails that would be sticking out of the floorboards, and how the front porch was unsettled to the point it could collapse at any moment. He also seemed to be concerned that rats or some other wild animal could have taken up residence inside, as the house was nestled up against a heavily wooded area.  

At one time,  I bet this house was pretty cool. Probably the talk of the town, two stories with a pillar-supported front porch. It was about 1/2 mile from the Illinois River and sat up high enough on the hill that on a clear day you could easily see the river and likely all the way across.

But time had taken its toll on the place. We had lived in the neighborhood for three years and my grandparents had lived there for at least 20. My grandad couldn’t remember the last time someone lived in the home. No one knew for sure who owned it. The entire place was a real mystery.

But for us kids in the neighborhood, the house was one thing… haunted. That meant it was ripe for exploring as soon as one of us in the group mustered up enough courage to suggest we go poke around and see what might be inside. That kid was named Bobby.  He wasn’t a real leader for the group unless it was for things that were sure to get us all in trouble, in which case Bobby was pretty good at that. It might have been Bobby’s idea, but you really can’t blame a group of ten-year-old boys for just wanting an adventure on an otherwise hot, boring summer day, can you? What? You don’t think it is a good idea either?

Well neither did my mom nor my dad. I got two doses of the lecture on that day after my mom got the call from a man named Mr. Thompson. And then again after my dad got home and my mom told him about the phone call with Mr. Thompson. 

Reacting

Boy, could my mom lecture. This one went about half an hour from what I recall, complete with volume, tone, and pitch as she explained to me the dangers of our exploration. She mentioned words like tetanus and trespassing, neither of which would have meant anything at all to me even if they were delivered without volume, tone, or pitch. We didn’t have internet then, so I couldn’t quickly look it up to see what tetanus meant, I just had to take mom’s word for it. She was the expert. What she decided was true…and was what we went with. If this lecture was a court of law, mom was both the prosecutor and the judge. Where was Bobby when I needed him?

And the verdict…Guilty! (Before I even had the chance to take the stand.)

Mr. Thompson was a truck driver who just happened to be home that day between hauls and saw us poking around. He called all our parents. Mr. Thompson was an otherwise nice guy, a bit nosey perhaps, but a nice guy. However, in my case, he was an eyewitness. I was doomed. His credibility was impeccable. 

Of course, I denied it, but I have to give mom credit. As a prosecutor she was good. “Why would Mr. Thompson lie about that…why would he even care if it was not true?”I had no response. I thought about attacking Mr. Thompson’s character. Probably good impulse control at that point. Had I said anything at that point it would have for sure been held against me.

The penalty…Grounded! Crap. Grounding was the worst.

“Mom, couldn’t you just beat me?” (This was a legitimate form of punishment 50 years ago!) My logic was that although a beating would hurt, it would end, and then it was over. Grounding a 10-year-old boy was painful torture meant for thieves and murderers.  Really what that meant was that I was home and in the house when dad got home. Crap. Beating and grounding. That is not fair or just. 

The thing was, from my perspective, no one seemed to care about me. I swear the only thing my parents cared about was what the neighbors might think if they saw me in that old house. Or what if the police came…what then? I could have gotten arrested. Worse yet, the neighbors would see the police in our driveway. I think my mom would have rather me just be arrested.

Not to mention all the potential health risks or physical danger if something happened like the roof collapsing on me. I can still hear Dad saying "You know the pillars that support the weight of that roof could just collapse and then you would be crushed?”

You have to know one thing. I really love my parents. My dad has been gone for over 20 years now and I miss him a lot. What I wouldn’t give to get a lecture on how to best protect myself from the dangers that lurk around every corner. Most of the time my mom and dad were actually pretty good listeners…except when they reacted with angry or scared emotions.

Humble Inquiry

There are a lot of people running around right now angry and scared.

People are angry that they still have to come to work at the office, while others work from home.

People who had to furlough are scared because they have house payments, car payments, insurance payments, and utility payments, and they had no margin in their lives even when they had full incomes. 

When people are scared or angry they can get all kinds of emotionally unsettled. I really love the concept Edgar Schein wrote about a number of years ago called Humble Inquiry. If you are a regular blog reader you will know this book is a favorite of mine. The subtitle is what is really brilliant: “The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling.”

When people get all fired up angry or scared they stop thinking and just start reacting. As a leader, you need good impulse control and not to react back at them at that moment.  What I coach leaders to do in this instance is to practice some “humble inquiry” vs. reacting.

1. Minimize your own preconceptions. You are about to get curious about someone who is scared. Clear your mind and shift from judging to observing. 

2. Keep your questions for them open-ended. You want to explore with the scared person what is it that is really scaring them. 

3. Practice giving up control of the conversation. You are not trying to lead them anywhere specific. You are there to just help them process what they are experiencing.

What might it be like if we all just got a little more curious about where folks are coming from these days? They may not ever tell you the real reason they are scared, but they will remember you as an excellent listener, if you practice some humble inquiry vs. reacting.

Freaking Out! What Emotional Intelligence Has to Do With It

To me, “freaking out” is one of those concepts that is hard to define, but I know it when I see it.

Here are some examples I have observed over the last few weeks:

• A man at the grocery store “freaked out” when the lady in front of him just got the last BOGO special on the baby-back ribs.

• Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at the Oscars!

• Two guys in sports cars pulled over to duke it out for some reason.

• A mom is in her car, picking her kid up in the store parking lot, her body is facing the steering wheel and her head is spinning 180 degrees. Only God knows why she was freaking out.

• A colleague calls me in a state of panic, two hours before a big presentation, and is unsure that what we have been working on will be sufficient to reach the intended goal.

• A couple who called into a podcast show I listen to that just sold all of their stock in their 401K at the bottom of the dip because the market went down a couple of days in a row. They lost $300k in value in less than 24 hours!

Data on Freaking Out

I just saw a study that shows this phenomenon of “freaking out” and the impact it can have. Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) examined 650,000 investment accounts representing about 300,000 households in 2015. Here are a couple of the interesting findings:

• They counted 36,3774 panic sales by 25,852 household investors (9% of all households), across a period of 13 years between January 2003 and December 2015.

• Of households with at least one panic-selling event, 21,706 of them did so once within our sample period, while 3,081 did so twice.

• The researchers also looked into whether people who freaked out ever came back into the market: 60% came back in 5 months, 10% more came back in 10 months, and 30% never returned to the market at all.

This blog post is not in any way intended to give financial advice. But it is interesting that people who saw the stock market as a good place to get a return on their investment, panicked, lost a significant amount, and then a third of them never returned. The other side note is that those who did return paid more to get back in than if they had just ridden the downturn out. 

Freaking Out

This is what caused them to make bad decisions. When fear and panic set in, we as humans can lose our logical, rational minds. We can do things that if the fear was not present, we would not normally do. No one puts money in the stock market with the intention to lose it.  Rational people put money in the market so they will have more at the end of a certain period than less. And yet in our financial lives, and many other places as well, we become subject to fear and make these decisions. 

Here is a link to the study I mentioned if you are interested in reading it for yourself: When Do Investors Freak Out.

In the emotional intelligence world, we call this ability to remain calm, “Impulse Control”. This is the idea that as leaders we can stay rational in part by having the ability to delay gratification. 

Here is how I imagine this is happening to those folks who called into the financial podcast show above. While I do not know the actual details for these people, I have seen it enough to be able to fill in the blanks of the story.

These folks woke up one morning with let's say $500,000 in a stock market account of some kind. They turn on CNBC and see that the market is down and the talking heads are adding fuel to the fire with mentions of recessions, inverted yield curves, and cryptocurrency. None of which these folks know anything about -  they just put some money in the market and for a couple of years when they woke up they had more than they did the day before. Their feeling was that they were on their way to “easy street”. 

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, their investment is down. The natural reaction is, “Oh no we must protect what we have left! What if we lose it all?” In the midst of this crisis, they forget to take the toast out of the toaster and to add fuel to the fire, now their breakfast is ruined. 

Their pride starts to get in the way, after all, it was their idea to put the money in the stock market, to begin with. And of course, they took all the credit for the great decisions being made as the market went up. Now they are looking a bit foolish. Their significant other, who is probably equally feeling foolish for supporting their partner’s arrogance and not working very hard to understand what they were doing, says something like, “Maybe we should call someone?”  The other partner barks, “no, what we need to do is sell to prevent our losses.”

And there it is. The instant gratification. If we do something right now, it will feel better.

And when the frenzy is over and they have sold everything, they now have $300,000. Whew! At least they didn’t lose it all. No, but they did lose two years of investing. And when the market rebounded just a few days later, moving to some all-time highs, these folks sat on the sidelines and did not participate in any of the gains. 

Again, I am NOT a financial advisor. I am not intending to tell you in any way what to do with your money or how to use the stock market. 

I am just very interested in the decisions people make and if their ability to control their impulses can help them make better decisions. Let's take a deeper look at this idea of impulse control and how we can have more control over our decision-making. 

Emotional Intelligence and Impulse Control

In the study of emotional intelligence, we call this freaking out - panic or a lack of impulse control. 

It all starts with a set of circumstances or expectations we see as normal (the stock market always going up) and a triggering event that challenges our expectations (the stock market going down fast). Then fear creeps in and starts to make us very concerned about our own safety at the moment (we are going to have to live on poor street instead of easy street). That feeling we get says to us “protect yourself at all cost”. This is the point where if there has not been an intervention, we start to make decisions we likely will regret later. 

When stresses in our lives build up to such a point,  any additional stress can trigger a reaction. This is known as the tipping point or what Dr. Henry Thompson in his book, The Stress Effect, calls the “crazy threshold”. Each time a stressor is encountered, it adds to the overall stress level. Each time a stressor is encountered, it adds to the overall stress amount. As stress mounts, this “crazy threshold” is approached. If something is not done to intervene, and the “crazy threshold” is exceeded, then our thinking mind starts to shut down and we can become almost a completely different person. 

The question is, do we have a choice in terms of how we react, or do we just follow our emotions and justify it as authenticity?

One of the best analogies for impulse control I have heard is that of a gate. Imagine that your ability to control your impulses is a little gate. On one side of the gate are your emotions. Your ability to control your emotions is this gate and on the other side of the gate is your behavior.  

All of your feelings and emotions get stacked up on one side of the gate. Your Impulse Gate puts them on hold; you are aware of your feelings but you don’t always act on them. The Impulse Gate allows you to keep the big picture in mind, your goals, your dreams, and your desires. In the context of social functioning, we can not just act on every feeling we have. The need to be able to contextualize it and to get feedback on it is critical prior to action.

So can your Impulse Gate be faulty? Sure it can. All of our gates can at times be faulty. Here are three very common things that can cause your Impulse Gate to get stuck in these open positions.

Stress Levels

The more stress we have on us, the more our Impulse Gates can get stuck in the open position and how we are feeling in the moment can come pouring out. This is likely nothing new to you and the reason I write so much on self-care, some blog posts, for example:

• Learning Stress Tolerance

• Don't Forget to Practice Good Self Care

• If You Hate Change You Are Not Doing It Right

The lower your stress levels, the less likely your Impulse Gate is going to get stuck in the open position. As a leader, you can not always be in the “on position”. You have to replenish yourself physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. 

Emotional Flexibility

In addition to stress, the more of a fixed mindset we have in our belief structures about how we should feel in certain situations, the more our Impulse Gates will get stuck in the open position. Being able to push the pause button before acting is key. 

Let me give an example. When I am driving in heavy traffic I have a very defensive mindset. I am on constant alert for other drivers doing things I am not expecting. One day I was running late for a very important client meeting. When I left my hotel I had 10 minutes to get to my appointment and about a 9-minute drive time estimated. I got to the intersection to turn right and merge into traffic. It was a heavy traffic time, and this feeling of panic came over me, so I did something I would not otherwise have done, I pulled out in front of someone to join the flow of traffic. Not smart. Not my best moment. But the point is, when someone else is in traffic and cuts me off, why do I have such a fixed mindset on how horrible a person they are? My Impulse Gate is stuck in the open position. A little more emotional flexibility can help me contextualize the situation and perhaps show some grace to other drivers.

Assertiveness

Our level of how we assert ourselves also needs to be in balance with our Impulse Gate. As I write this post, I am waiting on a call back from a doctor. My wife has had some pain, and I called at 8 am this morning, it is now 10:30 am and I am feeling like I want to call the office and tear someone's head off. If my Impulse Gate is stuck in the open position, then anytime I feel put down or disrespected then it is an excuse for me to assert myself without thinking about the consequences of my actions or about the other person. Will I call the doctor back soon? You bet I will, but it will not be without thought and it will be with a measured level of assertiveness. 

This Impulse Gate can work both ways when it comes to assertiveness. Some leaders out there when the Impulse Gate is stuck open, actually become less assertive. The problem with this is that if our Impulse Control is stronger than our assertiveness, we are at risk of becoming passively aggressive. We pretend something isn’t an issue, but it really is. We say it is not a big deal but it really is. We can even work behind the scenes to sabotage a person or a situation. 

In Conclusion

We all have situations that cause us to be tempted to freak out. Impulse Control or this idea of the Impulse Gate is meant for you to be intentional with your emotions. If something happens to you and you feel like you need to freak out, you have thought about it, you are intentional with it, and you feel like it serves you at the moment, then I guess you can go ahead and freak out. Most of the time though, when this happens, some kind of apology usually comes soon after, or if the apology never happens, then anxiety or guilt can start to take residence.  

Most of the time, I would argue, that if you can step back from the situation and think about the emotion, you might choose a different action. I am not saying to never walk through the Impulse Gate and into action. What I am asking you to consider is walking through a different gate other than Impulse. Perhaps alongside your Impulse Gate, you picture a “rational gate”. Or a “long-term outcome gate”. 

By all means, do NOT just suppress the emotion and keep it in. Make sure it is the right emotion for the right context, you are not stressed, you have some flexibility in how you might feel, and your level of assertiveness matches the situation.

Answer Just One Question to Access Your Emotional Intelligence

I saw an article one day in my online news feed. It had a catchy title, something that really caught my eye regarding the “COVID fog" people are experiencing after they got over the virus. I clicked on it to explore what the author had to say about the topic, and about 4 minutes into the read, the curiosity that caused me to open it still had not been satisfied.  I had to spend 7 minutes to get to the main point, the reason I wanted to read the post in the first place. It was very frustrating. 

I just wanted to know what the title of the article had promised to deliver, which should have taken about 45 seconds, not 7 minutes. I get the whole advertising business model that drives this kind of writing, but frankly, I find it very annoying! Actually, I HATE it!

So, because that tactic annoys me so much, here is the one question I promised you in the title of the article. (I timed it...you’re about 45 seconds into the reading so far…)

Which of the following statements best describes when a leader is being emotional?

1. Their reactions tend to be knee-jerk, or not well thought through.

2. They snap in anger when something isn't right.

3. They say to themselves, "I am so stupid, why did I do that?”

4. They yell when tension is high to get their point across.

5. They are overly confident in their position even when the facts show there is good reason to question.

6. The overly optimistic way they present themselves doesn't fit the reality of the situation.

7. All of the above.

At this point, I hope the answer is obvious. All of these answers show that there is a fine line between expressing emotion and being emotional. I hope you take a deep breath and think about that line before you read on. 

Perhaps even pull out a sheet of paper and a pen, then spend a few moments journaling what you are thinking about this one-question quiz. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back.

I am really interested in what you think about the difference between showing emotional intelligence and being emotional.

The Underlying Philosophy 

Since all of the thoughts we as humans have come with an emotion attached, then really what exists is a range of emotion attached to any thought. The person who goes into a meeting with a "poker face" thinking that they will not express emotion on a topic is actually giving those they are interacting with within the room some type of clue as to where they stand. “At ease” is just the opposite end of the “glad” emotional expression range from “ecstatic”, just like “bothered” is the low end of the “mad” emotional expression range from “furious.”

So, if all our thoughts and behaviors have some emotional component to them, then the question to me becomes, how do I pick the right emotion to fit the moment?

To put it another way, How do I display emotion without being emotional?

 The Real Answer To the Question 

The primary idea of being emotionally intelligent is knowing when to display the right emotion, at the right time, for the right context. If you get it right, then that shows intelligence. If you get it wrong, then maybe not so much intelligence.

How does a leader:

1. Not give knee-jerk responses?

   • They balance their lack of impulse control with empathy. Show care and compassion for the other person's needs, not the immediate gratification of your own.

2. Not become angry when something isn't right?

   • They balance their lack of emotional self-awareness with Interpersonal relationships. Prioritize the mutual satisfaction of the relationship over your own selfishness.

3. Not talk down to themselves?

   • They balance the lack of self-regard with optimism. Practice positive self-talk and stop seeing failure as an outcome.

4. Not yell to get a point across?

   • They balance assertiveness with emotional flexibility. Find a different emotion on the “Mad Scale”, substituting irritated for furious.

5. Display overconfidence in a position?

   • They balance their strong “self-actualization“ needs with “reality testing”. This is done by taking a pause and being curious about facts rather than fixating on a position.

I think you get the idea. If a leader is being emotional, then the idea is to strengthen another emotional competency. If the leader is prone to an overly optimistic explanatory style, then strengthening the competency of reality testing will create the needed balance.

I compare this to a weightlifter who wants to get their body into condition. The lifter just loves to do arms, focusing all the development efforts on building biceps and triceps. They go into the gym every day and all they do is lift as much weight as they can with their arms. After a while, the arms look really strong. However, without giving some attention to strengthening the legs, the body isn't really in condition.

The same is true for emotionally intelligent leaders. The key is balance. The real signature to the emotionally intelligent leader is not how much confidence they have, what great relationships they have, or even how compassionate they are. Emotionally Intelligent leaders need balance to effectively lead a group of followers in a healthy and meaningful way.

The 7-Minute Point.

I figured I don't ever have to bury the lead in my blogging because I don't advertise. I don't sell ads and I never will. I don't write for revenue. I write my articles for all of you., to stimulate thinking on the topic I am most passionate about - Organizational Leadership. So if you hate ads too in your own personal blogosphere, then why not pass this post on to a few people you think might enjoy it? Feel free to share with confidence, because we will never sell to them!

Now some of you are saying, there is no way that you can assess someone's emotional intelligence with just one question. Most models for assessing emotional and social functioning are built upon multiple constructs such as Self-Awareness, Emotional Expression, Interpersonal Relationships, Stress-Management, and Problem-Solving.

So how could it be possible, with just one question, to ascertain your emotional intelligence? After all, most assessments for this leadership trait have at least 100 questions that will give you an answer to this question. I completely understand the argument that the details and intricacies of each of these domains are so nuanced and complex that you need questions that come at each of them from multiple perspectives to access a person's skill in any particular domain.

All of the very detailed complexities of assessing a person's emotional intelligence do require distinguishing lenses to give perspective as to how a leader might generally show up. If a "score" is going to be given for a particular trait such as Emotional Flexibility then I totally agree that you need several, if not many, questions to give a numeric level of ability.

However, in the crucible of leadership, when the pressure is really on you do you have the time or the mental resources to stop and think about the skill level of your Emotional Flexibility? I think not. And that is only one of 15 or more competencies in the area of emotional intelligence that you would have to assess to determine your overall emotional intelligence and how the skills are serving you in any particular moment.

The emotional component is too complex to really deal with at any given moment. Most of us have things we are really strong with, such as our self-regard or optimism. These serve you well most of the time. 

The question I started asking myself is this, "Are there times when my emotional intelligence strength is overplayed?" The answer for most of us is a resounding yes. 

If the person who is so empathic doesn't balance it with ensuring that relationships are mutually satisfying, they will at some point burn out. It is inevitable.

If as leaders we can ask ourselves this one question, then perhaps we will gain more enhanced followers. Then we could turn around as leaders and know that the people who are following us really want to be there.

After all, isn't that the point?

The Top 3 Emotional Intelligence Mistakes Every Leader Should Avoid

When I first started doing work using a model for emotional intelligence, I assumed every company would have its own set of problems., unique to the industry or the job the person is tasked with. So, I start many of the emotional intelligence workshops I facilitate by asking attendees to jot down some of the biggest interpersonal or decision-making challenges they experience at their company. 

Turns out I was wrong. 

People across all organizations repeatedly make the same kinds of mistakes. It doesn’t matter what industry, the age of the company, or the caliber of employees, there seems to be similar mistakes made across the board.

I think I have facilitated over 250 workshops on emotional intelligence over the past 10 years or so. In every single workshop, I have people write down the characteristics of great leaders and poor leaders. Next, I have them share these characteristics to see which ones tend to occur most often.

For the leaders who end up in the poor leader group, here are the top 3 that surface the most often:

1. They Don’t Listen

It is really amazing when I ask the participants in a workshop who would like to share a characteristic of a poor leader, 100% of the time the first response is…

“They don’t listen.”

I know this is my perception, but if I have done 250 workshops on emotional intelligence, 250 times I have heard “They don’t listen.”

Now, I do not have access to these leaders who my participants say are poor listeners. I don’t even know the names of the people they are thinking about. To tell you the truth, at that moment, I don’t want to know those specifics.

However, if I did have access to these leaders and I was to ask them “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?”  I bet they would say, “At least an 8.”

How do I know?

Because I ask that question of leaders a lot, and very few have rated themselves below average.

What about you?

If I would ask you, “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?

What would you say?

I doubt many of you would say 5 or lower. 

And yet, when I run my classes many of the participants say that poor listening is the number one issue.

The Skill Of Listening

Some of you might be thinking you know what, Scott is right! Leaders in our organization need to learn to listen better! Lets put together a training and teach people how to listen.  

Now before you run off and make that mistake, show some impulse control and slow down a minute.

I don’t think the listening issue in organizations is skill-based, which is what training is meant to provide. My guess is that everyone in your organization knows how to listen. They already have the knowledge and skills, they just do not implement them.

So if it is not a skill issue then what is the problem?

Why is it that on one hand, most leaders think they are pretty good at listening, while it is the attribute that people in the organization think is lacking most?

While the number of reasons is likely vast, what I catch myself doing most often is formulating my response before the person even finishes their sentence. When I am listening the best, I am not working on formulating an opinion of my own. Rather, I am trying to be curious and ask questions.

If you want to be a better listener, become a better question asker.

2. They Lack Empathy

The second most common response to my question regarding the traits of poor leaders is that they lack empathy. 

Empathy is best thought of as an ability to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the thoughts and feelings of others. Empathic people care about others and show interest and concern for them.  It is really an ability to non-judgmentally put into words your understanding of another person’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it or you find that perspective to be ridiculous.

The problem for most leaders who show a lack of empathy is that they are confused by what it is NOT!

First, empathy is not being nice or pleasant all the time. Empathy is hard work, trying to understand what it is that the other person is trying to communicate.

Second, empathy is not sympathy. Empathy has a caring action component associated with it. Sympathy is nothing more than mirroring back the emotion you are feeling. Being empathic involves not only mirroring the emotion but moving beyond it by showing caring and compassionate action. 

There was a lady who was getting on my plane the other day. I think the bag she was pulling behind her to put in the overhead bin weighed at least as much as she did.  If I am sympathetic toward her, I might say, “Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift!” I am sympathetic to the circumstance she is in.

However, if I am empathetic I might say, "Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift, let me help you with that.”  Now, you don’t always have to get in and do something, there are times where you might have to direct the person to do something hard themselves.

Third, leaders feel if they are empathetic then the person will think they agree with them or in some way approving their position. Not so. What empathy does is puts you in conversation to understand why it is that the person feels the way they do and then gives you an opportunity to walk them to your side. Without empathy, what a leader is left with is leaving the person to feel misunderstood or dictated too.

3. They Are Not Present

The third most common thing I hear in my workshops is that when I am with a poor leader I feel like I am not even in the room, or just as bad, they are not in the room.

I guess I just don’t understand why people think the relationship on their phone is more important than the person that is in front of them.  

I know you are working on something really important, or your boss needs a response right away, etc., but I would like you to step back for a moment and reflect.

Really?

That many times in a day?

Really?

What you are communicating with the person in front of you is that they are not important. Period!

No matter what other agenda items you want to come up with, the message the person in front of you is receiving is that they are not important, or at least not as important as whatever else has distracted your attention.

What do you say? Let’s all put our phones away and really be present with the people who are in front of us at the moment.

Well, there you have it. These are the top 3 things I hear from people in my emotional intelligence workshops. I am sure as a leader you would never fall into any of these traps.

Right?

3 Reasons People Make Change

A question I am asked quite often in my executive coaching business is, “Do you really think people can change?”

So many in organizations have the idea that a leopard can’t change its spots and they apply this metaphor to the people they lead.. And while it is true that a leopard might not be able to change its fur pattern, that is where the metaphor breaks down. 

Researchers say that every cell in our body will be regenerated at least every 7 to 10 years. So, at a cellular level, I have been at least 6 different people.

The question that is really being asked is, can people grow? And this question comes down to choice. If the leopard could choose to change its spots, would it? If the person sees the need to grow, will they choose it?

While you may not have a choice to change, you for sure can choose whether you grow and develop.

Can people take on different skills, behaviors, or attitudes? Can they grow and develop? The answer to this for me is a resounding YES!

Acceptance 

The real question is not “Can people change?” rather, the question is “Will organizations let them change?”

If a person makes a conscious effort to grow and develop, can the people in the organization see the change? Or, do they walk around in their implicit memory of the person they remember; not who the person is now.

I know a midlevel manager who is a technical expert, holds a high standard, and received feedback that he doesn’t care about people. He worked on his empathy and made progress. He still has trouble, not with his team, but with senior leaders who remember how he used to be.

I know a more senior leader who was overly assertive at times, received feedback, made change, and the question now is, “What if this behavior comes back 2 years from now?”

I know a young leader who actually had to change companies because he could not overcome the reputation of being the entry level marketing guy. 

People grow and are changing all the time. All three of the people above responded to the feedback and were able to grow. And in all three cases, it was others in the organization who could not see the change the person had made. 

Can people change? A resounding YES! 

Do we let them? I sometimes question this. 

Many of you are saying, “Scott, of course I can accept that someone has changed!” And I hear you.

Explicitly, to the point you are aware of it, you probably can. But so many of our thoughts sit in our unconscious. We hold so many implicit biases that sometimes I think our subconscious does not agree with our conscious observation of ourself. I know I struggle with this in my own life. I have people really close to me who have made bad choices over the years. Right now, they are doing well, all signs point to significant change…and here I sit just waiting like a judge in court for them to screw up so I can bang the gavel and say, “See? I told you so!”

We tell ourselves we accept the changes others make, but do we really?

To me, that is the big leadership question of the day. Not can they change, but am I willing to accept the change I am observing?

3 Reasons People Change

First, Intention doesn't equal impact. Some people don't like certain aspects of who they are and they want to change that one thing about themselves, so they will set out a plan to become something they desire.  I think we all have inside of us a picture of our ideal self. That sort of "Disney Princess" of who we want to be. But then there is the real self. The person we really are. More like Ogre in Shrek. Much of the change and growth happens not because of what other people think, but because of who we want to become. This might be a certain character quality, such as being honest. "It’s not that Maria is dishonest, it’s that when I talk with her, I feel like I don't get the entire story."  If Maria gets this feedback, she might say, "I never meant to be dishonest, I just am never sure how interested people are in what I have to say so I cut it short. If they ask questions I give all the information." It is not that Maria's character is evil, it is that her intention for communication is not the impact she is having.

When our intention does not equal the way we come across, this can be a very powerful motivator for change.  

Second, they have suffered enough. The current way they are showing up is not getting them what they want. Pain can be a very powerful motivator. We see this one in action all the time. People leave marriages when there has been abuse. People change jobs, not because they don't like the work, but the Gallup organization tells us via their research most leave because they don't feel connected to their supervisor. These folks end up running from something. It is the person in an organization who just cannot overcome a deficit that was exposed early in their career. For whatever reason, even if they change, the organization just can't seem to get past it.  "See, there goes Gary again, he is your best friend when he needs something but when he is finished with you it is like he has no further need for you."  Gary might say “None of this is true, that is not me.” Or he might say “I feel like that is not me, but I will work hard to show how I can maintain relationships.” Maybe Gary is a super focused person. This hyperfocus is seen in some cases as a gift to get things done and in other cases stand-offish because he is focused on the task at hand and not the relationships around him.

If Gary can not rebrand himself, and if there is not organizational forgiveness, he often feels that it is best if he moves on. In the famous words of Lebron James when he left Cleveland, "I'm taking my talent to South Beach.”

Third, they want more out of life. Some people when they are handed lemons say, "Hey thanks...free lemons!” Other people go out and make lemonade, something sweet and delicious. Some folks in organizations just take what comes along. If something good comes their way then they say “Hey look! I just got something good!” Other folks really want more out of life and their career. They want more challenge or responsibility. They have a strong desire to learn and to grow. But there is a catch. They have a reputation. You know, that’s Charlie the marketing guy. What? He wants to be a marketing director, well he is good with the data but can he lead people? I don’t think so, because I knew a guy like him once and….  So, in organizations, if people want more, and we see the talent, the question is how do we keep them? They want more, let’s find a way to give it to them.

As much as we want to try sometimes, we can not change other people. The more we try to understand who they are, who they have been created to become, the more helpful we are. Most of us need to stop trying to change others and just dig in and really understand who they are. Help people think about who they want to be in 5 or 10 years. Where do they see themselves? Does the current trajectory of behavior or skill set get them to the desired state? 

Some people are pretty happy with who they are. Some folks not so much, and they really want to become someone different.

So, back to what I think the question really is…if someone puts in the work, no matter the motivation or desire for change, can you accept it when they do?

Perhaps it isn’t a question of whether they can change, but can YOU?

Have a great week!

The Battle Rages Between Impulse Control and Rationalization

So I am flying home from Chattanooga last night after working with one of my favorite clients. It was a good day of coaching, working with this firm to help grow their leaders for the next level of leadership.

I got to the airport around 5:15 for my 6:08 flight to Charlotte, then home to Orlando, arriving around 10:45pm.  Everything was on time and I was really relaxed and feeling great. A little hungry, but since I had about 90 minutes in Charlotte (CLT), my plan was to stop and grab a salad in the terminal. I have really been focused on staying healthy since Christmas and the diet and exercise plan really seemed to be working for me.  As I was reflecting on this plan, I received an alert over my phone…

Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 6:35pm.  No problem, still time to grab a salad and make it to my gate on time.

About 10 minutes later, another alert: Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 7:04pm. My timeline for having a relaxing salad in CLT was shrinking as I was down to about 40 minutes to connect to my Orlando flight. 

I can still do it. I might have to grab the salad and eat on the plane but this night would not be the first when I would have to do that.  

It was interesting, I could feel the tension mounting and the stress increasing as my timeline slowly slipped away. About 10 minutes later a flash came across my phone:

Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 7:25pm.

Well, I just missed my flight to Orlando. I knew there was another flight after mine and I have pretty good status on the airline I was flying so I was sure they would rebook me. 

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself at the time. It is funny how  I had gone from this happy, self-actualized human being to anxious and self-centered in under an hour. Just because a circumstance that I could not control had changed.

So, realizing that I was not going to get my salad in CLT, I walked over to the little cafe in the Chattanooga airport, pulled myself up to the bar and asked for a menu. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Bartender: “Want anything to drink?”

Me: “No, I am really trying to limit my alcohol, especially during the week…”

Long pause

Me: “but since my flight is delayed, I will have a beer.”

Bartender: “16 or 22 ounce?”

Me: “16…No, make it a 22, what the heck! Who knows how long I will be here.”

Bartender: “Sounds good, now what do you want to eat?”

Me: “I will have the Chicken Club with Extra Bacon”

Bartender: “You want a side with that? You can have a salad, fruit, or kettle chips.”

Do I really have to tell you what I said in response to his question?

What Happened

As I was reflecting on what happened during that very short amount of time it really hit me: My emotions got the best of me.

I started feeling really sorry for myself. I was feeling lonely and anxious and disappointed all at the same time. Lonely because I was going to miss seeing my wife who would be long asleep by the time I got home. Anxious because I was not confident my flight was actually going to leave Chattanooga at all that night. Disappointed because I had intended to make a great, healthy choice for dinner.

Then, while sitting at the bar, as these emotions took their effect on me, I lost my Impulse Control. 

Oscar Wilde wrote in Lady Windermere’s Fan, “I can resist everything except temptation.”

Impulse Control is an ability to delay or resist an impulse or temptation to act. It entails avoiding rash behaviors and being compromised in decision making. People who display Impulse Control are self-aware when they are frustrated, lonely, anxious, or disappointed. Those with Impulse Control can delay gratification and are not slave to the emotions that stimulate poor decisions.

Grace is realizing that humans make mistakes, forgiving themselves, and getting back to the habits they know are in their best interest.

Of course, I had the kettle chips for my side. 

The next night, Kim fixed a very healthy salmon salad for us and all is again well with the world. 

My Take-A-Way

Even though I coach and teach emotional intelligence, I still have these moments, especially when I am feeling lonely and disappointed, where I act out of my norm and display lower impulse control than I normally would have. The point is to find these emotional tensions and to recognize them as triggers so that the next time I have a flight delayed (not if I have a flight delayed, but when it happens, because it will happen again) and I am feeling lonely and disappointed that I recognize this. I need to pick up the phone and call my wife and talk to her so I don’t feel lonely. Realizing I am still going to get home safely and not to be so disappointed, it is only a matter of timing and an hour or two at most.  

If I can show Impulse Control in the moment, then I can delay my gratification.  Not so that I will never have a Chicken Club with extra Bacon, Kettle Chips, and a beer, but that I choose when I am going to have these things and that they are not a default pleasure for me.  

These default pleasures rarely if ever really satisfy.  It is better to plan and anticipate to enjoy the things you like rather than use them to cover some emotional wound that really isn’t that bad to begin with.

I also think it is really important when we notice these things, that we forgive ourselves and rather than beat ourselves up or throw in the towel or have a bunch of shame around it, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, forgive ourselves, and put a plan in place so when it happens again we are ready to have better Impulse Control.

Riding the Storm Out

I have been working on this post for about 3 weeks now. Sometimes posts and ideas come quickly to me, but this one has been very different. I have been trying to communicate an idea that is a bit difficult to wrap my head around.

How does our emotional intelligence impact our love for certainty in decision making?

AND THEN CAME DORIAN.

And the idea of how emotional intelligence relates to uncertainty in decision making became much more clear to me.

Consider this case

As a leader, you have recently taken an emotional intelligence self-assessment and your results show you have high Self-Regard. This means that you have a strong confidence in your strengths and a clear knowledge of your weaknesses. You are feeling good about that.

Then, as you continue to read your assessment, you see that you are less certain on how to really solve problems that arise that have a clear emotional component. The assessment you took calls this Problem-Solving.

The coach who is helping you understand the impact of your emotions on your leadership says one way to think about this high level of Self-Regard and weaker ability to solve emotional problems that arise is that you double down on certainty to solve the problem you are facing.

It is not that you avoid the problem. Quite the contrary. You don’t quite understand the emotion associated with the problem, so you lean on your confidence and intuition.

Fast forward a week or so and someone on your team has made a mistake. Not just any mistake, but one that is going to cost half of your department’s quarterly budget. The implications of this error are profound:

• The team off-site will have to be cancelled

• Two vendors who are helping you solve an IT issue that is already 3 months behind will have to stop working until next quarter

• You are hoping your boss isn’t going to hold bonus money from the team

• Not to mention, the impact of this on your team’s yearly performance reviews

Since you are a naturally competitive person who was born to win, rather than step back for a moment and consider the emotional impact this problem is having, your knee jerk reaction is to control the situation and double down on your certainty of how to act.

You lean into all your competitiveness and desire to control the situation. That swirling fear of the unknown causes you to begin to awfulize the event that has occurred, giving it far more weight than it deserves.

Your boss emails you and wants to meet with you the next morning to “understand” what happened. You quickly shift into problem-solving mode. Rather than call the team together and process the event in a quick after action review, you put together a 10 slide presentation that will show your boss exactly what happened and how to most certainly prevent this from ever happen again.

Except…

It Won’t.

This is because the imbalance between your Self-Regard and your Problem-Solving will continue to take you to certainty when emotional problems arise. Rather than examining the emotion associated with the problem so that you better understand what really happened, you overplay your strength.

You feel the meeting with your boss went well. You explained with great confidence what happened and what you planned to do about it.

Nonetheless, the impact of this gap in emotional intelligence is real.

What you will never know is that while you felt the meeting with your boss went well, she has a different perspective. She didn’t want a 10 slide action plan, she just wanted to better understand what happened. You went into fix it mode, she wanted to know the gist of the problem. Your need for certainty and being uncomfortable with ambiguity was a reason she doesn’t see you as strategic. She communicates this to her peers and HR in a personnel planning meeting. She is not supportive of promoting you until you improve your strategic agility. Your bosses feedback to you will be that the organization doesn’t really see you as being strategic.

Likely this is not what is happening at all….

What Does Dorian have to do with all of this?

Since my wife and I live in Orlando, this storm has real meaning for us. As I am writing these words we are preparing for lots of wind and rain.

As I watched the weather people tried to predict what is going to happen. I quickly realized no one actually knows. And yet, the weather folks on TV have to come on with a great deal of confidence, even if they are unsure of all the variables that will go into deciding where this storm will actually hit.

Realizing the emotion that accompanies a storm like this, and that you can not, even with all your self-confidence ,control the outcome, is in some way comforting.

It is not if problems are going to arise but when. The wisdom is in how you are going to respond.

I argue this wisdom has something to do with your emotional intelligence and the balance you have in your strengths and weakness.

See you all after Dorian. Please pray for Florida!!

Do you have a case of “Yeah, But?”

The experience of being a grandparent is everything I thought it would be and more! My wife and I just finished a three-day “grandparents camp” with our little granddaughter and we had such a good time together. Our little bundle of joy has really made an impact on my life. She has changed me a lot.

However, there has been one change I did not expect.

My brother, who beat me to the grandparenting experience by about 18 months, kept telling me it was going to be the best experience of my life. He would send me videos of himself and his grandson playing on the floor together or reading stories. While there was a sense of joy, I have to admit it didn’t look like that much fun to me. I have not rolled on the ground with kids for a long time. Where was the intellectual stimulation going to come from?

How Wrong Can One Man Be

I was 100% wrong! I had no idea what I was talking about. My little granddaughter has totally changed my approach to life.

The most profound effect she’s had on me is the revelation that I need to continue to work on my listening skills. Here is an example:

“Grandpa let's take Carlos (my dog) for a walk.”

“Ok, let me finish the article I am working on and we will go.”

“Yeah, But Carlos needs to go for a walk.”

Or Consider,

“Grandma, I want a snack.”

“Sweetie we will eat lunch pretty soon.”

“Yeah, But I want a snack.”

Many times when change is not going our way, we as humans do not want to go deeper into the reason why. Since change brings on so much emotion, it is important for us to step back and realize the problem we are having with change could be that we are trying to use logic with an emotional issue.

For my wife and I, being grandparents means that we have had about 6 years since our youngest son left our home and our little grandbaby entered our world. When Greg left home he departed as an adult. We could have very adult-like, seemingly logical discussions with him.

What seems so obvious to me now never occurred to me in the moment. Why wouldn’t telling my granddaughter that we would have lunch pretty soon be good enough for her? Surely she has experienced lunch before and knows her hunger will be satiated when she finishes her meal. I mean by now she has probably had over 700 lunches in her life, surely that is enough repetition for her to know what lunch means…

Yeah, But...

I have experienced the case of “Yeah, But” in my coaching practice as well. I will be working with a client who knows they need to change a behavior, such as:

• Becoming more assertive in meetings

• Having more empathy for those they lead

• Taking deep breaths and relaxing

• Celebrating the success of others

• Having more empathy for those they lead (It was worth listing it twice!)

As I work with them on these, and many other skills, I can often sense a,

Yeah, But...

It is there. It is not always obvious. Maybe not even articulated. But, as I sense the resistance from my client I can feel like I am up against a “Yeah, But.”

This is an indicator for me to slow down and try and understand the emotions my client is feeling. Yeah But means there is an emotional hurdle that needs to be jumped, and before I rush on with more logical thought, I need to slow down and help my client climb over the emotional barrier.

When we are working with people experiencing change, speaking logic during these times can be futile. Instead, we, as the leader, need to focus on helping our followers navigate change in a safe and trusting environment. It is during times of confidence and protection that Yeah But can be satisfied and the learning can resume.

Even if that learning means having a snack right before lunch.