This week, I want to give you a specific example of how using the emotion of surprise can be a valuable tool to have in your tool belt as a coach.
A Story
I am currently working with the most amazing individual. Super talented. Highly prized by the organization. Gifted with skills in finance. Gifted with people.
There is just this one thing that is constantly nagging, pulling this leader down into the depths of almost despair. It is noticeable by me and by others I have interviewed in the organization.
This leader shows up in the dumps, a little bit like the fictional character Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. Eeyore, who is famously known for saying things like, “It’s not much of a tail, but I’m sort of attached to it.” My client would say, “I did the best I could with the time I had."
Eeyore: “If it is a good morning, which I doubt.”
My client: “I will have to wait until the end of the day to tell you if it was good or not.”
Eeyore: “Thanks for noticin’ me.”;
My client: “It was nothin.’”
The conversations are always a bit on the negative side. When we talked about this, the client’s reaction was “I’m just trying to be humble. I really don’t want to be seen as bragging, taking credit, or a know-it-all.”
Then came this, “Dr. Livingston, you are one of the smartest people I know, I hope you can help me with this.”
The Surprise
"I understand your desire to be seen as humble,” I empathized, “it is really a noble character trait.”
“Although I have to say if you think I am one of the smartest people you know, you need to get out and meet more people. I know it feels to you like you have a sense of inferiority and you are positioning this as humility.”
Then I asked the surprising question, to try to help get the leader unstuck: What if this inferiority you are feeling is a facade that is really masking a deeper felt (sometimes unconscious) sense of superiority?
Long pause…..deafening silence….almost a full minute.
"What do you mean?” the client asked.
What if this Eeyore facade is really masking what you really feel, which is that you are pretty good. Is it possible you do not want to be seen as arrogant, so to guard against this you show up as what you are calling humble, but is actually experienced by others as inferiority.*
Long pause…More deafening silence….felt like an hour.
“I have never really thought about it that way before. I don’t know if you are right or not but it is interesting.”
Coaching goal accomplished.
By bringing an element of surprise into the discussion, the client is now unstuck. Since a safe space had been created with the client, and an air of trust existed, the element of surprise was a great emotion to lean on.
As an external coach, I don’t need to be right. In my mind, it is not about being right or wrong, it is about helping the client to get unstuck and move.
Often times, the emotion of surprise is useful as it jars the client from what they are seeing or experiencing into a new reality.
As an internal coach, consider cautiously using this technique, because of the need to have a longterm relationship. However, I do think it is possible to be used from time to time to help a person get a glimpse of a different reality.
*The theory I was using here was not out of left field. While I didn’t need to be right, it is at least important to be grounded. According to Dr. Aqualus Gordon, "While not necessarily evidence of a full complex, examples of this inferiority dynamic are observable when we do things like:
Reject praise we duly deserve.
Fish for compliments via self-deprecation (e.g., humble-bragging).
Or portray helplessness during situations in which we have power.
The client was rejecting praise and did show up as helpless when in complete control. So this was a risk worth taking in my mind to help the client get unstuck.