Build a Culture You Can Be Proud Of

"Oh, the comfort…the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure word, but pouring them all right out, just as they are…chaff and grain together…certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - George Elliott

As leaders and those who support, mentor, and coach leaders, I wondered how well we are living up to those poetic words of George Elliott. I know Elliott was talking about friendship in his poem, but I do think there is a great application for those of us involved in leadership as well.

Here are my thoughts on how we could apply Elliott’s poetry to our leadership lives:

Feeling of Safety.

Basic neuroscience tells us that if people feel threatened they will shut down and protect themselves. This means if they feel attacked, put down, let down, shut out, disrespected, or judged, the chances that they will be able to perform or even listen to what we are saying are slim to none. If you want your followers to trust you with the issues of their heart (and those that matter to your business), then a culture that creates a feeling of safety is essential. If you create a culture where people can only bring you what you want to hear, this is NOT a place of safety. This means people only feel safe telling you what you want to hear, which can be a huge problem both in friendship and in leadership. If you want the trust of your followers, creating a feeling of safety is critical.

Authentic Leadership.

In my training and coaching work, this is a leadership theory I hear espoused almost as much as Servant Leadership. Leaders will say, “I just want to be myself. I don’t want to have to pretend and be somebody I am not. I want to live out my morals and my ethics as I lead.” I think this is what Elliott is saying about friendship. A friend is someone who shows up “just as they are." No pretense. No judgment. Just the ability to be with the other person to listen and support. This means that followers can tell you what they think, and you as a leader will listen without punishing or penalizing them.

Chaff and Grain.

The grain is the good stuff inside a stalk of wheat. The chaff is the outer covering and is not useful for nutrition. This metaphor is that of good and bad, useful and not useful. The leader, coach, or mentor is able to take in the good and the bad together. The follower has developed enough trust in the leader that they can share both the good and the bad, knowing that the leader will take them, sift them, and let the stuff that doesn’t help just blow away while savoring the good stuff.

How are you doing in your leadership, mentoring, or coaching in creating a safe, authentic environment where the good and the bad can be shared?  What are you leaving on the table by not creating this type of culture?

Homework: Have a discussion with a trusted advisor about ways you may be inhibiting trust in your organization. Check your pride. How might you be creating barriers to the performance of your followers because they do not feel safe?

The Paradox Parable of the Called Leader

Once upon a time, right around now, in an organization not far from here, sits “Hero”, the leader of the whole thing. She is not having a very good day, although both the quantitative and qualitative metrics upon which her performance is measured look good. No, let's not fool ourselves, the numbers are actually great. Hero is in her element. She loves her role and she is really good at it. She has found her niche in life. Some of the articles she read recently in the “Scholarly Organization Journal” would say that Hero has found her calling. 

By all accounts, Hero should be having a very good day. Indeed this should be a very, very good day. 

She has a late meeting with an influential member of the board of directors, “Distance”. Distance oversees the selection, compensation, and retention of the executive team. The relationship Hero has with Distance is a good one, even though Hero has never felt like the relationship was that close. In fact, Hero has only ever met with Distance in board meetings and on executive retreats. She was really looking forward to finally meeting one-on-one with Distance and aligning their goals for the upcoming year.

Yes, it really, really should have been a good day. 

Hero even started her morning with 15 minutes of quiet reflection using her favorite bible verse as the focus of her morning contemplation. She turned in her bible to Proverbs 3:5-6 which reads “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your path.”  Because of the complexity of her organization, Hero often finds herself turning to her spiritual connections for wisdom in decision-making.  Since she often feels the magnitude of hundreds of people whose lives are impacted by her decisions, connecting with her spiritual nature helps her to realize that she is not the center of the universe. Hero remembers attending a conference where she heard a speaker say, "Humility is like a sock with a hole in it, it's realizing what is not there that really matters."*

As Hero sat in quiet contemplation, what really jumped out at her in this morning's reading was the instruction not to lean on her own understanding. This was quite a puzzling paradox. The instruction seems to say that Hero should not put her trust in or be supported by the structures of all that she had learned over the course of her 50-some-odd years on earth. 

As Hero focused her attention on these words “lean not on your own understanding” her mind started to drift….

“I have always felt that my business and my life are solid. My marriage of 30 years to the love of my life is rock solid. As for the workplace, I  have been complemented by the board chair that I show excellent critical thinking and a strong ability to discern between very viable, but distinctly different options when a decision is needed.  My experiences have been formed from a very good academic pedigree that lead to an excellent job right out of school. Each opportunity I have been given in life seemed to build perfectly as a jumping-off point for my next career opportunity.  I really can’t believe it, here I sit three years into this leadership role really trying to fully appreciate what I have accomplished…no that's not right, why do I always do that? It is what the team has accomplished. If it wasn’t for their hard work and dedication to the mission we would be nowhere.” 

As she sat and stared at her journal where she keeps these reflective thoughts she got an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and appreciation for who she is and what she has been able to accomplish.

Then Hero remembered the words of her Coach who told her that when journaling, if her mind wanders, she should come back to the thought she was reflecting on, “lean not on your own understanding”.  She even remembered proper meditation techniques. A good day, are you kidding? 

Yes, this really should have been one of those.

Now time doesn’t allow us to tell you in any detail about the excellent workout that Hero had that morning, nor the healthy breakfast she enjoyed (perfectly balanced between carbs and proteins). We just really don’t have the space to discuss her commute to work where it seemed like she was the only person on the road, and not one car pulled in front of her to cut her off. Not one. When does that ever happen?

We wish there was time to tell you about all the productive meetings Hero had that day, the 20-minute nap she enjoyed in the afternoon, and the very productive afternoon session she had with her Coach. Time and space just don’t allow it. Sorry. But all that aside...

Really and truly this should have been a perfect game of a day.

Oh yeah, Hero even got in a 45-minute hot yoga class before her meeting with Distance. 

Good day? Ha. 

And yet, to quote from one of Hero's favorite childhood books,

 “This is an awful, no good, very bad day.” 

You see, Hero had her late meeting with Distance, who told Hero her services were no longer needed by the organization. The board wanted to go in a different direction. Sure there was certainly acknowledgment of all her positive results. Distance thanked her for all her effort. But in the end, the board decided they needed a new focus and direction (it is highly recommended, that if this was a real organization, who had a real board who made decisions like this, and who issued real stock; that you sell as fast as you can.)

Distance said the announcement would be made in 2 weeks and that they would like to throw a party for Hero. Yes, you read that right, the board fired Hero and wanted to celebrate it.  "Who does that? “Hero asked her Coach when she called to provide the update on her meeting with Distance, 

Indeed, this was not a good day. 

"But one day does not a life make. Nor does what happens on any single day ever define us. It can have an impact for sure, but is in no way a full picture of who we are". —Coach

Now if Coaches are good at one thing, they are good at asking the right question at the right time. They are not very good, however at providing quotes to be used in a blog post.

Hero’s Coach sat with her in silence as Hero contemplated this day that should have been so good and yet felt not that way at all.

“It's not if something bad might happen in your life but when." Those are the words Hero spoke that broke the silence that enveloped the coaching session (they are also words that will end up someday in a blog post, quoted by Coach.) “The real question to be answered is, How am I going to respond?”  Coach knew what Hero was saying, that leaders are often defined by their resilience in the face of setbacks. Having a positive optimistic long-term outlook is what trust is all about.

And now you know why she is my Hero.

*This quote is from Dr. Jay Wood, author of Virtue Epistemology, taken from a lecture at Indiana Wesleyan University. Hero hopes she heard this as the speaker intended.

4 Factors to a Longer and More Successful Leadership Life

One of my clients had a profound impact on my life at one time. What I heard him say is:

"Scott I realized that I have to take care of myself. I am at my best when I am taking care of myself. I decided that I am going to do yoga when I get up in the morning, and I am going to exercise at noon. I am going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason for the changes, he continued,

"There has been a lot of negativity in my life recently, and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am going to choose the leader I want to be and not be a victim of circumstance."

Absolutely Profound.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four Things to Notice About Wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you have to devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment, or you become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game: A successful existence. This is your life, and you only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

The National Wellness Institute describes six different dimensions for us to consider as we examine our own well-being:

• Emotional

• Occupational

• Physical

• Social

• Intellectual

• Spiritual

This week I want to focus on your emotional well-being as a leader.

The Story

One of my favorite authors is Martin Seligman. As a past president of the American Psychological Association, he has credibility from a research standpoint that is really meaningful for me. In addition, Martin is a gifted storyteller who can weave a story together and then bring home a point that has a real impact and causes me to pause and examine my own life.

One of my favorite stories that Martin tells us in his book Authentic Happiness. He details the stories of two of 180 nuns who are the subjects of an impactful and noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all of the details, you need to read the book, it is a great read. Here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are admittedly dicey and very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case for. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat similar food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and they have similar routines. Sure there are some other differences that could account for the results:

• Different levels of intellect

• Different depths of spirituality

• Different outlooks on the future

However, none of these criteria in the research made any difference. The thing that Seligman points out that made a difference in the longevity of the nuns was the number of positive feelings expressed.

If longevity is at least one measure of successful existence, then the positive outlook you have on life matters!

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

In the Emotional Intelligence training I do as a part of my consulting, one of the attributes we measure is that of happiness or wellbeing. In the model we use there are four factors that comprise wellbeing:

• Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

• Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your values.

• Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

• Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life.

There are two important considerations as you evaluate your own level of well-being.

The first is that you display as many of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends and ensure that there is reciprocity. Realize that things are not always going to go your way. It isn’t if you are going to have a setback in life, it is when. What counts is how you respond.

The second is that you have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful and in it for yourself. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

Homework

Rate yourself on a scale from one (low) to 10 (high) on each of the 4 attributes of well-being. Are you maximizing each attribute? Are all four of the attributes in balance with each other? As you reflect on these, what changes would you need to make to live a long and successful life?

EQ-I Certification

Then, decide to get EQ-I certified with us! Pre-registration for October 3rd and 4th starts now - click here!

7 Steps to Increasing Your Followers

With all the crazy in our world these days, most leaders I speak with barely have enough time to get their jobs done, let alone spend any significant time catching up on things they enjoy reading. I know for me it has been that way, I am about 3 books behind in my own reading schedule. The other thing I really enjoy that I just have not taken as much time for is keeping up with my journal reading. The journal Leadership is one of my favorites. 

I had a client who needed to reschedule the other day and I jumped on the journal Leadership’s website to see what was posted in the last couple of years. I was really intrigued by the framework of the August 2020 issue from 2 years ago. The entire journal is dedicated to the shift being seen in how effective leadership is being practiced. Here are a couple of the articles:

1. The price of wearing (or not wearing) the crown: The effects of loneliness on leaders and followers

2. Barriers to leadership development: Why is it so difficult to abandon the hero

3. Toward a methodology of studying leadership-as-practice

I find it very interesting to think about the leader not being the hero. For too long, we have been sucked into thinking that the leader will rush in and save us. That the leader is some sort of mystical figure who is smarter, more engaging, or has more energy than the average man.

As I watch other organizations and spend time reading and thinking about this, I am becoming convinced that nothing could be further from the truth.

Even certain personality constructs like Myers-Briggs give homage to types that they say are natural leaders like the ENTJ (see Myers-Briggs for more details). There are so many implicit and explicit biases in this kind of nonsense that the idea is almost laughable.  

Since leadership has such a strong relational component, I am becoming convinced that true leadership is really about whether others will follow. There will always be a consideration given that in certain circumstances people might have to follow. There is some power gradient in play where a person feels they have to tolerate the leader. But this is a leader in name only, or maybe a better term is boss or supervisor. 

True leaders have followers; not because they have to, but because they choose to.

Those following the leader do so because they buy into the vision. They find the work they contribute toward the vision to be interesting and worthy to spend their lives doing. Those in followers have heightened levels of accountability. They feel responsible for the vision and they understand their role in making it happen.

There are very significant trends (all being accelerated by COVID over the past couple of years) in the direction of follower models replacing traditional heroic, leader-centric models. These follower-centric models are replacing what many are now calling the “heroic” leader. The leader is no longer the center of the workflow to create leadership, rather, as Barbara Kellerman writes in her book, Followership, “Followership” implies a relationship between subordinates and superiors and a response of the former to the latter.”   

I really like the idea of followership as it brings into balance the task and the relationship side of the leadership equation. Followership is about empowering teams to higher levels of performance where the leader is setting the vision, building a safe environment, fostering learning, recognizing contributions, and maybe most of all not the focus of the attention.

Are You Creating Followership?

The above question is a good one for leaders in organizations to sit back and ask themselves. Really spend some time reflecting on your ability to create an environment where people choose to follow your vision, and not because they have to for some organization hierarchy or power gradient reason.  

Here is a little checklist of 7 things to reflect on your own ability to create more followers:

1. Clearly describing the vision - In a few words can I articulate our purpose?

2. Repeatedly giving the vision - How many times a day do I bring the work people back to the vision?

3. Reciprocal trust - Do followers feel psychologically safe to be themselves so they can contribute? Do you really understand their relational needs that unlock their true potential?

4. Learning - Do we encourage learning including: asking questions, giving and receiving feedback, and even making mistakes?

5. Expectations - Are they as clear to your followers as they are in your own head?

6. Coaching - Do you really want to win; or do you just want to be seen as a good coach?

7. Two-Tier feedback - Are you willing to examine original assumptions that were made or do you just give feedback on observed behavior?

I gave you these 7 ideas and questions not really as a model for followership, but more of a checklist to ask yourself or others around you how you are really doing at fostering the relational side of leadership.

I would love to have your perspective on increasing your followers and followership. If you have a comment, please put it below. Love hearing from you.

Will These Three Ideas Help You Succeed?

What questions have you been asking yourself as you build your success story? Perhaps, one is, “As HR Vice President, what does leadership development look like?” Or, “As a sales leader, how can I balance work and family?” Or possibly, “As a Church Pastor, what do I need to do to grow my congregation?”

These are tough, yet realistic problems that we face as professionals, but I think we need to reframe the questions.

Any coach (whether formal or informal, external or internal, paid or volunteer, executive, life or organizational) must have the skill of listening and then reframing questions. Reframing a question provides a different perspective on the issue at hand.

As a coach, it is my job to reframe questions in order to help you get to the heart of the matter. Rather than asking about leadership development, I would challenge you to ask the real question, “What do I need to do to get promoted to my next role in the company?”

Or if you’re a sales leader, what I really hear you asking is, “If I sacrifice time with my family, will it be worth it financially?”

Or to the pastor, I would reframe the question as, “What should I be doing to grow my church? I am doing everything the books say to do, but nothing is working!”

Please don’t misunderstand my point. I do think that people want to know how you approach things, how you set goals, how you solve problems, how you prioritize resources, and how you assess risk. But, the answers they want will direct back at themselves.

Enter the world of what psychologists call self-efficacy.

Research On Self-Efficacy

Self-Efficacy is a fancy term for belief in yourself; confidence in the capabilities and talents you have been given and developed. Studies have shown that the confidence you have in your capabilities affects your performance and is linked to happiness, satisfaction, and well-being. All of these attributes in one way or another link to success.

Research published in the December 2016 issue of the Consulting Psychology Journal outlines that you can help those you coach be more successful by following three simple ideas:

1. Invest the Time: The confidence of the person increased as the coaching relationship evolved over time. As you coach others over the course of your conversation, notice how their confidence increases toward the coaching objective. When it does, make them aware that you are seeing this increase in confidence.

2. Say it Out Loud: The more the client verbally articulates their confidence, the higher the achievement of the goal actually becomes. “I am going to do this” types of statements show confidence in the client's ability. The more they make commitments out loud, the increased likelihood of belief in themselves.

3. Ask the Right Question at the Right Time: In this study, questions asked by coaches fell into three categories:

   • Open-ended - “What do you want to do?"

   • Proposing Solutions - “Could your search for other companies that offer better possibilities?”

   • Provide Support - “You know what? That sounds like a great idea."

The research points to proposing solutions as the only effective method of triggering self-efficacy statements in the very first coaching session. While the other two methods are also valid, they merely enhanced the confidence of the other person throughout the coaching engagement.

As you work with and coach others on your team, especially if you have more of a long-term relationship, focus on asking them open-ended questions and providing support for the ideas they bring to the table. Too many of us fall into the trap of proposing solutions because it makes us feel better about ourselves or like we added real value. I would argue that the value you bring is the investment of time and the belief in the person you are coaching. The research says that the value of you proposing solutions early in a coaching relationship does little to improve the confidence or belief in the mind of the person you are working with.

How would your work environment change if you focused on building the confidence of others in your organization? Will these three ideas we discussed help you succeed? When you are coaching others, resist the temptation to make the coaching about you by offering advice and providing them solutions. Really focus on practicing open-ended questions and providing your client the support they need.

5 Tips Based on Over 15 Years of Working From Home

The Coronavirus pandemic caused and is still causing many of us to rethink assumptions we never thought we would have to consider.  As a result, many of you who have maybe worked a day or two from home now and then might find yourself working from home more often, or even indefinitely now.

Some schools have even decided to move to online formats and are requiring students to stay home, forcing many workers into new scenarios that they had never faced before when it comes to working remotely, and many parents have had to make the decision to homeschool their kids.

There is some good news in all of this. A Harvard study in 2019 stated that people who can work from wherever they choose were 4.4% more productive than those who had fixed, rigid work requirements.  I actually was a bit shocked and thought this might be higher, but my fear is that not everyone who chooses where they work from will follow the same discipline that they would in an office environment. 

So, I thought I would give you some of my thoughts on how I have navigated these “free to choose your workspace” waters for myself (although for some this may be a forced choice).  

These tips are not based on any specific research. I will typically spend several hours researching and crafting a blog post, but this post is different. It is just my opinion.  What I write may not fit you or your style, and that’s okay.

5 Tips Based on 15+ Years of Working From Home:

1. Guard Your Attitude Against Loneliness.  

   I am starting with attitude because many of you really enjoy the social aspect of work.  If you had a question about something, you were used to popping your head into someone’s office to get an answer  When you are working from home, the feeling of loneliness can be very real.  I like to intentionally schedule meetings early in the morning and in the late afternoon that have a “check-in” social component to them.  I always have a cup of coffee (you substitute your social non-alcoholic beverage of choice) in the morning and my seltzer water (love that fizz) in the afternoon. There is something that just feels social for me about sharing a beverage with someone while we are talking.  I also try, if at all possible, to do these calls over video chat.  I just love Zoom, it is so easy to use and within 30 seconds I can schedule the meeting, put it on my calendar, and send the invite to someone.  

2. Carve Out Dedicated Work Space.

   I realize that this work-from-home scenario many are facing may not have given you a completely dedicated office with a door and a desk and a comfy leather chair. You really don’t need all of that, anyway, but you do need a place that is going to be your designated work space. It is important that you dedicate that space to work and that it is not in front of the TV while the news stations broadcast all of the latest news. Having a dedicated space will tell your brain this is now where you work. If you can avoid it, try not to make the kitchen table your office, because this is likely a grand central station in your house, if it is at all like mine, and it is really hard to have meetings and concentrate with a lot of traffic. 

3. Keep Your Routine.

   If you are used to being at the office by 7:30 am, continue to get up at the same time. If you shower in the morning, then by all means continue this habit. Get dressed like you are going to work and be at your desk by 7:30 am, ready to engage.  What you may find is that when you don’t have your normal commute, you can put that time to good use and do something like starting that book you have always wanted to get to but just never had the time.  If you eat lunch, take a lunch break. You can still schedule lunch meetings if you want, just warm up your soup or make your sandwich and do the meeting over video conference.  One thing I find about working from home is that I have to get up and take more frequent stretches and walks.  I try and keep them around 5 or 10 minutes, but I try and get up at least every 60 to 90 minutes and stretch.  Then, end your day when you would typically leave your office.  Pick up your book and read another chapter to account for your commute.  When you are finished working, then close your device and be finished.  

   WARNING: Working from home is not a time to “sort of work” while you clean the shower that has not been cleaned in a while. Your organization is still expecting full work productivity. Don’t fall into the trap of half-working and half-doing whatever else needs to be done at home. 

4. Communicate Expectations.  

   Most people who you work with will understand that everyone has probably adapted to a new normal. Your family and friends may not understand this still. They may see this as, well, “mom and dad are home, so it must be like the weekend”.  I have found it really important to communicate with my wife that when I am working, it is like I am not here. Now, if there is an emergency, then by all means come get me. But this should be rare like a total eclipse of the sun. If you clearly establish boundaries I think you will find you will be just as, if not more, productive. Running out of mac and cheese or paper towels will have to wait until you would normally get home to resolve the issue.  I have found that kind words like, “Is this an emergency, or can it wait until I am finished working?” works well for me and helps establish appropriate boundaries.  

5. Pay Attention to Habits.

   You are in an interesting space of getting to form some new habits when you work from home. For this, we turn to the research. Wendy Wood, in her book “Good Habits/Bad Habits”, reviewed 64 studies and found that for some behaviors, people’s actions aligned with their intentions. For example, if they intended to get a flu shot or enroll in a class, they did as they intended. The stronger the plan for these one-off types of things, the more likely they were to do them. But for other behaviors and actions that are repeated more often, intentions didn’t matter that much. Things like taking a bus or recycling, for example. People might want to recycle but it turns out that intention doesn’t matter that much here. Persistence and the formation of habit have little to do with willpower or the mere desire to accomplish something.  What is needed is the repetition of the desired behavior. So, as you think about working from home, put all your good intentions aside and practice what it is that you want your behavior to be.

I hope you found this interesting to think through as we all navigate a new age of a lot of people working from home.   If you know someone who works from home or is going to be in the future, why not forward this post to them and encourage them to sign up for the blog?

 If you have ideas on how to be successful working from home, please send me a note with your thoughts. I promise to give you credit for your idea if I do a “reader’s hacks” type post in the future.

Are You Happy With Your Level of Well-Being?

A client once said to me, "Scott, I realize I need to take better care of myself. When I do that, I am at my best. I have decided to do yoga when I get up in the morning and exercise again at noon. I am going to be more conscious of my diet and make better choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued.

"Recently, there has been a lot of negativity in my life and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am choosing to be the leader I want to be and not be a weak victim of my circumstances."

His decision prompts me to ask this question to you:

How are you, as a leader, focusing on your emotional well-being?

There’s a great story of 2 out of 180 nuns that were the subjects of a study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you can read the book  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, for some interesting facts and percentages about the nuns.

Studies of longevity are very complex from a purely scientific standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case of. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat basic food, don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and have similar routines. Of course, there are differences such as intellect, depths of spirituality, and outlook on the future that could account for the varied results in the nuns.

However, none of these aspects made any difference in the research. In his book, Seligman points out that the largest contributor to their longevity was the sheer amount of positive feelings.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and then make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four things to notice about wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment or you decide to say “screw it” and become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game. A successful existence. This is your life. You only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

Emotional intelligence and well-being:

One of the attributes we measure in Emotional Intelligence training is either Happiness or Well-being. In our model there are four factors that comprise Well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your beliefs.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life

Two considerations for evaluating your own level of well-being:

1. The first is attempting to display as many of these four attributes as you can.

   • Believe in yourself and live according to your values.

   • Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you.

   • Have friends that reciprocate these areas.

   • Realize that things in life are not always going to go your way. What counts is how you respond when setbacks happen.

2. The second is to have a balance between these attributes.

   • For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships.

   • If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful.

   • If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around. It’s all about balance.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader:

Are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

What changes can you make to ensure that you live a long and successful life?

Will Removing These Leadership "LIDS" Help You?

One Taco Tuesday at the Livingston home, my wife Kim and I were assembling all the ingredients for our tacos: tortillas, ground beef, cheese, lettuce, sour cream, etc. I noticed my wife was struggling to take the lid off of the salsa jar, so I gently gestured for her to give me the jar and proudly assumed the position of heroically twisting the lid off the jar.

It wouldn't budge.

I put forth a little more effort, twisting harder this time. Nothing. I resorted to running it under hot water for a while, then took a towel to dry it before I tried again. Sure enough, the lid finally gave way and the jar was open for salsa to be enjoyed.

Earlier that day, I had actually been talking with a good friend about leadership “LIDS”. During our conversation, the idea of the lid intrigued me. Yes, the lid is there as a cover, or protection, for what's inside, but it is also a cover, or barrier, keeping you away from what needs to be shared or utilized. Many times it's our own emotions and mentality that hold us back.

I want to focus on four of these potential barriers and consider how we can remove them, using “LIDS” as an acronym for: Loneliness, Indecisiveness, Defensiveness, and Selfishness.

As you read on, think about your own leadership and which “LIDS” you need to remove. Which of these “LIDS” could be holding you back from sharing what you have to offer?

Loneliness

This could be something you are experiencing in the workplace, or in your personal life. It can creep up when you've physically spent too much time on your own or you feel as if no one can relate to what you are going through or processing. Feeling alone is difficult, and doing things alone can be even more challenging. As humans, we are designed for relationships. Although alone time can be rejuvenating, we aren't meant to remain alone in order to progress or thrive.

How to remove this “LID”: Invite people into your world. Whether it's including them on a project you are working on or asking someone to go out for a coffee. If the loneliness doesn't subside and you are having trouble processing or expressing your thoughts, consider talking to a mentor, counselor, or coach.

Indecisiveness

You may say that being indecisive comes from the inability to make a decision because there seems to be no wrong or right way to go. While that's true, I also see a lot of fear behind decision-making. What if I make is the wrong choice? Making a decision is going to keep you moving while indecisiveness keeps you stagnant. How can you lead people if you aren't really going anywhere yourself?

How to remove this “LID”: Make a decision. Don't let the fear of failure keep you from moving forward. Making a mistake or taking a wrong turn doesn't mean you failed, instead, it's an opportunity to learn and grow.

Defensiveness

In the great American sport of football, the defensive line has a responsibility to keep the other team's offense and quarterback from advancing the field with the ball. They push. They fight. This creates struggle and tension, not to mention it is exhausting as they keep it up until the other team scores or it is their turn to play offense. I bring up this example because we tend to think of defense as protecting, yet the defensive line isn't protecting anything. They are pushing back and preventing advancement. We can often be defensive in our own lives, having the mindset that we are protecting something. This could be our job, our reputation, or more often than not, our pride. In this case, protection is a fallacy and our defensiveness creates a barrier and tension that prevents the advancement of our goals or our team.

How to remove this “LID”: It takes some intentional awareness of your emotions to see when you may be acting defensively. Your heart might start beating faster, your body temperature may rise, you may feel your lips tighten, or you may unconsciously cross your arms. Try to identify what happens when you start to feel defensive, why you are feeling it, and what you might think you're "protecting." How is your defensiveness holding you and/or your team back?

Selfishness

Putting your needs and desires before others is the easiest way to explain selfishness. It is even easier, unfortunately, to get caught up in selfishness if we don't stop to think about what we are doing or behaving. Consider what your priorities are right now. Are you focusing on your own advancements and needs? What about those of your team and followers? Don't get me wrong, self-care is important, as long as it's not at the expense of another person.

How to remove this “LID”: Think about your goals, priorities, and needs. What would it look like if you included your team in those goals, changing "I" statements to "we." Call on your team and followers to find out what their goals and priorities are, then think about how you can help them achieve their goals. Practice humility by stepping back, letting them take lead on a project, and praising them publicly for a job well done. Trust me, their success will be your success.

Homework

Think about our “LIDS” acronym above and identify one or more of them that you need to remove. What action steps or conversations do you need to have in order to remove them? What benefits will come to you and your employees or followers when you remove the lid?

2 Helpful Tools for Improving Team Health

A couple of years ago I had the opportunity to facilitate a discussion for a team on how they could become more healthy.

The team by all accounts was high performing - made up of “top guns” from the industry. A group whose contact list (Rolodex, for those of you who still own flip phones), goes three and four layers deep into important and influential customers. They have done a remarkable job as a team, pulling their share of the weight for what needed to be done in the organization. Hitting all their yearly goals by the third quarter.

The premise for team health is that there is a synergy that happens where the team can do amazing things that no single member could ever achieve on their own. That when there is team health there is a feeling of invincibility and performance can increase.

On the flip side, when teams are not healthy, like when certain aspects of performance become overemphasized, other parts of the systems that make us human can become damaged. And while it may look like we are performing, the results are short-term. Worse, the synergy that is anticipated never happens.

I was having a conversation with a physician friend recently about this idea of extremes in performance when it comes to human health. This physician is actively involved with athletes in a consulting capacity and recalled a meeting he was in preparing a local community for a marathon race. The race is fairly well known so, as you can imagine, the health of the runners is really important. The people in charge of the race convened a committee of 20 physician marathon runners and my friend chaired the committee. The interesting thing about the group of physician-runners was that all of them were under the age of 55, and that of the 20, about 40% (8) of them had heart stents. High performers in any discipline have to think deeply about all of the systems that go into their performance. Failing to do this will put undo stress on one aspect in the system, ultimately causing a breakdown in the ability to perform.

My Story

The objective given to me by the organization who hired me was clear: The folks on this team needed a perspective that they are leaders in the organization. To achieve this, they needed to learn to better understand themselves and lead themselves as leaders.

Those of you who love to study how organizations learn will recognize the task as one that involves double-loop learning. The group I was working with needed to examine some of the basic assumptions they had about themselves and then how the organization defined performance. Double-loop learning encourages teams to ask clarifying questions about how they identified the problem, what processes they used to understand the problem, what they can learn from the problem, and how they can apply that learning in the future.

To get this team to see performance in a new way, they needed to think differently about what this term means and then to develop some new ways of going about their work.

2 Ways To Encourage Learning

Two ways that leaders can foster learning on teams are by providing opportunities for exploration and advancement.

Exploration stimulates innovation, new ways of thinking, and creative processes to develop new products or incorporate new technology. One of the exercises I took this team through was how to be better listeners. I gave them some guidelines on how to listen better and to focus on the needs of the other person. Then they were given a listening partner and a set amount of time where they were to do nothing but listen to the other person. We did three rounds of these questions where each time the questions got more difficult to just sit and listen.

The idea here was to give the team a new way of thinking about listening. As a leader, it is good to have a perspective or opinion but that the broader organizational teams also have opinions and ideas. The take away for this group is that if they listened with more intensity, then they would understand the perspective of others and be able to create the organizational synergy that senior management was expecting.

Advancement is when teams look for ways to improve existing processes or products while incorporating innovation and creativity. Leaders encourage team learning through experimentation, providing resources, implementing reflective practices, and celebrating victories during the learning process. One of the unhealthy behaviors that had surfaced on this team is that when something did not go their way, rather than engaging in healthy conflict, they internalized and awfulize the issues. So if one of their members was inadvertently left off of a meeting invite list, rather than be more assertive and reach out to the meeting organizer, the team would say, “it is not our place to get invited, if they don’t value our input then that is their fault.” As a team, we worked on understanding our individual conflict styles and then improving processes where they needed to be flexible from their default conflict style.

As a leader it is your responsibility to care for the health of your team. It is my hope you will continually be looking for ways to use Exploration and Advancement to improve the health on your team.

Does Conflict Have to Feel like a 4 Letter Word?

CONFLICT.

It is not literally a “4 letter word,” but in organizations sometimes it feels twice as bad as any four-letter word ever would.

Conflict is one of those tense words that can have such a negative connotation. So averse that we avoid it like we would have during the heart of the COVID Pandemic if someone in the grocery store was not wearing a mask when it was required.

It is like the conversation you know you need to have with someone, but you go the other way because avoidance seems, at the time, to be much less painful than the interaction.

But is it? What is behind this avoidance? 

This is the generation of “when you see something, say something.” I think that mantra is pretty easy to articulate in isolation, like when you are hiding behind your Facebook or Instagram page. But, putting all the social pressures we feel in organizations on top of it and avoiding conflict can seem like a better route than addressing it.

What if the person I am in conflict with gets hurt? Worse yet, what if I get hurt?

Rather than face the hurt or the pain, our knee-jerk response is often to avoid it. Just like the person in the grocery store who was not wearing a mask during the Pandemic, our first thought was not the fact that it is unlikely they have COVID, rather, we probably chose to avoid them altogether. There is over a 90% chance that all is well, but we become paralyzed by the prospect of the pain, so we avoid and miss all the great opportunities that could have been present if we just engaged.

Conflict and Emotional Intelligence

I was working with a team of folks a few years back whose senior leadership team was trying to address the fact that their business was being held back because everyone in the company was so nice to each other. 

I actually see this a lot with the organizations I work with. They are great people. Highly professional. And rightly so, in our organizations, it has become the right thing to do to treat employees well, and with respect.

A goal in developing organizations is to try and understand what the people need and to try and meet those needs. We hear a lot these days about how to engage employees; making sure they are enjoying their work has become a metric for performance. That is all well and good, except if we are not careful we can over-index the relationships to the extent that problems will go unsolved.

It is interesting to me the relationship between “Interpersonal Relationships” and “Decision-Making”, specifically the problem-solving aspect of a decision-making process. 

First, let me define my terms:

Interpersonal Relationships between people are mutually satisfying relationships that are characterized by trust and compassion. 

Problem-Solving is the ability to find solutions for problems where emotions are involved (which is every problem) and how the emotions impact the decision.

Here is what it looked like for the client I mentioned above:

The organization had a culture of caring about people. The experience was very much like being in a family. By in large, they all are really nice people. They trust each other and show a tremendous amount of care and compassion. They have strong interpersonal relationships. 

So when a deadline came…(and went)… for a project to be delivered, it created a problem. Other teams would be waiting for the work that was now missing. What ensued is what I called “tension smiles”. You can feel the tension of the missed deadline, all the while smiling as if nothing was wrong. 

The emotion about the problem was high. The relationships were trusting.

The issue became that the folks in the organization saw the choice they had as either stressing the relationship OR solving the problem. What I heard was, “If I confront Sam for missing the deadline, then I will lose trust with him.”  

From their perspective, the choice was between preserving the relationship OR the solving problem - not both.

This is common when it comes to conflict. The tension and the emotion affect our ability to see things clearly. We fall into fear-based thinking that blinds us. Instead of seeing the full picture, fear causes us to see very few options in front of us.

The Strategy 

A simple hack when you feel you are facing this dichotomy is to change your “OR” to an “AND”.

How can the manager in the above scenario have both strong interpersonal relationships and solve the problem at hand?

Understanding where Sam is coming from AND holding him accountable for missing the deadline are both possible by flexing your empathy muscle; empathy for Sam as well as for the people impacted by his missing the deadline. 

Our emotions will, at times, not tell us the truth.

It will feel like I must pick one option over the other; such as the relationship over solving the problem. This is the “false” in a false dichotomy.  

Your emotion, your fear, and your anxiety are all telling you something, but what they are telling you gets misinterpreted.  

Your emotion is telling you that there is tension. The question your emotion is asking you is “What do you want to do about this?”  

Emotions can’t decide. All they can do is inform.

It is up to your more rational, thinking brain to make the decision. In order to do this, it is key when you feel the fear or the anxiety in the false dichotomy of the choice to take a deep breath. Step back for a moment and see if you can find a way to solve the problem AND maintain the relationship.

Change your “OR” to an “AND”.

Hold Sam accountable AND maintain the relationship.  

The Secret to Self-Reflection

A while back I had a conversation with a young man who was interested in applying for his first leadership role. This young soul recounted all of his accomplishments to me: bonuses earned, awards won, and recognition given to him by his organization for his outstanding performance.

As he continued to try and convince me that he was ready to take this next step, I sat back and thought, “why is he trying to persuade me?”

The Conversation Was Quite One-Sided and Seemed Self-Aggrandizing.

As I continued to reflect during the conversation, my thoughts turned and I realized… he was not trying to convince me, he was trying to convince himself. Even though he had received rewards and recognition, he knew in his heart of hearts that he was not ready. His peers were being promoted around him, and this caused him to take on their call as his own.

My role as a coach was not to judge whether he was ready, my role was to help him explore his reality so that he could make informed decisions about his own life. After he stopped talking, we ate in silence. A long and very uncomfortable pause ensued, and I could tell he was starting to get uncomfortable. “You're not ready,” I said. My intention was not to judge him, but rather to shock his ignition and get him thinking.

He immediately became defensive. "What do you mean I am not ready?" he said. Immediately, he launched into his list of accomplishments once again. I let him go on until it seemed he was out of breath. When he finished I said, “You have all the WHAT you need. You have all of your individual contributions. You have shown your skill and capability. I think you might be missing the HOW.”

“What Do You Mean by the How?” He Asked.

I turned to one of my favorite modern-day philosophers, Parker J. Palmer, who wrote, “I now know myself to be a person of weakness and strength, liability and giftedness, darkness and light. I now know that to be whole means to reject none of it, but to embrace all of it.”

My young friend was still trying to embrace all of his strengths as an individual contributor. He was still selling to himself the idea that these attributes were enough for him to lead others.

He was also not being completely honest with himself or in his description of his accomplishments. He was grandstanding, and frankly, it made me uncomfortable just listening to it.

So I asked him, “Would you tell me about a time when you worked on a project that did not succeed?” Long silence again. I could tell he was stuck.

The thinking in his head must have been like a game of chess, calculating his next best move: “If I tell him about an unsuccessful project then I admit failure and that looks bad, but if I don’t tell him anything then I look arrogant and that looks bad, too.” I could see the thoughts rolling around in his head like a pair of dice being shaken just before being jettisoned in a game of Craps. I interjected, "You see, what Palmer is saying is that you have to know your whole self. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Until you are ready to embrace your weaknesses, I don’t think you are ready to lead. Begin to think about HOW you accomplished your work, then frame your story around that.”

My Morning Reflection

Many of you know that I try to spend my mornings in quiet reflection and meditation prior to starting my day. Many days I will do some type of scripture reading to accompany this reflection. I love it when the topic of my reflection shows up later in my day. The day of the above conversation was such a day.

Prior to my talk with this young leader, my quiet meditation had been on the story of Moses. When I think of Moses, I cannot help but think of the Charleston Heston caricature in the movie The 10 Commandments. In my mental picture, Moses is standing on the rock, staff held overhead, as the wind and clouds swirl around him and the Red Sea in front of him splits open like a zipper separating two sides of a jacket. Powerful, in control, strong, mighty….Moses.

However, my study that morning showed a different side of the biblical character. God is having a conversation with Moses trying to convince him that he is the guy to lead the Hebrew people out of slavery. Moses, who had been raised as the son of an Egyptian Pharaoh, felt self-righteous enough as a young man to kill an Egyptian and vindicate a fellow Hebrew. Rather than face the conflict of what he had done, he ran from that life to be a shepherd - a bit of a nomad in the wilderness. Forty years later, Moses encounters God in a burning bush. God says he wants Moses to go and lead the Hebrew people out of Egypt. Moses’s reply is so classic, “Who am I?"

According to Dr. Ken Boa, this question revealed a radical change in Moses, from radical impulsive youth to a middle-aged man feeling inadequate for the task. Moses had come to grips with the totality of his humanity, from knowledge of his strengths to understanding the depth of his weakness.

This level of self-knowledge is what Palmer calls “embracing one's wholeness." It is this wholeness that allows a leader to balance their strengths and weaknesses, their confidence and self-assurance, along with empathy and compassion.

Self-Regard: The Ability to Respect and Accept Yourself.

Essentially, self-regard involves liking yourself the way you are. This competency ensures the leader has enough self-confidence that others would want to follow. That his/her self-worth is balanced with enough empathy that the leader is going to be able to get through good times and bad.

Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." People who have positive self-regard have a real sense of identity and work to overcome feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

In order to lead others, you must have enough confidence to lead yourself. Then, you must have enough empathy to realize that leadership is not about your identity, but your relationships with your followers that matter.

Appreciate your positive qualities, and accept your limitations. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Learn to like yourself, “warts and all.” After all, if you don’t, why should they?

Reflection Question: What value would it provide for you to understand your strengths, and what would it feel like for you to embrace your weaknesses?

Is It Too Late to Restart My Goals for This Year?

We are almost halfway through the year! Time flies. How are you doing with the goals you set earlier this year? Have you accomplished them or have you gotten off track? It’s not uncommon for people to not want to review their goals, especially if they know they have not made the progress they hoped for. The feeling of discouragement can become overwhelming when we see a lack of progress and know we aren't where we had hoped to be by now when the goal was originally set.

In January, you set your goals for the new year. Let's say you wanted to exercise three days a week for an hour. This goal is like getting on an airplane. You are all buckled in your seat and ready for take-off. You know the goal. It is written down and you feel comfortable with where you are going.

The plane starts down the runway, shakes, and surges as it gains speed. All of a sudden, it is February. You likely have taken a couple of steps toward goal attainment. You are gaining speed and you can feel the inertia of the plane starting to lift off. In regard to your goal, maybe you called around to see what gym would best fit your needs. You went out and bought new exercise clothes and maybe some shoes. The feeling and speed of the change felt good.

Then comes March. The plane reaches 30,000 feet, the seatbelt sign comes off, and the plane levels out, and the exercise doldrums set in. You no longer feel the rush of take-off. You no longer can sense the speed of the plane. This is when goal attainment becomes difficult. When it feels like you are not making any progress at all.

The Feeling Is Not Real

The interesting thing to me is the lie our emotions give us in this context. While the positive “dopamine” feeling of starting something new may be gone, the important thing to realize is that the plane is still going 450 miles an hour, even though you can’t feel it. You are still moving. You are still experiencing progress. Even though half of the year is gone and we have said goodbye to March, April, and soon May, YOU are still flying. Realize your plane is in the air. You have not crashed. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!

Instead of assuming that you are way off track and that you've already failed, step back and look at your goal objectively.

Is It a S-M-A-R-T Goal?

Most likely you've heard the acronym “SMART” and even used it when setting goals, but it is a helpful tool to check up on your goals or even get to help you get back on track.

• S: Was It Specific? When getting specific with your goal, consider why and how you want to achieve it and not merely the definition of your goal. Perhaps you want to work on developing young leaders. Your “why” might be because your want to prepare them for more responsibility in the future and your “how” will be through professional development workshops or one-on-one mentoring sessions.

• M: Was It Measurable? Are you able to see where you are right now and where you'll end up? If you are not able to track the progress of obtaining the goal along the way, you'll have a hard time seeing if you succeeded in the end or staying motivated along the way.

• A-R: Was It Achievable and Realistic? The A and R in our acronym go hand in hand. When you figure out your goal, how to do it, and its deadline, you have to think about the parameters and circumstances that will make it possible. At this point, something may have come up in the last 6 months that have changed your circumstance and deterred your goal. That's okay. Life happens. Instead of seeing it as a failure or no longer attainable, just think about what changes need to be made to your goal, the plan, or the timeline. Don't be tempted to start from scratch, instead, make less work for yourself by simply re-evaluating and tweaking what's already in progress and then steer it back on track.

• T: Was it Time-bound? Some of you may have set goals that you've already completed. Others might feel the pressure of time ticking away. Use the time as positive pressure to get the work done, not to stress you out. If you feel constrained, give yourself a break and allow yourself more time. If it's a project with a deadline, reach out to your team or manager and see how you can work together to get it completed. Also, consider how you are using your time and what could be distracting you from focusing on your goal? What do you need to implement personally to give yourself more time and focus to achieve this goal?

Most importantly, remember the WHY behind your goal and the reasons that motivated you to set the goal in the first place. Visualize what it will look like for you and your team when that goal is accomplished. Grab a coach or mentor and share with them your SMART goal. Listen to any advice they have for you.

Be encouraged by the progress you have made so far. Keep yourself in the air and land that goal safely on the ground. You still have 6 months!

When Negative Self-Talk Creeps In

Years ago, a good friend of mine, Ken (also an avid reader and commenter on this blog), submitted my name as a speaker for an organization he is affiliated with. He emailed me asking if I would consider giving a talk and facilitating a dialogue on the value of emotional intelligence (EI).

I am always humbled when anyone thinks that I might have something valuable to say when it comes to EI. It is one of my favorite subjects to talk about, and I often use the EQi 2.0 Assessment in training programs I do and almost every coaching client I work with does a self-assessment that shows them what their leadership habits may appear like to others. The next certification program is coming up in June, and you can learn more and register online here.

Now, here is what you need to know about Ken. His job is to serve as a hospice chaplain in Polk County Florida. His request was for me to come and speak to a group of his peers and his boss on the subject of how EI can be of value to a hospital chaplain.

Gulp! I have to admit, the email produced mixed feelings in me. Like I said above, I was humbled, but scared out of my pants as well. Hospice chaplains...really?! While I might know something about EI, my immediate knee-jerk reaction was, I don’t know anything about hospice chaplains!

Then the negative self-talk started to creep in:

• You’re no expert in hospice care.

• What do you know about how to fit EI into their world?

• You have never even studied EI in this context, what if there is no data?

• You are not a very good public speaker.

• Maybe you should call him up and back out.

Am I the only one this happens with? When you are hit with a complex, tension-filled situation what do you do? Do you immediately become filled with fear, anxiety, and self-doubt? How do you stop the negative self-talk from creeping in and taking over your thinking?

Here is a quick and easy method that I use when this happens to me: I use an acronym I call "STOP." It is a four-step method that helps me turn my negative thinking into a more positive and constructive use of my time and energy.

STOP:

S = Stop: Do something to interrupt the cycle of negative thinking.

T = Take a deep breath: Breathing relaxes your tension, releases dopamine, and calms you down to think more clearly.

O = Other focused: Exercise empathy and become curious about what it is like to be in the other person's shoes.

P = Purpose a question: Asking questions can have a calming effect and bring you more into a zone of safety than one of fear.

Here is how the STOP model helped me get rid of the negative thinking and increase my confidence in this situation:

When I first noticed the negative thinking creeping into my mind with the thought, you’re no expert in hospice, I should have taken the time to put this model into effect. Unfortunately, even though I teach this stuff, I got all the way down to, maybe you should call him and back out before I put this into practice.

S = Stop: Psychologists call this pattern interrupt. I noticed the negative thinking and I did something physical to draw attention away from the negative thought. In this case, I was sitting down when I read the email. When I finally noticed the negativity, I stood up. I concentrated on doing something different. Distract yourself away from the source of negativity.

T = Take a deep breath: When I stood up, I took several yoga-style breaths. Focused on bringing my belly button to my spine. I actually could feel myself starting to calm down. This is often when I will also say a prayer, asking God for wisdom as I navigate these treacherous negative waters. I distracted myself from the negativity for a moment. That is the goal of this step.

O = Other Focused: I tried to take the thoughts off of myself and my shortcomings. I put my thoughts onto Ken and his team instead. I began to think, what might they need from a model like emotional intelligence? What value could it bring them? Notice the questions starting to form when I start to turn my thinking from self-referential to other-focused.

P = Purpose a question: I crafted an email back to Ken asking him, what are some common situations that hospital chaplains find themselves in where they need more EI? What had other speakers done that the chaplains found valuable? How had he used EI in his work as a hospice chaplain?

I noticed, then, that my fear and anxiety were dissipating into curiosity. I was moving from a lack of self-consciousness into a state of confidence by focusing on the value I could bring to this group of dedicated servants.

Self-Actualization and Optimism

According to authors Steven J. Stein and Howard E. Book, Emotional Intelligence always exists in balance. This is pretty easy to see when we think about a leader who is very self-confident but lacks any empathy or interpersonal ability. We often put a label on a leader who has this balance of qualities as being someone who is arrogant at best, and a real narcissist on the more clinical side of the psychology.

In my case, I am usually a fairly self-perceptive person. This means that in part, I get a lot of meaning and purpose out of my life and the work I do. This is a real strength for me.

Most of the time I am optimistic, which means I have a positive outlook on the future and am fairly resilient in the face of setbacks. However, this ability can come into question, especially when fear or anxiety enter the stage. My optimism can turn into a negative downward spiral of self-critical thinking.

What I need when I am faced with these fears and anxieties is to balance my self-actualization and my waning level of optimism.

The STOP model helps me to put the brakes on the negative thinking, so I can use all the meaning and purpose I get in my life to teach and coach emotional intelligence, regaining my level of optimism.

I am happy to report that Ken and I scheduled a call to talk about what value EI can bring to the hospice chaplains.

Homework:

Where do fear and anxiety creep into your leadership?

Can you anticipate when these events occur?

When you feel your thoughts going negative, try using the STOP model to see if it can bring you back into emotional balance.

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Answer Just One Question to Access Your Emotional Intelligence

I saw an article one day in my online news feed. It had a catchy title, something that really caught my eye regarding the “COVID fog" people are experiencing after they got over the virus. I clicked on it to explore what the author had to say about the topic, and about 4 minutes into the read, the curiosity that caused me to open it still had not been satisfied.  I had to spend 7 minutes to get to the main point, the reason I wanted to read the post in the first place. It was very frustrating. 

I just wanted to know what the title of the article had promised to deliver, which should have taken about 45 seconds, not 7 minutes. I get the whole advertising business model that drives this kind of writing, but frankly, I find it very annoying! Actually, I HATE it!

So, because that tactic annoys me so much, here is the one question I promised you in the title of the article. (I timed it...you’re about 45 seconds into the reading so far…)

Which of the following statements best describes when a leader is being emotional?

1. Their reactions tend to be knee-jerk, or not well thought through.

2. They snap in anger when something isn't right.

3. They say to themselves, "I am so stupid, why did I do that?”

4. They yell when tension is high to get their point across.

5. They are overly confident in their position even when the facts show there is good reason to question.

6. The overly optimistic way they present themselves doesn't fit the reality of the situation.

7. All of the above.

At this point, I hope the answer is obvious. All of these answers show that there is a fine line between expressing emotion and being emotional. I hope you take a deep breath and think about that line before you read on. 

Perhaps even pull out a sheet of paper and a pen, then spend a few moments journaling what you are thinking about this one-question quiz. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back.

I am really interested in what you think about the difference between showing emotional intelligence and being emotional.

The Underlying Philosophy 

Since all of the thoughts we as humans have come with an emotion attached, then really what exists is a range of emotion attached to any thought. The person who goes into a meeting with a "poker face" thinking that they will not express emotion on a topic is actually giving those they are interacting with within the room some type of clue as to where they stand. “At ease” is just the opposite end of the “glad” emotional expression range from “ecstatic”, just like “bothered” is the low end of the “mad” emotional expression range from “furious.”

So, if all our thoughts and behaviors have some emotional component to them, then the question to me becomes, how do I pick the right emotion to fit the moment?

To put it another way, How do I display emotion without being emotional?

 The Real Answer To the Question 

The primary idea of being emotionally intelligent is knowing when to display the right emotion, at the right time, for the right context. If you get it right, then that shows intelligence. If you get it wrong, then maybe not so much intelligence.

How does a leader:

1. Not give knee-jerk responses?

   • They balance their lack of impulse control with empathy. Show care and compassion for the other person's needs, not the immediate gratification of your own.

2. Not become angry when something isn't right?

   • They balance their lack of emotional self-awareness with Interpersonal relationships. Prioritize the mutual satisfaction of the relationship over your own selfishness.

3. Not talk down to themselves?

   • They balance the lack of self-regard with optimism. Practice positive self-talk and stop seeing failure as an outcome.

4. Not yell to get a point across?

   • They balance assertiveness with emotional flexibility. Find a different emotion on the “Mad Scale”, substituting irritated for furious.

5. Display overconfidence in a position?

   • They balance their strong “self-actualization“ needs with “reality testing”. This is done by taking a pause and being curious about facts rather than fixating on a position.

I think you get the idea. If a leader is being emotional, then the idea is to strengthen another emotional competency. If the leader is prone to an overly optimistic explanatory style, then strengthening the competency of reality testing will create the needed balance.

I compare this to a weightlifter who wants to get their body into condition. The lifter just loves to do arms, focusing all the development efforts on building biceps and triceps. They go into the gym every day and all they do is lift as much weight as they can with their arms. After a while, the arms look really strong. However, without giving some attention to strengthening the legs, the body isn't really in condition.

The same is true for emotionally intelligent leaders. The key is balance. The real signature to the emotionally intelligent leader is not how much confidence they have, what great relationships they have, or even how compassionate they are. Emotionally Intelligent leaders need balance to effectively lead a group of followers in a healthy and meaningful way.

The 7-Minute Point.

I figured I don't ever have to bury the lead in my blogging because I don't advertise. I don't sell ads and I never will. I don't write for revenue. I write my articles for all of you., to stimulate thinking on the topic I am most passionate about - Organizational Leadership. So if you hate ads too in your own personal blogosphere, then why not pass this post on to a few people you think might enjoy it? Feel free to share with confidence, because we will never sell to them!

Now some of you are saying, there is no way that you can assess someone's emotional intelligence with just one question. Most models for assessing emotional and social functioning are built upon multiple constructs such as Self-Awareness, Emotional Expression, Interpersonal Relationships, Stress-Management, and Problem-Solving.

So how could it be possible, with just one question, to ascertain your emotional intelligence? After all, most assessments for this leadership trait have at least 100 questions that will give you an answer to this question. I completely understand the argument that the details and intricacies of each of these domains are so nuanced and complex that you need questions that come at each of them from multiple perspectives to access a person's skill in any particular domain.

All of the very detailed complexities of assessing a person's emotional intelligence do require distinguishing lenses to give perspective as to how a leader might generally show up. If a "score" is going to be given for a particular trait such as Emotional Flexibility then I totally agree that you need several, if not many, questions to give a numeric level of ability.

However, in the crucible of leadership, when the pressure is really on you do you have the time or the mental resources to stop and think about the skill level of your Emotional Flexibility? I think not. And that is only one of 15 or more competencies in the area of emotional intelligence that you would have to assess to determine your overall emotional intelligence and how the skills are serving you in any particular moment.

The emotional component is too complex to really deal with at any given moment. Most of us have things we are really strong with, such as our self-regard or optimism. These serve you well most of the time. 

The question I started asking myself is this, "Are there times when my emotional intelligence strength is overplayed?" The answer for most of us is a resounding yes. 

If the person who is so empathic doesn't balance it with ensuring that relationships are mutually satisfying, they will at some point burn out. It is inevitable.

If as leaders we can ask ourselves this one question, then perhaps we will gain more enhanced followers. Then we could turn around as leaders and know that the people who are following us really want to be there.

After all, isn't that the point?

5 Ways to Work With a Difficult Boss

I got a call last week from an old friend. After we exchanged some pleasantries about our families, the reason for his call came quickly.

“Hey Scott, I have been reading your leadership blog for several years now and I was wondering if I could ask you a question. We just did a reorganization at work and I got a new boss. I connected well with my previous supervisor but this new one is off to a rocky start. Wondering if you have any tips?”

After asking if my friend had experienced rough starts with other supervisors in the past, and getting a “not really” response, I started thinking about how it feels to work with difficult people.  

The first thing that clients I have had in the past want me to focus on is changing the other person, in this case, my old friend’s boss. Since I am not working with the old friend’s new boss, the odds of me invoking any kind of advice to change that person is slim to none. 

What we can work on, however, is how my old friend is responding to his new boss. Here are the things we talked about that day:

5 Ways to Work With a Difficult Boss

1. Maintain Long-term Focus: It is so easy for us to get caught up in the emotion of the moment. All of the frustration and anxiety that can come from a new relationship can seem paralyzing. Keep in mind that the supervisor you had prior to this one took time for the relationship to develop. Even if it started off on a good foot, relationships take time to evolve. So if this relationship gets off to a rocky start make sure to keep a long-term perspective. When I asked how long my friend had worked for the previous manager he said about 2 years, which is about how long he has worked for anyone over the last 20 years at the company. Supervisors tend to be temporary, and very few work relationships last forever. 

2. Find and Convey the Good: When we have irregular people in our lives (those that are hard for us to connect with), it is really easy for us to focus on all the negative things. Focusing on the negative does one thing, it forces us to only look at all the bad. A simple recognition of what is not going so well is ok and something to process with a coach or trusted advisor. But dwelling on what is negative is not helpful in the long run. So make a list of all the positive things the new boss is bringing to the table and do the best you can to focus on those. 

3. Have a Spirit of Acceptance. There are many reasons that a relationship with a boss might get off to a rocky start. Very rarely, the reason is that the boss is innately evil. While I always want to give space in a relationship for moral hazard, most of the time the new boss just wants to win, maybe they have been told to shake things up, or they have strong preferences based on their past experiences. Whatever the reason is for how the new boss is behaving, as long as it is not immoral or illegal, you can try to approach them with a spirit of accepting them for who they are…warts and all. I try to keep in mind that the new boss is checking me out as well and I might have a few warts myself.  Sometimes all a boss needs from us is to connect with them without judgment.

4. Set some clear boundaries for yourself. It is very true that you might not be able to control or change the other person but you can always control your own actions. According to John Townsend in his book The Hiding Dilemma, “People with healthy boundaries can say yes to the good and no to the bad.” The person who is saying yes to someone else’s demands out of fear is setting themselves up for failure. Plan what you can say yes to and what crosses the line in your mind that you must say no.  Resist the temptation to just say yes to try and please them or get on their good side. As you plan your boundaries, keep in mind what you are willing to do in certain situations and what you are not willing to do.

5. Stay Open and Curious. If a relationship is tense from the start, our natural inclination is to protect ourselves and fight. None of us wants to get hurt in a relationship or get sideways with a boss especially if we really enjoy our work. According to Edgar Schein, if you practice “Humble Inquiry” you will stimulate more truth-telling and collaboration.  By staying humble in your own character and curious about what might be going on you can stay out of judgment and see more clearly what the boss is all about.

Your Development

From time to time we are all going to work with people, who are for whatever reason, tough for us to process. Here is a case study for you to write about yourself to help you see how you might strive to improve the relationship. Remember you are the one sensing the tension. You are the one who may have to flex and find a new approach.

• Think about a conversation or situation with a boss that went very well.

• Now think about a situation or conversation with a boss that did not go well.

• Compare your Thinking, Feelings, and Behavior in each circumstance. Use the chart below to guide your thoughts:

As you study the chart above, what are you learning about yourself and your approach to working with people who are more difficult for you to relate to?

Patience and Urgency - Part 3

I hope you are enjoying this series on how you can be both patient and have a sense of urgency at the same time.  Last week I included three coaching strategies related to how you can become more patient in your life as a leader. If you missed the post, you can read it here, and the introduction to the series here. This week I will be focusing on how you can answer this question by getting comfortable with change.

Turn and Face the Change

I had a coaching kick-off meeting this morning with a brand new coaching client. Anytime I have a meeting like this, the first thing I explain to the leader and their supervisor is that they are going to be growing as a leader through the experience of coaching. The next thing I say is, “And growth is uncomfortable. That is okay though, because if we feel different, that is a sign we are growing”.

Then I pause for effect.

Then I ask, “Are you OK with being uncomfortable”? 

Most of the time, my new clients tell me that yes, they are ready to grow! Or they say something like “I am really looking forward to the experience”. 

While both of these might be true, they still do not really answer the question.

I want you to stop for a minute and really think. If I asked you to incorporate a change in how you are leading your team right now, that this change in behavior is going to require you to do something different, and it is going to make you uncomfortable at first, would you be okay with being uncomfortable?

I will speak for myself at this point and say, “NO, I am not okay being uncomfortable!”

Who is? None of us likes to be uncomfortable.

However we all know that with this feeling comes the growth we desire.

Case in Point

For the past 6 years I have been a big fan of working out at OrangeTheory Fitness. Earlier this morning, I completed an hour-long workout that included 20 minutes of inclines on a treadmill and frankly it was uncomfortable. Our trainer Dani kept giving us words of encouragement like, “I know this is hard, but you didn’t come in here to stay the same. You came in here to change.” (At least that is what I heard, because honestly I was so uncomfortable I had a hard time focusing on exactly what her words were!)

As we develop ourselves as leaders we have to connect with this idea that our growth is going to be uncomfortable. When we are comfortable with wherever we are, we can develop natural resistances to change. This resistance to change or familiarity with the status quo has at its base some underlying emotions. 

If you pay attention to these emotions, they are telling you something. When Dani told us about the treadmill portion of our workout she said, “Don’t be afraid of the hills! You will finish this and you will be better on the other side.” 

What Dani was calling to our attention was the fact that we could expect change. And that this change was going to be uncomfortable. Also that our emotions could be telling us to not jump into the change. But instead of paying attention to these emotional resistors, we should engage in emotions that lead to acceptance of the change. 

I have included a chart below of some common emotional resistors and the accompanying emotions that lead to acceptance. 

Changing to be Patient

As you reflect on a change you may want to make in your leadership life, anticipate these emotions. For example, you may want to write a plan so that you can become more patient, but then you start to feel anxious and you begin to argue with yourself. This is when you can say to yourself, “I might feel anxious right now, but I am going to choose to feel satisfied as I write my plan to overcome.” 

My encouragement for you as a leader is to embrace the feeling of being uncomfortable as you grow. Then as you feel the resistance, step into it and turn it around so that the feeling becomes positive and encouraging. As you do this, celebrate the fact that your emotions were telling you to stay where you were, but you were able to overcome them and be the leader you desire to be.

Next week I will finish up the series by integrating our previous discussions on developing patience with the idea of having urgency.

Patience and Urgency - Part 1

I received an interesting email from a leader last week asking me if I take requests for blog topics. I wrote back to her and let her know, YES I love it when folks engage and are looking for tips or tricks to enhance their leadership life. The question was so well-formed that I asked her for permission to quote it. 

I love leaders who care about their organizations! I really get the sense that this leader both wants to personally be brought into what senior leadership is seeing and cares enough to wrestle with such difficult questions.  

As a leader, if someone in your organization wants to go to lunch or grab a virtual coffee and ask a question like this, I think you should find a way to give them a raise. I have worked alongside too many folks who would just throw their hands up in the air and cast blame on the organization for the lack of productivity. What I love about this question is that there is no blame here, just a leader seeking to contribute. 

The Question

Her question was:

“If you're taking requests, how about something on patience with organizational readiness during times of change?

Lately, we have received several calls to action from senior leadership that incremental changes are not enough...we must make big changes (and in a relatively short time frame).

Oh, and all of this is supposed to occur in a matrix organization devoid of hierarchy.   I find that I struggle to find patience when we identify high-impact opportunities (to do things better, faster, more cost-effectively) that, in reality, will still take 6-18 months to persuade all the affected stakeholders to even START.  No tears or anger, just a lack of productivity.”

I am going to dissect the question as a series, a multi-week post. I am particularly intrigued by this question because at its core, the organization seems to be asking for two different things. Not only are there multiple requests, but they also seem like they are polar opposites.

Patience…………………………….and…………………………………….Urgency

How can we have patience and urgency at the same time? 

On the surface, these attributes seem to be time responses to the same trigger. And in some sense they are. 

When faced with dilemmas like this, I like to separate out the attributes and see if they really are on the same linear plane. Are they really polar opposites?  If we separate the attributes and put each on its own line, can we find any new or interesting ways to look at the problem?

My good friend and organizational change expert Dr. Drew Boyd, writer of Inside the Box Thinking would probably call this “division”. You see, Drew maintains that innovation does not come from what we do not know, but from what we do. So if we give our problem a new definition, we might learn from it. So I did the following:

Patience…………….

And 

Urgency……………

As soon as I wrote the problem on two different lines, the thought came to me that we are likely talking about two different things entirely.  I went back and read the email that my leader friend wrote to me and saw the problem anew. Here is what I am now seeing:

Individual Patience

And

Organizational Urgency

If we put each of these on some sort of linear graphic it could look something like this:

Individual Patience……….and…….Individual Impulsiveness

Organizational Urgency…and……Organizational Stagnation

What this graphic representation does for me is it helps me see how I need strategies for both myself and the organization. The problem with leaving the attributes on the same line is that my brain sees them as the same thing and if I have emotion about them, one will spill over into the other.

By separating out the issues, I can gain clarity and formulate a plan. So now that the question is clearer I can search for better answers to both of these problems.

How can I be more patient?

How can I help the organization gain a sense of urgency?

Next week, in part two, I am going to answer both of these questions and give some tips and strategies that leaders can use in their everyday practice. 

Until next week, I have an assignment for you:

Sit for 15 minutes each day with your journal and reflect on how you can be more patient. 

I really want you to try this. Don’t do anything else while you do this exercise (well maybe have a cup of coffee or hot tea). Just sit quietly with no radio or distractions on and write what it feels like for you to be patient.

If you do this exercise for a day or two, I would love it if you would write a comment below and let me know what the experience was like for you.

To Be a Wise Leader You Need...

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been sharing some thoughts on connecting wisdom and leadership. If you missed those blog posts you can read them here and here. 

King Solomon, said to be the wisest person to ever live, has been the main character we’ve used as an example of what it means to be a wise leader.

One of the cautions that we as leaders need to recognize is that we can start to get full of ourselves. If we are not careful, we start to believe the press that is written about us: 

• Hard worker

• Smart

• Excellent with people

• Good salary with nice bonus checks

• Dedicated and loyal

These things may actually be true, but when you get this kind of feedback it can start to go to your head.

Queen of the South

King Solomon had this same experience. Things were going really well for him:

• He gave orders to build the temple on Mount Moriah

• He had been blessed by God with wisdom

• People liked him

• He was very rich

• He was dedicated to the people he served

Then one day, Solomon had a visitor, the Queen of Sheba. She had heard about Solomon’s fame and wanted to test him to see if he was as great of a leader as she had heard.  They scheduled a meeting and talked; Solomon answered all her questions and she got to observe firsthand the wisdom he had obtained. 

The Queen says to Solomon,

“The report I heard in my own country about your achievements and your wisdom is true. But I did not believe what they said until I came and saw it with my own eyes. Indeed, not even half of the greatness of your wisdom was told to me. You have far exceeded the report I heard.”

-2 Chronicles 9:5

Can we just sit in that feedback for a minute? How cool would it be if someone from another company requested a meeting with you because they had heard of your reputation, and after you met they say that you are even twice as good as they had expected? Wouldn’t you walk out of that room feeling like Muhammad Ali or Tom Brady…some of the “Greatest of All Time” athletes?

Solomon Knew the Danger

So what is the danger of this kind of recognition from others? You are the greatest, you are the smartest, you are the fastest, you are the best, you are all that and a bag of chips (as my daddy used to say)?

I think the real danger is that you may start to believe it! 

Solomon knew this too because he penned a proverb cautioning against believing all of this about yourself:

“It is not good to eat too much honey, Nor is it honorable to search out one's own honor.”

- Proverbs 25:27

I wonder if it is because of his interaction with the Queen of Sheba that he doesn’t pen different words. I could see Solomon after his meeting with the queen, sitting with his journal at the end of a long day writing something like:

“Honey sure tastes good. And I have heard from the doctors around town that it is good for you. However, if you eat too much of it, it is not so good for you. In fact, instead of being delicious, it can make you really sick. Giving yourself too much credit is a lot like this. It is ok to have a little bit, but if you spend all your time thinking about and telling others how great you are, that makes others sick and it isn’t good for you either.”

Solomon says that searching for one's own honor is like eating too much honey. In the long run, it isn’t good for you.  In other words, too much of a good thing just might make you sick. 

Honor is something that naturally follows a job well done. I am in no way saying that as a leader you should not recognize others for a job well done. I personally believe that leaders who do a great job will get all of the honor they need and deserve. 

Just be careful that you are not seeking this honor out for yourself. Focusing on this honor can take a leader into a bad place. One leader I know put it this way,

“I have a person on my team who I am surprised that he does not break his own arm patting himself on the back.” 

Remedy for the Danger of Self-Promotion

While we all want to work with very confident leaders, too much of a good thing, like self-confidence, can start to rub people the wrong way. Humility, according to Dr. Edgar Schein in its most general sense, refers to granting someone else a higher status than one claims for oneself. 

This idea of basic humility is really all about granting status to others. It is about recognizing the innate value that other people bring to the table. This basic humility allows a leader to recognize others for who they are and what they do.

There is another deeper level of humility that is good for leaders to consider. This is the concept of epistemic humility. This is where a leader is able to recognize their own personal limits in knowledge, reflect analytically on social problems, have an understanding of the limitations of human experience, preserve in wrestling with intellectual challenges, and take the perspective of others. 

The idea of epistemic humility goes beyond the recognition of others into the realm of self-examination, self-truth telling, and being able to see others' perspectives. This kind of humility calls on a leader to self-regulate, self-depreciate, and truly value what others are seeing.

I am curious how you might see yourself in relation to the story of Solomon? Most of you that read these posts are very successful. You could easily fall into the trap of asking yourself “What about me?”. Think now, how do you use humility as a counterbalance to keep your own self-confidence from running out of control?

Would You Choose Wisdom?

In last week's post, I mentioned an opportunity that King Solomon was presented with as a leader. If you missed it, you can read that post here. In short, the story from the book of Ecclesiastes describes how God shows up in Solomon's dream and tells him to ask for any one thing and God will give it to him.

Fully acknowledging this is happening to Solomon in a dream, I find the story to be one of gripping drama, and the choice that King Solomon was faced with is fascinating. Here is a quick recap:

God shows up to a sleeping Solomon and says, “Ask for anything and I will give it to you.”

I think Solomon has to be thinking along the lines of: 

“This is cool! I have to get this one right! This is big. Maybe I should create a list of options…”

• I need a new chariot

• My marriage isn't going so great

• I have just seen the doctor and the news wasn't so good

• My kids have lost all respect for me

• My kingdom has a history of revolting against its leadership

• I have enemies on every side of my land

• My army is a lot smaller compared to all my enemies

• My land is prone to drought, and there are a lot of people to feed

Let’s stop there for a moment and put ourselves in Solomon's place. Pretend that God, who by definition is all-knowing, all-powerful, is always everywhere, and can do whatever is desired, is saying to you, "Ask me for anything and I will give it to you."

While you ruminate on that question, I have some additional thoughts for you to ponder.

Why Wisdom?

As you consider King Solomon’s list of options, you can begin to understand the gravity of the question he faced. I am sure as you are thinking about your own request of God, you might be thinking, “This IS big.”

It is very big. Especially if you are a leader. And most of you who read this lead others. 

Some of you lead organizations, others of you lead teams, others lead churches, and some of you have the responsibility of a family. No matter what your leadership level is, this can be a difficult question to answer, "If I could have one thing in my life, what would it be?"

I think somehow Solomon must have realized that how he answered this question would likely impact the rest of his life on earth and maybe even impact him beyond his earthly life. I don't mean to over dramatize the point,...but how can I not?

I can almost feel the tension Solomon may have had in his dream..."Think, think! before God changes his mind, what should I ask for?"

It is possible that Solomon wasn’t quite as confused as I am  while contemplating that question. Perhaps Solomon was a more reflective leader and had read a lot of blog posts on leadership, so he had spent some time thinking about questions like this. Or maybe he even worked with an Executive Coach who asked him similar questions to prepare him for this very moment. Who knows?

What we do know is that no matter the level of drama associated with the decision, Solomon asks for wisdom.

On the surface, this is a curious choice. 

Most of us have  some concept of what wisdom is, but if we are honest, it is not something we think as much about these days. Prior to reading these recent blog posts, when was the last time you even thought about the concept of wisdom?

While there is not one agreed-upon definition for wisdom in any of the scholarly leadership literature I have read, I do think there are some thoughts that are quite insightful as we begin our thinking about this important leadership attribute:

Most perspectives on wisdom view it as an expert knowledge system that concerns the fundamental pragmatics of life. (Baltes)

• Another perspective is that wisdom is a skillful application of the practical truth to ordinary facets of life that extend beyond information and knowledge. (Dr. Ken Boa)

• Yet another view is that wisdom is perceived as exhibiting two categories of attributes: exceptional understanding and attributes of judgment and communication. (Holiday 7 Chandler)

• Wisdom is a capacity to put into action the most appropriate behavior by considering what is known and what does the most good. (Rowley)

• Recently an affective component to wisdom has been added that includes Emotional Management as a key to leaders being able to display wisdom.

Is there anything we can glean from these 5 perspectives that might inform us on how we see wisdom? It entails some level of expertise:

• The skillful application of practical truth

• Often what is needed is beyond our own level of information and knowledge

• Leaders are faced everyday with not only what needs to be decided and communicated, but HOW this needs to be done

• Some level of emotional management and tolerance of stress is indicated for good judgment and decision-making

• As leaders, our judgments impact not only ourselves but many others in our organizations.

So, why wisdom? 

Why then as a leader did Solomon choose wisdom over anything else?

Perhaps there are two reasons, one a bit self-centered and the other focused on more of a greater good:

1. My dissertation chair, Dr. Very Ludden, was famous for saying that leaders require wisdom in decision-making to avoid taking foolish actions. No one wants to look foolish. No leader I know wants to take their team down a path of wasteful folly.

2. A leader's actions are all about the sound judgment that without wisdom, are filled with distractions and temptations.

I think that somehow, Solomon had the ability to look at his list of options and see a connection. Solomon had many problems and issues he faced. Some personal, some organizational, some from external forces. I think Solomon knew that what he needed was an attribute that would help him across all facets of his life.

He knew that it was wisdom that would give him the ability to help reconcile his need to be seen as a leader by others with the external needs of creating followership by those in his kingdom and respect from those outside his kingdom.

How about you? Now that you have had some time to reflect on the question, what would you ask for if you could have just one thing? 

Success? Power? Influence? Riches? Love? Respect?

Wisdom?

I hope you will ponder this question for yourself. And, as long as you are pondering, why not ask? You never know what might happen…

2 Minute Read to Improve Your 2022 Vision

When I was a kid my mom would tell me I needed to eat more carrots to improve my vision. If I wanted to be able to see with clarity, her wisdom of the time was for me to crunch on a few orange root sticks. Mom’s advice, while heartfelt and well-meaning, did not ultimately keep me from becoming farsighted and needing sight correction to be able to see clearly.

Many of us will get well-meaning advice as we approach the new year, reading and listening to experts drone on and on about goal setting and how you must have a goal if you want to accomplish anything.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with setting a goal, it can be a bit meaningless if not aligned with the vision of who you want to be as a leader. 

Envision Your Future You As A Leader

As the calendar changes from 2021 many of us will begin tithing about what we want to accomplish in 2022. Most of us will make some kind of resolution to make a change as the new year rolls in.

A resolution is “a firm decision to do or not do something”.

Like you, In the past I have made many types of New Year’s Resolutions:

• Personal: Eat right, exercise more, and lose 10 pounds

• Professional: Increase sales by 20% by becoming more customer-centric

• Family: Become a better listener when talking with my wife

• Spiritual: Read through the Bible in a year

All good stuff. I am sure many of you are making resolutions and talking with your friends and family about them over the next few days.

I thought I might challenge you to add a category this year. In addition to your personal, professional, family, and spiritual resolutions, think about a resolution to improve your leadership. Envision yourself becoming the leader you want to be in the future.

Leadership

Here are 10 ideas to get your thinking started on what you could resolve to do or not do in 2022 when it comes to your leadership.  I pulled this list from some of our more popular blog posts we have done over the years.

1. Reflect on being a great leader and what is keeping you from being great.  Who among us doesn’t want to be seen as a great leader? And yet, so many of us have some barrier that we just don’t want to see or do anything about. 

2. Work on your values before your vision.

3. Spend less time working and more time thinking. This idea runs counter culture to our “doing” mentality. Perhaps you need to work less and think more to enhance your ability to lead. 

4. If you were a brand (like Kleenex or Toyota), what would your value proposition be?

5. Who in your organization do you need to network with. 

6. What piece of FeedForward advice do you need to seek out? In our organizations we are so good at feedback. We just love telling people what we observed them doing.  Why not start a culture of FeedForward? Perhaps we could all get a little better at offering some solutions in addition to what we see in others that we don’t like. 

7. What cycle of negative thinking will you break this year?

8. How are you resting in the middle of your work day? Studies are showing how important rest is for leaders to maintain their effectiveness. How are you cycling your work to maximize your performance?

9. Take your emotional intelligence temperature. Are you able to choose how you react or are you “slave” to your knee jerk reactions?

10. Whatever change you make, put a plan in place to sustain it and get some coaching to keep you accountable.

I am looking forward to being with you on your leadership journey. If there are subjects you would like tackled on these pages just drop me a line. i am happy to do the research and write about what interests you.

My prayer for you is that you have a productive and effective leadership year.

Blessings to you and your families.

PS. If you know someone who might be interested in growing as a leader, why not forward them this blog and have them sign up? It’s free and easy and we guarantee they will gets tons of value.