I Thought I Was Being Empathetic

I had a great conversation this morning with someone whose coaching I am supervising. It went something like this…

“I have a client who has a really hard time connecting with his boss. He feels like he listens to the questions the boss has, but that when he answers the question he doesn’t even get to the end of the answer before the boss interrupts with another question. Scott, I feel like I might be coaching the wrong person. I think the boss might need the coaching.”

While this might be true, the boss might need some coaching on being patient and listening, what I coached my supervisee around is that we really can’t do anything about the other person (in this case the boss). Our job as coaches is not to try and control everything in the equation. And certainly not to allow our clients to manipulate the situation by blaming others as a reason they can not develop. If the boss indeed is a bad listener, this does not have anything to do with the fact that the client we have in front of us still has work to do in learning to be more empathetic. 

Said another way, the bosses poor behavior is no excuse for our client refusing to look at themselves to learn and grow. 

3 Types of Empathy

A typical definition for the emotional skill of empathy that I use in my work in emotional intelligence is  "recognizing, understanding, and appreciating how other people feel Empathy involves being able to articulate your understanding of another’s perspective and behaving in a way that respects others’ feelings.”

This type of empathy is known in the literature as Empathetic Concern. There is a prosocial orientation with a leaning toward a compassionate behavior with others. The idea behind Empathetic Concern has concern for the thoughts and feelings of the other person while being able to articulate the other person’s perspective. There is no mandate to agree with the perspective, but the goal is understanding where they are coming from.

Empathetic Concern is very different from two other types of empathy that have been discussed in the literature; Empathetic Distress and Empathetic Perspective. Empathetic Distress is characterized by a reactive and negative feeling that are focused on the self and reactions to others. It often manifests itself as anxiety, worry, doubt, and discomfort. The concern in this type of empathy is more recognition of the other persons state of being while being focused on how it will affect the self (you/me). Empathetic Distress is self-referential concern. It is hearing that Joe just got laid off and being worried about how this will affect your workload, or even whether you are next! It has nothing to do with how the layoff is affecting Joe in the moment.

Empathetic Perspective is more about trying to cognitively connect with what the other person is experiencing. It is often seen as intellectualizing the other persons situation and trying to rationalize the experience. “Joe will be just fine. He is a talented guy. He got a nice severance. He will be working again in a month. He can actually enjoy some time off and connect with his family, something he has talked a lot about.” What always goes along with Empathetic Perspective taking is some sense of moral judgment. The person trying to do the empathizing becomes both judge and jury about the circumstance and Joe is never even called as a witness to see how he feels about being laid off. 

Back to the Story

With the context of these three types of empathy in mind, I want to return to my coaching supervisee. I challenged the young coach to go back to the client to try and discern which of the 3 types of empathy the person was actually using.  

The young coach interrupted me, “I don’t have to go back, I already think I know.” I let them convince me they were being empathetic because they were tying to intellectualize the bosses behavior rather than digging into what the boss actually meant with the initial question.  The young coach continued, “ I need to coach my client on digging into not what they heard the boss ask for, but instead strive to understand what the bosses intention is for asking the question. I feel like the work I have to do is to move my client from Empathetic Perspective to Empathetic Concern.”

“How might you do that?” I asked.

“The first thing I can think of is rather than my client responding to and answering the bosses question, would be to take a deep breath, be patient, then ask the boss, to say more about the initial question.”  

My work as the coaching supervisor was done. The young coach had articulated for themselves the development need and has all the tools to really help the client grow.

Personal Application

This has been a really tough week for me personally. My wife has not felt well this week and we have had to make some trips (actually every day this week) to the doctor’s office. 

When I get in what I call “driver” or problem-solver mode, I can feel myself shifting from Empathetic Concern to Empathetic Perspective. I can cognate what is going on in my wife’s body without expressing concern and compassion for what she Is experiencing. I don’t see myself as a tyrant, but I do need to become more aware to show more Empathetic Concern in the moment. 

How about you? Where do you fall on the spectrum of Empathetic Distress to Empathetic Perspective to Empathetic Concern?

I am sure it is contextual for you, as it is for me. The growth for all of us is likely to recognize those situations where you are not showing the Concern that other people deserve.

Can You Guess the 6 Attributes of an Emotionally Intelligent Coach?

Before you read this post, take 30 seconds and see if you can write down 6 attributes of what an emotionally intelligent coach might possess. Go ahead and write them down. Once you have committed to what you think, read on and see how closely you and I agree.

My Story

I had a very interesting conversation with a client the other day on the topic of coaching verses directing people on his team.

I really became curious about what makes up an emotionally intelligent coach a number of years ago when I wrote my first book Seven Secrets of an Emotionally Intelligent Coach. This idea recently came back to me as I was having a conversation with a friend of mine regarding some feedback he received from his team. The feedback came in the form of “You tell us what do do a lot. We know what to do. What we need from you is more direction on how we go about doing the tasks in certain situations.”

Here is a snippet of our conversation:

He said, “Scott, I really want to coach the people on my team but there are certain times and situations where I find just telling them what to do is easier.” 

"I really get this.” I empathized.  "There are times when it probably is easier and even the right thing to do. Telling is certainly easier. But is easier always the goal?”  

Ken Blanchard, in his Situational Leadership model, acknowledges this. He writes that if the development level of the individual you are working with is inexperienced and they don’t have a lot of knowledge on a subject, telling them what to do (directing)  is an appropriate strategy!

So, I asked my client, “How experienced are the people on your team?”  

Turns out that everyone on the team has been there for at least 3 years or more.  I think Blanchard would say that more than likely, as long as the task the person is doing is not new,  the people need something besides being directed! They know what to do, but they might need help with how to do it, especially if circumstances are unique.

Let’s make this practical.

A sales person with 3 years of experience should know how to prospect for new business. They don’t need direction on “what prospecting is.” Instead, what they may need from you as their leader is what prospecting might look like during times of customer ambiguity, like we are experiencing right now with COVID. How might they go about prospecting new customers when the customers are not sure what the next week will look like, let alone what the next 6 months will be?  

As a coach, you can help them develop a clear vision and strategy for this. Sure, it takes time. And it is not easy. But in the end, don’t you hire smart people? Why not take the time to coach them? Set clear expectations. See where they have questions. Then get out of the way and let them shine!

The Emotionally Intelligent Coach

What the people on a team need, as long as they have experience and knowledge, is coaching.

Coaching is how leaders support the growth of people on their team.

The main idea around coaching is helping other others become better than they thought even possible by understanding what they are experiencing and rising above it. Coaches set expectations about the performance of where the person is and where they need to be in the future. All of this is done with the maintenance of a mutually satisfying relationship. Coaches have a way of maintaining the relationship while stretching the person to grow. This stretching is often results in shifting the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs of the person to be more than they even thought possible themselves.

Self-Actualization

Self-Actualization is an emotional intelligence attribute that has to do with the coaches pursuit of meaning and their own growth and development. It is about you as the coach knowing what you want for yourself and your team. If you know what you want as a vision for your team, you can clearly define the expectations you have. If you don’t know what you want, in the immortal words of the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderland, “Any road will get you there.” Expectations of what the people on the team need to do have to be clear. Without setting clear expectations people will fill in the gap with what they think you as the leader want. Emotionally Intelligent Coaches have a clear line of sight for the vision they have for the team.

Emotional Self-Awareness

Emotional Self-Awareness is all about understanding your own emotions and realizing when they are starting to get the best of you. My friend in the story above knows he needs to coach, but when tension comes in or the world gets complex and he doesn’t quite understand things, we tend to default to safety. And for him, it just feels safe telling people what to do.  If a coach is aware when they are stressed or triggered, then they can start to learn to step back from this coach out of curiosity rather than fall victim to the stress of the moment and resort back to “tell mode.”

Empathy

Empathy is about understanding the other person’s perspective. Such as the age old adage of “walk a mile in their shoes.” I always add to this, true empathy is walking a mile in their shoes even if the shoes don’t fit. A good coach takes the time to understand what it is that the person is really experiencing. If they are having a hard time meeting the expectation, jump into the mirky water with them and understand what it is they are going through.  Not what your interpretation is of what they are going through, but actually what it is they are experiencing. You as the coach are not judging at this point. You are really observing and just trying to understand what the situation is that they are in. You cannot help them change their circumstance if you do not understand where they are currently.

Reality Testing

This attribute is often overlooked when it comes to coaching. The idea behind Reality Testing is being objective, not allowing emotion to cloud your picture of how things really are.  This attribute ties in well with Emotional Self-Awareness. Emotions have a way of clouding our decisions and our judgments. Reality Testing argues for understanding the impact that your emotions have on your ability to see things clearly and objectively. We all have certain biases that come into every decision we make. Many of these biases are implicit and we don’t even realize we have them or that they are entering into our processes.  My friend in the story above was trying to make his life easy by telling his team what to do. What happened was he lost his objectivity on what the goal for the team really is. My friend, due to the stress and complexity of his role, was losing his ability to be objective in the moment which hampered his ability to coach.

Interpersonal Relationships

This attribute often gets confused with friendship. You do not have to be friends with those on your team to have good interpersonal relationships. What you do have to have is a relationship that is mutually satisfying. There is nothing in the “rule book” that says you have to go out for beers after work in order to have a good relationship. This attribute of emotional intelligence argues simply that you get your emotional needs met from the relationship and they get from you what they need.  In the story above, the people on my friend’s team are not getting the emotional needs they have met. What they needed from their boss was to know that he has their backs. If the relationship is transactional and the needs are transactional, then it is mutually satisfying.  So, if I am in a grocery store and the person is helping me check out and they are friendly, that is what I need. They need me to smile back and pay my bill. Thats it; mutually satisfying.  At work, the relationships are often deeper and the needs are deeper. The coach has to get to know the emotional need of the people on the team in order to satisfy them.

Assertiveness

Finally, a coach must be able to be assertive. They need to have a clear understanding of their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs and be able to assert them in a non-threatening way. If the employee is not meeting expectations, then the coach has to be able to convey this clearly and without drama. If they are exceeding expectations, then communicate what you think and feel and believe about it.  To be assertive links to self-actualization. You have to know what you expect before you can ever assert what you think or believe. Assertiveness is always safe for the person being coached. There should not be anger or anything close to that level of emotion. There should be confidence and self-assurance, but not to the point the other person feels any threat.  It is vital to maintain a safe learning environment in coaching.

Final Thought

These are the 6 attributes of an emotionally intelligent coach. They are not set in stone as absolutes, but my hope is that they foster some discussion for you and the people on your leadership team.  

Why not ask at your next staff meeting what your team thinks are the 6 attributes of an emotionally intelligent coach like I did with you at the beginning of this post? See what kind of conversation you get started.

 If you want to know more about linking emotional intelligence and coaching, I would love to have a conversation. I have several clients who are considering doing some training with coaches on their teams around this idea. If you want to learn more, give me a shout out and we can set up a time to talk.

Are You Dealing Effectively With Emotional Exhaustion?

My wife and I are currently on a much needed and restorative vacation. We are spending time with our kids and grandkids and refreshing by emotionally disengaging from the business for a few days.

It is the idea of emotional disengagement that I want to challenge you with today.  When you take time away from your work, whether it is on your day off, or over a holiday, or perhaps a vacation or sabbatical, are you able to emotionally disengage?

I know some of you will be saying, "No way! I could never do that. I just can not emotionally disengage," there is:

• Too much going on with the new product launch

• There are performance reviews due the week I get back

• There is a significant shortfall in revenue and I need to have action steps in place

• Email. There is always email. It just never seems to stop.

• I will look weak or unprepared if I take my foot off the gas and drive the organization.

I have heard every reason leaders give as to why they have a hard time disengaging. Worse yet, at some point in my career, I have probably said them all too.

As I was journaling about this very topic, two things really stuck out to me:

First, I don’t think I realized how tired I was until I took some time off and really rested. Second, I am putting way too high of a value on my self-regard. I made so many excuses for why I was unable to emotionally disengage. I told myself:

• I am so important that the product won’t launch without me.

• I am the boss and people need to know my opinion of their work.

• Superman to the revenue rescue! I am the man who can turn it all around in one week!

• I might miss something or more likely someone will need my opinion.

• I can’t afford to look weak or unprepared.

While no one wants to admit when they need a dose of humility, a healthy check of mental restoration shows us that there is tension in this equation. I don’t know a leader who wants to look weak or unprepared, so rest assured I am not saying this. What I am saying is that if leaders do not actively disengage themselves from time to time they are at risk for becoming emotionally exhausted.

Emotional Exhaustion

Emotional exhaustion is the core factor in what is commonly referred to as burnout. This that state of having nothing left to give to others physically or emotionally to others. It leads to poor performance, low levels of commitment, and turnover.

According to work by Leiter and Maslach on emotional exhaustion, the first sign to watch for are feelings of being overextended. When you would normally leave work around 5 or 6, but find yourself still answering emails or taking work home with you. Being overextended can show itself in a number of ways, from poor prioritization to losing your “cool” and getting frustrated by things that are usually no big deal.

Now neuroscience kicks in.

Your reptilian brain senses your fear that you are not performing at your best. Then your need to survive kicks in. If I don’t keep going I will lose my job, you tell yourself in your thought life.

When you notice this kind of self-talk it is time to stop, take a deep breath, invoke feelings of empathy for others, and start asking questions. This process has been shown to slow down your survival-brain so that you can engage your thinking mind.  When you engage your thinking mind you will realize that this is not a time to work harder, but to take a break.

In my experience, leaders not only need to be on the lookout for themselves, but also for others in the organization. This same line of research shows that those most prone to burnout are often the most dedicated and committed to the organization, working too much, too long, and too intensely. Three factors are common with the type of person susceptible to burnout.  The individual may want to please others to the extent that he or she feels guilty when requested to give more time, has a strong need to help, and experiences boredom due to a routine job.

I am Experiencing Emotional Exhaustion…Now What?

According to Barari and Barari (2015), EI training has been found to be effective in leadership training and reducing burnout. Additionally, implementing employee intervention programs, like “What You Know About Stress Is Killing You,” which identify stressors and helps build a plan to buffer the effects of negative emotions caused by stress, have been found to be very effective in reducing some types of emotional exhaustion. Finally, because positive interpersonal relationships are absolutely vital in reducing both workplace stressors and employee turnover, ensuring that you lead a culture that values and supports friendships between coworkers is a must. Programs that promote healthy work-related relationships and team bonding are vital.

Remember, your knee-jerk, reptilian brain, emotional response to exhaustion is to power through it. Science says the opposite. These unique times we are living in may make it difficult for some to grab a cup of coffee with a friend, but make it your goal this week to schedule a phone call, or better yet, a Facetime or Zoom. Purely for the benefit of connection and enjoyment. Notice how it affects your stress level.

Or better yet, why not schedule that vacation you have been dreaming of taking?

Homework: Why not identify some stressors that you are feeling and talk with a coach or mentor about some things you might do to relieve the stress and some of the emotional exhaustion you are feeling. The other thing I recommend is that you schedule a vacation, and this time try to disengage for 4 or 5 days in a row.
 

Do This and You Will Never Work a Day in Your Life

The last 2 days have been really fun!

Every month I lead an Emotional Intelligence Certification course. The folks who sign up for this course do some pre-work reading, then spend two days with me learning how to interpret and provide feedback using an emotional intelligence assessment. This 2-day class is a very full two days! We start at 9 am and finish at 4 pm both days, and there is some homework in the evening for the participants. In total, probably 12 hours of class time in two days. 

Normally if I spent twelve hours teaching over 2 days, I would be exhausted both mentally and physically.

In addition to spending 6 hours each day certifying people, later in the evening, I led coaching supervision for 2 classes I am teaching for Concordia University in Irvine, California. These supervisions occur with 6 to 8 students and run 2 hours each. There is an intense amount of listening and instructing that goes on in these sessions, to the point that after I lead a supervision course I am usually exhausted.

As I have been reflecting this morning on the certification and supervision classes that just finished, I realized something. I am far from exhausted; in fact, I am energized. 

That caused me to begin to get curious around why.  Why is it after a very intense week of human interaction using video technology I am really full of energy?

What I came up with is not rocket science, and I can assure you there is likely nothing on this list that is a revelation for you:

My List

1. Exercise. My wife and I worked out by either going for a long bike ride or doing our Orange Theory workouts 5 out of 7 days this week. There is something about my workout that gives me energy and life. I don’t always love doing it, but I am coming to realize that I don’t like how I feel when I am not exercising regularly more than I dislike the actual exercise. So, for me, working out is a part of what I do for energy.

2. Diet. Small meals more frequently was the theme of this week. No junk food. Mostly fruits, vegetables, fish, and nuts. When I eat healthily I just feel better than when I eat a bunch of stuff that is processed. I have more energy when I am consistent with my diet.

3. Sleep. 8 hours every night this week. I am actually really focused on this. I am a believer that this one might be more important than the first two on my list. Mathew Walker, in his book, Why We Sleep,  convinced me that we have work policies about smoking, substance abuse, ethical behavior, injury and safety, and disease prevention, but insufficient sleep, another harmful and potentially deadly factor, is commonly tolerated and even encouraged. Too many leaders, according to Walker, mistakenly believe that time-on-task equates to task completion and productivity. This insanity (my words not Walkers) can cost upwards of $54M annually according to a recent study done across four large US firms.

4. Fun. A 2016 study by Barbara Plester and Ann Hutchison explored the relationship between fun and workplace engagement what they found was that workplace fun offered employees a refreshing break and created a positive feeling for the person about their work. If it was fun, they were more engaged in the work. It is what researchers for years now have called “flow.” While it was for sure a long day of “work” for me, what I reflected on was that I was in flow, and it was really fun. 

5. Sabbath. This is an interesting word I think that might not be familiar to all who read this post. Many will see this word and immediately run from it as some kind of religious icon. I don’t see Sabbath that way. The origin of the meaning of the word Sabbath likely comes from the Abrahamic traditions and is associated with the biblical creation story where God creates all of the physical world we experience in 6 days, then on the 7th day He is said to rest. Because of the origin of this story, some will reject the idea out of hand. Others will make it an idol and will worship the day and miss the point entirely. To me, the Sabbath is an experience where I rest and live my life differently from how I live it the other 6 days of the week. I set it apart and rest in it. For me, it includes worship and meditation. It might include a different form of exercise, or cooking a meal I wouldn’t normally cook. It is not a set of rules or do’s and don’ts but it is an idea where the day is different. I really like what Dallas Willard is quoted as saying, “If you don’t come apart for a while, you will come apart after a while.”  I took Sabbath last week.

So, that is my list. Nothing earth-shattering, but I think the difference this week is that I did it! I didn’t just think about doing it. I didn’t just have the head knowledge that it should be done. I actually DID these things.

As a leader, I suspect there is nothing new under the sun you need to do to “never work a day in your life.'“ But there might be something you need to experience that you already know.

By the way, I am going on vacation next week. Which is another form of Sabbath for me!!!

I will still have a post but will write it in advance so I can really detach and rest. Now as my good friend Mike Risinger says about vacation…"detaching and resting”…now that sounds like fun!!

Have a safe and happy 4th of July. Get some rest!

The Battle Rages Between Impulse Control and Rationalization

So I am flying home from Chattanooga last night after working with one of my favorite clients. It was a good day of coaching, working with this firm to help grow their leaders for the next level of leadership.

I got to the airport around 5:15 for my 6:08 flight to Charlotte, then home to Orlando, arriving around 10:45pm.  Everything was on time and I was really relaxed and feeling great. A little hungry, but since I had about 90 minutes in Charlotte (CLT), my plan was to stop and grab a salad in the terminal. I have really been focused on staying healthy since Christmas and the diet and exercise plan really seemed to be working for me.  As I was reflecting on this plan, I received an alert over my phone…

Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 6:35pm.  No problem, still time to grab a salad and make it to my gate on time.

About 10 minutes later, another alert: Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 7:04pm. My timeline for having a relaxing salad in CLT was shrinking as I was down to about 40 minutes to connect to my Orlando flight. 

I can still do it. I might have to grab the salad and eat on the plane but this night would not be the first when I would have to do that.  

It was interesting, I could feel the tension mounting and the stress increasing as my timeline slowly slipped away. About 10 minutes later a flash came across my phone:

Delayed flight to CLT now departing at 7:25pm.

Well, I just missed my flight to Orlando. I knew there was another flight after mine and I have pretty good status on the airline I was flying so I was sure they would rebook me. 

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself at the time. It is funny how  I had gone from this happy, self-actualized human being to anxious and self-centered in under an hour. Just because a circumstance that I could not control had changed.

So, realizing that I was not going to get my salad in CLT, I walked over to the little cafe in the Chattanooga airport, pulled myself up to the bar and asked for a menu. Here is the conversation that ensued:

Bartender: “Want anything to drink?”

Me: “No, I am really trying to limit my alcohol, especially during the week…”

Long pause

Me: “but since my flight is delayed, I will have a beer.”

Bartender: “16 or 22 ounce?”

Me: “16…No, make it a 22, what the heck! Who knows how long I will be here.”

Bartender: “Sounds good, now what do you want to eat?”

Me: “I will have the Chicken Club with Extra Bacon”

Bartender: “You want a side with that? You can have a salad, fruit, or kettle chips.”

Do I really have to tell you what I said in response to his question?

What Happened

As I was reflecting on what happened during that very short amount of time it really hit me: My emotions got the best of me.

I started feeling really sorry for myself. I was feeling lonely and anxious and disappointed all at the same time. Lonely because I was going to miss seeing my wife who would be long asleep by the time I got home. Anxious because I was not confident my flight was actually going to leave Chattanooga at all that night. Disappointed because I had intended to make a great, healthy choice for dinner.

Then, while sitting at the bar, as these emotions took their effect on me, I lost my Impulse Control. 

Oscar Wilde wrote in Lady Windermere’s Fan, “I can resist everything except temptation.”

Impulse Control is an ability to delay or resist an impulse or temptation to act. It entails avoiding rash behaviors and being compromised in decision making. People who display Impulse Control are self-aware when they are frustrated, lonely, anxious, or disappointed. Those with Impulse Control can delay gratification and are not slave to the emotions that stimulate poor decisions.

Grace is realizing that humans make mistakes, forgiving themselves, and getting back to the habits they know are in their best interest.

Of course, I had the kettle chips for my side. 

The next night, Kim fixed a very healthy salmon salad for us and all is again well with the world. 

My Take-A-Way

Even though I coach and teach emotional intelligence, I still have these moments, especially when I am feeling lonely and disappointed, where I act out of my norm and display lower impulse control than I normally would have. The point is to find these emotional tensions and to recognize them as triggers so that the next time I have a flight delayed (not if I have a flight delayed, but when it happens, because it will happen again) and I am feeling lonely and disappointed that I recognize this. I need to pick up the phone and call my wife and talk to her so I don’t feel lonely. Realizing I am still going to get home safely and not to be so disappointed, it is only a matter of timing and an hour or two at most.  

If I can show Impulse Control in the moment, then I can delay my gratification.  Not so that I will never have a Chicken Club with extra Bacon, Kettle Chips, and a beer, but that I choose when I am going to have these things and that they are not a default pleasure for me.  

These default pleasures rarely if ever really satisfy.  It is better to plan and anticipate to enjoy the things you like rather than use them to cover some emotional wound that really isn’t that bad to begin with.

I also think it is really important when we notice these things, that we forgive ourselves and rather than beat ourselves up or throw in the towel or have a bunch of shame around it, we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, forgive ourselves, and put a plan in place so when it happens again we are ready to have better Impulse Control.

Why emphasize emotional intelligence?

I have been on vacation this last week taking some time for personal reflection and rest. Here are a couple photos from my time in France with my wife, Kim, and some dear friends of ours:

While on vacation, I spent time reflecting on my business over the past 5 years; what has gone well and what needs improved. I also spent some time expressing gratitude for those partners who have trusted me to work in their organizations; serving, coaching, and developing leaders at many levels.

Another area of reflection was actually sparked by a question I was asked recently by one of my students in an executive coaching course I teach:

“Dr Livingston, why do you put so much emphasis on using emotional intelligence in your coaching practice?”

This question lingered with me while on vacation so I allowed myself some time to think more deeply about my answer.

Here are four of the top reasons I emphasize Ei in my coaching practice:

1. Because developing leaders always has three interesting aspects:

   1. The culture they work in

   2. The person they are

   3. The change they desire to make.  
      
      In all three of these aspects, recognition of the impact that emotion has on performance is critical. Leaders often receive feedback on what they are doing well or not so well, but have a difficult time understanding the emotion that is driving their behavior.
      
      

2. Emotional Intelligence has become a fashionable and accepted method to work on things that would otherwise be very difficult. Who likes being told they are seen as rude in certain situations? No one. But to study the results of an Emotional Intelligence self-assessment where the leader sees they are low in empathy can open the door for behavioral changes to occur.
   
   

3. Receiving valid and reliable feedback on Emotional Intelligence is simple and cost effective. For under $100, in less than an hour, a client can receive a self-report of their Emotional Intelligence to provide a framework for their personal and professional development.
   
   

4. Getting certified in a valid and reliable tool to measure emotional intelligence has become easy and cost effective. In 2 days (not counting about 6 hours of pre-work and a post exam) and for under $2500, leaders of all types can become certified themselves in emotional intelligence.

One of the things I have had the pleasure of doing over the last few years is certifying lots of different types of leaders on an emotional intelligence assessment (EQi 2.0 published by Multi Health Systems).  Here are just a few of the types of folks who have taken the time to get certified in the EQi 2.0:

1. HR professionals
   Leaders who want to better understand the emotional intelligence model when a consultant uses such a tool in coaching organizational leaders. Some of these HR professionals are also doing some leader development using the tool in their own organizations.

2. Executive Coaches
   People who are directly involved in leadership development and need a valid and reliable tool to support other types of feedback, such as a 360 interview, or even just to gain better insight into the emotional makeup of their client.

3. Organizational Managers
   These leaders want to better understand the tools that drive organizational performance from a human perspective. The augmentation of individual development plans for those in their reporting structures is one very practical use.

4. Pastors and Ministry Leaders
   These leaders often serve in counseling capacities or in the development of staff. The EI tool gives strong data for individual or team development at a very affordable price, depending on the report selected.

5. Training and Development professionals
   These professionals are seeing the value of integrating emotional intelligence into behavior based training. Certification allows them to better understand the inner workings of an EI model and to work more closely with consultants who specialize in this work.

If you or someone in your organization is interested in becoming certified, please respond to this email and let me know. We offer certification classes every other month or so, with our next one being in June. I am happy to jump on a quick call and answer any questions you may have on becoming certified.

For more information on our Ei certifications, click here.

Do You Have Enough Relational Empathy?

Last week’s blog post was really cathartic for me. I wrote a reflection on 2018 from the work I had done with clients and the kinds of big picture things I was noticing. If you haven’t seen it yet you can take a look here.

One of the things I have been observing is how important relational empathy is becoming in organizations.

Clarifying Question

After that post, I got an email from a reader that pushed back on the idea of needing more relational empathy. The point this person was making was that they had a job to do, and it was their job to “stay in their lane” and represent sales. That if marketing had a problem, well, that was up to them to solve.

I have to admit, I used to think this way as well. When our organizations were silos of departments and functional expertise was valued over anything else, this “stay in your lane” mentality ruled.

But I would argue that our world is changing too fast to keep this line of thinking. 

I am finishing a book now by Pulitzer Prize winning author, Thomas Friedman, titled Thank You For Being Late. Friedman spends a lot of time unpacking the idea of Moore’s Law, which is really more of an observation from the technology world-the expectation that the power of microchips would double roughly every two years-giving exponential growth to computing power. 

The silo organization is dead. Individuals working in teams is the only way to achieve success.

Last week in my blog I wrote this about Relational Empathy:

I don’t know if this is a symptom of our political climate or not, but people have become so polar. They have an idea or a framework for how the world should be and they stick to it no matter how silly it makes them look. Maybe this is a natural outcome of divisions of labor, where those trained in finance wear finance glasses and only see the world through finance. Or, how those who are trained and educated in marketing only see the world through a marketing lens.  As leaders we seem to have lost the skill of trying to understand where the other person is coming from, and, even more important, what it is like to be them. We are so concerned with our own selfish ambition and desires that we have lost sight of the perspective of other ways of seeing and doing.

Relational

Let me unpack the relational part of this concept. 

Maureen O’Hara from the Center for Studies of the Person writes of two distinct frameworks for thinking about the self. There is the Western view that sees the self as ego-centric. This is an individualistic, self-centered perspective. 

There is also a pre-European (i.e. India or Mexico) view that sees the self as socio-centric. The person is seen as participating in the world around them.

O’Hara gives a great example by observing the family.

Those from the West, when they speak of family, will often say that they “have a family”. Note the possessiveness.

Those from the pre-European perspective say that they “belong to a family.” Notice the inclusiveness.

Most of the readers of this blog are from a Western perspective of the self. So, when it comes to relationships, we think in terms of possessing or “having friends” as opposed to “belonging to” a friend group.

To be relational, leaders need to have the ability to establish and maintain mutually satisfying relationships that have both “give” and “take” where compassion and trust are expressed in both word and deed.

Empathy

According to American psychologist Carl Rogers, "The state of empathy or being empathetic is to perceive the internal from of reference of another with accuracy, and with the emotional components and meaning which pertain thereto, as if one were the other person, but without ever losing the “as if” condition.” 

This means that as a leader you are aware of and sense the emotion (disappointment, hurt, rejection) of someone on your team AND you perceive this emotion just like they do without losing the awareness that it is “AS IF” you were disappointed, hurt, or rejected. This is what differentiates empathy and sympathy.

Relational Empathy

Relational empathy is about establishing and maintaining mutually satisfying relationships “AS IF” you were the other person.  One of the best examples of a leader having relational empathy that I have seen in a long time is in a book by Ben Horowitz titled The Hard Thing About Hard Things. The story is on page 47 if you get a copy of the book. 

Allow me to paraphrase:

Ben is the CEO of a tech company in Silicon Valley and had bought a small technology company in North Carolina, Tangram. During the deal, the CEO of Tangram, John, started experiencing headaches. In addition, as part of the purchase, John would not be joining Ben’s company. Turns out, John had brain cancer and since he was not joining the new company would not have health insurance, as it was ruled a pre-existing condition. Ben did not owe John anything and the cost to the company for COBRA was over $200,000. Ben’s company was in no financial shape to be merciful. Bottom line, this was not Ben’s problem.

Ben’s company was in a fight for its life, but then, Ben realized, so was John.

So Ben decided to pay for John’s health cost. “We will find the money elsewhere in the budget,” he said.

John died 15 months later.

Ben reflects, “I guess I did it because i knew what desperation felt like.”

Now that is relational empathy!

Who Would You Call in the Middle of the Night If You Were Sick or Afraid?

It is my experience over many years of working with leaders that they do not like to think about topics that could be perceived as weak or powerless.

There is often a pervasive air of self-confidence and self-assurance that is required to lead others. Any crack in this proverbial leadership armor can be viewed as having an inability to lead.

Back in the 1940’s, several researchers independently described the relationship between personality and leadership behavior. One of the factors they noted was that individuals who scored highly on a factor known as neuroticism, or emotional instability, were not as effective at making good decisions or having the confidence needed to build strong relationships. 

On one end of the neuroticism leadership personality dimension are leaders who are very temperamental. They are flippant in the expression of emotion, often not caring at all how they come across to others. Theses leaders see ordinary situations as threatening and even the smallest of irritations can set them off.

The other end of this spectrum are leaders who have emotional stability. They have a higher tolerance for stressful situations. Most things simply do not bother them, and if something does get under their skin they do not hold the frustration for long. Leaders who rate low on neuroticism are very optimistic in the face of setbacks and have a high level of hope for the future. 

Leaders who score low on neuroticism are what we call in today’s positive psychology terminology, happy.  Happiness, in the emotional intelligence world, is known as well-being.

My Story

I was walking through the Denver airport today waiting on a flight back to Orlando. I have about an hour before boarding the plane so I decided to take a walk around the terminal to get a little exercise and stretch my legs. As I was walking I noticed a little book store.

Since I am such a sucker for books (I actually have to put myself on a book budget as I could become book poor very quickly) I walked into the store telling myself I would just browse while I wait for my flight.

As I walked around, the book rack below was directly in my path. At first I did not pay any attention to the rack, but then something caught my eye. There was a mini-series from HBR press on emotional intelligence. I am a bit shocked that the shelf is relatively full with  titles such as What Makes An Effective Executive by Peter Drucker, and the HBR business classic, Managing Oneself, based on the HBR best selling article.

The one title that is not full is the little book in the HBR series on emotional intelligence called Happiness.

Could it be that leaders are clamoring to figure out what it means to be happy? Could it be that they are wondering things like “What am I really doing with my life? What meaning or purpose am I deriving from my work?”  

Questions like these are profound and impactful, yet they are not often thought about by those in leadership.

Perhaps one of the reasons the book shelf I ran into only had one copy of the book on happiness is because leaders are starting to become more curious about what happiness really means for them.

Something For You To Think About

According to Revue Bar-On, the father of the most popular model for trait emotional intelligence, one of the factors that impacts our ability as humans to be happy is our interpersonal relationships. 

It goes without saying that leadership cannot exist without strong relationships.

A leader who has mutually satisfying relationships is able to get things done with other people by establishing trust and gaining commitments.  The ability to maintain a strong rapport with others is both motivating and inspirational, which allows others to work hard and maintain a desire to meet challenging goals. 

Leaders who are effective have an ability to maintain mutually satisfying relationships in both good times and not so good times. 

The best leaders I observe have an ability to build these relationships with all kinds of people, even the most difficult. Regardless of how the leader feels personally about the person, really effective leaders are able to put differences aside and navigate the political landscape of any organization.

Great leaders can navigate any relational complexity to get things done.

How are you doing?

The leadership question I’d like you to reflect on this week is how are your interpersonal relationships?

Are your relationships allowing you to maximize your happiness, or are they holding you back?

Are your relationships mutually satisfying, meaning those you are in contact with feel they get as much out of the relationship as you do?

I want to affirm you as a leader today. Go out there and build the relationships you need to lead.

Are You Emotionally Agile?

Change is really hard!

I am experiencing this reality for myself and it is tough. Here is a bit of what change is looking like in my leadership development practice.

Let me start by writing that I am blessed beyond measure to work personally with many of you who read this post every week. You are so patient with me as I lament stories and try and apply good leadership theory to practice. I count it a real privilege to be invited into, what I consider to be, the sacred space of helping you develop into the leader you want to be.

This is a blessing I do not take lightly or for granted.

My Change Story

My leadership development work seems like it is changing. The feeling is palpable for me. For the last eight or nine years, I would say that 50% of my work has been in some aspect of training leaders in the area of emotional intelligence in live workshop formats. The other half of the work has been focused on one-on-one coaching to develop leaders using multi-rater feedback or as a thinking partner. For solo practitioners such as myself, this is a fairly common mix.

What has driven this 50/50 mix has been based primarily upon the work that my clients have had available. And as I have been in discussion with most of my clients around what 2019 is going to bring there is a lot of ambiguity, which is not at all comforting. For anyone! Not for me, nor for the clients that I serve.

This change is really hard. Any change that feels like you are losing something is what psychologists call Ambiguous Loss. According to Pauline Boss, author of Ambiguous Loss, “those confronted with such ambiguous loss fluctuate between hope and hopelessness. Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it impossible for people to move on with their lives.” However what I am experiencing in my own personal change is that all is not lost.

And I think this is true for most of us. We need to see the hope that change can bring.

Emotional Agility

So, as I have been thinking about these changes over the past few weeks a range of feelings have swept over me.

Being emotionally agile starts with recognition of this range.

Here is what I experienced:

1) Rejection. My first thought was to ignore or dismiss the change, to pretend it was not real and to just sit back and see what would happen. This idea of rejecting reality is like being frozen in time. If I do nothing and just sit here, then maybe things will go back to the way they were in the past.  

The emotional intelligence competency to pay attention to is Reality Testing. This emotional competency challenges us, as leaders, to remain objective by seeing things as they really are. This challenges leaders to recognize when emotions or personal bias can cause one to be less than objective.

As I have been thinking through my current situation, to reject the change is to not see it as really happening, I realized this first stage is not serving me as a leader at all.

Time to move on…

2) Understanding. This step in becoming emotionally agile is really about intellectualizing that the change is happening and trying to understand the reason behind all of the change dynamics. Folks who are in this phase of emotional agility thirst for information like a heat-seeking missile. The fallacy in this phase is that if I just have more information and understand the change better then it will all be ok. Those stuck in this phase may feel a sense of false security as they gain information, but are not doing anything with it. The information is intellectualized but the receiver of the change stays right where they are, not doing anything with the information they have learned.

The emotional intelligence competency to pay attention to is Problem Solving. This emotional competency challenges leaders to find solutions to problems where emotions are involved. Notice that the skill here is to find the solution, not to sit and think about the problem or to make sure you understand all of the inputs into the change progress. The capacity of problem solving is to understand how emotions impact decision making and then move toward a solution for the problem.

3) Moving. This step in becoming emotionally agile is about finding clarity in the change you are experiencing and trying something new. I think clarity is huge in this stage. It is so hard to move toward something that is not clear to you. The other day I went for a run in the rain and for the first few miles it was great. Then I hit such a downpour that I could not see even a few feet in front of me. I had to slow down to a walk because the path was not clear. The same becomes true for those of us who are ready to move to a new reality. We have to have some clarity of vision so that we feel safe moving forward.

The emotional intelligence competency to pay attention to here is Optimism. This emotional competency challenges leaders to keep a positive outlook on life. The main idea is to remain hopeful and resilient despite the occasional setbacks experienced during change. Optimism becomes critical because of the ambiguity during change. We are going to have setbacks that we didn’t experience in our old reality. For me, business just kept rolling in from my clients year after year. That is now changing, so I am going to have to change with it and there will be setbacks along the way. The goal is to remain optimistic for the future.

4) Integration. The final step in becoming emotionally agile is to make the change a part of you. To accept the change, revise your beliefs and assumptions that you make about how you will proceed moving forward. Difficult change really is not about the choices you have in front of you. It is more about your values and how you want them expressed in the new reality.

The emotional intelligence competency to pay attention to here is Self-Regard. The idea here is to keep your self-respect while understanding your strengths and weaknesses. As the change is happening, you are still the same gifted and talented person you were prior to the change. It is really fundamental to come to grips with the idea that while your circumstance has changed, your giftedness has not.

Homework

I have realized these four steps in my own life about becoming more emotionally agile. How about you? What is your experience? Could focusing on emotional intelligence help you or your organization become more agile with the change you are experiencing? If so drop me a line, I would love a chance to talk with you about your current change.

Emotional Agility

I ran an interesting experiment last week with a group. I was training them on being emotionally intelligent leaders. Before I tell you about the experiment, a little context might be in order.

The organization, a group of twenty folks, has been working while undergoing massive change. By massive, I mean not only the quantity of change processes going on at once but the entire cultural core of leadership requirements as well. For example, managers are being asked to shift from a “command and control” culture, where directives are pushed down the chain of command, to one of solving issues as they present by the people closest to the event.

This type of change has as a reorganization component. Teams are being dissolved and new teams are forming that did not exist three months ago. People are being herded into unclear roles that have no guidelines or strategies for success.

This kind of change is hard on people. As humans, we naturally seek safety and comfort. Even if things are not ideal if we feel comfortable and safe and like the way we have it, why would we ever want to change?

It is like trying to get your parents to move into assisted living and out of the house they have been in for over forty years. Even though everyone knows it is best, they just feel better in their environment. Change from the known to the unknown can be deeply challenging.

Period.

So back to my training experiment.

When the group of twenty came in for the 9:00 AM program, the first question I asked them, is the question I ask every group at the beginning of a session, “What do you need to know about me to feel safe in your learning?”

I know the more safe people feel, the more likely they are to absorb content, listen, and hence hopefully learn something that benefits them as future leaders.

I received typical questions like, “Tell us your education and work background,” and, “Tell us where you are from.” Even from time to time people want to know about my family. Once I have built psychological trust, I usually ask them what they want to learn during our time together. Even though I have an agenda, I always want to know what they need. This helps me to empathize throughout the day and link my content to their needs.

The Experimental Question

The group of twenty are all sitting in pods of five people at four different sets of rectangular tables. I then ask the experimental question to the group stating, “I just got some information from senior management that they feel this group is not sitting in a position that is conducive to learning, and they would like them to learn as much as they can from the day.”

Silence. Seriously, like for ninety seconds. Then someone said, “So, are you asking us to move around?”

I said, “I am not asking you to do anything. Is there anything you would like to do with the information you received?”

Then someone said, “You are the expert, tell us how you want us to sit.”

I said, “Thank you for the compliment but that is not my job here. You received information and I need to know if you are going to do anything with it. If not, I will just move on.”

Finally, some discussion started.

“Maybe we should change seats.”

“I think we should sit in a ‘U’ shape.”

“Then we would have to move tables.”

“I am comfortable right here where I am. I like my seat and really don’t want to move.”

This went on for about three minutes and I interjected, “You all are spending a lot of time talking but what I am observing is no one is moving to meet the expectation.”

After about six minutes, or so, the group got up, moved tables and formed a ‘U’ shape. Once they got into position, I asked if this was more conducive to learning, and they came up with some good reasons as to why it might be.

Then I asked, “So, why did it take you so long to respond to the feedback you received?”

One of the group members sat back and said, “Okay, I see what you just did here. You put us in a place we were comfortable and settled in and then presented us with an opportunity to do better and we hesitated and dragged our feet. That is exactly what a lot of very talented people are doing here at our company. We all know we have to change, but even those who say they are excited about the change are experiencing some emotion around the loss of the way things used to be. So we are just sitting and talking about it without much movement.”

Emotional Agility

As we continued to debrief the experiment, and what was happening in the organization, the discussion quickly centered around the change events they were experiencing and their individual responses to those changes. They came up with many reasons for the change: new leadership, market dynamics, product changes, and cultural inefficiencies. All relevant reasons, and from my perspective, accurate.

My mission for the day then became clear, from an emotional intelligence perspective, to help them develop actions and responses to become emotional agile.

“No matter the circumstance, I am responsible for my reaction”, became the mantra of the group.

For example, when people get angry or upset they almost always blame the person, the object, or God for being responsible for the change. This group came to the realization that when they are faced with change, it is up to them to recognize the emotion, label it, and then ask what it is really telling them.

The reality is, life situations happen. It is not debating “if” change is going to happen but “when,” and the question becomes how are you going to respond.

This is emotional agility. How you choose to respond in your life when change is thrust upon you.

This is Too funny

So, I am sitting on an airplane flying home writing this post and the flight attendant has the snack box. The choices are: Belvita Breakfast Bar, Pretzels, Plane Cookies, and Fritos. Now I always, I mean always ask for, and get, Plane Cookies and Fritos.

The flight attendant says to me, “Which one?”

And I say, “I always get the Fritos and the Plane Cookies.”

He says, “I can give you one, which one would you like?”

My knee-jerk thought is, what a jerk! What is his problem? They always have extras of this stuff. Why is he being such a stickler? I want my snack and I want it my way!”

Then I realized I was not acting with much emotional agility.

So, I reread what I just wrote about being emotionally agile and decided to apply my thoughts to my own behavior.

I sat back and thought, he just wants to make sure everyone gets a snack. This is actually a pretty noble gesture on his part. What a nice guy. If I was sitting in the back I would appreciate getting to have a snack choice like the people up front.

The teacher is always a student.

Becoming Agile with Your Emotion

When change is thrust upon us as humans, we have a tendency to look for blame outside of ourselves for how the action has landed on us.

The central thought behind emotional agility is; no matter the circumstance, you are responsible for your reaction.

According to Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, "You cannot always choose what happens to you. But you can choose how you respond to what happens to you.”  

What emotion do you have to manage to be able to be open to think about something outside of yourself?

Can you catch yourself today having some change thrust upon you, and rather than justify with blame, seek contribution on how you can be responsible for your actions?

Open with Caution...Do You Trust Me?

“I just don’t know where they are coming from” lamented Julie. “Of course I am trustworthy. How could they think I am not?” The tension in the room was rising as she was reading the summary of her leadership 360 feedback report.  

“I take good care of all of the people on the team, walking around asking about how they are doing. I ask about their kids and what they did fun over the weekend. I mean I work hard at showing genuine concern for them.”

Julie continued with simmering anger underneath her words. “I mean I don’t question them at all when they have to leave in the middle of the afternoon when the school calls and one of the kids are in the principal’s office sick and needs to be picked up immediately. In fact, I am actually proactive and tell them, ‘Go we will cover whatever you have to do, just go and take care of your family.’’’

As I listened to Julie struggle with the feedback, I sat back and said to myself, you know she does sound like she has care and compassion and a genuine concern.  But the 360 is saying that there are those on her team that do not trust her.

Where is the disconnect?

I reflected back on previous clients who also received feedback revealing trust as a potential issue in their leadership.

My thoughts turned to Tim whose team said that he was the most dependable manager anyone could ever have. If you ever needed anything all you had to do was ask Tim and he was there for you. Tim got great accolades for being reliable, whether you were in crisis or just needed to talk something out. Tim struggled when he was reading his 360 feedback and trying to process the disconnect between being dependable and reliable, yet being seen as not being fully trustworthy.

How is it that two leaders, one who is seen as showing concern, care, and compassion and the other who clearly demonstrates reliability and dependability both be seen as not being able to be trusted?

Well, it turns out that trust, or what those in our organizations perceive as trust, are rooted in two parts of our brain; our cognitive thinking, and our emotional feeling abilities.

Trust has, as a component of its formation, something called psychological safety. In order for your team to trust you, they need to both KNOW and FEEL that they are safe. Psychological safety is the portion of our being that says all is well. You can be free to be yourself. No harm is going to come to you, this is an open and judgment-free zone.

Experts have found this psychological safety is built on a couple of important foundations. The first is that the leader is able to develop cognition-based trust. This is the type of trust that Tim was giving himself such high marks for demonstrating. Tim indeed received excellent marks for being dependable and reliable. But something was missing.

And the second type, like Julie, who was perceived as not fully trustworthy by her team even though she was demonstrating strong affect-based trust abilities. These strengths are based on emotional bonds of care, compassion, and concern between people. Even though she demonstrated affect-based trust, Julie was missing something.

Well by now you have guessed it.

Julie was missing that cognitive-based trust from her team. While she was great at caring and demonstrating compassion, she was unreliable. She was often triple booked on her calendar and members of her team would need her support in meetings or presentations and Julie was nowhere to be found. Julie could not be trusted to show up.

And while Tim was a dependable manager who had an open door policy, walking into his office was another matter entirely. Tim, being an intellectual and (literally) the smartest guy in the room, would give people on his team the feeling they were insignificant by intimidating them, never asking questions, or showing empathy, just quick with an opinion on what should be done. Tim could not be trusted to care.

So what about you as a leader? Are you able to display both aspects of trust, cognitive and affective? Do you find yourself relying more on one and apologizing for the other?

Trust is a really big deal in leadership (blinding glimpse of the obvious here). Most leaders I meet would never say they are not trustworthy and they often will cite one aspect or the other of the psychological safety equation.

Which side do you lean toward? Cognitive or affective? Is it time you gave full consideration to what goes into driving trust with your team?

You Better Get Working on This Now

Just because something has the same name, is there equivalence? 

Recently, while running an emotional intelligence training, I had a participant come up to me, obviously disturbed. 

We had just distributed the results of the EQi 2.0 Leadership Self-Assessment that we use in the leadership development program for high potential talent, and the young lady was not happy with how she had scored herself.

“Something is wrong with this assessment,” she said. 

“Tell me what you think is wrong," I asked her.

“Well, I just took a different emotional intelligence assessment from a book that I bought in the airport, and that test said I had really strong empathy.” 

“What makes you think the assessment we took in class is wrong?” I asked her.

A bit stunned by that question, she hesitated, and said, “Well, this assessment says my empathy is below average, and the other test said I am way above average, so I guess I just want the high score to be the right score.” 

“Let me ask you this, and be really honest: which of these two assessments of your empathy seems most like you?" I replied.

After a long pause, she said, a bit sheepishly, “I guess the lower one. I know I have work to do in this area," she said, “I was just hoping that the hill wasn’t so steep.  I know my lack of empathy gets in my way as a leader.”

“How was your Reality Testing score in the Decision-Making domain?" I asked.

“One development thing at a time,” she stated.

Buyer Beware

Just like any consumer product you might purchase at your local Walmart or Walgreens, there are many types of leadership assessments you can choose from. When you go to buy a car you have many choices:

What is the Make of car:  Mercedes or Smart Car

What is the Model of car: C-Class or Fortwo

Then you have to think about what features you want to add to each vehicle.

Sure, you want to buy a car, but the quality and price difference will be staggering: Thousands of dollars of difference between Mercedes and Smart Car. 

Yeah, tell me something I don’t already know, Scott, what is your point?

My Point

As you think about the leadership tools you put in your toolbox, make sure they are the ones that are going to take you where you need to go. Just like there are big differences in cars, so too are the big differences in leadership tools. In many cases, what looks like a low-cost option might not be getting you the results you are looking for. 

In the area of emotional intelligence, consider these recent studies as you think about the tools you want to provide to the leaders you work with:

1. A 2014 report showed that investments in Artificial Intelligence startups have increased by 300% over a four-year period (Stamps, 2017). Routine tasks are being handled more by machines, and ever increasingly, it will be emotional and social skills, such as empathy and collaboration, that will be required by people. (Kolbjørnsrud, et al., 2016).

2. Alex Gray of the World Economic Forum (2016) states, “Five years from now, over one-third of skills (35%) that are considered important in today’s workforce will have changed." Emotional intelligence, for example, is not on the list today of top ten job skills needed. By 2020, emotional intelligence is listed as number six in the top ten of job skills needed by everyone (Gray, 2016).

3. According to Miao, C. Humphrey, R. H., & Qian, S. (2016), based on a meta-analysis, leaders' emotional intelligence (EI) positively relates to subordinates' job satisfaction. Job satisfaction can have a direct impact on an employee's intent to stay and hence a direct correlation to the organizations bottom line. High-quality relationships have a positive impact on employee work perception, well-being and emotional experience (Karanika-Murray, et al., 2015).

4. Miao, C., Humphrey, R. H., & Qian, S. (2017) report that An analysis of self-report EI found that the effects of EI on Organization Citizenship Behavior (OCB) and Counterproductive Work Behavior (CWB) are stronger in health care and service industries than in industries where emotional labor demands are lower. The results imply that organizations can increase OCB and reduce CWB by recruiting employees high in EI and by training employees in emotional competencies.

According to the research that I read, the need to hire and train leaders in emotional intelligence is gaining in relevance and importance. 

3 Factors In Selecting Leadership Tools

As your organization evaluates tools to train your leaders, here are 3 significant things to keep in mind:

1. Validity and Reliability: If you are going to use any tool in your leadership toolbox, these might be the two most important to consider. For a tool to be valid, it must be proven to measure what you want it to measure. To be reliable, it must measure the same thing repeatedly. You will want to ensure that your tool was built with these in mind as it was developed. It really doesn’t matter how many people have taken an assessment if it was not developed with the right scientific rigor. People can get scores that are meaningless if the validity and reliability are not right.

2. Normed Population Distribution: Does the population that the assessment was built for fit the population you are working with? If you are working with professional people, does your assessment allow you to select an appropriate population to measure against? If you are measuring how good a professional athlete is, for example, do you want to assess their statistics against other professionals or just a general population some of whom might not even play sports at all?

3. Normed Population Size: Is the population of your leadership tool big enough to give you the statistical power you need to be able to show measurable differences in behavior. If it is then you can create meaningful development plans. If not then you run the risk of telling people that they are good at things they know they are not.

Final Thought

When I was a young boy I used to love to go to work with my dad, a sheet-metal worker. I used to watch them put huge pieces of siding on buildings and set air conditioning units on the tops of hospitals with helicopters. It was pretty cool stuff to watch as a kid.  

Dad was always a stickler for using the right tool for the right job. I can remember more than once I had to go back to the tool box and get the crescent wrench because I had grabbed the pipe wrench the first time he asked for it. "What difference does it make?" I asked, “It makes all the difference in the world.” He would say. "If we don’t use the right tool we might break something and then we will have a big mess on our hands."

As you consider the leadership tools you put into your toolbox, please make sure they are the right ones that are going to allow you to build the type of leaders the organizations you support are going to need to take them into the future.

Sometimes It's What's Not There That's Most Interesting

“When you forget to put the bay leaf in, the pot roast doesn’t taste as good.”-Norma Smith

There are times when what is missing is just as important as what goes in.

If you are ever in Lake Wales Florida and have an evening to spare, you need to stop in and pay a visit to my mother-in-law. There are two things I can guarantee will happen if you ever decide to do this. First, you will hear stories, lots of them, about how the sharing of one's faith is much more than talking. It is about actually doing something to help someone, like dig a well, buying a goat, or even teaching a child. Faith talk is cheap, Faith action is much more impactful. The second thing you will get is a wonderful meal. The woman can cook, and my favorite thing by far is the pot roast. In fact, if you call her in advance and tell her you are coming, drop a hint about the pot roast. You will be so glad you did.  

Now, if you promise not to tell anyone, I will share a secret with you…the secret of a good pot roast. 

It's the bay leaf or bay laurel as it is known in cooking circles. As they simmer the leaf, it gives off a complex-tea like aroma that adds a subtle flavor somewhere between oregano and thyme.  

I can recall one time the family got together and pot roast was on the menu. Norma asked me to put take the beef from the roaster and put it in the serving dish. As I was doing this she said, “Make sure you take the Bay Leaf out and throw it away." Being a curious type I asked, "have you ever forgotten the bay leaf?” 

If you leave the Bay Leaf out the the roast just isn’t as good….

That story came to my mind as I read  an article in the Wall Street Journal on graduate school admissions. 

This summer, NYU’s Stern School of Business started asking for endorsements from a pal or co-worker who can comment on the applicant’s social skills or emotional intelligence.

I found this so interesting because for years now the leadership literature has bee calling out the fact that while intellect is important, it is emotional intelligence that mediates performance. You have to be smart enough to be in the role, but after that it is your emotional and social skills that matter to the organization you work with.

In addition to the two recommendations Stern requires students to submit, the school now has applicants ask a friend or colleague to write a 250-word statement highlighting their traits like empathy and self-awareness. Interestingly, for their next incoming class, Wharton will ask recommenders to do something similar in describing a candidate, asking them to pick six traits—such as conscientiousness or humility—from a list of 20 that best describe the person.

What Goes In and What's Left Out

One of the workshops we've been asked to facilitate more often is “Interviewing for Emotional Intelligence." Organizations, in addition to academic institutions, are realizing the importance of emotional intelligence to overall success.

Often times it isn’t what the person is saying in an interview that matters, but what is left out.

Consider the individual contributor who is interviewing for their first manager (leadership) position…

Interviewer: “Tell me about a time when you were successful in leading a team.”

Hopeful Candidate goes on to tell the interviewer about a time when they convened a meeting for a major problem and then assigned everyone a role, kept the group on task, and the got this impactful result that saved the company millions of dollars.

What becomes evident as our Hopeful Candidate is sharing is the imbalance he/she has between self-confidence and empathy. The entire answer to the question was about what Hopeful Candidate was able to accomplish and nothing about how Hopeful Candidate went about building mutual trust in relationships or tried to understand how the team was feeling. There was nothing said about how well Hopeful Candidate was able to articulate others perspectives and behave in a way that was respectful to others feelings. 

You see, Hopeful Candidate had the “beef” of the interview question answered and was in the pot ready to cook. What was left out was the bay leaf, the flavor, how Hopeful Candidate was able to get things done with other people. 

So, if you find yourself cooking a pot roast or interviewing for a new role, don’t forget to add the flavor that shows you have the emotional, social, and intellectual ability to be wildly successful in the role.

Now, who's ready for lunch?

Are You Intentional with Your Emotional Intelligence Gifts?

My staff gets together every two weeks. We are a virtual team and the very first agenda item is to “check-in.” The goal is for us to build interpersonal relationships that are mutually satisfying and gives us some idea of what to anchor our empathic caring on. Business is tough. Time is both precious and expensive. People are more precious and valuable.

If we are not doing something to connect with one another and intentionally build the relationships in our organization then it is too easy to make the urgent task or agenda item priority over the people in the room. 

Daniel Goldman, the author of the New York Times best-selling book Emotional Intelligence and Primal Leadership says, “When it comes to technical skills and core competencies, the ability to perform depends on the relationships of the people involved.”

My team meets virtually every two weeks at 10 am on Fridays for an hour. When I see that meeting on my calendar my knee jerk reaction is to write down what I need from each of them. Because of our schedules, primarily my travel, we just do not get to spend enough time together, so I crave the information from the projects they are working on.

Even though I am a natural connector and love to interact personally, I have to intentionally take my to-do list for each person and set it aside, and instead start the meeting by saying, “so who would like to check-in first?"

Sometimes this takes 25 to 30% of our meeting time

Frankly, it's the best part of the meeting! I believe we are more effective in the remaining 70% of the meeting because we take the time to connect in the first 20 minutes.

I enjoy our weekly check-ins because not only do they bring us closer together as a team, but it also shows me a little more of the big pictures of each of their lives, and how our realities fit together. This is key because so much of our planning and strategy begin as abstract, so hearing about the actualization of our plans is a good indicator of how the plan is playing out.

Hearing about how implementing our plans affect my team members’ larger stories shows me not only how well our plans are working out, but how our plans are contributing to the health of our team.

If someone on your team is struggling why not do a gut-check on how well you are connecting with them and see if this has any link to their performance? This connection is not a nosey way to gauge their work progress, but a way to hear about their lives and worlds.

SHARE

I invest in my team by sharing my own big-picture reality with them as often as possible. I tell them not only my business-related dreams and goals but about how those fit into my personal life. The reality I shared with the team this week is that I am busy, and not the brain-work, creative kind of busy. I'm so busy that there are days my staff sees my calendar and can't find half an hour that isn't full of activity. I'm not complaining, I love my work, but it is key for me to balance working with clients and investing in my team. It's worthwhile to prioritize both because they work together, not against each other. The more I invest in my team, the more we are able to fill in each other's gaps to smooth out the process, minimizing everyone's stress. By sharing my reality with them they are able not only to see their role in my business more clearly, but engage with my vision, and add their own.

REVISIT

Our check-ins are not left at the meeting table (virtual table in our case) after our meetings. We write them in the minutes, and we follow-up. Sometimes following up just means asking for an update from someone about whatever we know is going on in their life, but sometimes we get to really engage. In the past six months, we’ve been able to follow along as two of our team members took service trips abroad, and not just compartmentalize our roles in their lives to work-life. Instead, we were able to cheerlead for their adventures because we knew how amazing their service has been to us, and how much joy their service would bring to those they went to serve abroad.

Additionally, sometimes our follow-ups require change, and that’s key to maintaining and growing our synergy. Giving my check-ins the past few months, it became clear that although my team is a very organized group, we needed to change how we handle my busy schedule. Check-ins were key here because if I were not in the habit of them, I would not think to ask for help in this area because I am used to it. Instead, I shared my reality often, and my team responded. Now, we have an amazing new calendar system that synergizes us better and streamlines my schedule.

WHAT IF I'M NOT A SHARER, SCOTT?

As leaders, sharing pieces of ourselves and asking our followers to do the same may feel vulnerable, and it is. Yet, this is something so valuable to not only create a positive environment, but also help our team develop together a larger picture of reality: the state of ourselves, each other, and our work. This week, try to think of one thing about your life that your followers may not know about you and share how it impacts your life and work. When we make time to share and do it repeatedly we can use it for growth that can better the synergy, output, and wellbeing of our teams.

Have You Ever Made this Emotionally UNINTELLIGENT Response?

Last week I wrote an open letter to a “friend” in Clarksville Tennessee. If you missed that post you can see it by clicking here.  In that post, I wrote about a guy I came across recently who totally lacked self-awareness.

I have a confession to make. 

In less than a week, I became like that same guy. Not at all proud of it.  But it did happen. Here is the story:

My wife and I were flying home from a wonderful Memorial Day weekend in Columbus Ohio. We were able to spend the weekend with our granddaughter, who, just for the record, is perfect in every way. My son dropped us off at the airport, we checked our bags and headed to the TSA screening area. I often say in the classes that I teach that the best place to observe what poor emotional intelligence looks like is in an airport.

I put my backpack on the conveyor belt to be screened like I do several times a week, almost every week. In my pack, I have a couple of books, my laptop, business cards--nothing unusual. 

The agent at the computer looks into my bag, shouting, "Whose black bag is this?” I look over and my backpack has been rerouted for physical inspection. I hear the agent tell one of his partners, “There is liquid in that bag." I thought to myself, “There is no liquid in that bag. I don’t carry liquids.”

A bit puzzled, I walk over with the agent to his station. He takes a black stick and rubs it over the outside of my bag and then on the inside. I am thinking, oh, this is just a routine screen for gunpowder or drugs or whatever it is that TSA uses that little black stick for. The agent asks me, “Do you have anything sharp in this bag?”  Again, pretty routine. I say, “no."

So he opens the bag, reaches in and pulls out a jar of peanut butter. I remembered that as we were on our way out the door this morning my wife asked me to put the jar in our suitcase. I stuck it in my backpack, thinking, no big deal people take peanut butter on planes all the time.  Since 50% of my flights are to Orlando, I see kids at the airport quite often; they eat PB&J all the time.

The agent then said to me, “This is a liquid and you will have to take it out and either check it or throw it away.”  

This is the point when I became like my friend in Clarksville.

I instantly reacted to the TSA agent by saying, “Peanut butter is not a liquid, it's a solid!" I feel pretty confident I am right about this. My reasoning is:

1. Mr. Volosio, my 8th-grade chemistry teacher, was excellent and taught us the difference between solids, liquids, and gasses. I paid really close attention in that class and am reasonably sure I grasped the concept.

2. My Inorganic Chemistry class took Mr. Volosio’s lesson even further and I passed that class too.

And if those aren’t enough then I ask you this: when is the last time you sat down to have an ice cold, refreshing glass of peanut butter?

The next thing I hear is, “Peanut butter is considered a liquid and you can check it or throw it away." So my statement and all of my logic are being challenged and I can feel myself triggering, which is where this story differs from the one about my friend in Clarksville.

I recognized my trigger. I stop, take a deep breath, and ask the agent just to go ahead and dispose of the peanut butter. I guess some of my training in emotional intelligence kicked in, and my mind told me to not let my emotion get the best of me. There is no way I am going to win an argument with a TSA agent who is convinced that peanut butter is a liquid. Not because he is right, but because he has the power. 

In that moment I had to decide if it was more important for me to be right than to end up on a no-fly list.  I decided it was much more important to fly again and so the peanut butter went into the trash and my wife and I went and had a bite to eat at the Chili’s restaurant in the airport....where I sat down and ordered a tall glass of peanut butter on the rocks with extra ice.

The waitress just looked at me with a puzzled look. I said,“Didn’t you know that peanut butter is a liquid, and so could you pour me a glass?"

My wife said to the poor girl, who was just there trying to make a living, “Just ignore him, he just got his feelings hurt. We will both have water with lemon.” The waitress left with our drink order, and my wife said, “I thought you taught emotional intelligence, you're  not showing any right now.” The truth hurts!

Embarrassed, I looked at her and said, “You're right. That waitress probably didn’t have Mr. Volosio for Chemistry so she might not know the difference between a liquid and a solid.” 

I can’t tell you my wife's response to that. Sometimes what happens in a marriage, stays in a marriage.

So, a trigger for me is when I know I am right and what I perceive to be an injustice occurs.  

How about you? Do you know your triggers? Are you aware of what sets you off? Can you control your emotion, or does your emotion get the best of you and you end up making poor decisions because of some strong need you have to be right, or be heard, or be seen?

Having good emotional intelligence requires both self-awareness and self-management. 

Having good character is knowing when you are wrong and being able to apologize. I did. To my wife, the waitress, and the TSA agent.

PS. The next time you are in Orlando, send me an email because my wife and I would love to have you over to our house for an ice cold glass of…. your favorite liquid beverage.

When Negative Self-Talk Creeps In

A good friend of mine (and an avid reader and commenter on this blog,) Ken, submitted my name as a speaker for an organization he is affiliated with. He emailed me asking if I would consider giving a talk and facilitating a dialogue on the value of emotional intelligence (EI). I am always humbled when anyone thinks that I might have something valuable to say when it comes to EI. It is one of my favorite subjects to talk about, and I often use the EQi 2.0 in training programs I do and with almost every coaching client I work with does a self-assessment that shows them what their leadership habits may appear like to others.

Now, here is what you need to know about Ken. His job is to serve as a hospice chaplain in Polk County Florida. His request was for me to come and speak to a group of his peers and his boss on the subject of how EI can be of value to a hospital chaplain.

Gulp! I have to admit, the email produced mixed feelings in me. Like I said above, I was humbled for sure, but scared out of my pants as well. Hospice chaplains...really?! While I might know something about EI, my immediate “knee-jerk” reaction was, I don’t know anything about hospice chaplains!

Then the negative self-talk started to creep in:

• You’re no expert in hospice care.

• What do you know about how to fit EI into their world?

• You have never even studied EI in this context, what if there is no data?

• Your not a very good public speaker.

• Maybe you should call him up and back out.

Now, am I the only one this happens too? When you are hit with a complex, tension-filled situation what do you do? Do you immediately become filled with fear, anxiety, and self-doubt? How do you stop the negative self-talk from creeping in and taking over your thinking?

Here is a quick and easy method that I use when this happens to me: I use an acronym I call "STOP." It is a four step method that helps me turn my negative thinking into a more positive and constructive use of my time and energy.

STOP

Stop: Do something to interrupt the cycle of negative thinking.

Take a deep breath: Breathing relaxes your tension, releases dopamine, and calms you down to think more clearly.

Other focused: Exercise empathy and become curious about what it is like to be in the other person's shoes.

Purpose a question: Asking questions can have a calming effect and bring you more into a zone of safety than one of fear.

Here is how the model helped me get rid of the negative thinking and increase my confidence in this situation:

When I first noticed the negative thinking creeping into my mind with the thought, you’re no expert in hospice, I should have taken the time to put this model into effect. Unfortunately, even though I teach this stuff, I got all the way down to, maybe you should call him and back out before I put this into practice.

Stop: Psychologists call this pattern interrupt. I noticed the negative thinking and I did something physical to draw attention away from the negative thought. In this case, I was sitting down when I read the email. When I finally noticed the negativity, I stood up. I concentrated on doing something different. Distract yourself away from the source of negativity.

Take a deep breath: When I stood up, I took several yoga style breaths. Focused on bringing my belly button to my spine. I actually could feel myself starting to calm down. This is often when I will also say a prayer, asking God for wisdom as I navigate these treacherous negative waters. I distracted myself from the negativity for a moment. That is the goal with this step.

Other Focused: I tried to take the thoughts off of myself and my shortcomings. I put my thoughts onto Ken and his team instead. I began to think, what might they need from a model like emotional intelligence? What value could it bring them? Notice the questions starting to form when I start to turn my thinking from self-referential to other-focused.

Purpose a question: I crafted an email back to Ken asking him, what are some common situations that hospital chaplains find themselves in where they need more EI? What had other speakers done that the chaplains found valuable? How had he used EI in his work as a hospice chaplain?

I noticed, then, that my fear and anxiety were dissipating into curiosity. I was moving from a lack of self-consciousness into a state of confidence by focusing on the value I could bring to this group of dedicated servants.

Self-Actualization and Optimism

According to authors Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book, EI always exists in balance. This is pretty easy to see when we think about a leader who is very self-confident but lacks any empathy or interpersonal ability. We often put a label on a leader who has this balance of qualities as being someone who is arrogant at best, and a real narcissist on the more clinical side of the psychology

In my case, I am usually a fairly self-perceptive person. This means that in part, I get a lot of meaning and purpose out of my life and the work I do. This is a real strength for me.

Most of the time I am optimistic, which means I have a positive outlook on the future and am fairly resilient in the face of setbacks. However, this ability can come into question, especially when fear or anxiety enter the stage. My optimism can turn into a negative downward spiral of self-critical thinking.

What I need when I am faced with these fears and anxieties is to balance my self-actualization and my waning level of optimism.

The STOP model helps me to put the brakes on the negative thinking, so I can use all the meaning and purpose I get in my life to teach and coach emotional intelligence, regaining my level of optimism.

I am happy to report that Ken and I have a call scheduled to talk through what value EI can bring to the hospice chaplains and the talk is scheduled for mid-April.

Homework: Where do fear and anxiety creep into your leadership? Can you anticipate when these events occur? When you feel your thoughts going negative, try using the STOP model to see if it can bring you back into emotional balance.

How to Know Your Leaders Are Trustworthy

Let me start by saying I usually do not write on political leadership. However, November is coming upon us quickly and this election season has been nothing short of eventful. Is that what you would call it…eventful? Personally, I’ve had some good conversations about the upcoming elections with colleagues, friends, and for what I'm most thankful for, my kids. It's been interesting and equally rewarding seeing them do their own research as well as engage in conversations to find out what their mother and I think. What I've gathered from my kids and other individuals is a feeling of indecisiveness when it comes to the election. What I believe invokes this indecisiveness is the lack of trust in either of the candidates. Looking at their past actions and decisions, as well as hearing their claims and promises, presents some nonalignment that makes voters increasingly uncertain in the decision they will soon have to make.

Hand drawn TRUST process for presentations and reports, business concept on blackboard..

At times I want to laugh out loud when I hear the pundits saying things like, “We are working on making our candidate seem more trustworthy." Trust, from my perspective, is not a short-term fix when it is violated. The time to think about trust is before the violation occurs. My hope and prayer for you as a leader is that you never have to work on restoring your follower's trust. I hope that in all you do, you remain trustworthy in the eyes of your constituents.

It is undoubtedly certain that trust is crucial in leadership, and if trust is broken it makes following leaders more difficult. In Robert Galford and Anne Seibold Drapeau's classic article The Enemies of Trust (Harvard Business Review), several examples of how trust can be destroyed are provided. You may be thinking, "I don't need an article to tell me that!" as I imagine many of us have experienced broken trust from leaders or even entire organizations (even as I eluded to with the current election). Instead of looking at trust from when it's broken, I want to give you two items to reflect on as a measure of the level of trust you have earned as a leader.

Be Clear and Consistent

In previous blog posts I have emphasized the importance in communication. I've also mentioned the importance of repetition so that what you communicate is remembered and repeated by your followers (hence why I keep repeating the importance of communication.) Yet, communication loses it's value when the message is not clear and consistent. If a leader isn't clear when articulating expectations, it is difficult for followers to trust that the leader even knows what it is that they want to be accomplished. Equally, when multiple messages get communicated, the inconsistency of the message leaves you with questions and hesitation, not assurance.

Not only should the message be consistent, but the standards of followers should be on an equal level. Galford and Drapeau suggest that leaders may show favoritism to certain employees so that particular employee stays with the organization, however, the leader "doesn't take into account the cynicism engendered in the rest of the organization." (The Enemies of Trust, HBR)

Be Honest

It's hard to talk about trust without centering the topic on honesty. Honesty is a compliment to trust. Think about a time someone was dishonest with you and the hesitancy you experienced trusting them the next time they gave you their word. That's a pretty basic example of the value of honesty, but let's think about some other circumstances where honesty from leaders is valuable. For example, Galford and Drapeau discuss the problems with false feedback and a leader's inability to be honest about their follower's performance, whether good or bad, hinders future decisions of termination or even promotion with employees. Not only does this lessen follower's trust in their leader, but it limits the growth of the organization.

Leaders also must be willing to trust their followers. Putting faith in your followers to complete a task or step up in their own leadership gives value and recognition to the follower. We all know leaders who "hoarded responsibility" from an employee, leaving the employee resentful for not having the opportunity to use his/her skills and develop professionally.

I have a feeling we are all going to be hearing a lot about trust between now and November. These are two metrics I am using to evaluate trust in political candidates. How about you? What will you be using to assess whether or not you trust your leaders?

Where to Go From Here?

You might be thinking, "This is an interesting perspective, Scott, but what do I do with it?" My goal with this post is not to leave you with a list of "should's and shouldn't's," but to simply get you thinking about the leaders in your life. Whether it's the ones you know and follow personally or the ones that are connected in your community, what do you trust or not trust in their leadership? Is their communication clear and consistent? Are they honest and trusting of their followers? What would help you trust your leaders? Or, an even bigger question might be, to help your followers trust you?

Homework

Spend some time reflecting on trust and what it means to you. How much do you value trust? How much do you expect your leaders to be trustworthy? What are some other habits of trust that you look for in a leader that we didn't mention? Let us know what they are in the comments below.

What I am Learning About Choice

Who needs another diet book, right? There are so many on the market, what could possibly be said that hasn’t already been said? That is what I said to myself when my good friend, Jan Tilley, told me she had just written her third book on making good choices with what we eat. Jan’s new book on what it takes for people to “be well” is called “Eat Well to Be Well."

You really want to buy a copy of this book! And I don’t get any royalties for this statement, so I hope you will be curious enough to go out and get a copy. It is $20 that very well could change your life…for good! My thoughts this week come from reading Jan’s book, and I hope you have the same experience when you read it.

food-healthy-vegetables-potatoes

My Revelation

When Jan was telling me she was taking on this project I thought to myself, “I wonder how many diet books have been written?”So I went out on Amazon and found out! There are 171,292 entries for “diet books” and 7,009 that were newly released in the last 90 days!

Talk about a competitive market!

I took Jan's book with me on a trip a few weeks ago and started reading. It really is a great read!

Jan writes not about diets, but about healthy choices. Choices that will sustain you so that “…you have a fighting chance to live a healthy, strong, vibrant life well into old age."

Choice.  An interesting word.

A word that says the decision and the repercussions are mine. I am the one accountable. I am the one responsible. The choice is mine to be healthy.

So that

• If I am working like a dog, and don’t exercise - I chose that!

• If I get angry at someone at work over something that doesn’t matter - I chose that!

• If I skip breakfast and don’t do my best in the morning meeting - I chose that!

• If I had a bad day and take it out on people who matter most to me when I get home - I chose that!

I think it is so easy to believe the lies like:

• My boss is putting so much pressure on me I don’t have time to exercise.

• I deserve to be angry, my rights were violated.

• Breakfast, who has time for that…I am not hungry anyway.

• If you had a day like I had, you would take it home with you too.

Yet we recall... choice.

It is so easy to blame others for my situation:

• The boss

• McDonalds

• Drug Companies

• My spouse

• My kids

• My mother

But really, how long are we in western society going to continue our blame mentality? When will we take ownership for our own choices? Maybe it is time to admit that we are not healthy because we do not want to be.

A Quick Story

A few weeks ago I had a trip that took me to the West Coast, the Mid-West, the deep South, and back to the East Coast. I had several interactions with friends and clients on the journey where the conversation turned to health. Here are bullet summaries of what was said:

• Friend One: “I am 90 days from my doctor putting me on insulin."

• Friend Two: “My doctor needs to up my dose of Lipitor.”

• Friend Three: "I am tired all the time, I just don’t have any energy.“

• Friend Four: “I just don’t feel good about how I look.”

• Friend Five: “My knees hurt so badly I can’t exercise anymore."

• Friend Six: “ I lost 15 pounds on XX diet, but I have put on 25 since I stopped.”

As I was reflecting on those conversations, I had a couple revelations:

• The reason that so many people write diet books is that the market is really big! A lot of people buy them, a lot of people are trying to figure out this health thing, so authors keep writing them!

• I really care about all these people. Why can’t they make the changes they need to make to be healthy?

Change Is An Emotional Choice

In his book “The Heart of Change,” John Kotter says that the core matter of change is about speaking to people's feelings. That any successful change is brought about by helping each other see the problem or solution that influences the emotion and not just the thought. Kotter goes on to say that the single most important notion for change is quite simple, “People change what they do less because they are given analysis that shifts their thinking than because they are shown a truth that influences their feelings.“

Something not going your way? Are you not getting the outcome you desire? Have you not exercised in weeks? Are you working your entire vacation?

What needs to change?

According to Koetter, you do not need any more information or data. What you need is for the feeling you are experiencing to be turned from negative to positive. To see the possibility rather than to succumb to the inevitable.

Call To Action

Many of you who read this blog I have met at some point over the course of my life personally. I know some of you personally and many of you by acquaintance. I want you to know that I care about you. I care about your health and I care about your well-being. If you have a change that you need to make, I hope you will consider the emotional aspect of what you need to do. You will never make the change if you are focused on blaming your circumstance or gathering more data.

5 Steps to making Your Incremental Change

• Write it down

• Start today

• Start small

• Get an accountability partner

• Focus on the positive feelings of making the change

• Keep Going. Don’t stop until your change becomes your lifestyle

Many, many thanks to my friend Jan, who’s book really stimulated these thoughts. I hope you found them to be of value in your leadership life.

I really do think you should own a copy of Jan's book. If you haven’t purchased it yet, I am going to ask Jan to guest blog next week so that you can meet her and really think about interacting with what she has to say about healthy choices.

What Leaders Can Learn from a $20 Bill

It is interesting to me to observe the lens in which various people look at decisions.

• Teachers look at how decisions can impact learning

• Speakers look at how decisions can become inspirational

• Historians look at how past decisions affect the future

• Nurses look at how decisions advance human health

• Managers look at how decisions affect the bottom line

As you know, I am a leadership junky and I am constantly observing things with a leadership perspective. I found the following story fascinating to examine using a leadership optic.

harriet-tubman-20

The Story

I was reading about a recent decision made at the US Treasury Department. Secretary Jack Lew has announced that in 2020 Andrew Jackson will be sent to the back of the $20 bill while Harriet Tubman will replace him on the front of the note.

Tubman is best known for transporting slaves via the Underground Railroad after escaping from slavery herself, then becoming a pioneer in the women’s suffrage movement. Born into slavery, she not only raised herself out of bondage, she ran 13 missions to free some 70 friends and family from slavery. She is, without question, one of the most famous civilians in all of American history.

Jackson was the seventh president of the United States. His legacy is both one of the most studied and most controversial. Examples include his own ownership and outright support of slavery, signing into law the “Indian Removal Policy," and becoming the first president to implement the “spoils system,” whereby the person who wins the election puts their friends and family on the government payroll. He is also the first president upon whom both a physical attack was directed and an assassination attempt was made.

The Perspective

• A teacher might share with students what it meant to be a conductor on the underground railroad

• A speaker could use Tubman to inspire an audience to examine how their actions line up with their beliefs

• Georgetown historian Michael Kazin took this perspective on Lew’s decision: “Our money is catching up with our history."

• A nurse may want to examine the headaches and seizures Tubman suffered at the end of her life.

• A manager might want to examine the financial impact of Tubman’s actions for slave owners or freed slaves

However, putting on our leadership glasses, let's look at Tubman’s actions in light of her emotional intelligence.

Linking Leadership to Action

When studying and applying emotional intelligence to our leadership lives, we are often caught up in the impact that OUR emotions have on OUR ability to lead. While this is an important aspect of any leadership model, it is woefully inadequate to focus solely on ourselves.

As leaders, we can not ignore our social responsibility to others. Social responsibility comprises both the desire and the ability to willingly and without restraint contribute to the benefit and well-being of others.

The idea is much deeper than whether you volunteer at your local food bank once a month. Socially responsible leaders have a conscious, deep, and abiding concern for others. Leaders who excel in this ability can resist the temptation to put themselves first, and instead, care and act compassionately toward others.

From the assessment work I do with emotional intelligence, leaders who lack enough social responsibility often have imbalances with their own self-actualization. Leaders who score high on self-actualization without balancing social responsibility will tend to put their own meaning and purpose ahead of others. They have their goals and objectives firmly established, then after all of their safety and security needs are met they will turn to considering the affliction of others. Most often what I hear is, “I work long hours, I have a family, I don’t have time to get involved."

I often wonder if this is what Martin Neimoller, a prominent Protestant pastor who emerged as an outspoken public foe of Adolf Hitler and spent the last seven years of Nazi rule in concentration camps, meant in his famous quote,

First they came for the Socialists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Socialist.

Then they came for the Trade Unionists, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Trade Unionist.

Then they came for the Jews, and I did not speak out—Because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for me—and there was no one left to speak for me.

Social Responsibility, a very valuable emotional intelligence trait for leaders to cultivate.

Thank you, Harriet Tubman, for providing such leadership and caring about others, even when it meant risking your own life.

Thank you, Secretary Lew, you got this one right!

Homework

As leaders, we are surrounded by good causes these days where we can express our social responsibility. Your assignment is to examine your own leadership and see if this is an area you need to improve. Examine deeply what may be holding you back. If you see a need, resist your knee jerk reaction to assume someone else will take care of it and instead take action yourself.