I know it is going to be an interesting conversation with a coaching client when the conversation opens with “I’m struggling with a person on my team. We do not have a very good relationship. Do you have any advice for me?”
For me, being a coach is about the person I am working with, figuring out what is going on inside of them so that they can get the responses or actions they want. My desire is to function more like an investigator rather than an oracle. Rather than providing advice, I find myself asking them a lot more questions.
When a client talks to me about their relational struggles, many questions come to my mind. I really have to think about what direction I want the conversation to go. Here are some questions I get curious about:
Why is there a struggle?
What is it about this person that makes things difficult?
Do you feel this way about others on the team?
What does a good relationship look like to you?
Do you have good relationships with other team members?
Are there any other contexts that are affecting the relationship as opposed to it being just about this person?
No matter which of these questions I ultimately ask, the answer is usually one that is a surprise to me. So, if I ask, “Why the struggle?” I would get back something like “The person reminds me of someone from my past who treated me horribly.” Or, “They are a micromanager, so the further I stay away from them the better.”
This is where as a coach, I have to practice what Edgar Schein calls “Humble Inquiry;” asking a question that you don’t know the answer to with an attitude of interest in the other person.
Schein says that as leaders in the conversation it is up to the leader to humble themselves. This means that I, as the leader have to put my needs and desires aside and really focus on the person in front of me and what they need at the time. This can be really hard.
It would be easier, rather than asking a follow-up question, to relate an experience that I have had in the past and to rush in and solve the problem for the other person. For example, I could share how I once had a boss who was a micromanager as well, and what I did was learn to anticipate what they needed so that when they dug in they could see it was already done. This is exactly what my coaching client does not need from me though.
I have to humble myself to realize that it is not about me. It is about the person I am coaching. Once I do this, I am ready to discover more about what the issue really is. I am ready to get curious and inquire.
Humble Inquiry Questions
These types of questions are not difficult. They are short and very open-ended. They spark immense curiosity in the conversation. Here are 4 of my favorites:
Can you say more about that?
Can you tell me a little bit more?
Can you elaborate even further?
What was that like for you?
The goal of the Humble Inquiry line of questions is to get the client to unpack more of what is on their mind. I am always amazed at how being curious about meaning takes the conversations to places I did not expect them to go. It is a bit like going to Disney World; I know it is going to be fun, but I just don’t know what I am going to discover when I get there.
My Number One Hack for Improving Relationships
Take them to lunch!
That is it. It really is that simple. Invite the person you are struggling to develop a relationship with to lunch. Your only objective is to get to know them better.
Although most studies indicate that sharing a meal contributes to communication and relationship development, many theories and research indicate that it is the specific practices at mealtime rather than the food itself or the ties that create the real value (Larson, Branscomb, & Wiley, 2006).
In one case study by Watland, Hallenbeck, & Kresse, (2008) police officers enrolled in an MBA program shared a meal together once a week. More than 69% of the participants indicated that their interactions with each other had positively affected the work of their department. The initial interactions among participants were built on getting to know each other better. This soon translated to a deeper knowledge and level of trust and the group began relying on each other to solve problems in the work setting.
Most sociologists tell us that it is not the food, but the dedicated mealtime, that is the developer of social bonds. I would propose that while eating, you can not talk as much and you are forced to listen more. If you really are enjoying your pizza so much that you would rather just ask a short question instead of getting back to the sausage and pepperoni, then maybe, just maybe, you will be nourished not only physically but spiritually as well.
So, if you are struggling with a relationship, invite them to lunch! What harm can it do?
While it may not solve all the problems, I think you will find if you practice Humble Inquiry, it is a step in the right direction.