This is my third and final post in a series on the emotion of surprise. If you missed the first two, you can click here to catch up.
To be surprised by something is to have your attention shifted from one sense of reality to another.
In organizations, it is popular to say that feedback is a gift. I have even said it myself! And, it is true…feedback is a gift. Sometimes, however, that gift is not appreciated at the time. Sometimes feedback is like a good stew, and it has to simmer with the rest of the ingredients in order for us to be able to appreciate the overall flavor. It takes time.
If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know my favorite book on the subject of feedback, is one by Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen; Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.
In their work, Doug and Shelia say feedback includes any information you get about yourself. It not only includes what gets ranked, but what gets thanked, commented on, and invited back or dropped. It can be formal, informal, direct, or implicit. It can be blunt or baroque (I had to look this word up if I am honest), totally obvious or so subtle you’re not sure what it is.
I think you can feel the complexity as Doug and Shelia unpack the idea a bit.
The other day my wife said to me from the kitchen, “Are you still in your office working?” What do you mean am I still in my office working? Was my thought. Are you checking on me because you know how important this project is, or was that a passive-aggressive way to say stop working and come spend some time with me fixing dinner? Are you excited about the project I am working on because you know how good it will be for the business, or are you sick of me spending so much time working and you want me to spend more time with you?
Now that is complex!
“Are you still in your office working?” Seven simple words. It could be she has just lost track of me and wants to know where I am. It could be that she has about had it with my “work ethic” and is going to make me choose between work and her.
She simply said the words, I am the one who is in the process of assigning the meaning to the words.
Measuring the Tone of Feedback
I think feedback takes on this tenor. So many times we get feedback like, “Jerry takes a long time to get to the point.” This could mean I appreciate his level of detail, or he needs to be more concise.
The deliverer of the feedback has an intention for sharing, the receiver of the feedback is impacted. However, these two things, the intention and the impact, do not always come together.
This is why feedback needs to be a conversation. It has to be reserved for those times when the intention of the deliverer and the impact it has on the receiver can be aligned. If there is not time for the alignment, much like putting on a new set of tires on a car without balancing them, they might roll but the ride will be rough and you will not get as good of gas mileage as you would had you taken the time to align the tires from the start.
My Feedback Gift
At Christmas time every year, my mother-in-law gives my wife and me a card. That is no surprise.
The cards are beautiful expressions of the season of Christmas and come complete with words from Hallmark where the important words are underlined and circled. In addition, there is a handwritten bible verse along with some personal expressions of love and gratitude. These cards are priceless. I really cherish the thoughts and the sentiments that are shared.
The surprise this year is that in the card my mother-in-law did an acrostic of both mine and my wife’s names. I know you know what an acrostic is, but just in case, it is where the first letter of each line spells out a specific word.
In the card was our Names:
S
C
O
T
T
&
K
I
M
M
I
J
O
Then what she did was to put a word that described us next to each letter. Now I am not going to share what was written for each letter. But I am going to share two of the letters in my name. To me, they were very interesting because they represented feedback on how I show up. Also interesting because in my mind some contrast is present.
C-Candid
T-Tolerant
Here is the thing about surprise, what did she mean when she put candid and tolerant together?
Candid, am I too forthright with my opinion? Usually, candid means truthful and straightforward, but it could also be hurtful if not accompanied by empathy.
Tolerant, am I too accepting of opinions I do not agree with? Or am I patient with people not like me?
Norma’s perspective of me is that I am both candid and tolerant. This is just such good feedback. I think what is needed is to sit down with her over a hot cup of tea and explore what she means by this so I can make sure I am showing up as intended….honest, caring, and compassionate.