A Simple Hack for Work Relationship Difficulties

I know it is going to be an interesting conversation with a coaching client when the conversation opens with,

“I am really struggling with so and so on my team. We just do not have a very good relationship. Do you have any advice for me?”

For me, being a coach is about the person I am working with figuring out what is going on inside of themselves so they can get the responses or actions they desire. My desire is to function more like an investigator rather than an oracle. Rather than providing advice, I find myself asking a lot more questions.

When I hear a client tell me of relational struggles, many questions come to my mind. I really have to think about what direction I want the conversation to go. Here are some questions I find myself wanting to get curious about:

• Why the struggle?

• What is it about so and so that makes this difficult?

• Do you feel this way about others on the team?

• What does a good relationship look like to you?

• Do you have good relationships with other team members?

• Are there contexts that are affecting the relationship as opposed to it being about the person?

No matter which of these questions I ultimately ask, the answer is usually one that is a surprise to me. So, if I would ask, “Why the struggle” I would get back something like “The person reminds me of someone from my past who treated me horribly.” Or I get something like, “They are such a micromanager, the further I stay away the better.”

This is where as a coach, I have to practice what Edgar Schein calls “Humble Inquiry;” asking the question to which you don’t know the answer with an attitude of interest in the other person.

Schein says that as the leader in the conversation it is up to me to humble myself. This means that I have to put my needs and desires aside and really focus on the person in front of me and what they need at the time. This can be really hard.

It would be so easy, rather than to ask a follow up question, to relate an experience I have had in the past and to rush in and solve the problem for the other person. For example, I could share how I once had a boss who was a micromanager and what I did was to learn to anticipate what they needed so when they dug in they could see it was already done.

This is exactly what my coaching client does not need from me.

I have to humble myself, to realize that it is not about me. It is about the person I am coaching. Once I do this, I am ready to discover more about what the issue really is. I am ready to get curious and inquire.

Humble Inquiry Questions

These types of questions are not difficult. They are short and very open-ended. They spark immense curiosity into the conversation. Here are 4 of my favorites:

• Say more about that.

• Tell me more.

• Can you elaborate?

• What was that like for you?

The goal of the Humble Inquiry line of questions is to get the client to unpack more of what is on their mind. I am always amazed at how being curious around meaning takes the conversations to places I did not expect it to go. It is a bit like going to Disney World; I know it is going to be fun, I just don’t know what I am going to discover when I get there.

My Number One Hack For Improving Relationships

Take them to lunch!

That is it. It really is that simple. Invite the person you are struggling to develop relationship to lunch. Your only objective is to get to know them better.

Although most studies indicate that sharing a family meal contributes to communication and family relationship development, many theories and research indicate that it is the specific practices at mealtime rather than the food itself or the biological family ties that create the real value (Larson, Branscomb, & Wiley, 2006).

In one case study by Watland, Hallenbeck, & Kresse, (2008) police officers enrolled in an MBA program who shared a meal together once a week. More than 69 percent of the participants indicated that their interactions with each other had positively affected the work of the department.The initial interactions amongst participants were built on getting to know each other better. This soon translated to a deeper knowledge and level of trust and the group began relying on each other to solve problems in the work setting.

Most sociologists tell us that it is not the food, but the dedicated mealtime, that is the developer of social bonds. I would propose that while eating, you can not talk as much and you are forced to listen more. If you really are enjoying your pizza so much that you would rather ask a short question and get back to the sausage and pepperoni then maybe, just maybe, you will be nourished not only physically but spiritually as well.

So, if you are struggling with a relationship, invite them to lunch! What harm can it do?

While it may not solve all the problems, I think you will find if you practice Humble Inquiry, it is a step in the right direction.

Bon Appetit!

Give it a listen...

On this first Monday of the new year, I wanted to share a fun opportunity I had recently to be a guest on my friend Lee Stephenson’s podcast, Unfiltered.

I won’t spoil our conversation, but if you have 30 minutes and an interest in emotional intelligence, I think you’ll enjoy it. Click here to give it a listen.

If you’d rather read our conversation, you can find the transcript by clicking here.

Thank you, Lee, for having me!

Think differently as you set goals for next year

I’d like to share a story about an inexperienced leader named Charlie. He shows up to work early and stays late. He’s motivated to move from an individual contributor into his first front-line leader role, but he’s not sure how to make that happen. He’s getting grief from his wife for working weekends, and his heavy workload doesn’t ever seem to ease up. How can he move into a leadership role if he’s buried in his current role?

Charlie’s organization is offering a course on Leading with Emotional Intelligence and his boss is encouraging him to attend the class. Charlie feels conflicted. According to research, if Charlie puts this training in the form of a goal that has a useful future orientation, he is more likely to get the results he is looking for, rather than to put the goal in some prevention connotation.

Research published in the Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies (Sadler, T., Gibson, S., Reysen, S. (2017), reports the effect of a leadership training program on consideration of future consequences. (Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies, 10(4), 35-42.)

To operationalize this a bit, let’s say that you have a team of leaders who are all functional experts; Human Resources, Engineering, Information Technology, Sales, Manufacturing, Marketing, Finance and so on. This team, in the past, while getting along personally, has conformed to operating in silos. Each person does a great job of representing their own function to the face of the organization, but as a team, they struggled to get the synergy that would propel them to the next level.

The sales leader was always trying to maximize sales and didn’t understand why Marketing couldn’t supply the customer segmentation data fast enough. And why did it take Engineering so long to get the prototype built and delivered to the client?  Engineering, on the other hand, was frustrated with Supply Chain who just couldn’t get realistic estimates on how much materials were actually going to cost.

The president of the organization, realizing the leaders were all doing a great job of representing their individual role, needed to function better as a team. She was encouraged by a colleague to explore the idea of a training program that would focus on team building.  

But would it be successful? Would the organization get synergy from the team development so that the return on the investment would be positive for shareholders?   

A good question. A fair question.

Turns out the data is a little mixed on what should be expected.

A Little Background

It is no secret that organizations spend billions of dollars every year on training people in their organizations. Everything from skill-based training, like how to weld two pieces of metal together, or how to write computer code. From more leadership-oriented topics like Leading with Emotional Intelligence or Writing Your Own Leadership Story, to team building events.

Whether the training is skill-based or cultivating leadership in our organizations, the question always surfaces as to what is the return on investment.  There is research that can help us determine if leadership type training is effective in helping leaders meet their goals. But it depends…

Goal Type

It turns out that when it comes to goals, leaders pursue attainment using one of two strategies:

1. Promotion: concentrating the efforts of achievement on positive proactive and productive results.

2. Prevention: targeting efforts on avoiding negative outcomes.

Let’s revisit our friend, Charlie. If his orientation is more to prevent something bad from happening or toward thwarting a negative future response, then his success in the training and as a future leader is in question.

How can Charlie (or his boss) orientate the training as to get a more successful outcome for him as a leader? If Charlie says to himself, “I want to take this leadership training because it will help me be a better coach and mentor to others in the organization someday,” then the aspect to his goal attainment has shifted.

Charlie is moving from individual contributor to organizational leader, and that is what is going to help him get what he wants.

How are you orienting the goals of folks in your organization?  Are you creating a positive, futuristic orientation of hope for the future, or are you trying to prevent failure?

The orientation of our thinking matters!

What to do when your business vision is stuck

Years ago, I worked with a business leader who had an incredible vision for his organization. He was a passionate leader with excellent communication skills and energy for his mission. He was intellectually and morally solid and cared deeply for the people in his organization.

But he was stuck.

His organization just couldn’t grow the business past a certain industry-standard metric. However, the stagnation issue became evident as we looked over some feedback provided by his peers. One of the interview questions I ask the peers of my clients (as a routine part of my data gathering) was, "What is the vision this leader has for the organization?" After several interviews, the collective response was, “The vision is very clear, but we have no idea what steps we need to take to get started. It is like he has been dreaming of this his entire life and we are catching it for the first time."

As I presented this feedback to the leader and we processed the data together, his knee-jerk reaction was “We don’t have time to wait for them to process this. The time is now! They need to get on board or get out of the way. We are going to miss our opportunity. The timing is just right!"

So I asked,“Is it their lack of urgency, or could it be something else?”

After processing with him for a while, we discovered there was not a lack of urgency on the part of the organization. There was, however, a lack of emotional connection between the leader and his team. The urgency that the leader was feeling for vision implementation and change was being offset by his lack of emotional connection competency of patience. People in the organization need the time to absorb, process, and own the vision themselves.

Patience is devoting the appropriate time and attention to others in ways that enhance meaningful interaction.

Patience is suspending your personal need for satisfaction and action.

Patience seeks to slow down those fast-paced exchanges with others in order to facilitate better decision-making.

Patience is not racing ahead in thought process while missing information that others are endeavoring to share.

Patience is not wasting the opportunities to encourage, inspire, and motivate others.

In leader development, it is always important to keep perspective on a leader who is not connecting emotionally with his team. Without this emotional connection, it is virtually impossible to have the social intelligence needed to achieve organizational effectiveness.

There are a number of reasons a follower may choose to align with a leader. Fully committing to the vision of the leader is a quintessential desire that followers have. What they receive in return for committing to the vision of the leader is an emotional connection with that leader.

In our case study above, the leader has a choice. He can either move forward with his urgency and risk losing his entire vision. Or he can proactively slow down and take the time to encourage, inspire, and motivate his people. By embracing patience and connecting emotionally with his team, he can catapult the vision to the next level with everyone on board.

How are you connecting emotionally with your team? I’d love to hear your comments.

5 Common Vision Mistakes and How to Fix Them

When most leaders think of vision they imagine the two-fold process of creating the vision and casting it to their team. These are important elements but the responsibility of vision implementation does not solely rest in the creation process. Rather than the actual vision getting the blame when it's not gaining traction, maybe we need to dig a little deeper into the question of why our vision is not working.

Listed below are some reflections on common vision-setting mistakes. I’ve either made these mistakes myself or been associated with leaders who could have received better results if they had paid closer attention to these elements.

Problem#1: Not describing where the vision originated.

Whether your vision comes to you from a mountaintop, or at your desk, or from team collaboration, you need to communicate it to those in your organization. Your team needs sufficient details in order to understand and have trust in where you are taking them. Some will follow blindly, but most will not. As you provide details on how you arrived at your vision, you will earn their trust.

The Fix: Spend time providing details around the vision to your team so they can catch your enthusiasm for where the organization is headed.

Problem #2: Lack of role clarity for inner circle followers.

Those in your inner circle must have clarity about what role they play in order to make the vision a reality. Your direct reports must be able to articulate and own the entire vision from the creation process to the communication and implementation. Accountability is vital within this inner circle. The leader should not bear sole responsibility for creation, ownership, and implementation. These elements must be an organizational process.

The Fix: Everyone in the inner circle must have specific accountability for their aspect of vision implementation.

Problem #3: Lack of personal belief in the vision.

Many of you do not have direct impact or influence on the vision for your organization, however, others in your organization need to know that you embrace the vision. You do not have to agree with every small detail around implementation, nonetheless, it is vital that you believe in the vision and overall direction of the organization. If not, you probably need to do some reflection on whether you are in the right place. If you do not like the vision, influence it. If you can not influence it and you don’t like it, then maybe your calling is elsewhere.

The Fix: Reflect on how you personally believe in the vision of your organization. Write out your thoughts. If you don’t believe in the vision, get out. You will only be a barrier to performance in the long run. If you need to leave the organization, this reflection will help you articulate your beliefs for the next group you associate with.

Problem #4: Abdication of the vision.

Here is one I heard recently: “This is Pastor Eric’s vision for our church!" May these words never be uttered in your organization where the masses have not bought in and owned the vision for themselves. If ownership of the vision does not get passed down, the likelihood of the vision becoming reality is slim.

The Fix: Everyone in the organization needs to be accountable for how they are implementing the vision in their department. As you interact with your team have conversations about what they are doing to own and make the vision a reality?

Problem #5: Devaluing encouragement.

People in the organization need to know that you believe they understand the vision. Far too many leaders cast a vision then move on to something else. The best way to build positive momentum around the vision is to articulate it and catch people carrying it out. When you look for those opportunities of catching the vision, celebrate and let everyone in the organization commend their achievement. Again, there is no better way to get the behavior you are looking for than to communicate success. Period.

The Fix: Catch people implementing the vision and celebrate it with the world!

Where do you see yourself in these 5 vision mistakes? Perhaps it would be helpful to write a 3 bullet point action plan for you to turn your mistake into learning, and eventually a success. If you try this, we would love to hear how it is working for you. Why not leave a comment below and share your thoughts?

How Do You Solve This Leadership Problem?

A few years ago, I had a fascinating conversation with a client who had an unusual problem. His organization was hiring for an upcoming position and the internal candidate was confident, driven, and articulate during the interview process. However, when he asked her to explain different ways she’s handled “critical feedback,” she was silent. My client asked the same question in a different way and framed the query with how she’s handled “personal development opportunities.” Still no answer. He even used an example of something he had observed in their workplace interactions and it still didn’t induce an answer on her part.

He was puzzled, and I can see why. What’s the best practice, for a leader, on helping someone see their personal weaknesses and potential areas for development? 

Here are some ideas of what may be happening when your team member can’t see their own shortcomings:

1. Lack of self-awareness.  They don’t know themselves to receive feedback and how to process the information. A lack of self-awareness is actually quite common in leadership development. Self-awareness means understanding the strengths and weaknesses of the leader and the effect these have on others in different situations and contexts.

2. Poor listener.  Even though my client asked the same question in different ways, it is possible that the woman didn't understand. In any dialogue, there are three conversations happening. The first is between the two participants, and the other two conversations are the ones that each participant is having with themselves. If the interior monologue has a “higher volume” than the verbal conversation, active listening is not happening. The conversation energy is going toward preparing what to say next when the other person stops talking.

3. Arrogance. It is common for the leadership literature to call this narcissism. Another common description is pride or being so self-absorbed that previous feedback rolled off her back. In this case, it seems like she heard the feedback, but rejected it.

4. Omniscience. A high level of knowledge is often seen as a positive quality in a leader, as knowledge and experience are valuable commodities. However, a leader who believes they are all knowing is on a slippery slope.

5. Lack of self-regard. Self-regard is an ability to be able to accept yourself for who you are. It is the appreciation for your positive attributes, and your perceived negative traits, while still feeling good about yourself. With my client’s interviewee, it’s possible her personal view of self was so low or distorted, that admitting fault would appear as weakness.

As leaders, it is vital we learn how to receive critical feedback and capitalize on personal growth opportunities. So, how are YOU doing on answering the question, “What is your personal development opportunity”?

Give this question full breadth and stretch yourself a bit? Get honest and ask, "What do I need to work on that will cause me to be a more effective leader?" Let me know what you find out about yourself and how I can encourage you on your journey.

Will These Three Ideas Help You Succeed?

What questions have you been asking yourself as you build your success story? Perhaps, it is, “As HR Vice President, what does leadership development look like?” Or, “As a sales leader, how can I balance work and family? Or even possibly, “As a Church Plant Pastor, what do I need to do to grow my congregation?”

These are tough, yet realistic problems that we face as professionals, but I think we need to reframe the questions.

Any coach (whether formal or informal, external or internal, paid or volunteer, executive or life or organizational) must have the skill of listening then reframing questions. Reframing a question provides a different perspective on the issue at hand.

As a coach, it’s my job to reframe the question to help you get to the heart of the matter. Rather than asking about leadership development, I would challenge you to ask the real question, “What do I need to do to get promoted in my next role in the company?”

Or if you’re the sales leader, what I really hear you asking is, “If I sacrifice time with my family, will it be worth it financially?”

Or to the pastor, I would reframe the question as, “What should I be doing to grow my church? I am doing everything the books say, but it isn’t working!”

Please don’t misunderstand my point. I do think that people want to know how you approach things, how you set goals, how you solve problems, how you prioritize resources, how you assess risk. But, the answers they want will direct back at themselves.

Enter the world of what psychologists call self-efficacy.

Research On Self-Efficacy

Self-Efficacy is a fancy term for belief in yourself; confidence in the capabilities and talents you have been given and developed. Studies have shown that the confidence you have in your capabilities affects your performance and is linked to happiness, satisfaction, and well-being. All of these attributes in one way or another link to success.

Research published in the December 2016 issue of the Consulting Psychology Journal outlines that you can help those you coach be more successful by following three simple ideas:

1. Invest the Time: The confidence of the person increased as the coaching relationship evolved over time. As you coach others over the course of your conversation, notice how their confidence increases toward the coaching objective. When it does, make them aware that you are seeing this increase in confidence.

2. Say it Out Loud: The more the client verbally articulates their confidence, the higher the achievement to the goal actually becomes. “I am going to do this” type statements show confidence in the client's ability. The more they make commitments out loud, the increased likelihood of belief in themselves.

3. Ask the Right Question at the Right Time: In this study, questions asked by coaches fell into three categories:

   • Open-ended - “What do you want to do?"

   • Proposing Solutions - “You could search for other companies that offer better possibilities.”

   • Provide Support - “That sounds like a great idea."

The research points to proposing solutions as the only effective method in triggering self-efficacy statements in the very first coaching session. While the other two methods are also valid, they merely enhanced the confidence of the other person throughout the coaching engagement.

As you work with and coach others on your team, especially if you have more of a long-term relationship, focus on asking open-ended questions and providing support for the ideas they bring. Too many of us fall into the trap of proposing solutions because it makes us feel better about ourselves like we added real value. I would argue that the value you bring is the investment of time and belief in the person you are coaching. The research says that the value of you proposing solutions beyond early in a coaching relationship does little to improve the confidence or belief in the mind of the person you are working with.

How would your work environment change if you focused on building the confidence of others in your organization? When you are coaching others, resist the temptation to make the coaching about you by offering advice and providing them solutions. Really focus on practicing open-ended questions and providing your client the support they need.

How Can Curiosity Help Your Leadership Journey?

When a child builds a Lego creation, they rarely step back and say, "This is my masterpiece, my life's work is finished!" Instead, they allow their curiosity to grow and they often improve their handiwork or build something entirely different. Kids are open to the possibilities of their creations.

Leadership is also this way. Cast a vision, identify your followers, build your team up, but do not stop there. Become curious about your team, how you work together, and the goal you are working toward. Learn about your followers and look at your projects from different angles. This will allow you to gain perspective of how others see your leadership versus how you see it and allow you to revel in this curiosity.

WHAT IF YOU’VE LOST YOUR PASSION FOR THE JOB?

Elizabeth Gilbert, the author of Eat Pray Love, says one of the grand misconceptions about quitting your boring job so you can have a creative life is that 90% of what you will find in your new life will be boring too. It is mundane. It is slugging it out. In my own life, I left my job to pursue my passion and do what I felt would be more exciting. Today, I get entrepreneurs and business people who come up to me and say, "I want to do what you do, it seems so cool." Now, helping my clients become more effective in their leadership is awesome.

But I want to let you in on a secret.

90% of what I do is boring.

I have contracting and invoicing, and managing expectations, and TSA, and delayed flights. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything because I enjoy the 10% that allows me to interact with interesting people. The one thing that motivates me through the mundane are those people, as well as one simple word: curiosity.

CURE IT WITH CURIOSITY

I treat the boring by igniting curiosity. I take myself and my needs out of it, and instead, make it an exploration. Always learning, always curious.

I encourage you to add this to your leadership experience: a journey of curiosity with the discipline of organizational leadership. Leadership is an arrangement between you and your followers. After some time, this relationship can become very boring, if you don’t remain curious.

Through curiosity and learning, you'll strengthen your leadership and build strong relationships with your followers. Your newfound understanding will allow you to work in sync and you'll see your vision arise. When this happens, there will be moments where the passion is reignited. Until those moments arrive, remain curious and be eager to learn. This is a safe and wonderful place for you to explore.

What would it take for you to ignite curiosity about your team? What can you learn from them? What insights could they offer on your current project that you hadn't thought about?

Let me know what you learn by emailing me or leaving a comment below.

If you are a leader, please read this NOW. It is affecting you, too.

Last year I worked on a project that brought a lot of value to a client of mine, and in the process, I have become more self-aware of some changes I need to make in my own journey.

Here is the background story:

My client asked me to develop a 90-minute training on the subject of Implicit Bias. 

The project sounded interesting to me for several reasons. First, I have not done anything with the topic since graduate school. Second, I have been reading in the mornings from a little book by Parker Palmer called, “On the Brink of Everything: Grace, Gravity, & Getting Old.” He has been speaking into my life as only Parker Palmer can about some baggage I am carrying around that I no longer need. These things started as unconscious biases, but through the work of Palmer, I have become more keenly aware of them.

Now for this story to make sense you have to know, and you can probably tell, I am a huge Parker Palmer fan. I read everything he writes, and most of it two or three times. There is just something about how he speaks truth through his own journey in life that I cannot get enough of.

As I work on this project, I am researching the topic of Implicit Bias. The implicit part means unconscious, so what I am NOT talking about are biases we realize we have. One example of a known bias I hold is that if I have a choice between any kind of ethnic food I will always choose Asian, specifically Thai…even over tacos, which is not easy for me to say.  When eating ethnic food, I realize I have a bias toward Chicken Pad Thai, Coconut Rice, and Panang Curry!

Implicit biases, however, are unconscious, inflexible beliefs about a particular category of people.  Implicit bias is basing our thinking on people not as individuals, but as a nameless, faceless group. Implicit bias is not what I like or don’t like about an individual person, but more about an attitude toward an entire group of people. 

To familiarize yourself with the idea of Implicit Bias and how it might be affecting your thinking, try this little thought experiment.

Thought Experiment

Record the first thought that comes to your head when you read the following list of words:

• A person in a wheelchair

• An immigrant from Mexico

• A single mom with 4 kids

• A person from New York City

As you completed this little thought experiment, a couple of things can happen:

1. If you know someone who fits the description in some way, you use them as a substitute for an entire group of people. This could be positive or negative.  For me, I do not personally know any single mothers with 4 kids. But I do have a mom who had 4 kids, who stayed at home until all the kids were out of the house. My personal experience then becomes part of the frame that shapes my thinking about single mothers with 4 kids: that they should stay home with the kids until they are grown.  Again, not a proud moment for me, but one that I have to realize is shaping how I view the world. I put all moms with 4 kids in a category in my mind that this is how they should all be because this is what my experience has been.

2. If you do not know someone in this category personally, then you likely have had some experience along the way that will be shaping your thoughts. For example, when I think of a person in a wheelchair, the first thought I have is “they slow me down in the airport.” I am not proud of this thought, but this is an Implicit Bias I have. After all, isn’t the entire world about me? If I see someone in a wheelchair, I have a knee jerk thought reaction that their time is not as valuable as mine. I just really want to make myself puke when I write this.

Okay, I am tired of self-disclosing right now so you can play with the rest of these categories of people to decide for yourself if you are proud of how you responded. The more honest you are with yourself, the more you can change your thinking with some self-awareness and dedicated thinking.

Now that I have completely exposed myself to some unconscious biases that I have…enter Parker Palmer into my life to bring some motivation for me to think differently.

In the book I mentioned above, on page 154, Palmer writes about self-awareness and self-examination. He states, “…this call [for self-examination and self-awareness] goes back as far as Socrates, who believed that the unexamined life is not worth living.” Palmer adds, “the unexamined life is a threat to others.”

Ouch!  That one hurts.

Especially since I do not mean to intentionally do harm to Mexican immigrants or single moms with 4 kids, or people in wheelchairs.

But the fact is, I might be harming them. And this is what I need to go to war with.

Because my implicit biases are unconscious, it is only by bringing them to my consciousness and going to war with them that I can make necessary changes in my life. 

My Recipe for Change

I am following a three-step process in confronting my unconscious  biases:

1. See
   I am really trying to watch out for unconscious bias in my life. I am trying to become more aware of when I categorize or group people and then apply wholesale thoughts about them to my situation.

2. Think
   Once I recognize that I am judging people by groups, I am trying to become more empathetic toward them. To really ask myself what it would be like to be them?  Christian Kaisers, in his book, The Empathic Brain, writes that more empathic individuals activate their own actions more strongly than less empathic people while watching the actions of others. We need to practice flexing our empathic muscle to get better at it.

3. Do
   Up until this point, I have not taken any action. The only way I build stronger muscle is to do something positive to change my thoughts. Dr. Sondra Thiederman, in her book 3 Keys to Defeating Unconscious Bias, says “attitude follows behavior.” I need to be specific in seeing people as individuals, and then I need to take it a step further and get to know them. If I do not know any moms with 4 kids, then I need to find a few of them and learn what it is like in their world.  If I don’t know any Mexican immigrants, then I need to seek them out and ask what it is like to be them.

Thank you to my client and to Parker Palmer. You all have rocked my world, hopefully for the better.

Do You Suffer From Presbyigetis?

I have had several discussions recently with business owners and senior business leaders who are working through how to successfully transition employees back to work as stay at home orders are being lifted.

These are complex issues and there is, I believe, no one right answer for every organization. The issues in New York City are very different from what they might be in rural Montana. This is what lead me to begin thinking about Presbyigetis.

Just so you know…I made up the word “Presbyigetis.” That said, I think it deserves some consideration, so I hope you will hear me out.

First, let me unpack the word.

Presby...

I am currently reading a fascinating book, Successful Aging by Daniel Levitin, who is a neuroscientist and so for many of us has instant credibility.  Just say the word “neuroscience” and people give you automatic rockstar status, mostly because we know the brain is important and yet most of us couldn’t name 5 parts of the human brain anatomy.

I can just see that as a question on Family Feud. Steve Harvey says to the contestant, “We surveyed 100 people and got their top answers to the following question; ‘Name a part of the human brain.’

Two answer boxes pop up. One theme is Cerebral Cortex with 98 people saying this structure. The other is Amygdala with 2 people naming that.  The reason these are the only two is that it is about as deep as most people can go, so when you say neuroscientist….well, I think I made my point.

In his book, Levitin has a section on perceptions and how they change as we age. He goes to great lengths to write about how, as we age, we can help our perceptions change for the better. One thing he argues is taking care of our physical bodies. Our 5 senses like seeing and touch, taste and smell, are critical to keeping intact because these are the inputs we have for creating perceptions in the first place. Levitin makes the case in his book that the most common of our senses to fail might actually be hearing (although seeing is probably right up there). The medical term for a loss of hearing is...

Presbycusis.

it literally means “old hearing.” Just like Presbyopia is “old seeing” and Presbyterian means “governed by elders.”  The ‘Presby’ comes from Greek and means “old.”

Now old is not necessarily bad. With age also comes things like experience and even wisdom. In the case of our hearing or our eyes what it means is that if we have presbycusis or presbyopia we will probably need some help in the form of hearing aids or glasses.

Presbyigetis

…igetis as derived from the Greek as well. It means leader. So when you put the Greek for old, Presby; with the Greek for leader…Presbyigetis, you get Old Leadership.  

We don’t have any physical fix, like a pair of glasses or hearing aids, we can stick on leaders to aid in their ability to lead. If someone invented that, sign up every human organization everywhere.

But we don’t.

What we do have are tools and assessments that can help leaders and followers get a better understanding of who they are. Things like personality traits (Myers Briggs, Predictive Index, Pearman, Disc, etc.) and assessments for emotional intelligence like EQi 2.0, and even MSCEIT. These are all good and insightful, but they have all been around 15 years or more.

Sure, something new comes to the market like the Enneagram and gets popular, but it turns out it is no better than a horoscope at giving valuable insight into who you are (All you Enneagram lovers, please no hate mail! I know you love your tool, but just because you love it doesn’t mean it is valid or reliable. You love it and I am good with that. What is it that PT Barnum said…”There is a sucker born every minute.”

It just doesn’t seem like we are getting any better at this leadership thing. Our country is more divided today than it has ever been. Our world is more divided today than it has ever been.

As I was doing some research for this article I came across a quote from a couple of researchers, Messick and Bazerman, from 1996…24 years ago. “Executives today work in a moral minefield. At any moment, a seemingly innocuous decision can explode and harm not only the decision-maker but also everyone in the neighborhood”.

I have to be honest, one action…seemingly innocuous…creating harm and havoc. 

3 Things to aid your Presbyigetis

1. Focus on and teach values-based leadership. Talk about it in the morning when you rise, at lunch when you eat, and in the evening as you go home. Know the values are for your company (and family) and talk about them. Challenge each other on them.  Be open with each other when you see values conflicting with each other.  Values naturally conflict with each other and we need to talk about how this impacts our cultures.  Firms are quick to talk about wanting things like “speed” and “quality” and “cost.” Most firms will have discussions and laborious meetings about the trade-offs realizing they can never have all 3. You can have speed and quality but not save money.  You can lower your cost but it will lower your quality.  You get the idea here.  How many discussions have we had around “valuing people” “making money” and “corporate brand” or even how do we nurture relationships with “employees”, “customers”, “suppliers”, “the street” when it comes to decision-making.  Really, all of these come down to what you really value. You can say you value this or that, but it is the actions of your organization that show what you really value.

2. Practice Impulse Control. Tension and stress and the speed of life are high these days. But they were high back in 1996 when Messick and Bazerman wrote their article. They where high back in 1964 and 1945 and 1921…Societies of people experience stress, the only thing that changes is the context.  Leaders who exhibit good impulse control have the ability to not yell and scream when they don’t get their own way.  Check your ego at the door, take a deep breath, and chill out. I can only imagine how important a decision or a conversation feels to you in the moment when you feel all the pressure. What if I told you that people saw you as intolerant, hot-headed, leap before you look, abusive, inability to maintain control, and tempestuous?  You might cringe. You might say “that’s old so and so, you know how he is.” Until it ISN”T and as the leader, you harm everyone in the neighborhood.  Practice some impulse control.

3. Get In Touch With Your Spiritual Side. If you do not believe you have a spirit then I have given you 2 things to work on above. You can stop reading now. This next point is just not for you.  For those of you who believe you have a spiritual side, it is time to invoke it. You have ignored it for too long. It is time to pull out whatever reference you use, for me, it’s The Bible, and read what it says then start practicing what you are reading. Most spiritual books call for things like love and mercy and grace and forgiveness. Notice that I did not ask you as a leader to pull out your policy manual or the “law” which prescribes justice.  Look where justice has taken us! Perhaps the biggest mistake we made as a society during the COVID crisis is paying for an extra streaming subscription instead of spending some time reflecting on what it really means to be human.

Do you suffer from Presbyigetis? If so spending some quiet time learning how to become a neaigetis, a new leader, might be just what the doctor ordered.

10 Things Great Teachers Might Say About Our Current Situation

I have to admit to you that I have really been conflicted during this current COVID 19 crisis. My conflict really pulls on me because of two very strong values that I hold:

1. Human Health

2. Maximizing Wealth

Many of you know that many years ago I chose a career change. Before entering the world of leadership development, I spent many years in healthcare. My undergraduate work was in pharmacy, and after passing the state boards in Illinois, I went to work for Family Drug Stores in Decatur, Illinois. I worked as a retail pharmacist and a Long Term Care consultant. I really enjoyed those days of listening to people and helping them use medicine to live healthy and productive lives. So, modern western medicine means a lot to me. It has shaped many of my core values.

These health care values really drive my paying attention to what medical experts have to say., such as listening to epidemiologists talk about how to “flatten the curve” for Coronavirus. I check the news every evening to get more information on both a vaccine against Coronavirus and a treatment for COVID 19. Actions such as social distancing and wearing a mask make total sense to me as ways we can help to save lives and not overburden our health care system.  All of these align with my value for proper societal health care.

All of this is in total conflict with another value of mine; maximization of wealth. 

I love it when people work hard and are rewarded for it. I celebrate people like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark Zuckerberg. They had an idea, took a risk, worked hard, and have made a pile of cash. Good for them. (I also have a strong value for giving back and I trust these three have done that the right way). Hard work and ingenuity are the engines of capitalism and I strongly applaud these. If you are working hard, have an idea, take a risk to implement your idea, then I will celebrate you too. Your wealth creation and generosity are two things that can really help you to live a meaningful life. 

Current Crisis

I think it is pretty easy for you to see the conflict I am feeling. Perhaps you share these values and are experiencing similar feelings. On the one hand, we have to be concerned about our health. We have to not only be self-referential but we have to care about those who might be at greater risk than we are. And this current health crisis has put 30 million people in the United States alone out of work. Many of them in the travel, entertainment, and food service industries which hit my hometown of Orlando really hard. 

Where do you turn when you have a values conflict? How do you resolve issues like the one I am experiencing?

My experience is that far too many of us turn to our emotions to guide what we are experiencing. The problem with this is that our emotions are meant more to be a thermometer than a thermostat. Emotion is to inform you so you can make a decision to act. We can get into a lot of trouble if we allow our emotions to have too much input into the decisions we make.

In addition to what I am thinking myself, I like to turn to others to see if there is anything I can learn from them to help me resolve my conflict. I have learned a lot from many of you who read this blog over the years, so turning to friends and colleagues is one place I seek information. 

From time to time I also like to turn to the great thinkers of the world to see if I can glean any wisdom from what they have written in the past. Not about Coronavirus, of course, but more in general about learning in crisis. 

With that, I present you with 10 quotes from some of the greatest teachers from philosophy, religion, and psychology. I thought it might be kind of interesting to get some 30,000 foot perspective on learning from crisis. 

It has struck me that all the misfortunes of men spring from the single cause that they are unable to stay quietly in one room. ~ Pascal

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The roots of education are bitter, but the fruit is sweet. ~ Aristotle

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The demand for certainty is one which is natural to man, but is nevertheless an intellectual vice. ~ Bertrand Russell

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Who among you can add one day to his life by worrying? ~ Jesus of Nazareth

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Those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it. ~ George Santayana

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Failure is instructive. The person who really thinks learns quite as much from his failures as his successes. ~ John Dewey

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The mind is the effect, not the cause. ~ Daniel Dennett

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To understand is to perceive patterns. ~ Isaiah Berlin

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Hope and fear cannot alter the season. ~ Chogyam Trungpa

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The greatest weapon against stress is our ability to choose one thought over another.
~ William James

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And if I might include one more (consider it a bonus) from a modern-day philosopher on investing and human behavior:

When forced to choose, I will not trade even a nights sleep for the chance of extra profits.
~ Warren Buffett

At the end of our current crisis, I think it might be the philosophers who have the most to say about the conflict in values I am experiencing.

Are you experiencing any similar conflicts? If so, let me know, I would love to hear more about your story.

You Need This More Than Toilet Paper During The COVID Crisis

The famous UCLA basketball coach, John Wooden, has been quoted as saying, “Whatever you do in life, surround yourself with smart people who will argue with you.”

What kind of impulse control does it take as a leader to not only surround yourself with smart people but to listen to them even when they don’t agree with you?

I think in life it would be so much easier to surround myself with smart people who think just like I do. Life would roll along and I would seemingly have a lot fewer problems. Except then as life rolls along, I would not get a very clear picture of reality.

 If I am honest, in many organizations I have the chance to study and observe the following:

• Hire really smart people

• Spend a lot of money training them on skills and the culture of the organization

• Then they tell them HOW they want things done, instead of WHAT it is they are to do

• When the person does not do exactly like the person in power mandates, we claim they are just a poor fit

• The employee comes to us with a different idea or a different perspective that flies in the face of what we think, and then that really smart person we hired initially, all of a sudden has become clueless.

• Then we ask this person to leave or we put them in a job where we don’t have to hear them nearly as often.

True wisdom is about managing your emotions so that you are able to listen more intently to understand where this smart person you hired is really coming from.

In no way am I advocating that you have to listen to these smart people and then automatically align yourself with their perspective so that everyone feels good.

No!

However, listening to other perspectives is a core component necessary to make wise decisions.

Wisdom In Leadership

I would argue, and have in many other writings, that wisdom is a central and yet often ignored element in leadership. Effective leadership behavior fundamentally depends upon a leader’s ability to solve complex social problems.

It is not hard to argue that the complexity that exists because of this global pandemic is causing massive social problems. You can find a list of those social issues in any newspaper or internet article since March 15, 2020. so I am not going to spend time listing them here. Some of them are quite serious and deal with actual issues of life and death. Others are much more trivial, such as my local Publix being consistently out of toilet paper when I go shopping. 

I am not much of a philosopher and do not have any formal training in the discipline. That stated I think history is going to really look back on this current crisis, along with our ability to solve some really complex social problems and ask, “Where was Wisdom?”

I know I am not the first to write it, but, toilet paper…please. If we can not figure out with our advanced supply chain knowledge how to get basic things like toilet paper, where are we really as a society?

As you contemplate this for yourself, do not fret nor feel too much shame. The question has really been asked since the beginning of time. All people whether ancient or civilized have wrestled with this idea of wisdom.

• The ancient Sumerians, whose writings served as the foundation of both Greek and Roman cultures asked this kind of question.

• Early Egyptian writings which were the precursors to the Hebrew writings that make up the Old Testament in the Bible lamented about wisdom.

• In the Old Testament, the most famous wisdom book might be the Book of Proverbs which laments; “Some people laugh about wise words. A person like that does not love someone saying, ‘You are doing wrong things’. (S)he will not go to wise people (Proverbs 15:12, Easy English Version).

• Of course, the ancient Greeks were known as lovers of wisdom:

• Socrates “…if he was the wisest person, it was because he did not think he knew that which he did not know."

• Plato. According to Plato scholars, he saw the true mark of wisdom as “the very character of the person as it was revealed by the person’s deliberate choices and dispositions"

• Aristotle saw the mark of wisdom as prudence; The very character of the person as revealed through individual choice and disposition.

• Saint Augustine was the first to blend the practical prudence of the ancients with the belief of and obedience to an all-powerful, all-knowing God.  Augustine argued we must vigorously desire wisdom to obtain it. He was passionate about the hope in the possibility of obtaining wisdom and that our desire for it must be found in faith in God.

• More modern-day researchers have defined wisdom as “a special kind of real-life process that is accomplished after a person cognitively makes an unusual integration, embodies his or her ideas through action, and hence brings forth positive effects to both self and others.”  

Wisdom Calls

As a leader during these difficult days, can you hear wisdom calling you? She is! (Most texts give wisdom a female persona).

Can you hear her? What is she saying to you as a leader in your organization? Are you taking the time to listen?

I love the imagery in the ancient book of Proverbs where Wisdom takes on human character and is seen in the street calling out, “How long, O simple ones, will you love being simple? How long will scoffers delight in their scoffing and fools hate knowledge?” (Proverbs 1:20-22).

The call to wisdom implies the capability to be able to implement right judgments in life. This wisdom calling has actually been studied for as long difficult decisions have existed.

It is my hope for you as you make difficult decisions during these days that you will indeed be wise. That you will listen to too advisors. That you will delay your impulses. That you will stop and think. That you will be compassionate and to not think of yourself as better than others.

I will be talking more about this idea of wisdom in my Facebook live event on Thursday of this week at noon eastern time. I hope you can join me. If not, there will be a recording available for you to watch when you have time.

In addition, I put together this tool to help you think about some core fundamental elements of wisdom. Feel free to download it. There is no cost. I hope it helps you in your organization and in your life to make wise decisions.

Every Leader Needs to Acknowledge This One Thing Right Now

I LOVE MY TEAM’S AMYGDALA!

Let me explain why...

These are for sure some crazy times we are living in. I just spoke to my neighbor, Bill, who is almost 80 years old at the mailbox. “I have never witnessed anything like this in my life,” Bill told me.

Then I called my mom, who is 83, and asked her, “Mom have you ever experienced anything like this in your life?”  “No, I do remember your Aunt Betty telling stories of when she was a baby (Aunt Betty would be 98 this year if she was still with us) of being quarantined with your Grandmother because she had developed a case of Scarlet Fever.”

So, unprecedented for sure. And full of emotion for all of us and the people we lead on our teams.

My daddy always told me there are 3 situations where I needed to be really careful when making decisions:

1. When I had been drinking. 

2. When I was in a heightened emotional state.

3. After a significant loss.

I think the first one is self-explanatory, except on occasion I will get a call from a client who has said something or done something or punched something when too much alcohol was involved. I have witnessed first hand at least 5 people lose good careers over too much wine or whiskey at a company dinner. 

Now, on the heightened emotional state, I am pretty sure this was a warning from my daddy about being with a girl. However, with the current state of affairs in our world, are we not in a heightened emotional state? Fear and panic have gripped our society. 

I was listening to a podcast of Dave Ramsey the other day. For those of you who do not know Dave, he is famous for helping people get out of debt so they can lead generous and giving lives.  A lady called in who was 67 years old, along with her 70 year old husband. They were frightened by the “crashing” of the stock market and sold everything they had invested. Please try to resist judging these souls. I am sure we all have opinions about if they should be in the market, or if they should have sold or not. Fine, you can have your opinion, but I was stunned by the emotion and lack of logical, rational thinking that had overcome them.

Fear and panic will cause all of us to do things we normally would not do.

Here is a short video where I explain, in very simple terms what happens in your brain when this is going on.

The final situation we leaders need to recognize are times of significant loss.  

In my younger days I used to do some counseling type work at the church we went to. Often times we would be called to provide support to someone who had just experienced the loss of a spouse or loved one.  In our training, we learned to listen to them and help them unpack their feelings. In addition, we were to encourage them to not make any significant decisions for about a year. People need time to grieve the loss and they need time to process what has happened to them. We tried to help them form a plan for moving forward day to day without making any big decisions that would be life-changing. 

You may know some people who have experienced a significant loss right now. Many of us know people who just 3 short weeks ago had vibrant careers but are now being laid off or furloughed. With that in mind, I wanted to give you some ideas to help you connect with the emotional moments we are all experiencing.

3 Strategies To Love Your Teams Amygdala

1. Find ways to reduce or eliminate unneeded stressors. You may have someone who needs to go comfort a spouse who just lost a job very unexpectedly, and your policy doesn’t allow for something like this.  It is time to put relationships and people ahead of policy. Or someone might be working from home and their internet speed isn’t high enough for quality HD video. This is not the time to call them out and create stress because of petty items. 

2. Choose leadership strategies that engage the Neo-Cortex. Remember the Amygdala is the strategic inflection point if good, creative, and reflective thinking is occurring, or if the person is going to be in Fight/Flight/Freeze mode. Here are some ways to help engage the thinking part of the brain:

   1. Tell Stories - Rather than give orders or lists for people to do, engage them in a story and remind them of how their task is helping the organization or the customer during times like this. Stories calm people down, help them think about the characters, and engages their personal creativity.

   2. Be Optimistic - Optimism is not pollyannaish, it is being hopeful for the future. We all know this virus is going to be short-term. In 10 years we will look back and likely be critical of many things we did in the moment. Help your team have hope for the future. We are all going to ride on airplanes again, and stay in hotels, and go on vacation again. Sure, there might be some short-term adjustments for all of us, but the future is bright for your company. You are in a storm right now, but storms do not last forever.

   3. Express Gratitude - At the beginning of every day let’s thank people for being on our team. And make it the last thing we do at night. Thank them for coming to work (even online). Tell them how important they are to the organization.  How much you appreciate them.  Gratitude that is real and heartfelt calms things down and helps people pull through tough times.

3. Give Them A Plan. A few years ago, my good friend and colleague, Dr. Tim Gardner, and I wrote a one-day training called: What You Know About Stress Is Killing You. (The title is meant to be cute and is not a typo). One of the most important things you can do as a leader right now is to sit down one on one (social distancing rules apply) and help them identify places they are stressed and to help them write a plan that would alleviate the stress.  Once it is written down, they can cognitively focus on what to do. Sure, it might feel a little directive, and it is!  If they are stressed and the amygdala is preventing clear thinking then a written plan to follow is just what the doctor would order.

It is my hope that these strategies might be useful to you. If you are a leader of leaders, why not sit down with your team and go over this list? Talk about how they can help their team perform under such trying and difficult times.  

If I can help, please do no hesitate to call or write.  If you think a workshop on emotional intelligence or stress would be helpful for your team, I would be happy to do this for you. We can do it online in a day or take an hour each day, whatever might work best for your team structure.

Best Hopes,

Scott

The Paradox Parable of the Called Leader

Once upon a time right around now, in an organization not far from here, sits Hero, the leader of the whole thing. She is not having a very good day, although both the quantitative and qualitative metrics upon which her performance are measured look good. No, let's not fool ourselves, the numbers are actually great. Hero is in her element. She loves her role and she is really good at it. She has found her niche in life. Some of the articles she read recently in Scholarly Organization Journal would say Hero has found her calling. 

By all accounts, Hero should be having a very good day. Indeed this should be a very, very good day. 

She has a late meeting with an influential member of the board of directors, Distance. Distance oversees the selection, compensation, and retention of the executive team. The relationship Hero has with Distance is a good one, even though Hero has never felt like the relationship was that close. In fact, Hero has only ever met with Distance in board meetings and on executive retreats. She was really looking forward to finally meeting one-on-one with Distance and aligning goals for the upcoming year.

Yes, it really, really should have been a good day. 

Hero, even started her morning with 15 minutes of quiet reflection using her favorite bible verse as the focus of her morning contemplation. She turned in her bible to Proverbs 3:5-6 which reads “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.”  Because of the complexity of her organization, Hero often finds herself turning to her spiritual connections for wisdom in decision-making.  Since she often feels the magnitude of hundreds of people whose lives are impacted by her decisions, connecting with her spiritual nature helps her to realize that she is not the center of the universe. Hero remembers attending a conference where she heard a speaker* say, "Humility is like a sock with a hole in it, it's realizing what is not there that really matters."

As Hero sat in quiet contemplation what really jumped out at her in this morning's reading was the instruction not to lean on her own understanding. This was quite a puzzling paradox. The instruction seems to say that Hero should not put her trust in or be supported by the structures of all that she had learned over the course of her 50 some odd years on earth. 

As Hero focused her attention on these words “lean not on your own understanding” her mind started to drift….

          I have always felt my business and my life are solid. My marriage of 30 years to Loveofmylife is rock solid. As for the workplace, I  have been complemented by Boardchair that I show excellent critical thinking and a strong ability to discern between very viable, but distinctly different options when a decision is needed.  My experiences have been formed from a very good academic pedigree that lead to an excellent job right out of school. Each opportunity I have been given in life seemed to build perfectly as a jumping off point for my next career opportunity.  I really can’t believe it, here I sit three years into this leadership role really trying to fully appreciate what I have accomplished…no that's not right, why do I always do that? It is what the team has accomplished. If it wasn’t for their hard work and dedication to the mission we would be nowhere. 

As she sat and stared at her journal where she keeps these reflective thoughts she got an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation for who she is and what she has been able to accomplish.

Then Hero remembered the words of her Coach who told her that when journaling, if her mind wanders, she should come back to the thought she was reflecting on, Lean not on your own understanding.  She even remembered proper meditation technique. A good day, are you kidding? 

Yes, this really should have been one of those.

Now time doesn’t allow us to tell you in any detail about the excellent workout that Hero had that morning, nor the healthy breakfast she enjoyed (perfectly balanced between carbs and proteins). We just really don’t have the space to discuss her commute to work where it seemed like she was the only person on the road, and not one car pulled in front of her to cut her off. Not one. When does that ever happen?

We wish there was time to tell you about all the productive meetings Hero had that day, the 20-minute nap she enjoyed in the afternoon, and the very productive afternoon session she had with her Coach. Time and space just don’t allow. Sorry. But all that aside...

Really and truly this should have been a perfect game of a day.

Oh yeah, Hero got in a 45 minute Hot Yoga class before her meeting with Distance. 

Good Day? Ha. 

And yet, to quote from one of Hero's favorite childhood books,

 “This is an awful, no good, very bad day.” 

You see, Hero had her late meeting with Distance, who told Hero her services were no longer needed by the organization. The board wanted to go a different direction. Sure there was certainly acknowledgment of all her positive results. Distance thanked her for all her effort. But in the end, the board decided they needed a new focus and direction (it is highly recommended, that if this was a real organization, who had a real board who made decisions like this, and who issued real stock; that you sell as fast as you can.)

Distance said the announcement would be made in 2 weeks and that they would like to throw a party for Hero. Yes, you read that right, the board fired Hero and wanted to celebrate it.  "Who does that? “Hero asked her Coach when she called to provide the update on her meeting with Distance, 

Indeed, this was not a good day. 

"But one day does not a life make. Nor does what happens on any single day ever define us. It can have an impact for sure, but is in no way a full picture of who we are". —Coach

Now if Coaches are good at one thing, they are good at asking the right question at the right time. They are not very good at providing quotes to be used in a blog post.

Hero’s Coach sat with her in silence as Hero contemplated this day that should have been so good and yet felt not that way at all.

“It's not if something bad might happen in your life but when." Those are the words Hero spoke that broke the silence that enveloped the coaching session (they are also words that will end up some day in a blog post, quoted by Coach.) “The real question to be answered is, How am I going to respond?”  Coach knew what Hero was saying, that leaders are often defined by their resilience in the face of setbacks. Having a positive optimistic long term outlook is what trust is all about.

And now you know why she is my Hero.

*This quote is from Dr. Jay Wood, author of Virtue Epistemology, taken from a lecture at Indiana Wesleyan University. Hero hopes she heard this as the speaker intended.

Have you ever been surprised by this?

This is my third and final post in a series on the emotion of surprise. If you missed the first two, you can click here to catch up.

To be surprised by something is to have your attention shifted from one sense of reality to another. 

In organizations, it is popular to say that feedback is a gift. I have even said it myself! And, it is true…feedback is a gift. Sometimes, however, that gift is not appreciated at the time.  Sometimes feedback is like a good stew, and it has to simmer with the rest of the ingredients in order for us to be able to appreciate the overall flavor.  It takes time.

If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know my favorite book on the subject of feedback, is one by Douglas Stone and Shelia Heen; Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well.

In their work, Doug and Shelia say feedback includes any information you get about yourself. It not only includes what gets ranked, but what gets thanked, commented on, and invited back or dropped. It can be formal, informal, direct, or implicit. It can be blunt or baroque (I had to look this word up if I am honest), totally obvious or so subtle you’re not sure what it is.

I think you can feel the complexity as Doug and Shelia unpack the idea a bit.

The other day my wife said to me from the kitchen, “Are you still in your office working?”  What do you mean am I still in my office working? Was my thought. Are you checking on me because you know how important this project is, or was that a passive-aggressive way to say stop working and come spend some time with me fixing dinner?  Are you excited about the project I am working on because you know how good it will be for the business, or are you sick of me spending so much time working and you want me to spend more time with you?

Now that is complex!

“Are you still in your office working?” Seven simple words. It could be she has just lost track of me and wants to know where I am. It could be that she has about had it with my “work ethic” and is going to make me choose between work and her.

She simply said the words, I am the one who is in the process of assigning the meaning to the words. 

Measuring the Tone of Feedback

I think feedback takes on this tenor. So many times we get feedback like, “Jerry takes a long time to get to the point.” This could mean I appreciate his level of detail, or he needs to be more concise. 

The deliverer of the feedback has an intention for sharing, the receiver of the feedback is impacted.  However, these two things, the intention and the impact, do not always come together.  

This is why feedback needs to be a conversation. It has to be reserved for those times when the intention of the deliverer and the impact it has on the receiver can be aligned.  If there is not time for the alignment, much like putting on a new set of tires on a car without balancing them, they might roll but the ride will be rough and you will not get as good of gas mileage as you would had you taken the time to align the tires from the start.

My Feedback Gift

At Christmas time every year, my mother-in-law gives my wife and me a card.  That is no surprise.

The cards are beautiful expressions of the season of Christmas and come complete with words from Hallmark where the important words are underlined and circled. In addition, there is a handwritten bible verse along with some personal expressions of love and gratitude.  These cards are priceless. I really cherish the thoughts and the sentiments that are shared.

The surprise this year is that in the card my mother-in-law did an acrostic of both mine and my wife’s names.  I know you know what an acrostic is, but just in case, it is where the first letter of each line spells out a specific word. 

In the card was our Names:

S

C

O

T

T

&

K

I

M

M

I

J

O

Then what she did was to put a word that described us next to each letter. Now I am not going to share what was written for each letter. But I am going to share two of the letters in my name. To me, they were very interesting because they represented feedback on how I show up.  Also interesting because in my mind some contrast is present.

C-Candid

T-Tolerant

Here is the thing about surprise, what did she mean when she put candid and tolerant together?

Candid, am I too forthright with my opinion? Usually, candid means truthful and straightforward, but it could also be hurtful if not accompanied by empathy.

Tolerant, am I too accepting of opinions I do not agree with? Or am I patient with people not like me?

Norma’s perspective of me is that I am both candid and tolerant.  This is just such good feedback.  I think what is needed is to sit down with her over a hot cup of tea and explore what she means by this so I can make sure I am showing up as intended….honest, caring, and compassionate.

Surprise: A Requirement for Getting Unstuck

Last week I wrote a bit on the emotion of surprise and the value that a professional coach can bring to an organization.

This week, I want to give you a specific example of how using the emotion of surprise can be a valuable tool to have in your tool belt as a coach. 

A Story

I am currently working with the most amazing individual. Super talented. Highly prized by the organization. Gifted with skills in finance. Gifted with people.  

There is just this one thing that is constantly nagging, pulling this leader down into the depths of almost despair. It is noticeable by me and by others I have interviewed in the organization.

This leader shows up in the dumps, a little bit like the fictional character Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh. Eeyore, who is famously known for saying things like, “It’s not much of a tail, but I’m sort of attached to it.”  My client would say, “I did the best I could with the time I had."

Eeyore: “If it is a good morning, which I doubt.”
My client: “I will have to wait until the end of the day to tell you if it was good or not.”

Eeyore: “Thanks for noticin’ me.”;
My client: “It was nothin.’”

 The conversations are always a bit on the negative side.  When we talked about this, the client’s reaction was “I’m just trying to be humble. I really don’t want to be seen as bragging, taking credit, or a know-it-all.”

Then came this, “Dr. Livingston, you are one of the smartest people I know, I hope you can help me with this.”  

The Surprise

"I understand your desire to be seen as humble,” I empathized, “it is really a noble character trait.”

“Although I have to say if you think I am one of the smartest people you know, you need to get out and meet more people. I know it feels to you like you have a sense of inferiority and you are positioning this as humility.”

Then I asked the surprising question, to try to help get the leader unstuck: What if this inferiority you are feeling is a facade that is really masking a deeper felt (sometimes unconscious) sense of superiority?

Long pause…..deafening silence….almost a full minute.

"What do you mean?” the client asked.

What if this Eeyore facade is really masking what you really feel, which is that you are pretty good. Is it possible you do not want to be seen as arrogant, so to guard against this you show up as what you are calling humble, but is actually experienced by others as inferiority.*

Long pause…More deafening silence….felt like an hour.

“I have never really thought about it that way before. I don’t know if you are right or not but it is interesting.”

Coaching goal accomplished.  

By bringing an element of surprise into the discussion, the client is now unstuck. Since a safe space had been created with the client, and an air of trust existed, the element of surprise was a great emotion to lean on.  

As an external coach, I don’t need to be right.  In my mind, it is not about being right or wrong, it is about helping the client to get unstuck and move.

Often times, the emotion of surprise is useful as it jars the client from what they are seeing or experiencing into a new reality.  

As an internal coach, consider cautiously using this technique, because of the need to have a longterm relationship. However, I do think it is possible to be used from time to time to help a person get a glimpse of a different reality.

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*The theory I was using here was not out of left field. While I didn’t need to be right, it is at least important to be grounded. According to Dr. Aqualus Gordon, "While not necessarily evidence of a full complex, examples of this inferiority dynamic are observable when we do things like:

• Reject praise we duly deserve.

• Fish for compliments via self-deprecation (e.g., humble-bragging).

• Or portray helplessness during situations in which we have power.

The client was rejecting praise and did show up as helpless when in complete control. So this was a risk worth taking in my mind to help the client get unstuck.

A Strategic Piece of Advice for When You Receive Critical Feedback

One of the most difficult things any of us can experience in our organizational life is to receive critical feedback.

So often we speak as if like feedback, we value feedback, we even welcome feedback.  I worked with a client a number of years ago who’s mantra was "We are a feedback-rich environment!"

But let's be honest, most of the time this desire for feedback is because we want validation that things are going really well. 

Do we have the same reactions however when the feedback we receive is more critical? Is there a best way to respond when you are given feedback that your performance is not up to standard or that your behaviors are not valued by others?

Misaligned Expectations

I had a client call me a few weeks ago and he was audibly frustrated when I answered the phone. We really didn’t even exchange any pleasantries like, "How are you doing?" to start our conversation.  He just dug right in…

“Scott, you would not believe my boss and what she just did! We have been working really hard all year to deliver on a really important project for one of our top internal customers.  The project has gone well overall, the client has been very pleased and there have been zero complaints, and we are even under budget. When I sat down to review the project as part of my performance review, my boss acknowledged my hard work and then said I would be getting an average performance rating. Average! I can tell you my performance was anything but average!”

 He said that he just sat there just stunned and ask himself, "How could anything on the project went any better? Average performance? What do you have to do to get a top performance recognition around here?”

He told me that he was so emotional that he couldn’t even hear anything else his boss was saying to him. All he wanted to know was WHY she felt this way. Was she paying attention at all? 

Receiving Feedback that Feels Critical

I think there are times in our corporate lives when we receive critical feedback that is not intended to be harmful but it sure feels like it is to us.  

I said to the young man on the phone, “It sounds to me like what your boss is saying is that your performance is like that of most people in the organization and that means that it is good enough that they want you to stick around for the near future.”

That went over like a ton of bricks.

“Scott, you have no idea how hard I worked, how many hours, what we did to make that project happen on time and under budget.”

“I am sure I don’t understand the details, but I am wondering if you are hearing the message your boss is trying to send. She is saying well done, but since you are expecting to hear 'excellent,' and you are not, what you are hearing is 'bad.'”   

Then I said, “Are you sure her message to you is BAD?”

I don’t think he heard my question because he was still so fired up that he said to me, “All I want to know is WHY she feels this way."

“That may be the wrong question,” I said,  “I think what you want to really know is HOW you could do better next time to get the rating you are expecting."

When we get feedback that feels critical in nature, our natural urge is to defend ourselves. We can’t help it, it is part of our hard-wiring. The goal as you work to develop yourself as a leader is to overcome these natural defense mechanisms and develop new response mechanisms so that you can learn and grow.

Your Experience

Have you ever experienced this? I mean, worked really hard on something, poured your life into it, thought you were doing really well, and then suddenly you are confronted with the feeling that what you are doing isn’t really good enough?

If you have been in an organization long enough you no doubt have experienced this type of misaligned expectation or critical feedback. The feedback may not be critical in the sense that it is mean or demeaning, just that what you are doing or working on has some room for improvement.

Strategic Advice

Here is what I want to encourage you to do when you feel like you are receiving Critical Feedback.

1. Step back and try and not take the criticism personally.

2. Take a deep breath and let go of the negative, defensive feeling.

3. Change your WHY to HOW. Focus on what your improvement needs to be rather than have your boss defend their position.

In the end, your supervisor feels how they feel, and there is probably little you can do in the moment to change his/her mind. The question is less about WHY they feel the way they do and more about WHAT you need to do differently and HOW you can make changes for the future.

A Vaccination for Leadership Failure

Who wants to fail as a leader? No one.

None of us wakes up in the morning and says, “Let me see how I can totally screw up the thing I am working on today."

And yet…Here is my story.

4 Things to Look for in Wise Counsel (2)

A number of years ago, I had been a fairly successful sales professional and tapped for a management development program. The company I worked for was growing like crazy. Most people spent less than 2 years in this program before they were tapped for their first management level job. I thought I had arrived! Look at me! Watch me climb! Nothing will stop my career! These were all thoughts I had at the time. I was on top of the world and it felt great.

My wife and I moved from my sales territory in Decatur, Illinois to the corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana. Our family consisted of my wife and I along with our 2-year-old son Zach, and a precious baby girl due in about 6 weeks. The plan was to be in Indianapolis for less than 2 years before our next move into my first management level job. So, I did what every person with a dream, a wife, and 2 young kids does….

I went out and bought a 2 seat sports car.

I rationalized it by telling myself, "Hey, we already own a minivan. No problem."

Fast forward 5 years later. That's right, my 2-year window for promotion had gone to 5! The company hit a tight spot. No one got promoted for 3 years beyond my 2-year window. And on top of the career slow down, my wife and I had another baby boy! We were now a family of 5, with a minivan and a second car that is a Mazda Rx 7.

Great car, yet totally not practical when my wife took the minivan to go shopping one Saturday and left me with the 3 kids and a couple of friends kids. Scott and 5 kids on a Saturday morning, normally not a problem, until Zach comes out holding his hand over his eye and blood dripping down having just been whacked on the head with a toy by one of the other kids.

Question: How do I get 5 kids and me in the Rx7 and to the hospital to get Zach stitched up?

The Lesson

There is an ancient Proverb that says “Before his downfall a man's heart is proud."

I will admit it. I was full of pride. Proud of my career. Proud of my family. Proud of how I had achieved.

What is the problem with pride? It blocks your vision of reality. As leaders, we puff ourselves up for everyone to see.

What are some things that feed our pride as leaders?

1. People come to you for decision making.

2. People look to you for safety (job security).

3. People look to you as an expert in your field.

4. People feel comfortable knowing you are there.

5. You make people feel they are important.

6. You give people a feeling of optimism.

7. You give people a sense of hope.

8. You are near the top of the food chain.

9. People seek your advice and counsel.

10. Your opinions are sought and considered.

The great writer CS Lewis says that the problem with your pride is that it is in competition with everyone else's pride. Pride at its very root is competitive. “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man,” according to Lewis.

More money. Bigger house. Better looking. Smarter. Prettier wife. More loving husband. Most successful kids. Harder worker. Coolest job.

The problem with pride is not the metric, but what we do with it. It is in our nature to compare. It is how we know where we are. The problem with pride is an inability to be content and a desire for control. It is a scarcity mentality that says “for me to be up in life, you must be down.”

This is a lie.

Great leaders find ways for everyone to be up.

What I have learned over the years is that when I begin feeling like this, full of pride, I better watch my next step.

The Vaccination

When things go wrong, we begin to think about treatment. Treatment is about fixing the problem. Vaccination, however, is about prevention.

Treatment in the medical world is meant to help you recover from something that has happened to you. A vaccination is meant to prevent the disease in the first place.

The second part of the Proverb I mentioned above states, “but humility comes before honor."

Being humble. Putting others ahead of your pride. Being modest in your opinion of yourself. Thinking of others as better than yourself is one way to overcome pride.

The question I have been asking myself is, are there any strategies for preventing pride in the first place?

How can you vaccinate yourself against pride that often accompanies Leadership?

Here is a shot in the arm that can help you prevent Leadership Pride. This might sting a little, but here comes the needle...

Seek Wise Counsel.

That didn’t hurt too bad, did it?

Looking back on my story, I really should have sought wise counsel about buying that car. Not only was it impractical, but the assumptions I used to frame my reality regarding my career and my family were askew. They just were not based in reality. Just because the business was in an up cycle didn’t mean it was going to stay that way forever. Some wise counsel at that time could have been just the vaccination the doctor would have prescribed to prevent me from making such a poor decision.

There is another Proverb that says “Without counsel plans are frustrated, but with many counselors, plans succeed."

As you are thinking about getting wise counsel in your life, what should you look for? Here are a few things I have found as I have researched the topic:

4 Things to Look for in Wise Counsel:

1. Experience. Why not ask someone who has been down the road what the path looks like?

2. Impulse Control. Look for someone who is not going to be swayed by your emotional rationale. You do not want someone who will agree with you all the time. You want another perspective on what reality looks like. A person who is patient enough to hear you out.

3. Courage. Having an ability to disagree with you is paramount to you being able to learn and grow.

4. Empathy. Someone who can see your perspective even if they do not agree. Empathy differs from sympathy in that the empathic person will ask the hard question when it is in your best interest. The sympathetic person will just agree with you in whatever state you are in.

So often in leader development, we screw up and look for a treatment remedy for what has happened. Why not look to prevent these potential failures in leadership by vaccinating yourself against tragedy? Seeking wise counsel may be one good shot in the arm for you as a leader.

Homework

Look for a leadership decision you have coming up. Seek out some wise counsel. Lay the topic out for those you are seeking input from, without bias or telling them your preferences. Consider what they say to you before you act.

One Way To Lead More Effectively

I think the idea of influence when it comes to leadership has become a really misunderstood idea. In organizations, we give a lot of weight to performance and getting things done.

How things get done, doesn’t really matter as much as that they get done….until the “how” does matter. This can create quite a confusing predicament for some leaders.

Often times I will get an email from an organization who will want me to coach someone who is really smart, really talented, and even seen as an expert in their field. The organization loves “what” the person does. And the “what” the person does is so good that the “how” they go about doing it is, to coin a phrase, pushed under a rug.

Everyone knows in the organization knows that “how” the leader goes about things is less than desirable…”But that’s just(insert whatever name you want here) Scott…You know how he is…We all just learn to work with him or work around him.”

In this post, I want to unpack this idea of influence a bit, but first, it is important you understand the event that gave me some real clarity.

In our family, we have a little dog whose name is Carlos.

We have had Carlos now for about 13 years. So for a dog, he is getting pretty old.

Carlos actually lost his sight a couple of years ago and is basically deaf as well. He is still pretty cute and gets around fairly well for an old guy. There are times when he does get a bit confused and gets a little lost in his own home.

That happened to Carlos the other day. He was sniffing around in our kitchen and as he was in search of any morsel that was dropped on the floor he made his way under the kitchen table.

Once he got under the table, with all the chairs around it he became confined in this maze. Every time he would turn and try and get out from underneath the table he would bump into a chair or table leg. Then he would back up a bit and try a different exit strategy only be foiled in his plan by yet another obstacle.

As I watched all this happen (don’t worry I didn’t let it go too long before I moved a chair and he found his way out), I got to thinking to myself…

If I had the problem Carlos had, what would my self-talk be like?

If I am honest I would be saying things like:

• Who put this stupid table here?

• Why didn’t somebody tell me if I went in here it would be hard to get out?

• How could you people all watch me struggle like this and not help me?

It was so easy for me to see myself blaming the kitchen table for my problems or shifting my issue to other people. The fact that I had this problem could not have anything to do with me at all.

Of course, the problem is totally mine!

My reality is that I am doing everything I can to get out of the table maze, the problem is that I can not see, that in fact, I am the problem!

I got myself into this mess and having the problem and the anxiety that goes along with it, I can not think of what the solution might be.

The anxiety I am feeling is causing me to not be able to think clearly.

Psychologists and people who work in leadership development have a name for this kind of thinking that does not reflect reality. It is called Self-Deception.

Self-Deception causes us to obscure the truth about ourselves which leads to all sorts of issues which ultimately undermines our ability to see and influence others. In the Emotional Intelligence world, we call this Reality Testing.

Leaders need the ability to assess the situation between what is experienced and what objectively exists.

The reality of the situation is if I put myself in Carlos’ shoes, that I am stuck and what objectively exists is that I don’t know how to get out. Self-Deception comes in as I try and shift the blame for how I got into this mess, and that I really need help getting out. Oh, how easy it is to blame; our coworkers, another department, a competitor, or even our poor mothers!

If we are going to lead more effectively we need to solve our Self-Deception crisis and really work on what it means to be a leader of influence.

Influence

I think in leadership circles, influence has really become misunderstood. What I mean is that we often see influence as “I got you to do what I want to be done”; ergo, I influenced you.

Well, the reality is that you think you have influenced me, and perhaps if you pay me enough money, or have enough power over me perhaps in some short-term thinking way you have. At least you have until I can find someone to pay me more money or I can find a way to get out from underneath your position of power.

True influence recognizes a couple of things. First that you as a leader have both performance AND people as part of the fruit that grows in your metaphorical leadership tree. One at the expense of the other is very short-term thinking.

If you are going to really influence others you have to get better at understanding their needs. It doesn’t matter how smart you are, and it doesn’t matter how hard you work. Frankly not too many people other than your mom really care. What they really need from you is to be heard by you. As you listen to the needs they have you are able to find ways to align your performance with what they need. I am not talking bout compromise here. In a compromise, both people lose something. No, I am advocating for how you as a leader can get done what you need to be done, while listening and helping others get what they need.

The only true way to influence others is to become empathic and really listen to what they need.

So how about it? Could you set aside your own needs for a moment, and work to understand what others might be needing.

I argue this is one way to really lead more effectively.

The One Thing To Remember in Giving and Receiving Feedback

I think one of the most difficult things to do in organizational life is to receive tough feedback.

Most of us go into our jobs wanting to be seen at best as a top performer and at the very least a valuable contributor to the organization.

So when someone sits you down to give you some feedback, how you receive this message can make a big difference as to the perception others will have of you.

Organizations spend lots of money on teaching managers and leaders how to give good feedback. Most “giving feedback” models include some type of framework that mandates at least 3 steps: (1) Provide context for the situation, (2) Give an assessment of a behavior, and (3) Declare the results of that behavior. The goal then is to enter into a conversation about what the person could do differently in that situation to get a different outcome. While there are probably some improvements to be made, the model in my estimation is directionally correct. It gets a conversation started, and is an attempt to help someone improve.

At the same time, there are some assumptions that get made inside of any feedback model that need to be addressed.

Case Study: Toni and Mia

Let’s consider a situation where Toni is Mia’s supervisor.  

Mia has been part of Toni’s team for about 8 months so Mia has had adequate time to observe how Toni is integrating her into the team. Mia has noticed that Toni is a bit more relationally distant from her than other members of the team, but she shrugs this off since Mia is still the newest team member.

Mia really loves the company and wishes she could say the same about working for Toni. She cannot pinpoint why she feels this way, but Toni seems to treat her differently from other team members. For example, Toni will often get into detailed conversations with other team members about hobbies or things going on in their personal lives, but everything with Mia seems to be about her projects at work. Flat out, Toni just spends more time with other members of the team. Maybe it is just a quantity of time thing, but the perception to Mia is that Toni just knows them better. One thing that Mia would say about herself is that she loves her work and others have even commented to her they wished they could care as deeply about their projects as Mia does.

The Feedback Process

As part of a routine organizational feedback process, Toni is tasked with gathering some feedback for each member of her team. For Mia, Toni will ask two or three team members what it is like to work with Mia. Simple, straightforward, open-ended, and as unbiased as possible on the part of Toni; just what is it like to work with Mia. Toni will then take her assessment of Mia’s performance and put it with the other feedback.

Once all of the data is collected Toni will develop one or two things that each person on her team could improve upon. The intention of the exercise is so that everyone is providing input and is able to make any behavioral course corrections if needed.

Toni’s Feedback for Mia

Toni’s challenge in preparing for her conversation with Mia became one of only focusing on two things. While she had some idea that Mia was struggling to integrate into the team she did not realize it was so evident to everyone else. Toni was grateful that the organization had a feedback model and even invested in a half-day of training to teach supervisors how to use it. She would need all that skill in her conversation with Mia.

The day came for the two to meet to discuss the feedback. Toni had decided on two talking points:

1. Grandstanding- People on the team thought that Mia was not sensitive to other projects the team had and that hers, by far, was the most important.

2. Constant Comparison-Toni had noticed in almost every conversation that Mia would compare how she was working on projects versus others on the team and this always came with how her way was better

Needless to say, when the two sat down the conversation did not go well. Even though Toni executed the feedback model with flawless accuracy she could tell Mia was both stunned by the feedback and hurt that people on the team actually felt this way. One of her comments to Toni was, “Who comes to work and tries to belittle others by doing these things. What is this 4th grade? Maybe folks around here are just a little too nice to each other and need to grow some thicker skin.” She finished the conversation with Toni by saying that the process needed to have a name change from Team Feedback to Shark Attack.

The one thing to remember in giving and receiving feedback

1. Recognize who is in the Power Seat. Most would assume, because of the power gradient that exists in organizations that the manager, in this case, Toni, is in the power seat. But studies actually show that it is the receiver of the feedback who is in control. The receiver gets to decide what is heard, what is reflected upon, and what ultimately will be acted upon. You may be saying, well yes, but if Mia doesn’t change her behavior she will get fired. And yes, this might be true, Toni is merely a messenger and Mia has the power to decide what her actions will be.

As the receiver of the feedback, realize your power position. Be as open as you can to what is being said. Ask good clarifying questions so you have all the information you need to decide if you are going to make any changes or not.

What do you think Mia and Toni could have done differently to get a better outcome? I’d love to hear your comments.