Is It Too Late To Restart My Goals for the Year?

How are you doing with the goals you set earlier in the year? Have you accomplished them or have you gotten off track? It’s not uncommon for people to not want to review their goals, especially if they know they have not made the progress they hoped for. The feeling of discouragement can become overwhelming when we see a lack of progress and know we aren't where we had hoped to be by now when the goal was originally set.

In January, you set your goals for the new year. Let's say you wanted to exercise three days a week for an hour. This goal is like getting on an airplane. You are all buckled in your seat and ready for take-off. You know the goal. It is written down and you feel comfortable with where you are going.

The plane starts down the runway, shakes, and surges as it gains speed. All of a sudden, it is February. You likely have taken a couple of steps toward goal attainment. You are gaining speed and you can feel the inertia of the plane starting to lift off. In regard to your goal, maybe you called around to see what gym would best fit your needs. You went out and bought new exercise clothes and maybe some shoes. The feeling and speed of the change feels good.

Then comes March. The plane reaches 30,000 feet, the seatbelt sign comes off, and the plane levels out, and the exercise doldrums set in. You no longer feel the rush of take-off. You no longer can sense the speed of the plane. This is when goal attainment becomes difficult. When it feels like you are not making any progress at all.

THE FEELING IS NOT REAL

The interesting thing to me is the lie our emotions give us in this context. While the positive “dopamine” feeling of starting something new may be gone, the important thing to realize is that the plane is still going 450 miles an hour, even though you can’t feel it. You are still moving. You are still experiencing progress. Even though Q2 is gone and we have said goodbye to May, June, and July YOU are still flying. Realize your plane is in the air. You have not crashed. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!

Instead of assuming that you are way off track and that you've already failed, step back and look at your goal objectively.

Is it a SMART goal?

Most likely you've heard this acronym, and even used it when setting goals, but it is a helpful tool to check up on your goals or even get back on track.

• Was it Specific? When getting specific with your goal, consider why and how you want to achieve it and not merely the definition of your goal. Perhaps you want to work on developing young leaders. Your why might be because your want to prepare them for more responsibility in the future and your how will be through professional development workshops or one-on-one mentoring sessions.

• Was it Measurable? Are you able to see where you are right now and where you'll end up? If you are not able to track the progress of obtaining the goal along the way, you'll have a hard time seeing if you succeeded in the end or stay motivated along the way.

• Was it Achievable and Realistic? The A and R in our acronym go hand in hand. When you figure out your goal, how to do it, and its deadline, you have to think about the parameters and circumstances that will make it possible. At this point, something may have come up in the last 6 months that have changed your circumstance and deterred your goal. That's okay. Life happens. Instead of seeing it as a failure or no longer attainable, just think about what changes need to be made to your goal, the plan, or the timeline. Don't be tempted to start from scratch, instead, make less work for yourself by simply re-evaluating and tweaking what's already in progress and steer it back on track.

• Was it Time-bound? Some of you may have set goals that you've already completed. Others might feel the pressure of the time ticking away. Use the time as positive pressure to get the work done, not to stress you out. If you feel constrained, give yourself a break and allow yourself more time. If it's a project with a deadline, reach out to your team or manager and see how you can work together to get it completed. Also, consider how you are using your time and what could be distracting you from focusing on your goal. What do you need to implement personally to give yourself time and focus to achieve this goal?

Most importantly, remember the why behind your goal and the reasons that motivated you to set the goal in the first place. Visualize what it will look like for you and your team when that goal is accomplished. Grab a coach or mentor and share with them your SMART goal. Listen to any advice they have for you.

Be encouraged by the progress you have made so far. Keep yourself in the air and land that goal safely on the ground.

The Top 3 Emotional Intelligence Mistakes Every Leader Should Avoid

When I first started doing work using a model for emotional intelligence, I assumed every company would have its own set of problems., unique to the industry or the job the person is tasked with. So, I start many of the emotional intelligence workshops I facilitate by asking attendees to jot down some of the biggest interpersonal or decision-making challenges they experience at their company. 

Turns out I was wrong. 

People across all organizations repeatedly make the same kinds of mistakes. It doesn’t matter what industry, the age of the company, or the caliber of employees, there seems to be similar mistakes made across the board.

I think I have facilitated over 250 workshops on emotional intelligence over the past 10 years or so. In every single workshop, I have people write down the characteristics of great leaders and poor leaders. Next, I have them share these characteristics to see which ones tend to occur most often.

For the leaders who end up in the poor leader group, here are the top 3 that surface the most often:

1. They Don’t Listen

It is really amazing when I ask the participants in a workshop who would like to share a characteristic of a poor leader, 100% of the time the first response is…

“They don’t listen.”

I know this is my perception, but if I have done 250 workshops on emotional intelligence, 250 times I have heard “They don’t listen.”

Now, I do not have access to these leaders who my participants say are poor listeners. I don’t even know the names of the people they are thinking about. To tell you the truth, at that moment, I don’t want to know those specifics.

However, if I did have access to these leaders and I was to ask them “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?”  I bet they would say, “At least an 8.”

How do I know?

Because I ask that question of leaders a lot, and very few have rated themselves below average.

What about you?

If I would ask you, “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?

What would you say?

I doubt many of you would say 5 or lower. 

And yet, when I run my classes many of the participants say that poor listening is the number one issue.

The Skill Of Listening

Some of you might be thinking you know what, Scott is right! Leaders in our organization need to learn to listen better! Lets put together a training and teach people how to listen.  

Now before you run off and make that mistake, show some impulse control and slow down a minute.

I don’t think the listening issue in organizations is skill-based, which is what training is meant to provide. My guess is that everyone in your organization knows how to listen. They already have the knowledge and skills, they just do not implement them.

So if it is not a skill issue then what is the problem?

Why is it that on one hand, most leaders think they are pretty good at listening, while it is the attribute that people in the organization think is lacking most?

While the number of reasons is likely vast, what I catch myself doing most often is formulating my response before the person even finishes their sentence. When I am listening the best, I am not working on formulating an opinion of my own. Rather, I am trying to be curious and ask questions.

If you want to be a better listener, become a better question asker.

2. They Lack Empathy

The second most common response to my question regarding the traits of poor leaders is that they lack empathy. 

Empathy is best thought of as an ability to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the thoughts and feelings of others. Empathic people care about others and show interest and concern for them.  It is really an ability to non-judgmentally put into words your understanding of another person’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it or you find that perspective to be ridiculous.

The problem for most leaders who show a lack of empathy is that they are confused by what it is NOT!

First, empathy is not being nice or pleasant all the time. Empathy is hard work, trying to understand what it is that the other person is trying to communicate.

Second, empathy is not sympathy. Empathy has a caring action component associated with it. Sympathy is nothing more than mirroring back the emotion you are feeling. Being empathic involves not only mirroring the emotion but moving beyond it by showing caring and compassionate action. 

There was a lady who was getting on my plane the other day. I think the bag she was pulling behind her to put in the overhead bin weighed at least as much as she did.  If I am sympathetic toward her, I might say, “Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift!” I am sympathetic to the circumstance she is in.

However, if I am empathetic I might say, "Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift, let me help you with that.”  Now, you don’t always have to get in and do something, there are times where you might have to direct the person to do something hard themselves.

Third, leaders feel if they are empathetic then the person will think they agree with them or in some way approving their position. Not so. What empathy does is puts you in conversation to understand why it is that the person feels the way they do and then gives you an opportunity to walk them to your side. Without empathy, what a leader is left with is leaving the person to feel misunderstood or dictated too.

3. They Are Not Present

The third most common thing I hear in my workshops is that when I am with a poor leader I feel like I am not even in the room, or just as bad, they are not in the room.

I guess I just don’t understand why people think the relationship on their phone is more important than the person that is in front of them.  

I know you are working on something really important, or your boss needs a response right away, etc., but I would like you to step back for a moment and reflect.

Really?

That many times in a day?

Really?

What you are communicating with the person in front of you is that they are not important. Period!

No matter what other agenda items you want to come up with, the message the person in front of you is receiving is that they are not important, or at least not as important as whatever else has distracted your attention.

What do you say? Let’s all put our phones away and really be present with the people who are in front of us at the moment.

Well, there you have it. These are the top 3 things I hear from people in my emotional intelligence workshops. I am sure as a leader you would never fall into any of these traps.

Right?

3 AC Ideas for You To Engage and Connect With Your Teams

I admit it. I wasn’t sure I was going to like coming back from my COVID hibernation. 

For the past 14 months or so I have been able to hide behind my computer screen and work remotely, like most of the rest of you. I really enjoyed doing video calls in my shorts, walking into the kitchen for lunch, and easily making my 4:30 afternoon workout at Orange-Theory. It was really nice having coffee on the patio, watching the sun come up, and then having a traffic free commute through my kitchen and into my office. Total time from breakfast to the office was 6 seconds. 

Now, please don’t mistake what my work life was like...I worked my tail off during 2020, maybe harder than ever as I continue to grow the coaching and training that I do. I taught more classes than I ever thought possible thanks to the magic of the video conference. (Thank you, Zoom, you really saved my business!)

That said, I had an amazing past couple of weeks! And now, I am SO ready for 2021 AC (After COVID.  No disrespect intended to those who follow the Anno Domini calendar)

It might sound crazy, but I had the chance over the past week to do a couple of live events with  clients. It was amazing! One talk I did was with a group of around 45 in the morning, then about 50 in the afternoon. Everyone stayed 6 feet apart, wore masks while seated at large round tables with 3 to a table, and bumped elbows instead of shaking hands. Earlier in the week, I did some smaller group settings with the same dynamic - spacing and purposeful face covering. 

Coming Out of Social Hibernation

The energy was amazing at both of these events I described above. That is what I want to focus on today. In no way take my words here as a recommendation to be unsafe. I simply want us to remember that as leaders, we are responsible for bringing our team out of this “social hibernation” we have been in.  

As leaders, we are responsible for influencing the energy in the room. The authors of the book Influence make a bold claim that really deserves consideration. “Learning how to motivate and enable others to change their actions may be the most important skill you’ll ever acquire.” 

I really think this quote deserves some pause and consideration. For example, those on our teams have been used to coming to work with a nice shirt on, but who knows what is happening below the view of the camera on the computer these days?

How we as leaders motivate and inspire to equip change is an important part of how your team responds to your leadership.

It would be easy, and wrong, to assume that people will simply migrate back to the office and everything is going to be just like it was in January 2020 BC (before Covid). 

People have changed. People’s needs have changed. Even what they want out of work is changing!  

I have had several conversations with folks who have insinuated that focusing on their well-being and reducing stress has become more important to them than chasing a carrer rainbow.  Now, that doesn’t mean that career is less important, but it does mean that people are wondering if they can have a great career and also remove stress from their lives.

Enter your role as a leader. 

If you have a business to run and you need talented people to do the work, how we engage and influence may actually be job one for us. I recently read an article in Inc. that quotes Jeff Bezos final shareholder letter as CEO of Amazon. What jumped out at me is the truth Bezos spoke in five simple words.  “Create more than you consume.”  As leaders, I wonder if we are intentionally creating followership as people transition back toward an office environment? The other side of that equation is that we are just assuming (consuming) that there is no transition time needed and functioning as though we are operating in business as usual. 

Below are three things I have been thinking about that could help you influence and navigate these difficult times.

3 After COVID Ideas To Engage Your Teams

1. Be present with them. Emotional connection is a very real dynamic when creating followership. As people are coming back to work things like psychological safety and building trust may have to be rebuilt in some ways. To be present with someone means that you are aware of and responding to their nonverbal cues. That the atmosphere has enough stress for the person to engage, but not so much they feel anxious. Stay attentive and really attuned with them. Avoid being distracted by email or your Apple Watch. Make the person you are with the most important part of the moment you are in.
   

2. Be frequent with them. As leaders we have become used to a quick video chat with someone when we need them. As people transition back we may need to be intentional with how often we get together. Maybe shorter, more frequent interactions can create a level of safety and help the person reconnect. Remember, folks have been on their own for a while. It could be a bit of a shock for them as they come back into an office setting. Short, more frequent touches might help with adapting.
   

3. Have some intentional fun with them. There is nothing that creates a safer feeling in the workplace than people who are having fun with what they are doing. This playful spirit can really bring energy and enthusiasm to the work people do. Fun does not mean funny. You don’t have to joke or be silly. What you can do is create some intentional excitement. Share some good news. Ask them to share some good news. Create a positive feel and vibe in the office to where people walk away and say to themselves, “You know what, I missed this camaraderie last year. I am glad I am back in the office.”
   

In Summary

It takes a while for people to adapt to change. Change can be hard. It takes time to get used to. As leaders, we are pretty good at knowing what is in our own heads in terms of what we expect. We live with these thoughts all the time. What we are not as good at is being intentional in our communication about what we are constantly thinking about. For us, this change is easy. We have been thinking about it for a long time. Those who follow, however, are just getting used to the idea. Be patient, be present, be frequent, and have some fun. I think you will be glad you did.

Build A Culture You Can Be Proud Of

"Oh, the comfort…the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure word, but pouring them all right out, just as they are…chaff and grain together…certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - George Elliott

As leaders and those who support, mentor, and coach leaders, I wondered how well we are living up to the poetic words of George Elliott? I know Elliott was talking about friendship in his poem, but I do think there is great application for those of us involved in leadership as well. Here are my thoughts on how we could apply Elliott’s poetry to our leadership lives:

Feeling of Safety.

Basic neuroscience tells us that if people feel threatened they will shut down and protect themselves. This means if they feel attacked, put down, let down, shut out, disrespected, or judged, the chances that they will be able to perform or even listen to what we are saying are slim to none. If you want your followers to trust you with the issues of their heart (and those that matter to your business), then a culture that creates a feeling of safety is essential. If you create a culture where people can only bring you what you want to hear, this is NOT a place of safety. This means people only feel safe telling you what you want to hear, which can be a huge problem both in friendship and in leadership. If you want the trust of your followers, creating a feeling of safety is critical.

Authentic Leadership.

In my training and coaching work, this is a leadership theory I hear espoused almost as much as Servant Leadership. Leaders will say, “I just want to be myself. I don’t want to have to pretend and be somebody I am not. I want to live out my morals and my ethics as I lead.” I think this is what Elliott is saying about friendship. A friend is someone who shows up “just as they are." No pretense. No judgment. Just the ability to be with the other person to listen and support. This means that followers can tell you what they think, and you as a leader will listen without punishing or penalizing them.

Chaff and Grain

The grain is the good stuff inside a stalk of wheat. The chaff is the outer covering and is not useful for nutrition. This metaphor is that of good and bad, useful and not useful. The leader, coach, or mentor is able to take in the good and the bad together. The follower has developed enough trust in the leader that they can share both the good and the bad, knowing that the leader will take them, sift them, and let the stuff that doesn’t help just blow away, while savoring the good stuff.

How are you doing in your leadership, mentoring, or coaching in creating a safe, authentic environment where the good and the bad can be shared?  What are you leaving on the table by not creating this type of culture?

Homework: Have a discussion with a trusted advisor about ways you may be inhibiting trust in your organization. Check your pride. How might you be creating barriers to performance of your followers because they do not feel safe?

Are You Happy With Your Level of Well-Being?

One time, a client said to me, "Scott, I realize I need to take care of myself. When I do that,  I am at my best. I have decided to do yoga when I get up in the morning and exercise at noon. I am going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued.

"Recently, there has been a lot of negativity in my life and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am choosing to be the leader I want to be and not be some weak victim of circumstance."

His decision prompts me to ask this question to you; how are you, as a leader, focusing on your Emotional Well-being?

There’s a great story of 2 of 180 nuns who are the subjects of a noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you really need to get the book  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, but here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat basic food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and have similar routines. Of course, there differences such as intellect, depths of spirituality and outlook on the future that could account for the varied results in the nuns.

However, none of these aspects made any difference in the research. In his book, Seligman points out that the largest contributor to their longevity was the amount of positive feelings.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four things to notice about wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment or say “screw it” and become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game. A successful existence. This is your life. You only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

One of the attributes we measure in the Emotional Intelligence training is Happiness or Well-being. In our model there are four factors that comprise Well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your beliefs.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life

Two Considerations for Evaluating Your Own Level of Well-Being

The first is attempting to display as much of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends that reciprocate. Realize things in life are not always going to go your way. What counts is how you respond when setbacks happen.

The second is to have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around. It’s all about balance.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health? What changes would you need to make to live a long and successful life?

How not to RIDE the Negative Train

Duke Ellington once said, “A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” I just love this perspective. I wonder how many of us really see it this way?  I wonder how many of us as leaders, when people on our teams bring us situations that feel like a problem, see it as an opportunity to do our best?

Reflect with me for a moment. Stop, take a sip of your coffee, and think back over your last week. What is a situation or a problem that someone on your team brought you? Do you feel as a leader that your perspective was a chance for you to do your best? Do you feel you took the opportunity to help the person bringing you the problem to do their best?

Perspective

One of the more interesting things about being an executive coach is that I get an opportunity to have a lot of interactions with a lot of different leaders. Over the past 2 weeks I logged over 42 hours of Zoom meetings...and I was off on Monday last week! For me, and I am sure you as well, this has been a pretty typical pace since the first of the year and maybe even for the entire year since the pandemic started officially about 12 months ago. 

So for the past year or so, I have been paying closer attention to not only what people are showing up with but how they show up. In leadership coaching I get the chance to help folks look at their leadership and ensure how they show is how they intend to show up.

Most of us want to make sure our intentions match our impact. It is my experience, however, that not many of us stop and think proactively about what we want our impact to be. Especially when there is a problem and that problem has an emotion attached to it.

Go back to your reflection you did at the beginning of this post. As a leader, when the person on your team brought you the problem, did how you want to show up match how you did show up? Or, were you so caught up in the emotion of the problem you had a hard time even knowing what problem it is we are trying to solve? I see this a lot! I will often ask folks I am working with...Now what problem is it we are solving exactly? Let's keep the main thing, the main thing.

Example

Some of you know that I am an avid golfer. Not a good golfer, but I really enjoy the challenge the game brings to me. So many little things have to be done right to hit a good golf shot, and once in a while I hit a good one even though I don’t do everything right.  Those are the ones that keep me coming back.

So for Valentines Day, my wife gave me a great gift. A golf fitting for new clubs. It was a really great experience for me and I was like a kid in a candy store. I was so excited! This was something I had always wanted to do.  

The day finally came last Friday for me to go to the fitting. I walked in at 3:30 for my appointment and I was met by this really high energy guy named James. He could tell I had one eye on the bay where you get to try out the new clubs. But before he would let me take a swing, he asked me a question, “Why are you here?” My response was not well thought out, nor very accurate it turns out.  

“I have always wanted to do this and I am really excited,” I quipped, just wanting to get into that bay and hit a ball with the newest technology golf club makers have to offer.

“Awesome!” James responded, with so much enthusiasm that it was effervescent coming out of him.

Then he changed his tone, took his enthusiasm down about 3 notches, and said, “I appreciate your excitement, but why are you here? What is it that you are trying to achieve through this experience in your golf game?” 

Dang! I had been so excited about the opportunity, I completely lost focus on the problem I was trying to solve. 

“I want to hit the ball straighter and further,” I said in response. 

“Good,” he said. “I can help you do that, but I don’t think that is why you are here.”

Now I am a bit stunned, perplexed, and feeling a little like I am about to enter a therapy session. 

“I give,” I said…”Why am I here?”

“Exactly,” James came back…”Why are you here?” What skill...he didn’t answer my question for me but was going to make me answer...it is therapy!!

Then, a light went off for me. “I want to be a better golfer….No, wait….I want to lower my golf score. I want to be more competitive on the golf course.”

“Yes!” James yelled. Literally yelled...I mean he screamed it so loud I think people having dinner at Chick Fil A across the street could have heard him.

“Let's work to solve that problem,” James said when he calmed down. And when we got in the simulator and I would hit a ball 30 yards further with a new club, he would say, “Now that shot will lower your score on the course!” 

Being Coached

James either had a natural ability or someone, somewhere had trained him on some excellent coaching techniques. As I reflected on that experience, James was actually pulling from some great psychology as he was preparing me to buy golf clubs. (Hey, James had a goal, too...make no mistake he gets paid to sell golf clubs...and I love the set he sold me!)

RIDE*

Here is a model I use in coaching when problems that have negative emotion are brought to the discussion.  I try to find a way for the person NOT to RIDE the negative train. I use the acronym RIDE as a process. Each element is really an independent tool, so you do not have to use them all or think of them in a stepwise fashion.

The problem I had in my golf fitting example was I had lost perspective on why I was there. Here is what James helped me with, even if he didn’t know the psychology behind it.

Remove the negative thing. This strategy employs taking the thing that is negatively impacting me out of the situation. My excitement was clouding my perspective to see why I was really there.

Insert a positive perspective. This can involve distracting my attention away from the issue causing the negative emotion. He took my emotion that to me felt positive, but actually was negative because it was in my way of seeing the problem and got me to the root of why I was there in the first place.

Distract the attention from the negative thing. Finding something less negative can put the problem in perspective. James had me sit down, then offered me a Powerade as he was asking me about my expectations. He was distracting me away from my excitement so I could focus.

Emotionally pivot. Helping the person change the emotion to match the problem. James brought me down so skillfully off my high, never losing his enthusiasm, but helped me focus so when I got in the bay I was calmer and he could do his job.

Touche, James. Nice work.

How about you as a leader? If you go back to your reflection exercise at the beginning of this post, could you insert one of the elements of the RIDE model so help someone on your team?

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*For all you academics out there, the RIDE model was derived from research done by Little, Gooty, and Williams and published in Leadership Quarterly 2016. The article is titled: The role of leader emotion management in leader–member exchange and follower outcomes.

Don’t Make The Same Mistake I Did

During a recent 360 feedback event, where leaders receive feedback from their supervisor, peers, and direct reports, one of the leaders came up to me afterward. She said, “Scott, my feedback is telling me I need to have better interpersonal relationships, especially with my peers. Can you give me some advice on how I can improve in this area?"

My knee-jerk reaction was to provide advice from my training and experience so I began rattling off my instructions. I gave a step-by-step plan to this young leader what she needed to do to have mutually satisfying relationships. After all, in my training and coaching practice, I have developed a near effortless perspective in this area. As an executive coach with a doctoral dissertation in executive coaching, I assumed I knew what the problem was.

Thankfully, I noticed the blank stare on this young leader’s face. She was completely overwhelmed.

I FELL INTO THE TRAP OF THE LEADERSHIP EXPERT

I stopped mid-sentence, shifted my thinking, and asked, ”When it comes to interpersonal relationships, what doesn’t seem right to you?” The young leader went on for about 3-minutes describing her thoughts and analysis. She explained how she felt spending time on “chit-chat” was not productive in the midst of her busy day. For example, when she had a meeting she skipped pleasantries and got right down to business. She wondered aloud if this was a possible disconnect with her peers.

Asking this woman a simple question allowed her emotional space to verbalize ways she needed to improve her interpersonal relationships. I had forgotten that most young leaders are just beginning their journey. They are still getting used to the language of leadership. They are receiving feedback, many of them for the first time. Where I am in my practice and where they are as young leaders are two entirely different places.

THOSE I LEAD ARE AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

Scientists claim that it takes at least 10,000 hours of study, experimentation, and practice paired with coaching and advice from individuals in that field before you become an expert in an area.

10,000 hours equals 6 years spent on the subject full-time, 8 hours a day, 200 days per year. Few of us have dedicated this kind of time to a field, so for most of us, it takes 10 to 12 years to develop our expertise.

Have you fallen into the same trap I did? Are you holding young leaders to a high standard of evaluation?

Edgar Schein, in his book Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, gives leaders sage advice when leadership conversations go wrong.

1. Do less telling.

2. Learn to do more asking.

3. Do a better job of listening.

Here are three suggestions to practically implement Schein’s advice:

1. Do less telling by learning to let go of your need to be heard as an expert. What is driving your need to be right or heard? Replace your directive style with an inquiry.

2. Learn to do more asking by making your questions open-ended. “What doesn’t seem right to you” or “Tell me more about what you are saying."

3. Do a better job of listening by practicing empathy. Give them your full, undivided attention while keeping in mind where they are in their development.

Think of a relationship you have struggled with at work. The next time you are in conversation with this person, give up your expert position and ask some open-ended questions instead. Focus on improving the strained relationship. Let go of the outcome of the subject you are working on and focus on the quality of your questions and your listening ability. By making this kind of investment in others, your work may actually become easier.

5 Ways to Measure Your Emotional Intelligence During Change

How do you measure your own emotional intelligence during a change process? This article provides 5 questions you can ask yourself to assess your own emotional intelligence when you are undergoing a change in your life.

I am just finishing up teaching a group of doctoral students in a class on organizational change for Indiana Wesleyan University. In this class one of the assignments is to document a change process they and a friend are going through. The goal is for them to study at a very deep level what a change process feels like and how the process can be measured.

We all know that change, especially for adults, is hard. We also know that if we track our data, and have the right measurement, progress, or a lack thereof, can be motivating. What becomes motivating is the emotional energy you get when you see the change. Your brain loves the fact that you are doing it! Let's be really clear, change is emotional. So, why not be intelligent about it?

What I was particularly intrigued by with the process the students are documenting is the variety of changes that they chose to write about. Some are writing about physical changes to include weight-loss, diet changes, and exercise routines. Others chose topics like Spiritual Formation such as spending more time in Bible reading or in prayer. Some even noticed it was time to change how they spend their money and are making some financial changes.

When the students write this paper, one of the things I look forward to commenting on (remember, feedback is a gift) is their motivation for the change. Sure they have to do this to pass the course, but beyond this I am looking for them to explain what their “why” is for the change. 

Change theorist John Kotter, in his 8 step change process, says the first thing that needs to happen for any change is that a “sense of urgency” has to be established. Your “why” you want to change has to be big enough to overcome where you are now.

I have this really good friend who is a golfing buddy of mine. He desperately needs new golf clubs. I have been talking with him for months now to go get measured for clubs so that when spring comes around he will be ready to play some serious golf! He says, “No, I’m not good enough. When I get better at the game, I will get fitted for new clubs.” Personally, as his friend and golfing buddy, I think new clubs would really help him. It doesn’t matter what I think! If he is not ready, if his sense of urgency is not high enough he will not change. Period. Drop the mic!

Question 1

How confident am I?

According to Dr Steve Stein and Dr Howard Book in The EQ Edge, self-regard is knowing your strengths and weaknesses, and liking yourself, “warts and all”. 

How secure is your inner strength? If you are going to make a change, doing so from a position of strength can have a big impact on the success of your outcome. Where do you need to strengthen your confidence to prepare for the change you need to make?

Question 2

How am I coming across?

“Without influence there is no leadership.” -Dr Ken Boa
“Leadership is defined as change.” -Dr Jim Freemyer

Being self-directed and independent allows you to own the change you want to make. If you are appropriately assertive in a positive way in what you want and it is the right thing for you to do without causing harm to others, then what is holding you back? Where do you need to express how important this change is to you and own it?

Question 3

Who is on my team?

”When we feel a shared sense of vision with others around us, we are in pursuit of common direction, purpose and goals. When we feel a shared sense of compassion, we feel cared for by others.” - Dr Richard Boyatsis

Who do you have on your team that is sharing the vision you have for change? Who is on your team cheering you on?  Where do you turn for support when things get tough? It is almost impossible to get the change you desire on your own. You need community!

Question 4  

What am I doing to manage my impulses?

“Even when people see that the “old right thing” is now wrong, they fail to move if they do not see the new right thing. Even when people finally acknowledge the need for change, and even see the new direction, they often still fail to move.” - Dr J Stewart Black & Dr Hal Gregersen

We all experience dark days when we are in the middle of change. It is so easy to just go back to the old way of doing things. Fighting through this negativism and staying positive and proactive is a lot. Impulse control is the ability to resist or delay an impulsive drive or a temptation to act. How do you stay composed, avoid becoming rash, or even angry when things just are not going the way you planned? 

Question 5

When are the times I need to be resilient?

”Well-being needs to be anchored in strengths and virtues, these in turn must be anchored in something larger.” - Dr Martin Seligman

“A worldview is not just a set of basic concepts but a fundamental orientation of the heart.” - Dr James Sire

Change is hard. Times are going to get tough. It is during these difficult times in any change process you need to be resilient. Where do you get your hope for the future? Often times people will say that you have to “want it bad enough.” I am not so sure it is just pure desire. Being resilient in change goes deeper than desire. It goes to the very core of what you value. Questions like “what is your hope anchored in?” OR “how do you determine what is right and wrong for you? What is good or what is not good for you?” It is in these deeper questions that we often find our true “why” for a change and can be resilient when the going gets tough.

To aid you in your journey to develop your own emotional intelligence I wrote a journaling experience. This journal is jam packed with provocative questions, case study reflections, and interesting quotes to aid you in your own personal growth and development. If you are interested you can find the journal by clicking here.

Want to know more about emotional intelligence? Visit my website at www.drscottlivingston.com.

Want to become certified in an EQi model? Click here.

What if I Don’t Want to Change?

What is it about change that makes it so difficult for people to process?

Is it the overall complexity that change brings? Or is it the level of comfort that existed prior to the precipitating change event?

One aspect that I have been thinking about recently is that our aversion may not be to the change itself but the awareness that the current reality exists in concert with the new reality.

If the answer is yes to both of the above this makes for a confusing environment.

Consider the following story as an example:

As a member of an organization, “Bob” has a job to do that he has been doing for approximately 24 months. He is competent at the craft and has built some good relationships with people on his team and with this customers. As a matter of fact, Bob’s supervisor rated him as exceeding expectations last year which is really quite rare for only being on the job for 2 years.

Then all of a sudden, the organization says it needs to change how it operates. They have to become a more Holistic Organization. This new structure isn’t really going to be structure at all! It is more of a self-managed, self-organizing network of people who are going to get everyone closer to the customer and to each other. Out with bureaucracy, and hierarchy, and consensus.

The consultant who gives the presentation to the company called it a “Teal” Organization. Bob had to research it and learned it was something called Spiral Dynamics which is a new consciousness for business. Teal Organizations are agile, lean, flexible and responsive to the environment. It all sounded great until Bob started to get a little anxious. Like how flexible? So flexible that he won’t be needed? Feelings of real anxiety started to sweep over him.

Teal organizations, since they distribute decision making to the lowest levels of the organization, require a level of trust, emotional intelligence, creativity, and intuition not previously required. There is a great sense of the work that is being done is for the good of, indeed the survival of the organization and that the individual interests of the contributors are taking a back seat.

As Bob contemplates his old paradigm he feels paralyzed between the drive to consensus that used to exist and making decisions for the good of the organization (which by the way, Bob remembers is what consensus was supposed to do).

He wants very much to succeed in this new world order, but not sure exactly how to do that.

Yes that was it. How was he supposed to come to work today and be inclusive with all his business partners and at the same time make decisions on his own?

He feels tremendous uncertainty in what his role is and a lot of ambiguity in how he’s supposed to do his job.

And then, his wife says that maybe they should not have bought their new house.

This did not help calm his thinking.

Personal Example

I know how our protagonist in the above scenario feels. I remember when I first got married, in fact, my wife Kim and I were on our honeymoon. Now, for any person marriage brings on a very significant change. On the morning of my wedding I woke up single, but by 1 pm that afternoon I was married. This was a new reality that I did not fully understand.

I was excited about the change. I anticipated with a positive anxiety the reality that was ahead. And unlike many who experience change in an organization, I was a willing participant who was choosing this destiny.

For our honeymoon, my bride and I set off on a Caribbean cruise. Seven fun-filled days just the two of us. On our first night at sea, we were walking to dinner. I was so excited to eat because the number one thing people told me about cruising was that the food is outstanding. Or, maybe it was the fact we had skipped lunch and I was famished. No matter, when I got to the dining room I turned around and Kim was nowhere to be found. Where could she be? So, I started retracing my steps and when I rounded the corner there she was…just standing…and waiting.

“Whats wrong?” I enquired. “Are you OK?”

“I am fine,” she said. Then she went on and delivered the truth that helped me realize my new reality. “You are married now, and I would really like to walk to dinner with you and not behind you.”

Ouch! What a change lesson that was for me.

My old paradigm of singleness was confronted with my new reality of being married. If I was going to be any good at this being married thing, then I had to understand what this new life was all about.

I am so thankful that I married a very patient woman. She has been at my side now for 34 years teaching me all about what it means to start something new.

The real key if you are experiencing dramatic change in your organization, or you are getting married, is to pay close attention to the relationships between people. For this new reality to be successful we have to replace our negative and anxious feelings with those of more positive outlook.

Being in the middle of change requires us to slow our thinking down and manage the anxieties we are experiencing.

Sure we will stumble at times, but let’s not forget that a step backward is not failure. It is just learning. No one, not even those leading the change in organizations know everything. We all need space to think and to understand what our new way forward looks like.

How Would You Answer This Great Question?

“How can I help my boss get better as a leader?”

This straightforward question was asked by a direct report of one of my clients as we were wrapping up our Leadership 360 interview (a series of open-ended leadership questions that help my clients get a clear picture of how their leadership looks to those around them). 

A First For Me

Now, I have been doing these structured Leadership 360 interviews for almost 20 years,  over 800 of them in total.  No one, not one person, has ever asked me that question.  

It’s nothing against the other 800 folks, I just found it really interesting that this one dear person cared enough about her supervisor that she would want to know how she could be involved in her boss's development.

My Response

All of my coaching sessions are confidential, including the 360 report and development planning.  I wanted to answer her question, but I needed to be tactful as to not disclose what my client was going to work on.

So, I thought to myself, how do I respond in a way that is really helpful for her, without breaking any confidentiality I must maintain with my client?

Here's how I responded...

“I think the best way you can help your boss is by helping him be more self-aware. Now, this is going to require a level of trust on your part, and there could be some risk, so you need to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk. If you are, then your boss has probably already in some way declared strengths, and things he would like to do better.”

She agreed, so I continued...

“Then help him see when he is doing it. Let's imagine he has told you he is a micromanager and wants to change. Perhaps in the midst of a project, at the appropriate time, you then say to him, 'You know, Jim, it feels to me right now like you are micromanaging me. Is that something you are intending to do?'”

She sat in silence on the phone for a seemingly endless pause.

“I can do that." She finally broke the silence. “Good,” I affirmed her. “Don’t feel like you have to change him, don’t feel like you have to coach him. Just help him see the times where he is doing something he wants to change.”

Helping leaders SEE the change they want to make is perhaps the biggest gift you can give to them.

What About You?

So many of us get caught up in our own development, but I’d like to encourage you to begin looking for ways you could support someone else with their development. Perhaps it’s shifting your focus from helping them solve the problem, to inspiring their awareness of the opportunity right in front of them.

If you feel encouraged and motivated by this post, try asking your leader how you support them in their development. Their response may surprise you and revitalize you in your own self-development journey.

Leader: Spend Time Here as You Grow

"Who are you really, wanderer?” - William Stafford Reading more poetry lately has taught me that poets, gifted with this unique communication style, ask really penetrating questions. Stafford, an Oregon Poet Laureate, sends a penetrating question to us all in this quote: Wanderer, who are you? Really, who are you? This question begs a leader to self-examine, which is work that so many leaders just don’t want to spend the time to do.

Outer Life

So much of leadership development work is focused on the outer life these days, including things like goals to accomplish, skills to develop, or problems to be solved. The objective of this kind of work often seems to be gaining credibility and marketability.

We try to define who we are by what we do.

This includes the goals we have set, the objective measures we strive to meet, the problems we are able to solve. What item do I need to check off my list to give me that feeling of accomplishment and show others what I have done? How can I continue to justify my existence and the work I've been doing?

Now, those of you who read this column on any regular basis know that I am not opposed to outer work: development of skills and talents, the 'doing' part of who we are, the observable economy of leadership, the accomplishment of tasks, the progression of the agenda.

All of this kind of work is very important. I don’t want to minimize that.

I do not argue against improving on one's outer life, but want to point out that to focus only on this part of development is shallow and does not engage the entire person. My point is to challenge the leader to become more intentional about developing their inner life.

My motivation for this post comes from my own research on the subject of wisdom that I did a few years ago. I surveyed 185 executive coaches and asked them to validate 10 different parts of a wisdom model. They were to think about their work as an executive coach and were then asked if they thought the development of things like knowledge, experience, community, and courage were areas they would work to develop wisdom in organizational leaders. For most of the 10 aspects of wisdom we tested, roughly 70% of those surveyed said they did work to develop that attribute...except one.

Spirituality.

Of the executive coaches I surveyed, 70% said that if the situation presented itself, they WOULD NOT work with a leader to develop this component of wisdom.

Stop and think about that for a moment: executive coaches who get paid to develop leaders said that if some topic of spirituality presented itself, they would turn themselves away from helping develop the leader in that area.

Spiritual inner work is so needed by leaders at all levels in organizations.

Why is Wisdom Spiritual?

When our 3 kids were in grade school, every morning as they were going out the door my wife would say to them, "remember who you belong to!"

On the surface, this quote could have many meanings. But for those of you who actually know my wife and have spent any time with her, those words could only have one meaning: "Hey, kids! Do not forget you are children of the King."

And those of you who know my wife also know she was not referencing me in her royal reminder to the kids of their position in life. She was telling the kids as they went out into the world that they are children of God.

In Stafford's poem he writes:

"Who are you really, wanderer?" and the answer you have to give no matter how dark and cold the world around you is: "Maybe I'm a king."

While to my knowledge my wife never met William Stafford, they are in some ways united souls declaring that each of us is indeed royal. We are all kings and queens.

So, wanderer, if you are a king, then you have the inner work of wisdom to do.

Inner Work of Wisdom: Developing the Spirituality of the Leader

I spent about an hour researching what workplace spirituality even means. Turns out there is a quite immense body of literature on the subject.

Generally, spirituality is seen as being comprised of two components. The first is a search for a connection with some transcendent force in the universe, and often that there is a being or force that most religious dogmas call God who calls the human soul back to himself after the death of the physical body.

The second is that humans have a spirit. This spirit of man is involved in finding meaning and purpose in life. This means that as human beings, one of the royal quests we are on is to grow into our full potential.

Considering these very broad thoughts, we then turn to the question of how to develop the spirituality of a leader. Are there important components to spirituality that affect us as leaders? If so, then we need to work on our spiritual inner life to be more effective and authentic at this thing we call leadership. Here are four items I pulled from the literature that may resonate with you on your inner life and spirituality:

Worldview

This constructs a leader's thoughts and feelings. It is what the leader believes in regards to the most important things in life. Worldview recognizes that our speech is one thing, but our actions may be something entirely different, and often more important. For example, a devout Christian may talk about love on a Sunday morning but then act like the devil the other 6 days in the week. This will cause outside observers like Gandhi to make claims like, “I like their Christ, but not their Christian.”

For leaders, a worldview is more than just thoughts or a collection of ideas. A worldview is encapsulated in the vision set forth by the leader, one that has been simmering for years of learning and experience. This vision is not based on the scientific method or model, instead, the worldview of the leader answers questions about spirituality, the world, life paradox’s, human nature, social relationships, relationship to self. It is the very essence and core of who the leader is, and ultimately it is what the leader is constantly trying to reconcile actions with. For most it is so subtle we don’t even recognize it is there, but it is consciously calling our actions to align with it.

Leader-Follower Relationship

While humans live in social communities of about 150 individuals, we have deep and abiding relationships with very few members of our tribe. Doctors Steve Stein and Howard Book, in their book EQ Edge, define interpersonal relationships as those that are mutually satisfying for both parties. If a relationship is going to meet the needs of both individuals, a connection must be established beyond the physical realm. It is easy to recognize that when we connect with the closest relationships in our community there is, what is often described as, a spiritual connection. We have a deeper, almost transcendent connection with some close friends that includes a level of understanding between both parties that we can form with no other creatures on this earth.

Community

Dr. Vern Ludden, in his groundbreaking research on wisdom in organizational leadership, claims that most religions and cultures recognize that wisdom is not developed individually, but in community with others. Dr. Mathew Lieberman, in his book Social, gives physiologic support for the importance of community by comparing the size of the human's brain to the size of other animals' brains. Most animals on earth have a brain just large enough to support the body it is confined with. Not so with humans; they have a brain 10 times larger than needed. Current thought is that this extra capacity, found primarily in the neocortex, is for humans to manage the complexity of the diverse relationships that exist in the communities we are a part of.

Acknowledging Imperfection

Some call this humanity. Who among us doesn’t realize that we all make mistakes? And yet who among us gives that benefit of the doubt to others? I, for one, am quick to want others to say "Don't worry, no one is perfect," when I do wrong, but you best hope you are not the person who cuts me off in traffic or tries to get into the 10-items-or-less checkout line with an extra jar of peanut butter. The spirituality of the leader needs to move beyond humanity and into exploring humility. As a leader, do you actually have the ability to humble yourself? Can you raise the status of others highly enough that they can be seen instead of you? What does it take for you to admit that you might be leading your team in the wrong direction? How easy is it for you to ask and listen instead of command and control?

Homework: Do any of the four elements above strike a nerve with you? Which one would you say you need to spend time reflecting on to grow your own leadership ability?

4 Factors to a Longer and More Successful Leadership Life

One of my clients had a profound impact on my life this week. What I heard him say is:

"Scott I realized that I have to take care of me. I am at my best when I am taking care of myself. I decided that I am going to do yoga when I get up in the morning, and I am going to exercise at noon. I am going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued,

"There has been a lot of negativity in my life recently, and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am going to choose the leader I want to be and not be a victim of circumstance."

Absolutely Profound.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four things to notice about wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment, or you become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game: A successful existence. This is your life, and you only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

The National Wellness Institute describes six different dimensions for us to consider as we examine our own wellbeing:

• Emotional

• Occupational

• Physical

• Social

• Intellectual

• Spiritual

This week I want to focus on your emotional wellbeing as a leader.

The Story

One of my favorite authors is Martin Seligman. As a past president of the American Psychological Association, he has the credibility from a research standpoint that is really meaningful for me. In addition, Martin is a gifted storyteller who can weave a story together and then bring home a point that has real impact and causes me to pause and examine my own life.

One of my favorite stories that Martin tells is in his book Authentic Happiness. He details the stories of two of 180 nuns who are the subjects of an impactful and noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you really need to get the book, it is a great read. Here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns was alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are admittedly dicey and very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case for. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar life. They eat similar food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, they have similar routines. Sure there are some other differences that could account for the results:

• Different levels of intellect

• Different depths of spirituality

• Different outlooks on the future

However, none of these criteria in the research made any difference. The thing that Seligman points out that made a difference in the longevity of the nuns was the amount of positive feelings expressed.

If longevity is at least one measure of a successful existence, then the positive outlook you have on life matters!

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

In the Emotional Intelligence training I do as a part of my consulting, one of the attributes we measure is that of happiness or wellbeing. In the model we use there are four factors that comprise wellbeing:

• Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

• Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your values.

• Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

• Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life

There are two important considerations as you evaluate your own level of well-being.

The first is that you display as much of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends and ensure that there is reciprocity. Realize that things are not always going to go your way. It isn’t if you are going to have a setback in life, it is when. What counts is how you respond.

The second is that you have balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful and in it for yourself. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

Homework

Rate yourself on a scale from one (low) to 10 (high) on each of the 4 attributes of well-being. Are you maximizing each attribute? Are all four of the attributes in balance with each other? As you reflect on these, what changes would you need to make to live a long and successful life?

A Simple Hack for Work Relationship Difficulties

I know it is going to be an interesting conversation with a coaching client when the conversation opens with,

“I am really struggling with so and so on my team. We just do not have a very good relationship. Do you have any advice for me?”

For me, being a coach is about the person I am working with figuring out what is going on inside of themselves so they can get the responses or actions they desire. My desire is to function more like an investigator rather than an oracle. Rather than providing advice, I find myself asking a lot more questions.

When I hear a client tell me of relational struggles, many questions come to my mind. I really have to think about what direction I want the conversation to go. Here are some questions I find myself wanting to get curious about:

• Why the struggle?

• What is it about so and so that makes this difficult?

• Do you feel this way about others on the team?

• What does a good relationship look like to you?

• Do you have good relationships with other team members?

• Are there contexts that are affecting the relationship as opposed to it being about the person?

No matter which of these questions I ultimately ask, the answer is usually one that is a surprise to me. So, if I would ask, “Why the struggle” I would get back something like “The person reminds me of someone from my past who treated me horribly.” Or I get something like, “They are such a micromanager, the further I stay away the better.”

This is where as a coach, I have to practice what Edgar Schein calls “Humble Inquiry;” asking the question to which you don’t know the answer with an attitude of interest in the other person.

Schein says that as the leader in the conversation it is up to me to humble myself. This means that I have to put my needs and desires aside and really focus on the person in front of me and what they need at the time. This can be really hard.

It would be so easy, rather than to ask a follow up question, to relate an experience I have had in the past and to rush in and solve the problem for the other person. For example, I could share how I once had a boss who was a micromanager and what I did was to learn to anticipate what they needed so when they dug in they could see it was already done.

This is exactly what my coaching client does not need from me.

I have to humble myself, to realize that it is not about me. It is about the person I am coaching. Once I do this, I am ready to discover more about what the issue really is. I am ready to get curious and inquire.

Humble Inquiry Questions

These types of questions are not difficult. They are short and very open-ended. They spark immense curiosity into the conversation. Here are 4 of my favorites:

• Say more about that.

• Tell me more.

• Can you elaborate?

• What was that like for you?

The goal of the Humble Inquiry line of questions is to get the client to unpack more of what is on their mind. I am always amazed at how being curious around meaning takes the conversations to places I did not expect it to go. It is a bit like going to Disney World; I know it is going to be fun, I just don’t know what I am going to discover when I get there.

My Number One Hack For Improving Relationships

Take them to lunch!

That is it. It really is that simple. Invite the person you are struggling to develop relationship to lunch. Your only objective is to get to know them better.

Although most studies indicate that sharing a family meal contributes to communication and family relationship development, many theories and research indicate that it is the specific practices at mealtime rather than the food itself or the biological family ties that create the real value (Larson, Branscomb, & Wiley, 2006).

In one case study by Watland, Hallenbeck, & Kresse, (2008) police officers enrolled in an MBA program who shared a meal together once a week. More than 69 percent of the participants indicated that their interactions with each other had positively affected the work of the department.The initial interactions amongst participants were built on getting to know each other better. This soon translated to a deeper knowledge and level of trust and the group began relying on each other to solve problems in the work setting.

Most sociologists tell us that it is not the food, but the dedicated mealtime, that is the developer of social bonds. I would propose that while eating, you can not talk as much and you are forced to listen more. If you really are enjoying your pizza so much that you would rather ask a short question and get back to the sausage and pepperoni then maybe, just maybe, you will be nourished not only physically but spiritually as well.

So, if you are struggling with a relationship, invite them to lunch! What harm can it do?

While it may not solve all the problems, I think you will find if you practice Humble Inquiry, it is a step in the right direction.

Bon Appetit!

Goals are Great; These Are Better

If you are like most people you spent much of December 2020 thinking about your goals for 2021. Then the ball drops in New York City, 2021 arrives, and you realize you haven’t been doing much but thinking. 

And so, during this early time in January of 2021, many of you are still considering your goals. It is time to stop considering and start developing a system for making them a reality. 

Turns out, in reality, not many people have actual goals. Those who do have goals seldom write them down. Those who write them down rarely put a system in place to make them happen.

Here is the research

The idea behind basic goal setting theory is that specific difficult goals lead to higher performance than when people are left to just do their best. According to Heslin, Carlson, and Vanderwale (2009) there are literally hundreds of studies that show the performance benefit of challenging goals. So, there is not much to debate around the purpose of goals and the link to performance.

That is actually where some of the difficulty around goal setting begins. 

There is a frequently quoted Harvard Study from 1976 that claims that the 14% of people who have goals are 10 times more successful than those without goals. Turns out, there is a Yale study that quotes very similar numbers from 1953. Yale could never verify the existence of the research and the Harvard data relates to graduates from the business school who had life goals. While the data is motivational, it also seems to not be very credible. So the next time you hear that 86% of people don’t have goals, take the numbers with a big grain of salt.

Now, back to some of the research on goal setting.

In a 2009 study published in the journal Industrial Management and Data Systems, Bobby Medlin and Kenneth Green found that in a data set of 426 full and part-time employees, those who set goals are more positively engaged in the work they do than those without goals. This is nothing new, really. Latham and Locke found similar results around goals and performance published in 1979 in Organizational Dynamics. And at the time, this was nothing new either, as Fredrick Taylor noticed this same thing in the early 1900’s.

This data aligns with what Heslin, Carlson, and Vanderwale (2009) propose that positive goal setting depends critically on issues pertaining to goal commitment, task complexity, goal framing, team goals, and feedback. All are critical elements to goal attainment.

We have known some really important things about goals for over 120 years. And you might argue a lot longer, as ancient Proverbs from thousands of years ago lament, “Plans fail for the lack of counsel, but with many advisors they succeed (Proverbs 15:22). So, the idea of planning and goal setting and engaging counsel has been around arguably since the beginning of time.

It should be noted that while most managers and leaders see goal setting as a positive panacea, there is research to the contrary. Goal setting does have some detractors. In a working paper from Harvard Business School, Ordonez, Schweitzer, Galinsky, and Bazerman write about the systemic side-effects of over-prescribing goal setting (I love the medical metaphor!). 

The claim is that over-emphasis on goal setting can cause organizational confusion, misalignment, a rise in unethical behavior, and a deterioration of organizational culture. Examples are numerous. From Enron, the Ford Pinto, Sears automotive repair scandal, to more recent examples of Wells-Fargo sales scandal of selling 8 products to every customer. 

My intention is not to change your mind or convince you of the right perspective on goal setting, rather, to challenge you to expand your thoughts around goal setting by doing two things:

1. Link your goals to actual problems.

2. Focus on creating a system to make your goal a reality.

Link Your Goals to Actual Problems

This idea first came to me after reading Bob Biehl’s book “Stop Setting Goals if You Would Rather Solve Problems.”  I found that with goal setting I put a lot of effort into setting a specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, timely goal, only to have the environment shift on me to where one of the 5 SMART goal components was no longer applicable. 

Instead, what has helped me more is to create a vision and start solving problems to make my vision a reality. 

For example, it is pretty easy and pretty common for people this time of year to write SMART goals around things like exercising more or to losing that COVID 15 pounds so many of us have put on. It is easy to write a SMART goal around this, yet so easy also to let the goal go by the wayside. 

The first reason is that the goal sounds good, but when it comes time to exercise the person doesn’t want to get off the coach, or the bag of chips is oh so good. The goal is fine, the problem is that the bag of chips is still in the house. If the vision is to exercise and lose weight, what do you have to do to solve the problem?

Focus On Creating A System 

The second place to expand our thoughts comes from a couple of books I read recently, both around the idea of habits. The first is by James Clear called Atomic Habits and the second by Wendy Wood called Good Habits, Bad Habits. 

Both authors write about the importance of developing systems in order  to achieve your desires. It is a systems approach that will help you obtain your goal. 

So, if you have a vision, what is the system you need to put into place to make the vision a reality? 

Diet and exercise companies take full advantage of this research. Have you seen a commercial for Nutrisystem lately? What are they offering? A system: eat their food, drink their shakes, pay their bill, and you lose the weight.  The idea is even in the name of the company NutriSYSTEM. 

Will it work? Sure!

Will you keep the vision or goal you had if you change your habits and get used to eating smaller portions? If not, then when you stop the system you put on the weight.

Perspective

Call them whatever you want. Goals, vision, it really doesn’t matter. Stay focused on the problem and put a system in place to develop a new habit. 

Goals are great, but they are not enough to change your behavior by themselves.

Give it a listen...

On this first Monday of the new year, I wanted to share a fun opportunity I had recently to be a guest on my friend Lee Stephenson’s podcast, Unfiltered.

I won’t spoil our conversation, but if you have 30 minutes and an interest in emotional intelligence, I think you’ll enjoy it. Click here to give it a listen.

If you’d rather read our conversation, you can find the transcript by clicking here.

Thank you, Lee, for having me!

That One Big Question for 2020

What to write about the week between Christmas and the New Year? That is the question I posed for my wife, Kim, last night. She had some sage advice for me, but first I need to share some of the dilemma so you know what I was experiencing.

This is, perhaps, the hardest post of the year for me to write, especially as we close out a year like 2020! What could I say that hasn't already been said a thousand times? Everything from pontificating abut toilet paper shortages to working from home., from vaccines to what it means to lead a remote workforce.

While the week does in some ways lend itself to some interesting content, as I am thinking about it nothing is resonating...

I could share the best book I read all year, but that has been done before not only by myself, but many others.

(However, if you’re curious, my answer would be The Backpack by Tim Gardner. Seriously, if you haven't read it, stop reading now and go to Amazon and buy it. Then form a book club and talk about it. Then all of you do a review on Amazon and share what you thought! I believe you will love it!)

I could share my favorite podcast of 2020; but so many already do this sort of thing, I don't want to bore you... (Revisionist History by Malcomb Gladwell)

There is always the tried and true for this final week of December to encourage you to reflect more, think more, pray more. And when I share this, people often say “What resource do you recommend I use?” That is such a hard question, because I don't like playing favorites, but I’d have to say 40-Day Journey with Parker Palmer.

I could even use these words to tell you about the book I published this year that my brother, Eric, helped me write, but that would be self-serving. It is a journaling experience that aligns with the EQi-2.0, but you don't really need the assessment to do the journal. A Guided to Journey to Practicing EI Journal.

Or, I could keep it really light and fun and share with you the best new game I learned to play in 2020. But, maybe you are not a game playing person or you just want to stay with the old staples like Monopoly.. Sushi Go Party (this game is serious fun and a real challenge to master).

Then there is the tried and true sharing of the favorite new song of 2020. But maybe your style of music is not like mine so I really don't want to waste your time. Angels We Have Heard (Glory Be) by Jordan Smith.

I think you can see my conundrum. What to write about that hasn't been written before?

That is what my lament was to my wife Kim, who turned to me and said, "Why don't you write about gifts?"

My mind immediately turned to the strengths people possess from a personality perspective.

"No, she said. What is the best gift, in a work context,. you have ever received? People might be interested in knowing that experience."

I have to admit I married a brilliant woman. What a fantastic idea!

So what to write about....

That would have to be you who read these posts. Thank you for that gift. You encourage me. You inspire me.

Especially those of you who read to the very end.

Happy New Year! Let's see what 2021 brings....

Seven Immediate Development Needs for Remote Leaders

One outcome of the global pandemic we are experiencing is that knowledge workers have shown it is possible for most elements of their work to be done remotely. While the impact on organizational culture is being questioned by many, including some of the leaders in the world’s largest technology organizations, the question “Is it possible for leaders to work remotely on a large scale?” has been clearly answered with a resounding YES!

So, if it is possible, two questions come to my mind.

1. Is it sustainable?

2. What development needs do leaders have in order to become more effective leading in a remote world?

Sustainable

I remember reading a book on Virtual Culture a few years ago written by Bryan Miles, who is the entrepreneurial founder of a company called Belay. The book begins by telling a story that happened in 2012. Marissa Mayer had left Google to become the CEO at Yahoo. As you probably recall Yahoo at the time was in trouble as an organization and the new plan included a move to keep employees in the office for a longer period of time. The transformation was to make the corporate offices a place employees wanted to spend their time. According to Miles, "Mayer's act went against corporate culture...by enforcing everyone come back to the office, Mayer tried to apply old-school collaboration to a group of people that did not want that style any longer."

Employees were NOT happier. Employees were NOT more productive. Employees did NOT feel more engaged at work. Miles concludes that management fell prey to the idea, "If I can't see you, I can't control you...How do I know you are working?”

So if:

• Knowledge workers have shown it is possible to work remote

AND

• There are historical examples of forcing old paradigms having organizational backlash...

Does the question become "How do we develop our leaders to lead virtually?"

Before we dive too deeply in the area of developing virtual leaders, there is one really important thing to recognize. Some of you are locked into long-term leases with lots of office space. Others of you have built buildings very recently to house the future growth you saw in your organization over the next decade. Many of you are scratching your heads asking, "What are we going to do with all this space?" It is a good question. One that will take some intense and courageous conversations amongst the leadership teams. My only thought for all of you wrestling with this is to not lose sight of talent, and how your talent may want to work. Wrestle with questions like:

1. What will drive our business in the future? The talent we have on the team or where they sit?

2. How personally collaborative do we really need to be?

3. Are their other creative ways to use our space?

4. What does our leadership team need to be flexible on? (I saw recent quote from a Harvard Business Professor who says we need to be ready for a transition from traditional consecutive 8 hours to more of a 3-2-2 format with long breaks between working cycles.)

5. How do we help remote workers create boundaries for work? (vacation, sick leave, bereavement, etc.)

Development Needs

While the argument rages across all media platforms as to the future of remote work, one thing is for certain, some aspect of leading remotely is going to stay with us. The technology is just too good to ignore. The fact is, some leaders and some teams at some point are going to be working remote. While the ratio will likely become an individual organization decision, the fact remains that our leaders will need to improve their remote leadership skills.

Here are 7 things I am thinking about with some of my clients as they plan how to spend development dollars.

1. Creating Emotional Connections. When we are online together it is way too easy to just "get down to business.” I saw this myself this morning when I was working with a client. We jumped on the call together and the client pulled up their action plan and just wanted to get started.

2. Camera Presence. Many folks are really good in terms of how they show up. It is interesting however to put them on camera and they loose eye contact, or look like they have not combed their hair in days. I think we need to start thinking about things like presence if working from home is going to be more of a reality.

3. Delivering Negative Realities. Many of us do not like discussing performance issues in person and yet doing it virtually seems even harder. The camera brings a level of sterility, almost an antiseptic feeling. What is missing is that human element of compassion that just does not seem to translate over video. Some good "how too" training on delivering feedback virtually might be in order.

4. Working On Growth and Development Opportunities. Finding areas of growth for team members might be more difficult because networking in general is more difficult. We may have to be a lot more intentional about networking opportunities and about finding opportunities that fit individual development plans.

5. Linking Employee Work to the Bigger Mission of the Organization. While many of us have not noticed our number of meetings going down, what has changed is how people are feeling connected to the larger mission of the organization. Leaders are going to have to become intentional about connecting individuals to the broader organizational mission.

6. Celebrating Successes. Let's not forget that work can be fun. How can leaders be intentional with celebrating the success of the team or individuals?

7. Have some Fun. Adults want to learn, grow, self-actualize, and have fun. After all, if we are giving 8 or more hours a day to our work, having it be engaging is a good thing. Leaders will need to flex their creativity and have some fun so that people enjoy and want to be a part of the mission.

Finding ways to engage our employees virtually so that we retain and grow talent is key. The way we work is changing. We need to change along with it to ensure our talent is both happy and productive.

Let Them Eat Waffles

As the year winds down, our thoughts will often turn to evaluating the year that we have just experienced and what we want to try and accomplish in the year to come.

Even though 2020 has been a very unique year, this same exercise is happening all across organizations of every size and business structure.  

As you are evaluating your year and thinking about what you want to accomplish in the next one, here is an encouragement I have for you… 

Let Them Eat Waffles! 

Okay, so maybe that needs some explanation…

I was meeting virtually with someone a few months ago. As we talked he described his job in some detail. This guy is a plant manager for an organization that makes all kinds of electronic components. These gadgets go in hundreds of products, he said, everything from airplanes to automobiles to grocery store freezers. His job is to oversee the plant’s manufacturing of these things and to ensure they get to the right customer.  He finished with this…

“Pretty mundane stuff, nothing big.”

That really struck me and made me stop and ask, “Wait a minute…What do you mean nothing big?”

The way my brain works (which is quite odd at times, I admit), I added, “Did you say grocery store freezers?”  

I think you see where this is headed. 

I went on to tell him, “To me, that is a really big deal!” 

You see, the reason that is big to me is that I love frozen waffles. Every time we go to our local grocery store, I take a walk down the frozen waffle aisle to see what is on sale, what is new, and decide what I am going to buy. It is rare that I go to the store and do NOT pick up a box of those delicious frozen treats. 

Then it hit me - what had happened is this guy had lost his vision, his passion for what he does. 

Worse yet, his lack of vision could someday interrupt my breakfast...and I am not okay with that!

Self-Actualization

In the world of emotional intelligence, self-actualization is finding one's meaning and purpose in life. It is the willingness to persistently try to improve and engage in the pursuit of personally relevant and meaningful growth that will lead to a rich and enjoyable life. 

Someone who is self-actualizing acts on the idea that what they are pursuing and involved in actually adds meaning and purpose. For some, it is that they have a calling instead of a job. For others, what they do is an act of service that fulfills his or her destiny as a human being.  It is very much more than what they do, it is about the meaning and purpose they have in life and whom they serve.

I think the myth behind the struggle some folks have is they have lost the link (or maybe it never existed) between who they are and what they do.

If you deliver pizza for a living, what you are doing is feeding a hungry family or bringing joy to a group of people so that they can socially connect. But it is so easy to get lost in the idea that you are transporting a disc of dough with sauce and meat from a store front to a house; and you have to do 100 of them in a night to make any money.

It is really easy for us to lose sight of what we do and become defined by our tasks rather than the bigger vision of who we serve.

You are not delivering pizza, my friend, you are helping cement relational bonds with family and friends. 

You might be trying to discount me right now as being too pollyanna, but I sincerely hope not. I hope you will stay with me and really try to engage in what it is that you are doing with your life.

Who You Serve 

As you are reflecting on your 2020 and preparing for 2021, perhaps as a part of your review you should be asking yourself who it is that you serve and how well you have done that.  Let go of defining yourself by what you do and give some consideration to who you serve.  

The plant manager in my story above plays a critical role in getting component parts to people who need them. Without him and without his team, a poor schmuck like me living in Central Florida would not have waffles in the morning for breakfast...may it never be so. 

As a leader of people, have you lost sight of the vision and the passion for what you do? The people on your team can sense this. Sure, it has been a tough year, a very different year for sure. But you are a resilient person. You are committed to what you do.

Let's make sure the people on our teams and those around us have a clear vision of what they do and how it links to the people you serve.

Think differently as you set goals for next year

I’d like to share a story about an inexperienced leader named Charlie. He shows up to work early and stays late. He’s motivated to move from an individual contributor into his first front-line leader role, but he’s not sure how to make that happen. He’s getting grief from his wife for working weekends, and his heavy workload doesn’t ever seem to ease up. How can he move into a leadership role if he’s buried in his current role?

Charlie’s organization is offering a course on Leading with Emotional Intelligence and his boss is encouraging him to attend the class. Charlie feels conflicted. According to research, if Charlie puts this training in the form of a goal that has a useful future orientation, he is more likely to get the results he is looking for, rather than to put the goal in some prevention connotation.

Research published in the Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies (Sadler, T., Gibson, S., Reysen, S. (2017), reports the effect of a leadership training program on consideration of future consequences. (Journal of Leadership and Organizational Studies, 10(4), 35-42.)

To operationalize this a bit, let’s say that you have a team of leaders who are all functional experts; Human Resources, Engineering, Information Technology, Sales, Manufacturing, Marketing, Finance and so on. This team, in the past, while getting along personally, has conformed to operating in silos. Each person does a great job of representing their own function to the face of the organization, but as a team, they struggled to get the synergy that would propel them to the next level.

The sales leader was always trying to maximize sales and didn’t understand why Marketing couldn’t supply the customer segmentation data fast enough. And why did it take Engineering so long to get the prototype built and delivered to the client?  Engineering, on the other hand, was frustrated with Supply Chain who just couldn’t get realistic estimates on how much materials were actually going to cost.

The president of the organization, realizing the leaders were all doing a great job of representing their individual role, needed to function better as a team. She was encouraged by a colleague to explore the idea of a training program that would focus on team building.  

But would it be successful? Would the organization get synergy from the team development so that the return on the investment would be positive for shareholders?   

A good question. A fair question.

Turns out the data is a little mixed on what should be expected.

A Little Background

It is no secret that organizations spend billions of dollars every year on training people in their organizations. Everything from skill-based training, like how to weld two pieces of metal together, or how to write computer code. From more leadership-oriented topics like Leading with Emotional Intelligence or Writing Your Own Leadership Story, to team building events.

Whether the training is skill-based or cultivating leadership in our organizations, the question always surfaces as to what is the return on investment.  There is research that can help us determine if leadership type training is effective in helping leaders meet their goals. But it depends…

Goal Type

It turns out that when it comes to goals, leaders pursue attainment using one of two strategies:

1. Promotion: concentrating the efforts of achievement on positive proactive and productive results.

2. Prevention: targeting efforts on avoiding negative outcomes.

Let’s revisit our friend, Charlie. If his orientation is more to prevent something bad from happening or toward thwarting a negative future response, then his success in the training and as a future leader is in question.

How can Charlie (or his boss) orientate the training as to get a more successful outcome for him as a leader? If Charlie says to himself, “I want to take this leadership training because it will help me be a better coach and mentor to others in the organization someday,” then the aspect to his goal attainment has shifted.

Charlie is moving from individual contributor to organizational leader, and that is what is going to help him get what he wants.

How are you orienting the goals of folks in your organization?  Are you creating a positive, futuristic orientation of hope for the future, or are you trying to prevent failure?

The orientation of our thinking matters!

What to do when your business vision is stuck

Years ago, I worked with a business leader who had an incredible vision for his organization. He was a passionate leader with excellent communication skills and energy for his mission. He was intellectually and morally solid and cared deeply for the people in his organization.

But he was stuck.

His organization just couldn’t grow the business past a certain industry-standard metric. However, the stagnation issue became evident as we looked over some feedback provided by his peers. One of the interview questions I ask the peers of my clients (as a routine part of my data gathering) was, "What is the vision this leader has for the organization?" After several interviews, the collective response was, “The vision is very clear, but we have no idea what steps we need to take to get started. It is like he has been dreaming of this his entire life and we are catching it for the first time."

As I presented this feedback to the leader and we processed the data together, his knee-jerk reaction was “We don’t have time to wait for them to process this. The time is now! They need to get on board or get out of the way. We are going to miss our opportunity. The timing is just right!"

So I asked,“Is it their lack of urgency, or could it be something else?”

After processing with him for a while, we discovered there was not a lack of urgency on the part of the organization. There was, however, a lack of emotional connection between the leader and his team. The urgency that the leader was feeling for vision implementation and change was being offset by his lack of emotional connection competency of patience. People in the organization need the time to absorb, process, and own the vision themselves.

Patience is devoting the appropriate time and attention to others in ways that enhance meaningful interaction.

Patience is suspending your personal need for satisfaction and action.

Patience seeks to slow down those fast-paced exchanges with others in order to facilitate better decision-making.

Patience is not racing ahead in thought process while missing information that others are endeavoring to share.

Patience is not wasting the opportunities to encourage, inspire, and motivate others.

In leader development, it is always important to keep perspective on a leader who is not connecting emotionally with his team. Without this emotional connection, it is virtually impossible to have the social intelligence needed to achieve organizational effectiveness.

There are a number of reasons a follower may choose to align with a leader. Fully committing to the vision of the leader is a quintessential desire that followers have. What they receive in return for committing to the vision of the leader is an emotional connection with that leader.

In our case study above, the leader has a choice. He can either move forward with his urgency and risk losing his entire vision. Or he can proactively slow down and take the time to encourage, inspire, and motivate his people. By embracing patience and connecting emotionally with his team, he can catapult the vision to the next level with everyone on board.

How are you connecting emotionally with your team? I’d love to hear your comments.