7 Steps to Effective Leadership Coaching

Have you ever felt the itch to start a new project, only to be held back by the fear of the unknown? Perhaps you have watched others dive into the world of social media branding or hesitated for months before considering starting a blog of your own. You're not alone in this struggle.

I vividly recall this type of internal battle when the idea of starting this blog first crossed my mind. For over a year, I grappled with self-doubt and nagging questions: Should I really start blogging? What do I have to say that is worth sharing? What will others think of my thoughts and ideas?

Then, one day, I stumbled upon a podcast by Michael Hyatt, and his words were a game-changer: "Stop thinking about it and start doing it." Those simple, actionable steps he shared gave me the boost of confidence I needed to embark on this journey. And here I am today, years later, reaping the rewards of taking that leap of faith.

It also got me thinking that there are probably many others like me facing similar challenges. Perhaps you are hesitant to step into the world of coaching because you are not sure where to begin. If only there were a clear, step-by-step guide that could instill the confidence you need to get started, right?

That's where my experience comes into play. I reflected on my initial coaching sessions, and I have distilled some core elements that can make every coaching engagement successful. I've outlined these seven steps below to help you kickstart your journey:

7 Steps to Successful Coaching

1. Begin with an open mind :

   Coaching does not happen in a vacuum. We all bring our biases and preconceptions. But as a coach myself, it is crucial to approach every client with an open mind. See them as whole and healthy individuals. Even if you have received different information from others, focus on what your client is telling you.

2. Get to know your client:

   Effective coaching begins with understanding your client on a deeper level. Learn about who they are, their life story, what they do, and what they hope to achieve. Consider crafting a set of universal questions that you can apply to any client, and consider using personality assessments for additional insights.

3. Confirm with the client:

   Validation is key. It is essential that you verify the collected data with your client, ensuring they are confident that you understand their perspective.

4. Compare the data to a standard:

   Once you and your client agree on the collected data, compare it to an acceptable standard. The client must also agree with this standard. If they do not, the data loses its relevance.

5. Identify gaps:

   Gaps represent the space between your client's current behavior and the agreed-upon standard. They reveal the difference between where the client is and where they want to be. Discuss these gaps with your client, gathering real-life examples to illustrate them.

6. Set a plan to close the gaps:

   When crafting a plan with your client, focus on one or two specific actions. This "Stop/Start/Continue" model can be invaluable:

   • What behaviors should they stop?

   • What should they start?

   • What should they continue?

   Don't underestimate the power of 'continue' - often, clients are already doing many things right.

7. Establish a follow-up date.

   This is where most coaching relationships falter. Set a date for follow-up at the end of each session. It maintains accountability and strengthens the coaching relationship.

Leadership coaching is a valuable skill that helps individuals transform their aspirations into actions. Whether you are a professional coach, a supervisor, or a parent guiding a youth soccer team, these seven steps can make a world of difference in your journey toward success.

Homework

Identify someone in your life who could benefit from your coaching style or think about someone you are already coaching.

Reflect on your coaching approach - have you followed all seven steps for a successful coaching relationship? Are there any areas you have missed? And how can these steps help you improve not only your coaching but also your own personal growth?

Share your experiences; let's grow and learn together.

The Essential Role of Leaders: Being Your Team's Lifeline

A few years ago, after a much-needed vacation, I decided to set aside some extra time for writing and research. During this period, my interactions with my coaching and training clients were limited to text and phone conversations. Back then, remote work was not as common as it is now, and this transition was quite a novel experience for me.

About 10 days into this remote working experiment, I noticed something unusual. I was beginning to feel a bit down. It wasn't a full-blown depression, but rather a subtle sense of decline in my overall mood. It felt like I was slowly sinking, and this puzzled me. After all, I had just returned from a relaxing vacation, and I had plenty of meaningful work ahead of me.

But, despite all these positive aspects, there it was—a distinct feeling of not having enough connections to sustain my love for my work.

A lifeline, as defined, is a rope or line used for life-saving, typically thrown to rescue someone in difficulties in water or used by sailors to secure themselves to a boat. Life can throw us into situations that give us a similar feeling of sinking or being stuck. When we lack support to anchor us, we can start to feel alone and hopeless.

From time to time, every one of us needs a lifeline of care and compassion from others.

Understanding Basic Human Psychology

It's widely recognized in the field of psychology that the feeling of isolation can be a key determinant for a wide range of human ailments, from depression to even premature death.

In fact, The Wall Street Journal reported that there are surprisingly few public health initiatives to combat loneliness, despite its status as a health risk "riskier to health and survival than cigarette smoking or obesity."

So, is loneliness a bigger health risk than smoking or being overweight?

If loneliness indeed poses a greater health risk than smoking or obesity, it becomes a matter that leaders should pay much closer attention to. Are there individuals within our sphere of influence who desperately need a lifeline?

The Impact on Leadership

In a revealing study published in October 2017 in the Journal of the American Geriatrics Society, researchers delved into the impacts and categories of social contact, or the lack thereof, that might predict clinical depression. Their findings were illuminating.

They studied over 11,000 people over the age of 50 and found that only face-to-face interaction forestalled depression in older adults. Phone calls made a difference for those with a history of mood disorders but not for others. Surprisingly, email and text messages had no impact at all.

The lifeline that people need, according to this study, is face-to-face interaction.

What Can Leaders Do to Be Part of the Solution?

As leaders, we hold a unique position of influence and responsibility. We can be intentional in providing the lifeline of care and compassion that others may desperately need. Here's how we can adapt a list of steps from Mayoclinic.org, designed to prevent depression, to leader-follower interactions:

• Become Attuned to Stress: Understand what stress looks like for those on your team. Learn to recognize early signs and be proactive in addressing them.

• Regular Team Meetings: Schedule regular meetings with your team members, ideally every 1-2 weeks, or as often as possible, taking appropriate COVID precautions. Prioritize these meetings to foster connections and open communication.

• Listen and Ask Questions: In your interactions with your team, spend most of your time listening and asking questions rather than immediately jumping into "solve mode." Your genuine interest in their well-being can serve as a lifeline of support.

• Face-to-Face Interaction: Whenever possible, meet with your team members in person. If not feasible, use video chat options like FaceTime or Zoom to maintain a more personal connection.

• Boost Confidence: Give your team members assurances that you believe in them and their capabilities. Building their self-esteem can be a powerful form of support.

• Learning from Mistakes: Foster a culture that encourages learning from mistakes. Let your team know that setbacks are part of the journey, and it's an opportunity for growth.

• Spot Check-Ins: During times of high stress, perform spot check-ins with your team members to ensure they are coping well and provide additional support if needed.

• Early Support: If a team member seems down or faces challenges, ask about it early. Your proactive approach can be the lifeline they require.

• Mini-Sabbaticals: Consider offering frequent mini-sabbaticals as a way to rejuvenate and recharge your team's spirit.

How often are you connecting with those you lead? How intentional are you in making connections? Who on your team appears to be struggling and could use the reassurance that you believe in them?

Your lifeline of care and compassion might be precisely what's needed to help your team reach its peak performance. In leadership, as in life, genuine connections and support can make all the difference.

The Secret to Self-Reflection

A while back, I had a conversation with a young man who was interested in applying for his first leadership role. This young soul recounted all of his accomplishments to me: bonuses earned, awards won, and recognition given to him by his organization for his outstanding performance.

As he continued to try and convince me that he was ready to take the next step, I sat back and thought, “Why is he trying to persuade me?”

The Conversation Was Quite One-Sided

As I continued to listen during the conversation, my thoughts turned and I realized that he was not trying to convince me, he was trying to convince himself. Even though he had received rewards and recognition, he knew in his heart of hearts that he was not ready for the role. His peers were being promoted all around him, and this caused him to take on their call as his own.

My role as a coach was not to judge whether he was ready or not, my role was to help him explore his reality so that he could make informed decisions about his own life. After he stopped talking, we ate in silence. A long and very uncomfortable pause ensued, and I said. “You're not ready.” My intention was not to judge him, but rather to shock his ignition and get him thinking.

He immediately became defensive. "What do you mean I am not ready?" he asked. Immediately, he launched into his list of accomplishments again. I let him go on until it seemed he was out of breath. When he finished I said, “You have all the WHAT that you need. You have all of your individual contributions. You have shown your skill and capability. I think you might be missing the HOW.”

“What Do You Mean by the How?”

When he asked me this, I turned to one of my favorite modern-day philosophers, Parker J. Palmer, who wrote, “I now know myself to be a person of weakness and strength, liability and giftedness, darkness and light. I now know that to be whole means to reject none of it, but to embrace all of it.”

My young friend was still trying to embrace all of his strengths as an individual contributor. He was still selling to himself the idea that these attributes were enough for him to lead others. He was also not being completely honest with himself or in his description of his accomplishments. He was grandstanding, and frankly, it made me uncomfortable just listening to it.

So I asked him, “Would you tell me about a time when you worked on a project that did NOT succeed?” Long silence again. I could tell he was stuck.

The thinking in his head must have been like a game of chess, calculating his next best move. He was probably thinking that if he told me about an unsuccessful project then he was admitting to failure and that he would look bad, but if he didn’t tell me anything, then he would look arrogant. I could just see the thoughts rolling around in his head like a pair of dice being shaken. I said, "You see, what Palmer is saying is that you have to know your whole self. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. Until you are ready to embrace your weaknesses, I don’t think you are ready to lead. Begin to think about HOW you accomplished your work, then frame your story around that.”

Self-Regard: The Ability to Respect and Accept Yourself

Self-regard essentially involves liking yourself the way you are. This competency ensures the leader has enough self-confidence that others would want to follow them. That their self-worth is balanced with enough empathy that the leader is going to be able to get through good times and bad.

Eleanor Roosevelt is famous for saying, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." People who have positive self-regard have a real sense of identity and work to overcome feelings of inadequacy or inferiority.

In order to lead others, you must have enough confidence to lead yourself. Then, you must have enough empathy to realize that leadership is not about your identity, but your relationships with your followers that matter. Appreciate your positive qualities, and accept your limitations. Know your strengths and weaknesses. Learn to like yourself. After all, if you don’t, why should they?

Reflection Question:

What value would it provide for you to understand your strengths, and what would it feel like for you to embrace your weaknesses?

Here Is Some Advice That You Can Use..Or Not

From time to time I receive questions from readers asking for advice on how to handle certain leadership situations. One thing you have to know is that I am not big on giving advice. To be able to advise, I think you need a lot of details on the situation the person finds themselves in. There are usually so many details that could sway something one way or another.

Douglas Stone and Sheila Henn in Thanks for the Feedback say that the problem with advice is that it is not specific enough. We tend to give some sage comments without giving enough detail to implement them. Or, we are such experts in something we assume that everyone knows our jargon. For example, “When you deliver your presentation make sure it stands out.” This is interesting, but what does “stand out” even mean?

The other thing that makes advice hard is that when I give it I now own the result. Since it was my idea, it is in some way on me if it doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter if the person didn’t follow my advice the way I laid it out, or if they took some of it, but not all of it. The advice didn’t work and I am in some way responsible. That is usually why I prefer to coach and help people find options that seem reasonable and doable for them to try versus just giving advice.

One thing I had to learn as I was growing as an executive coach, mostly the hard way, is that while coaching is in some respects about helping people solve problems, it is far from telling them what to do. It is more about what Parker Palmer calls “pulling out their inner teacher.” Helping them see options and then supporting the options they choose is, to me, more of what coaching is about.

So, when I get a question from a reader seeking advice, I usually will read it and ponder it for a week or more. I am not thinking about what the person should do in the situation described, or what I would do if I were them. Instead, my thoughts usually turn more to trying to understand the context of the situation they might be in and then coming up with some general guidelines or options they could choose.

With that in mind, I did receive a fantastic question from someone who has read this blog for years.

The Question

“How do leaders know when to intervene in order to promote better collaboration and stop the group in-fighting versus just reorganizing the department? Is there a tipping point where a simple intervention can help to resolve the issue rather than incur an expensive reorganization?”

My Thoughts

As pondered this question, I really saw two very distinct ideas emerging. The first is organizational and the second has to do with how teams function.

The organizational aspect has to do with the needs of the organization and strategically how the group is put together to meet the needs of the organization, while the team function is more about the relationships amongst the members of the group. I want to tackle these areas independently, and then bring them together for you.

The Organization

Teams are formed to meet a specific need that the organization has realized. Teams of people come together in an organized fashion to accomplish a specific set of goals or tasks. They can also come together as change agents. This allows them to move the organization from an old set of objectives to new goals that move it closer to completing its mission and making the vision a reality.

As I step back and think about the question above, if I am going to reorganize a department, then there needs to be a strategic reason. There will likely have been some change, either internally, like a new or redefined mission, or externally, like a shift in customer demands. This type of change to reorganize will be driven by forces external to the team. Something has happened that causes what the team is doing to not be as valuable to the organization. Rather than dismantle the team completely (reorganize), the team is given a new set of goals and objectives that match the external reality.

Reorganizations are chaotic, emotional, and expensive. The external pressures being experienced need to be greater than the emotional and financial cost to reorganize. Reorganizing dysfunctional people on a team only sends the dysfunction to another part of the organization. Dysfunctional people in an organization have attitudes and behaviors that are destructive and if left to their own devices will have a very bad effect on the organization. Just because an organization can afford to do it doesn’t mean that is the right thing to do.

The Relationships of the Team

If teams are not functioning well, a leader or coach has to be able to step into this moment. It takes both personal courage and a mindset that the needs of the organization outweigh any personal agendas that might exist. The leader must have the courage to call out behaviors that are not conducive to good team functioning.

General Stanley McChrystal, in his book Team of Teams, writes that “superteams” are able to construct a strong lattice of trusting relationships. He makes the point that in a true team environment, the leader needs to be less concerned with hierarchy and command; what their position is, and telling individuals what to do, and more concerned with ensuring that trusting relationships are forming so that there is a supportive network to perform.

Trust amongst team members is ensuring people are comfortable being vulnerable about weaknesses, mistakes, fears, and behaviors without fear of reprisal. So, if someone doesn’t know something, they are not judged for the lack of knowledge, but supported in getting the knowledge they need. A teammate should feel a sense of confidence to admit a weakness and have someone on the team come alongside them and say something like “Here, let me help you with that.”

There are three things I find vital for a team to be able to trust each other:

1. Cultural Integrity - As a group, we are always going to do the right thing. If someone on the team is being mean, as a team we are going to go to the person and let them know that this is not how our team behaves. We want to have them on the team, but the culture here is one of kindness and respect. Integrity matters always.

2. Comfort with Vulnerability - Teammates have to be willing to admit their weaknesses and mistakes and can never be penalized or punished when they do. If you are a person who avoids conflict, you should be able to admit this to your team and they need to come alongside and help you get better at this. The team has to believe in you and that you can help them improve. It all starts with a culture of realizing we are all human and we all fall short somewhere.

3. Confidence in the Members - No single one of us holds all the answers. Teams have to believe in the mission and have confidence in each other to tackle whatever is put before them. As individual humans, we crave safety and security. Taking risks is not always a safe feeling. This is the value of the team. As an individual, my need is for safety. The team is there to support each other to take risks and achieve much more than an individual ever could. High-performing teams have confidence in each other.

Back to the question at hand. I would argue that one of the main purposes of the leader of a team is to foster a culture of collaboration that leads to results. Not a collaboration so that every person touches everything, but trusting each other enough to know I don’t have to touch something if you are.

The leader is the person accountable if someone is not living up to the team charter of expectations. The leader should rally the team to their responsibility of pulling that person back in line. If the team won’t do it, then the leader has two jobs. One is with the team to create a culture of team discipline, and the other is with the person who is not living up to team standards by coaching them individually.

My position is that if there is a group in conflict, then the leader is accountable. Maybe if there has to be a reorganization because of this very non-strategic reason, it should come out of the leader’s bonus.

What about you? What advice would you share in response to this very interesting question? Is this advice you can use, or not? I would love your input. Thank you, Jenny, for helping us all think.

If You Hate Change, You Are Not Doing It Right

I have to tip my cap to you! You read the title of this post, and even though it had the word change in it, you continued reading. As a reward, I want to present you with 6 strategies that will help you get your mind right when change is imminent in your life.

Over the past few years, my mantra for this topic of change has been that “people don’t resist change, they just resist being changed.”   We all know that our organizations have to change to stay competitive in the marketplace. How many of us go into a grocery store or a pharmacy and have the person checking us out actually press buttons to get the cash drawer to open?  Not many anymore, right? To that end, how many of you paid cash for any of your purchases last month? Times and technology change, and they change fast.

We don’t always resist change, but we tend to rebel against ourselves being changed. The idea of being changed means that we must leave behind the status quo to become something new. 

For example, I don’t resist the idea of needing to lose 10 pounds, but I don’t want to give up the potato chips that I eat with my lunch. I don’t resist the idea of needing to exercise, but I don’t want to get up an hour early to do it. I know I need to stay calm when something doesn’t go my way, but I don’t really want to make an appointment with a coach to work on my issues.

My 6 Strategies for Adapting to Change:

1. Get Your Mind Right. It is important for you to feel some positive emotions around your feelings of change. If you feel anxious, what do you need to do to turn this anxiety into a more positive sort of excitement?

   • Howard Gardner in his book Changing Minds reminds us to prepare for the barriers that will come when we make changes to ourselves.

   • Anticipate these obstacles and the emotions that will come with them. Then as they happen, you will not be surprised, and they will not have the triggering effect on you they otherwise could have had.

2. Commit to Being Changed. There is no better way to do this than to write it down. I think the first step after becoming aware of a change that you need to make is to commit to it.

   • Why not write down what is being changed and share it with a few people? Then you are held accountable.

3. Understand Your Change Preference.

   • Some of us actually love the idea of change and innovation. We are the first in line when new technology is launched. Others of us are much more conservative and we are more comfortable with what we already know and is predictable.

   • Where most of us actually sit though when it comes to our preferences around change is somewhere in the middle. Researchers call these folks pragmatists, and they might not be the ones who are first in line for new tech, but they certainly will buy the current model before the next one launches (or soon thereafter). 

4. Value Your Change Preference and Act. My good friend Joe Laipple in his book Rapid Change urges leaders to look for natural consequences when they are making changes. Part of valuing something is weighing the positive and negative attributes.

   • So those of you who hate change may appear cautious and you may move slowly so as to not be hurt by the change. However, on the flip side, you can be seen as inflexible and not wanting to work with others.

   • You all know the positive and negative sides of your change preferences, and you find a lot of value in your approach to change. So, with what you know about yourself, find some positive natural consequences while you are changing.

     • Rapid Change recommends things like having fun, making it easy, making it simple, making it quick, and having it feel effortless. As you are changing, the more simple and positive you keep it, the more your desire to act will be. 

5. Plan to Be Resilient. No change process ever goes 100% the way it was planned. There are always things that get in the way, barriers to overcome, and stressors that will try and limit your effectiveness. There are three big ideas to consider when it comes to being resilient:

   1. Stay committed. Life is meaningful even when it is hard. It was worth it for you to start the change, so stick with it.

   2. Stay challenged. Change is supposed to be hard, that is the whole point. Don’t quit because it is hard. Finish and celebrate how hard it was.

   3. Stay in control. With this change, you believe it is the right thing to do and you are making sure you will make a difference in the world. Do things like managing your impulses, getting enough sleep, and eating, right. Have some fun with the journey.

6. Celebrate Your Wins Often. We need to stop looking at change as an event and look at it as more of a process. Doctors do not give newly diagnosed diabetic patients shots of insulin for a month and then declare them cured. Diabetes treatment is a combination of behavioral changes that if implemented can extend a person's life because diabetes is chronic.

   • Change is more of a lifetime or a career process Since change often has a longer-term focus, ensure you are recording milestones and when you hit them, and taking the time to celebrate. However, if you don’t quite hit the milestones, why not celebrate the effort you put into trying to make it happen?

Patience and Urgency:

My encouragement for you as a leader is to embrace the feeling of being uncomfortable as you grow and have patience with yourself. If you are feeling resistance to a change, try turning it around so that the feeling becomes more positive and encouraging. As you do this, celebrate the fact that your emotions were telling you to stay where you were, but you saw the urgency and were able to overcome it and change. Remember, if you hate change, you are not doing it right!

Patience: A Strategy for Getting Unstuck

Years ago, I worked with a business leader who had an incredible vision for his organization. He was a passionate leader with excellent communication skills and so much energy for his mission. He was intellectually and morally solid and cared deeply for the people in his organization.

But He Was Stuck.

His organization just could not grow the business past a certain industry-standard metric. However, the stagnation issue became evident as we looked over some feedback provided by his peers. One of the interview questions I ask the peers of my clients (as a routine part of my data gathering) is, "What is the vision this leader has for the organization?" After several interviews, the collective response was, “The vision is very clear, but we have no idea what steps we need to take to get started. It is like he has been dreaming of this his entire life and we are just catching it for the first time."

As I presented this feedback to the leader and we went over the data together, his knee-jerk reaction was: “We don’t have time to wait for them to process this. The time is now! They need to get on board or get out of the way. We are going to miss our opportunity. The timing is just right!"

So I asked him, “Is it their lack of urgency, or could it be something else?”

After thinking it over with him for a while, we discovered that there was not a lack of urgency on the part of the organization. There was, however, a lack of emotional connection between the leader and his team. The urgency that the leader was feeling for vision implementation and change was being offset by his lack of emotional connection and patience. People in organizations need time to absorb, process, and own the vision themselves. They need patience.

Patience is devoting the appropriate time and attention to others in ways that enhance meaningful interaction.

Patience is suspending your personal needs for satisfaction and action.

Patience seeks to slow down fast-paced exchanges with others in order to facilitate better decision-making.

Patience is not racing ahead in the thought process while missing information that others are endeavoring to share.

Patience is not wasting opportunities to encourage, inspire, and motivate others.

In leadership development, it is always important to keep your perspective on a leader who is not connecting emotionally with his team. Without this emotional connection, it is virtually impossible to have the social intelligence needed to achieve organizational effectiveness.

There are a number of reasons a follower may choose to align with a leader. Fully committing to the vision of the leader is a quintessential desire that followers have. What they receive in return for committing to the vision of the leader is an emotional connection with that leader.

In our case study above, the leader has a choice. He can either move forward with his urgency and risk losing his entire vision. Or, he can proactively slow down and take the time to encourage, inspire, and motivate his people. By embracing patience and connecting emotionally with his team, he can catapult the vision to the next level with everyone on board.

How are you connecting emotionally with your team? I’d love to hear your comments.

How Grateful Are You?

The emotion of gratitude has received a lot of positive press in the last few years. There are many speakers who specialize in this topic, and on this day that we remember September 11, 2001, I want to share my appreciation for this powerful emotion. It was an unbelievable day 22 years ago that most of us who were alive for it will never forget. It is a reminder to practice being grateful for small things and big things every day.

My friend Ken shared his thoughts from his journal on gratitude with me a few years back, which I will share in this post with his permission. I think it might give you a chance to better experience and understand the emotion of gratitude for yourself. 

Gratitude

How do we express it? How do we make being grateful sincere? How grateful are you?

If we are not careful, a form of expression that we express as gratitude is really either appeasement or manipulation. Appeasement could be originally fleshed out as a child when they are told, “Go thank Mrs. Jones for making our family that peach cobbler.” So, we learn to say thank you to placate others.   

On the other hand, for example, we are told by others things like, “Oh, you are so great at writing speeches.” Then the request comes, “Can you help write this speech for me?” Because of that, we end up guarding ourselves against accepting gratitude, because it actually may end up requiring more work from us. We want to receive and express it but are uncertain on how to genuinely do so. 

Ken’s Story

Ken’s story is that he was at a loss for words because he had liver cancer and was in need of a transplant to save his life. I too was at a loss for words and wanted to explore how to express gratitude in this situation. Thank you Ken for your courage and willingness to share your story and to model for so many of us what it means to be grateful:

“On Sunday, January 19th we rushed to Tampa General Hospital as we were told a liver was available, then I was wheeled into surgery on Tuesday, January 21st.   

At times, modern medicine makes us think surgeries are commonplace. Yet it is almost impossible for me to fathom that a group of medical personnel that has successfully removed a liver from someone who had just died would exchange it for my cancerous liver.  How do I say thank you for that?  

The doctors continue to tell me that I am doing exceptionally well. That causes me to think my purpose for “doing well” is much different than the doctors’ purposes.  

Prayers are appreciated for pain relief, being able to sleep, and for overall healing. The doctors tell me that the first 3 months are very important in terms of my body not rejecting the new liver. The great news is that we are all on the right track.

I have so many people to thank. The medical personnel, many of whom I do not know, and my family and friends.  At this point in my early healing stage, simply talking has been extremely exhausting. 

I have, however, listened to every voicemail, read every text, and seen every card. Please know that as I have read each caring gesture, I have intentionally thought back to a time God used you in my life and I gave thanks to our Creator for you. Each and every one of you. 

That is how I have chosen to express my gratitude.  I have sincerely thanked God for each one of you.” 

The Power of Gratitude

I think you will agree with me that Ken has a lot to be grateful for. I think that we all have this powerful spirit within us. To be thankful. To be courageous. To celebrate.

You do not have to have had a liver transplant or go through a tragedy to be thankful and experience gratitude. I, for one, am grateful for you, the people who have crossed my path in life. You have added more joy to me than you will ever know.

Ken, I get it. I am grateful to God for just one more day to be alive and to be able to be in a relationship with other humans. Thank you, my friend, for your courage.

The Heroes of 9/11

I want to express thank you to the first responders and their dedication to assisting their community in a time of great distress. Thank you is not even a strong enough word to express Americans’ gratitude.

One one the worst days in America’s history saw some of the bravest acts in that same history. Americans everywhere have so much gratitude for your work and sacrifices and I pray for each and every one of you and your families. We will always honor the heroes of 9/11 with sincere gratitude for their acts of service.

Are You Happy With Your Level of Well-Being?

A client once said to me, "Scott, I realize I need to take better care of myself. When I do that, I am at my best. I have decided to do yoga when I get up in the morning and exercise again at noon. I am going to be more conscious of my diet and make better choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued.

"Recently, there has been a lot of negativity in my life and I am not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am choosing to be the leader I want to be and not be a weak victim of my circumstances."

His decision prompted me to ask you a question:

How Are You, as a Leader, Focusing On Your Emotional Well-Being?

There’s a great story I know about two out of 180 nuns who were the subjects of a study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you can read the book Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, for some interesting facts and percentages about the nuns.

Studies of longevity are very complex from a purely scientific standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case of. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat basic food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol and they have similar routines. Of course, there are differences such as intellect, depths of spirituality, and outlook on the future that could account for varied results in the study on the nuns.

However, none of these aspects made any difference in the research. In his book, Seligman points out that the largest contributor to their longevity was the sheer amount of positive feelings.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and then make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four Things to Notice About Wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment or you decide to say “screw it” and become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game. A successful existence. This is your life. You only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being:

One of the attributes we measure in Emotional Intelligence training is either happiness or well-being. In our model there are four factors that can comprise well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your beliefs.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life.

Two Considerations for Evaluating Your Own Level of Well-Being:

1. The first is attempting to display as many of these four attributes as you can:

   • Believe in yourself and live according to your values.

   • Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you.

   • Have friends that reciprocate these areas.

   • Realize that things in life are not always going to go your way. What matters is how you respond when setbacks happen.

2. The second is to have a balance between these attributes:

   • For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships.

   • If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful.

   • If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around. It’s all about balance.

As You Think About the Successful Life You Want to Live as a Leader:

Are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

What changes can you make to ensure that you have a good level of well-being and live a long and successful life?

Are Your Goals Making You SORE or Helping You SOAR?

Remember back in January when you had that new year motivation and fresh start attitude? You had all of this pent-up passion for making something change for 2023. You had the idea that something was going to be different this year from your previous rut.

Once you identified the “what” you wanted to change, your next step was to set some goals for yourself. Most of us set goals for work, travel, or even fitness.

Do you remember your goals from the beginning of this year? Do you remember where you wrote them down or typed them? Are they still in legible form or is the sticky note you wrote them on and put on the refrigerator now covered by last month's grocery list?

Have You Made Any Progress on the 2023 Goals You Set?

You might even have named your goals something like Key Results Area, Performance Management Objective, Personal Development Plan, or some other colloquial term that you or your organization or discipline uses.

It is now almost September, and it is time to go back and check in on what was important to you at the beginning of the year. Ask yourself, "Have I accomplished my goals, or did I get off track?”

It can be quite common for people to not to want to review the goals they set earlier in the year, especially if they know they have not made the progress they had hoped. The feeling of discouragement can become overwhelming when we see a lack of progress and we know we aren't where we had hoped to be by now when the goal was originally set.

Stay in the Game.

Discouragement can be devastating when it comes to goals. In my experience, it can be one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.

The goal had meaning and significance to you almost nine months ago, so it's time to start asking yourself some questions as to why you are not making progress on it this far into the year. I want you to know that YOU HAVE NOT failed! You have likely learned a lot in the last eight months about the goal and your progress if you stop and think about it for a bit.

An analogy came to me the other day that may have some application:

In January, you set your goal. Let's say you wanted to exercise three days a week for an hour. Think of this goal as getting on an airplane. You are all buckled in your seat and ready for take-off. You know the goal. It is written down and it actually feels secure and comfortable.

The plane starts down the runway, shakes, and surges as it gains speed. All of a sudden, it is February. You likely have taken a couple of steps toward goal attainment. You are gaining speed and you can feel the inertia of the plane starting to lift off. In regards to your goal, maybe you called around to see what gym would best fit your needs. You went out and bought new exercise clothes and maybe some shoes. The feeling and speed of the change felt good.

Then comes March. The plane reaches 30,000 feet, the seat belt sign turns off, and the plane levels out. And this is also where the exercise doldrums set in. You no longer feel the rush of take-off. You no longer can sense the speed of the plane. This is when goal attainment becomes difficult. This is when it feels like you are not making any progress at all.

This Feeling Is Not Real.

The interesting thing to me is the lie that our emotions give us in this context. While the positive dopamine feeling of starting to work on the goal may be long gone by next month, the important thing to realize is that the plane is still going 450 miles an hour even when you can’t feel it. You are still moving. You are still experiencing progress. Even though you have said goodbye to almost eight months of the year, you are STILL flying. Realize that your plane is still in the air. You have not crashed. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!

Instead of assuming that you are way off track and that you've already failed, step back and look at your goal objectively. Think about the time when you set your goals — were they SMART goals?

Most likely you've heard this acronym here before and even used it when setting goals, but it is also helpful to use to check up on your goals or even get them back on track.

Was It…?

• Specific? When getting specific with your goal, don't just consider what your goal is, but why and how you want to achieve it. Perhaps you want to work on developing young leaders. Your why might be because you want to prepare them for more responsibility in the future and your how will be through professional development workshops or one-on-one mentoring sessions.

• Measurable? Are you able to see where you are right now and where you'll end up? If you are not able to track the progress of obtaining the goal along the way, you'll have a hard time seeing if you succeeded in the end or staying motivated along the way.

• Achievable and Realistic? I feel the A and R in the “SMART” acronym go hand in hand in some ways. When you figure out your goal, how to do it, and when to accomplish it, you have to think about the parameters and circumstances that you are working in that will make it possible. This isn't to discourage you from setting the goal, but rather to encourage you to think about how you will make sure you complete the goal and ensure that it's not out of reach or asking too much from your team.

  At this point, something may have come up this year that has changed your circumstances and deterred your goal. That's okay. Life happens. Instead of seeing it as a failure or no longer attainable, just think about what changes need to be made to your goal, the plan, or the timeline. Don't be tempted to start from scratch. Instead, make less work for yourself by simply re-evaluating and tweaking what's already in progress and steer it back on track.

• Time-bound? Some of you may have set goals that you've already completed, others might feel the pressure of the time ticking away. Use the time as positive pressure to get the work done, not to stress you out. If you feel constrained, give yourself a break and allow yourself more time. If it's a project with a deadline, reach out to your team or manager and see how you can work together to get it completed. Also, consider how you are using your time and what could be distracting you from focusing on your goal. What limits do you need to implement personally to give yourself time and focus to achieve this goal?

Most importantly, remember the WHY behind your goal and the reasons that motivated you to set it in the first place. Visualize what it will look like for you and your team when that goal is accomplished. Write this down and keep it somewhere you'll see it and can read it often. (Perhaps avoid the refrigerator this time!)

Keep yourself in the air and land that goal safely on the ground.

Homework:

Take a look at the goal you set at the beginning of the year. Grab a coach, mentor, or trusted advisor and share with them your SMART goal. Listen to any advice they have for you. Be encouraged by the progress you have made (even if it feels like you are flying in circles). Decide with your support system what steps you need to take to land your plane safely. Set up another meeting with them in November for a progress check and then in December for a celebration of your achievement.

Build a Culture You Can Be Proud Of

“Oh, the comfort…the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure word, but pouring them all right out, just as they are…chaff and grain together…certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”

- George Elliott

As leaders and those who support, mentor, and coach other leaders, I often wonder how well we are living up to those poetic words of George Elliott above. I know Elliott was talking about friendship in his poem, but I do think there is also a great application for those of us involved in leadership.

How We Can Apply Elliott’s Poetry to Our Leadership Lives

Provide Feelings of Safety:

Basic neuroscience tells us that if people feel threatened, they will shut down and protect themselves. This means that if they feel attacked, put down, let down, shut out, disrespected, or judged, the chances that they will be able to perform or even listen to what we are saying as their leaders are slim to none.

If you want your followers to trust you with the issues of their heart (and those that matter to your business), then a culture that creates a feeling of safety is essential. If you create a culture where people can only bring you what you want to hear, this is not a place of safety. This means that people would only feel safe telling you what you want to hear, which can be a huge problem both in friendship and leadership. If you want the trust of your followers, creating a feeling of safety is critical.

Authentic Leadership:

In my training and coaching work, this is a leadership theory I hear used almost as much as “Servant Leadership”, meaning that the servant-leader shares power, puts the needs of others first, and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible. Leaders will say, “I just want to be myself. I don’t want to have to pretend and be somebody I am not. I want to live out my own morals and my ethics as I lead.” I think this is what Elliott is saying about friendship in the quote at the beginning. A friend is someone who shows up just as they are - no pretense and no judgment. They show up with just the ability to be with the other person to listen to and support them. This means that followers can feel free to tell you what they think, and they know that you as their leader will listen without punishing or penalizing them.

Chaff and Grain:

The grain is the good stuff inside a stalk of wheat. The chaff is the outer covering and is not useful for nutrition. This metaphor is that of good and bad, useful and not useful. The leader, coach, or mentor is able to take in the good and the bad together. The follower has developed enough trust in the leader that they can share in both the good and the bad, knowing that the leader will take them, sift them, and let the things that are not helping blow away while savoring the good stuff.

Homework:

• How are you doing in your leadership, mentoring, or coaching in creating a safe, authentic environment where the good and the bad can be shared?  

• What are you leaving on the table by not creating this type of culture?

• Have a discussion with a trusted advisor about ways you may be inhibiting trust in your organization.

• How might you be creating barriers to the performance of your followers because they do not feel safe?

Solving the Right Problem Using Emotional Intelligence

Lately, I have been really frustrated by something. In my work, it’s something I do quite a bit of and sometimes it is really hard.

Writing!

You’ve heard versions of this angst from nearly everyone who has to write anything for any reason. You’ve definitely heard it from bloggers, coaches, or students who have a thesis that is due.

It sounds something like one of these statements:

• “I want to write, but I am afraid I won’t know what to communicate.”

• “I have been able to write in the past, but now nothing is coming to me.”

• “Writing is a passion for me but I just don’t have the time right now.”

• “Who, me? Write? What would I say? Who would read it?”

As you read over this list of reasons for not writing, does anything jump out at you as your own?

I have a suggestion for you to consider anytime you are working on solving a problem and trying to figure out why you are frustrated.

In each of the examples above, there is either explicit or implied emotion attached to the “writer’s block.”

Feelings such as fear, anxiety, or frustration creep in and are communicating something to us. These emotions often accompany any problem we are trying to solve or any goal we are trying to achieve. In fact, these emotions are what make us human. Every thought we have, everything we experience, comes with a feeling.

For example, as I write this post on a beautiful morning, I have a cup of hot coffee sitting next to me. The sun is just coming up over the horizon with a hazy yellow intensity that somehow fades into the color blue as the light from the sun becomes more invisible to my eye. As I experience this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I am experiencing the sunrise and I feel grateful. The experience comes with an emotion.

You should try this simple exercise some time. See if you can become aware of the emotion you are feeling at any given moment. Maybe at your kids’ sporting activity this weekend, you become grateful that they can run and play. Perhaps you are attending a small gathering of close friends for the first time in a long time and you are feeling joy just being with people you love. Maybe you are doing some deep house cleaning, and you feel proud of yourself and the progress you are making.

Paying attention to our emotions can be really valuable for us. Not only when things seem good, like watching a beautiful sunrise, but also when they are not so good, such as when we have writer’s block and don’t know what to write about.

Emotions and PROBLEM-SOLVING

Your emotions are always communicating something to you. They are trying to tell you something about what you are currently experiencing or thinking.

What I have found is that when I am frustrated with writing, I am often not working on the right problem. The problem is not in my writing.

I wonder if you have ever experienced something similar? You might have a problem you are trying to resolve that is really frustrating, but then you realize that you are not trying to solve the right problem.

When I get writer's block, for example, the problem is rarely that I truly cannot write. The problem is that I have not been reading enough! For me, to be able to read means doing research, studying, and paying attention to what is going on around me. It is amazing to me that when I get the feeling that I cannot write, or that I am stuck, when I reframe the problem, the answer becomes more clear to me.

The problem is not that I cannot write. The problem is that I am so busy that I have not been reading or observing what is going on around me.

When I cannot write, I need to sit down and read. When I pay attention to what my emotions are telling me, I can see my world differently, and often with more beauty and grace.

How about you? Has something been frustrating you lately? Have you been working on something and not getting the results you had hoped for? Why not step back for a moment and consider if you are really solving the right problem, to begin with?

Have a Longer and More Successful Leadership Life

One of my clients had a profound impact on me at a certain time in my life. What I heard him say is:

"Scott I realized that I have to take care of myself. I am at my best when I am taking care of myself. I decided that I am going to do yoga when I get up in the morning, and I am going to exercise at noon. I am also going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason for the changes, he continued,

"There has been a lot of negativity in my life recently, and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am going to choose the leader I want to be and not be a victim of circumstance."

Absolutely Profound

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward a more successful existence."

Four Things to Notice About Wellness:

1. It is an active process. It is something you have to devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

2. It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

3. Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment, or you become a victim of your circumstance.

4. There is an end game: a successful existence. This is your life, and you only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

The National Wellness Institute describes six different dimensions for us to consider as we examine our own well-being:

1. Emotional

2. Occupational

3. Physical

4. Social

5. Intellectual

6. Spiritual

This week I want to focus on your emotional well-being as a leader.

The Story

One of my favorite authors is Martin Seligman. As a past president of the American Psychological Association, he has credibility from a research standpoint that is really meaningful to me. In addition, Martin is a gifted storyteller who can weave a story together and then bring home a point that has a real impact and causes me to pause and examine my own life.

One of my favorite stories that Martin tells us in his book Authentic Happiness. He details the stories of two of 180 nuns who are the subjects of an impactful and noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all of the details, you must read the book. Here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are admittedly dicey and very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case for. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat similar food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and they have similar routines. Sure there are some other differences that could account for the results, like:

• Different levels of intellect

• Different depths of spirituality

• Different outlooks about the future

However, none of these criteria in the research made any difference. The thing that Seligman points out that made a difference in the longevity of the nuns was the number of positive feelings expressed. If longevity is at least one measure of successful existence, then the positive outlook you have on life definitely matters.

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

In the Emotional Intelligence training I do as a part of my consulting, one of the attributes we measure is that of happiness or well-being. In the model we use, there are four factors that can comprise someone’s well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your values.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life.

Here are two important considerations as you evaluate your own level of well-being:

The first is that you display as many of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends and ensure that there is reciprocity. Realize that things are not always going to go your way. It isn’t a case of whether or not you are going to have a setback in life, it is when. What counts is how you respond to it.

The second is that you have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful and in it for yourself. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance the four attributes of emotional health above?

Homework

Rate yourself on a scale from one (low) to 10 (high) on each of the four attributes of well-being above. Are you maximizing each attribute? Are all four of the attributes in balance with each other? As you reflect on these, what changes would you need to make to live a longer and more successful life?

Will These Three Ideas Help You Succeed?

What questions have you been asking yourself as you build your success story? Perhaps one is, “As HR Vice President, what does leadership development look like?” Or, “As a sales leader, how can I balance work and family?” Or possibly, “As a Church Pastor, what do I need to do to grow my congregation?”

These are tough, yet realistic problems that we face as professionals, but I think we need to reframe the questions.

Any coach (whether formal or informal, external or internal, paid or volunteer, executive, life or organizational) must have the skill of listening and then reframing questions. Reframing a question provides a different perspective on the issue at hand.

As a coach, it is my job to reframe questions in order to help you get to the heart of the matter. Rather than asking about leadership development, I would challenge you to ask the real question, “What do I need to do to get promoted to my next role in the company?”

Or if you’re a sales leader, what I really hear you asking is, “If I sacrifice time with my family, will it be worth it financially?”

Or to the pastor, I would reframe the question as, “What should I be doing to grow my church?”

Please don’t misunderstand my point. I do think that people want to know how you approach things, how you set goals, how you solve problems, how you prioritize resources, and how you assess risk. But, the answers they want will direct back at themselves. Enter the world of what psychologists call self-efficacy.

Three ideas

Self-Efficacy is a fancy term for belief in yourself, and confidence in the capabilities and talents you have been given and developed. Studies have shown that the confidence you have in your capabilities affects your performance and is linked to happiness, satisfaction, and well-being. All of these attributes in one way or another link to success.

Research published in the December 2016 issue of the “Consulting Psychology Journal” outlines that you can help those you coach to be more successful by following three simple ideas:

1. Invest the Time: The confidence of the person increases as the coaching relationship evolves over time. As you coach others over the course of your conversation, notice how their confidence increases toward the coaching objective. When it does, make them aware that you are seeing this increase in confidence.

2. Say it Out Loud: The more the client verbally articulates their confidence, the higher the achievement of the goal actually becomes. “I am going to do this” types of statements show confidence in the client's ability. The more they make commitments out loud, there is an increased likelihood of believing in themselves.

3. Ask the Right Question at the Right Time: In this study, questions asked by coaches fell into three categories:

   • Open-ended - “What do you want to do?"

   • Proposing Solutions - “Could you search for other companies that offer better possibilities?”

   • Provide Support - “You know what? That sounds like a great idea."

The research points to proposing solutions as the only effective method of triggering self-efficacy statements in the very first coaching session. While the other two methods are also valid, they merely enhanced the confidence of the other person throughout the coaching engagement.

As you work with and coach others on your team, especially if you have more of a long-term relationship, focus on asking them open-ended questions and providing support for the ideas they bring to the table. Too many of us fall into the trap of proposing solutions because it makes us feel better about ourselves or like we added real value.

I would argue that the value you bring is the investment of time and the belief in the person you are coaching. The research says that the value of you proposing solutions early in a coaching relationship does little to improve the confidence or belief in the mind of the person you are working with.

How would your work environment change if you focused on building the confidence of others in your organization? Will these three ideas we discussed help you succeed?

When you are coaching others, resist the temptation to make the coaching about you by offering advice and providing them with solutions. Really focus on practicing open-ended questions and providing your client with the support they need.

Two Helpful Tools for Improving Team Health

A few years ago I had the opportunity to facilitate a discussion for a team on how they could become healthier as this team.

They were by all accounts high performing - made up of “top guns” from the industry. They were a group whose contact list went three and four layers deep into important and influential customers. They had done a remarkable job as a team, pulling their share of the weight for what needed to be done in the organization. They were hitting all of their yearly goals by the third quarter of that year.

The premise for team health is that there is a synergy that happens where the team can do amazing things that no single member could ever achieve on their own. When there is team health there is a feeling of invincibility.

This is when there is a chance for performance to increase

On the flip side, when teams are not healthy, like when certain aspects of performance become overemphasized, other parts of the systems that make us human can become damaged. And while it may look like we are performing, the results are short-term. Worse, the synergy that is anticipated never happens.

I had a conversation with a physician friend about this idea of extremes in performance when it comes to human health. This physician is actively involved with athletes in a consulting capacity and recalled a meeting he was in preparing a local community for a race. This race is fairly well known so, as you can imagine, the health of the athletes is really important. The people in charge of the race convened a committee of 20 physician marathon runners and my friend chaired the committee. The interesting thing about the group of physician-runners was that all of them were under the age of 55, and that of the 20 runners, about 40% (8) of them had heart stents. High performers in any discipline have to think deeply about all of the systems that go into their performance. Failing to do this will put undue stress on one aspect of the system, ultimately causing a breakdown in the ability to perform.

My Story

The objective given to me by the organization that hired me was clear: The folks on this team needed a perspective that they are leaders in the organization. To achieve this, they needed to learn to better understand themselves and lead themselves as leaders.

Those of you who love to study how organizations learn will recognize the task as one that involves double-loop learning. The group I was working with needed to examine some of the basic assumptions they had about themselves and then how the organization defined performance. Double-loop learning encourages teams to ask clarifying questions about how they identified the problem, what processes they used to understand the problem, what they can learn from the problem, and how they can apply that learning in the future.

To get this team to see their performance in a new way, they needed to think differently about what this term means and then develop some new ways of going about their work.

Two Ways To Encourage Learning

Two ways that leaders can foster learning on teams are: by providing opportunities for exploration and for advancement.

1. Exploration stimulates innovation, new ways of thinking, and creative processes to develop new products or incorporate new technology. One of the exercises I took this team through was how to be better listeners. I gave them some guidelines on how to listen better and focus on the needs of the other person. Then they were given a listening partner and a set amount of time in which they were to do nothing but listen to the other person. We did three rounds of these questions and each time the questions got more difficult to just sit and listen to.

   The idea here was to give the team a new way of thinking about listening. As a leader, it is good to have a perspective or opinion but know that the broader organizational teams also have opinions and ideas. The takeaway for this group is that if they listened with more intensity, then they would understand the perspective of others on the team and be able to create the organizational synergy that senior management was expecting.

2. Advancement is when teams look for ways to improve existing processes or products while incorporating innovation and creativity. Leaders encourage team learning through experimentation, providing resources, implementing reflective practices, and celebrating victories during the learning process. One of the unhealthy behaviors that had surfaced on this team is that when something did not go their way, rather than engaging in healthy conflict, they internalized and awfulize the issues. So if one of their members was inadvertently left off of a meeting invite list, rather than be more assertive and reach out to the meeting organizer, the team would say, “It is not our place to get invited, if they don’t value our input then that is their fault.” As a team, we worked on understanding our individual conflict styles and then improving processes where they needed to be flexible from their default conflict style.

As a leader, it is your responsibility to care for the health of your team. It is my hope you will continually be looking for ways to use exploration and advancement tools to improve the health of your team.

A Surprising Thing About Coaching

Surprise is an interesting emotion. Unlike disgust, which carries a negative theme, or happiness, which emotes a positive feeling.  Surprise is an emotion that can go either way, positive or negative, and can also shift from negative to positive in the blink of an eye.

Here is an example:

“Surprise, you are getting a raise!” Unexpected and positive. How fun!

“Surprise, we are downsizing and your services are no longer needed.” Unexpected and negative. Not so much fun.

I can even recall when my wife Kim told me we were going to have our third child around over 30 years ago… ”Surprise, I am pregnant!” I think those were her words. 

“Holy Crap!” This was unexpected and I had a feeling of fear, replaced in a nanosecond by a feeling of overwhelming joy. Then, “Really, that is amazing!” followed by an unexplainable feeling of love and closeness with my spouse.

Surprise has a way of intensifying our other emotions

According to Ingred Fatell Lee, author of the book Joyful: The Surprising Power Of Ordinary Things To Create Extraordinary Happiness, the element of surprise acts like a magnifying glass for joy by giving the tiny pleasure heightened significance.

Surprise is one of the six primary emotions identified by psychologist Paul Ekman and is necessary for a human because it can quickly divert our attention from one thing to another. Surprise is a kind of warning signal to say “Hey, pay attention to this new thing, that other thing you were concentrating on needs to be unprioritized, and this new thing needs some focus.”

Surprise ranges in intensity from amazement to a mild distraction.  

I Was Surprised

I once had a conversation with a friend who was trying to get a better idea of what my coaching business was all about. “Tell me what you do again?” he asked.

“In a nutshell, I help people get an idea of what their leadership looks like,” I told him.  “By using some assessments, and interviewing people they interact with, I give them a mosaic of what their leadership looks like. I then come alongside them and help them make any changes they see in their approach.”

“And they pay you for that?” He said to me, rather surprised!  “Sounds like you get paid to be people’s friend.”

Interestingly, I had just read an interesting and quite provocative article by Christopher Shelly titled “A Friend Officiated Our Wedding And Now My Husband’s Dead.” (Isn’t that title a bit surprising?) Here is a link to the article if you are interested: A Friend Officiated Our Wedding And Now My Husband’s Dead.

To save money this couple….

• Hired a friend to officiate their wedding. It is a disaster, but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to cater the reception. It is a disaster, but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to fix the transmission in their car. It is a disaster but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to do open heart surgery on her new husband….

I think you can see where this is going.

I once heard Dave Ramsey, the author of Total Money Makeover, say, “If you own a $200 car then you can afford to try and fix it yourself. If you own a $20,000 car then you probably should have a professional work on it.”

Like this, can you coach people in your own organization? Sure you can! And I would even argue that a culture of coaching in an organization is a very positive thing.  Don’t be surprised. When you need a professional, hire one. 

How to Have a Productive Feedback Conversation

An old colleague once called me when he was having some trouble getting someone on his team to accept the feedback he was giving:

“I keep telling her that she needs to build stronger relationships with others on the team. She is just so direct that nobody wants to work with her. She is technically the most skilled person on the team but she doesn’t realize that it is ok if others do things differently than she does. It is to the point that no one wants to work with her on anything anymore. One person told me that she probably needs to approach her work with the attitude that everyone is doing their best and that we all have good intentions. Sure she is really smart, but what good is that if no one wants to be around her?”

My friend then said to me that he would try in a roundabout way to give her a positive comment, then give her the critique, and then follow this with what a good person she is.

Ever been in a space like this? Where you are trying to give someone feedback but it is like you are talking to a wall? Or maybe the person seems open and friendly, but you cannot move the conversation past your relationship.  

Maybe you had someone try some technique on you like the “feedback sandwich” I explained above, where they build you up to tear you down and then try and save the day with some meaningless positivity that is more therapeutic for them than it is for you? “Ok, just stop,” I told my friend. “Let’s talk about productive feedback and how really to have a productive conversation.”

How to Have a Productive Feedback CONVERSATION

1. Become biased for action

2. Consider the relationship

3. Appreciate what is possible

Now put these action steps in the proper order for the effective feedback you need. Did you find that you had an “aha” moment as you tried to figure out the order? Reflect on your thoughts for a moment.

Perhaps you find yourself saying that feedback is all about being biased for action. After all, the reason you are giving the person feedback is so that they can have the information they need to make the changes that others see are needed. You are not having a feedback conversation for your own health or just to hear yourself talk (although it could seem that way sometimes to some people).

According to James Flaherty who writes on effective coaching conversations, these three steps all need to happen if someone is going to change a behavior, but the order they happen in is critical. For example, if you do not have a firm enough foundational relationship, getting a person to act on feedback is futile. You could pay them all the compliments in the world, but when the criticism comes, they go immediately into a protective defensive posture.

From the list of those three things to consider for productive feedback, let’s consider the most important of these three, the relationship.

Consider the relationship

In order for any feedback to resonate with the receiver, the relationship with the provider of the feedback is critical. Good interpersonal relationships have some core elements to them which are often taken for granted.

• First, they are mutual. This means that both parties derive satisfaction from being together. This relationship cannot be forced. Even if we do not get to choose who we have on our team or the boss we work for, we have to freely decide on our own will that we are going to be in the relationship.

• Second, the reason the relationship exists is due to some foundational core commitments. The commitments we make to each other are critical because all relationships are going to have ambiguity and misunderstanding, and without solid core commitments, it is hard to maintain a relationship.

• Third, the relationship must contain trust and compassion. For feedback to be absorbed by the receiver, trust must be present. For trust to flourish, compassion must be present. Having compassion means that you understand me and will not abandon me when I am down.

How do you think Considering the Relationship affects productive feedback? I’d love to hear your comments below. I hope this post helps you have a productive feedback conversation the next time one arises.

Never Work a Day in Your Life: Independence Day Edition

As a leader, I suspect there might be some things you need to experience that you already know of that will help you to feel as if you will “never work a day in your life”. In honor of Independence Day tomorrow, I thought I would share some of the things that have helped me stay energized after a conference, or maybe after taking some time off, as you might this weekend. These things help me feel like my work is that much more rewarding and enjoyable.

MY LIST

1. Exercise.

   My wife and I have been known to exercise by either going for a long bike ride or doing Orange Theory workouts. There is something about my workout that gives me energy and life. I don’t always love doing it, but I realize that I don’t like how I feel when I am not exercising regularly more than I dislike the actual exercise. So, for me, exercise has become part of what I do for energy.

2. Diet. 

   Small meals more frequently help me a lot. Also, no junk food. Mostly fruits, vegetables, fish, lean meats, and nuts. When I eat healthy I just feel better than when I eat a bunch of processed junk. I definitely also have more energy when I am consistent with my diet.

3. Sleep.

   7-8 hours every night is ideal for the average person. I am a believer that this one might be more important than the first two on my list. Mathew Walker, in his book, Why We Sleep,  explains that we have work policies about smoking, substance abuse, ethical behavior, injury, safety, and disease prevention, but insufficient sleep, another harmful and potentially deadly factor, is commonly tolerated and even encouraged. Too many leaders, according to Walker, mistakenly believe that overworking someone equates to better task completion and productivity.

4. Fun. 

   This study by Barbara Plester and Ann Hutchison explored the relationship between fun and workplace engagement, and what they found out was that workplace fun offered employees a refreshing break and created positive feelings for the people about their work. If it was fun, the employee was more likely to be engaged in the work or the “flow.”

5. Sabbath.

   Many will see this word and immediately run from it as some kind of religious icon. I don’t see Sabbath that way. The origin of the word Sabbath likely comes from Abrahamic traditions and is associated with the biblical creation story where God creates the physical world we experience in 6 days, then on the 7th day, He is said to rest. Because of this story, some will reject the idea right away. Others will make it an idol and will worship the day and miss the point entirely.

   To me, the Sabbath is when I rest and live my life differently from how I live it the rest of the week. I set it apart and rest in it. For me, it may include worship and meditation. It may include a different form of exercise, or cooking a meal I wouldn’t normally cook. It is not a set of rules or do’s and don’ts but it is an idea that the day is different. I really like what Dallas Willard is quoted as saying, “If you don’t come apart for a while, you will come apart after a while.”  

I hope you enjoyed your Sabbath if you took one this 4th of July holiday. Have a safe and Happy Independence Day tomorrow. And, get some rest!

An Effective Strategy to Stop "Awfulizing"

I can remember as a young 18-year-old driving from Peoria, Illinois where my family lived, to Des Moines, Iowa, the home of Drake University. I was a very young college student in my second year of Pharmacy school. I had decided to not take the interstate and instead to meander along the back roads through some small towns in Illinois and Iowa. The ‘66 Chevy Belair I drove I had inherited from my grandfather, was named “Old Blue” because right before it was passed down to me, he had taken it to get a $99 paint job and he chose a baby blue color.

I was only about 60 miles from home when all of a sudden Old Blue didn’t want to go any faster than 35 miles an hour. The speed limit at the time was 55 miles an hour on those highways and cars were passing me by. During those years as a “young macho driver”, this really embarrassed me. In those days, driving fast was just what we did. My memory is that speed limits seemed more like suggestions than laws. I even had a theme that I drove by: “Nobody passes Old Blue!” It wasn’t macho that I was feeling at that moment, however. It was actually something just a little short of terror. What was wrong with this car? What had I done? 

My mind starts racing:

• Did I forget to change the oil?

• Had I blown the engine?

• Did I put the wrong kind of gas in the tank?

• All of this, however, was secondary. My biggest fear was that my dad was going to kill me.

Awfulizing

I was awfulizing because my Dad was not literally going to kill me, but that real feeling came from somewhere.  It was probably because I was the first-hand witness when my brother wrecked my dad's prize Cadillac by speeding and hitting something that almost tore the transmission out of the car and we seriously thought my dad would kill him. He did not.

In reality, my dad was a really kind and loving person. He would do anything for anyone at any time. I can remember going with him to fix people’s hot water heaters after dinner on a random Saturday night or tagging along to help his friends build houses or work on their cars. Alongside this positive trait of his was a strong sense of responsibility. If he told me or my brother to do something, we had better do it. While he didn’t use the exact words, he expected it to be done with excellence. I think that gene still gets expressed in my work today. 

strategy

This is probably my first recollection of the experience of the term awfulizing. I use it now to describe when something goes wrong and the event, which normally isn’t that bad in reality, all of a sudden becomes a catastrophe in someone’s mind. 

Examples from my story include:

• All of a sudden my car won’t go over 35mph.

• I probably forgot to change the oil and without an oil change, the engine will blow up. When the engine blows up, I will have destroyed the car.

• This was my grandfather’s car and a gift to me to care for. If I don’t care for this car, I will be seen as irresponsible by my dad, who I thought wanted to kill my brother for wrecking his Cadillac.

What is the strategy or the solution?

This is the point where emotion takes over from reality. This emotion can cause someone to be afraid of the wrong thing.  Can they stop this awfulizing so they can think more rationally?

Turns out, psychologists have actually studied this phenomenon. What happens is that our feeling of anxiety doesn’t have the ability to create probabilities. For example, based on the situation of my car not going over 35mph, there was probably only a 10% chance my dad would actually be very upset. And then there was also a 15% probability that I had just forgotten to change the oil. 

My brain, when my car wouldn’t go over 35mph, became very anxious. I couldn’t rationalize that there was almost no chance that the reason that this car wouldn’t go faster is that I missed an oil change. My brain associated car problems with my lack of knowledge (or memory), and created the short-term anxious feeling that can actually build and build on itself. Something small can become something quite large in our minds very quickly.

Some examples are:

• That report that was due yesterday might have you fired if you turn it in late.

• That bill you forgot to pay will put you in bankruptcy.

• That customer you forgot to call will now close their account with you.

• Forgetting to change the oil right after the 5000th mile has your engine blowing up.

So, we awfulize. We “make a mountain out of a molehill”, as my grandma used to say. Our emotions have a way of making something quite small into something quite large and neither of these are actually real.

Remedy

As it turns out, there was just a mechanical issue with the car.  As you probably have already guessed, it had nothing to do with the engine, the oil, or anything else that I was worried about. The timing chain had broken and the transmission wouldn’t shift out of second gear. It was not a big deal in reality, about a $140 dollar repair back then.

For everyone who tends to awfulize more than they want to admit, I want to introduce a couple of practical tools that I use in my executive coaching practice when my clients are in an awfulizing mode.

1. Practice good self-care.  There is no substitute for lowering these stressful moments through prevention. Just like changing the oil in the car can keep the engine from blowing in the future, so can taking care of yourself. This self-care might not take the awfulizing away completely, but it can lessen its effects and frequency. You can practice:

   • Getting 7-8 hours of sleep.

   • Eating a balanced, nutritious diet.

   • Do some weight-bearing exercises or yoga.

   • Practice relaxing or working on deepening your spiritual practices.

2. Implement a “stop” method. 

   • A stop method is a process that can help you get your rational thinking mind back. The first step has you stop the awfulizing and disconnect from the emotion at the moment.

   • Take a deep breath. Focus on someone else who needs your empathy.

   • Propose a question to yourself and reframe your circumstances. 

3. Report the facts. 

   • Take the temporary feeling of anxiety that you have and report just the facts.

   • Don’t just report the inflammatory facts that you want them to be, but the real facts of the situation.

Had I known any of the strategies like the ones above, I likely could have saved myself hours of emotional turmoil. Why did it take me over 50 years to learn this? Deal with the facts as they are, try and resolve the issue at hand, and relax. Stop awfulizing. You got this!*

*I want to take time here to acknowledge something very important. There are people who have clinical anxiety and are under the care of a physician. They are not just stuck in a case of awfulizing. If that is you or someone you know, there are great mental health professionals that can help you get the relief that you need.

4 Strategies for Leaders to Think More Critically

I was on the phone one day with an old friend who was retiring from his job of 30 years but felt like he was still too young to just spend his days fishing and playing golf. So, we started talking about what it is like to be in business for yourself. As the conversation went along, he asked me “Do you know the story of the turtle on the fence post?"

This story, that I wanted to share in honor of Father’s Day yesterday, is about a father and his daughter driving along the road in West Texas. The road was long and straight and there was nothing but concrete, blue sky, and fence posts to look at. It seems like they had driven for hours to the point where all they saw was fence post….fence post…..fence post. If you have driven in West Texas you know what this can be like. Fencepost…fencepost…fencepost with a turtle on it….fencepost…Then the young girl turned to her dad and said, “Did you see that turtle on the fencepost? I wonder how it got there!”

The story has been around for a long time, and yet, as I was thinking about the relationship between coaching and leadership it really struck me as impactful. As both coaches and leaders, we get mental pictures of how we are seeing the world. One very important task we all have is to be able to ask the right questions in order to get our clients and teams to broaden their perspectives when obstacles arise. Being open to perspective is the key to understanding and a sure sign you are at a minimum being empathic. The father, seeing a teachable moment, pulls the truck off the side of the road, turns to his daughter, and says, “The question isn’t how the turtle got there. The question really is WHO put the turtle there?”

Leadership Application

As leaders, so many times we see it as our job to have all the answers. We can have this insatiable desire for information or for knowledge. We fall into the trap of thinking that the person with the information is the one who has the power in a relationship.  While it is foolish to discount the importance of having information, I have come to believe that it is the person who asks the right questions that really sets the tone and the agenda in the organization.

In the story about the turtle on the fence post, the daughter had the information. She was able to observe what was going on in her world. She even asked her dad an interesting question. She did not assume she could explain the quite unnatural phenomena herself. In front of her was a turtle on a fence post. This was: unnatural, interesting, alluring, and intriguing.

All of these would be natural responses to seeing a turtle on a fence post.  And she also did not do something mindless, like go on her phone and mindlessly scroll through her social media pages. She is present and asks a question of her dad, in fact, a good question, a reasonable question.  “How did the turtle get there?” The father knew that in this case, the answer to the question lay deeper.

4 Strategies for Leaders to Think More Critically

As I was thinking about the story of the turtle on the fence post and how it might apply to leadership, four main things came to mind about strategies for leaders to think more critically.

1. Be careful not to rush to judgment.

   This is a real trap for the experienced leader. A young person brings a problem into the office and rather than ask for understanding or context, the wise sage says, "I have seen this 100 times in all my years…."

   While having experience is important, as leaders we must be cautious in playing the experience card. Experience can give the impression of certainty. Certainty brings with it an idea of mitigation of risk. "I have seen this before and this is what will work."

   The problem with certainty is that there is no room for creativity or curiosity. There is no room for learning for that young leader. There is no place for them to develop their own set of experiences so that they have things to judge against in the future.

2. Be open and curious in your questioning.

   The main point here is for the leader to work hard to be unbiased and to be really genuine. We have to have our curiosity meter set on maximum as well as our genuine interest be on helping the other person.  

3. Co-create reality.

   Leaders who are skilled at critical thinking have the ability to co-create reality with those they are working with. Develop the ability to come up with questions for which you have no answer.  These types of questions will help to create the reality that you and your followers are experiencing.

   As you think about the turtle on the fence post, remember that the father knew that there was no way the turtle could have gotten there on its own. There was some assistance that was needed.  “How” the turtle got there was not going to get the conversation much further.  “I don’t know” is about the only answer you could expect to get. In this case, the person who might come into your office might be left with “Well, let me see if I can go find some reasons for turtles to be on a fence post and I will get back to you.”

   But the father circumvented this by changing the question.  By changing the question, the little girl now can co-create the reality with her father and a teachable moment comes about.  As the question changes from “how” to “who," the leader is able to set the agenda and the follower is able to enter into this reality as a co-creator of what can be versus just describing what is.

4. Think about WHO as much as you think about HOW.

   Almost once a week I find myself in a conversation with someone looking for a new job. Their questions often go something like: “I am thinking about looking for a new job and was wondering if you could take a look at my resume?” My standard reply has become, “Who do you know there? Who do you know in the industry?” 

   Call me old school, but it is the person hiring who gets me the job, not my resume. How you got to the interview and all of your great experience IS NOT getting you the job that you desire. I guarantee it is the hiring manager who is going to bring you on the team.

So let’s remember these strategies and the story of the turtle on the fencepost when we need to think more critically. Do you have any additional tips to improve your critical thinking?

Having a Longer and More Successful Leadership Life

One of my clients had a profound impact when he told me:

"Scott I realized that I have to take care of myself. I am at my best when I am taking care of myself. I decided that I am going to do yoga when I get up in the morning, and I am going to exercise at noon. I am also going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reasons for the change, he continued,

"There has been a lot of negativity in my life recently, and I am not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am going to choose to be the leader I want to be and not be a victim of circumstance."

Absolutely Profound.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four Things To Notice about Wellness:

1. It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

2. It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when good or bad health choices present themselves?

3. Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment, or you become a victim of your circumstance.

4. There is an end game: A successful existence. This is your life, and you only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

The National Wellness Institute describes six different dimensions for us to consider as we examine our own well-being:

1. Emotional

2. Occupational

3. Physical

4. Social

5. Intellectual

6. Spiritual

Let’s focus on your emotional well-being as a leader today.

The Story

One of my favorite authors is Martin Seligman. As a past president of the American Psychological Association, he has credibility from a research standpoint that is really meaningful to me. In addition, Martin is a gifted storyteller who can weave a story together and then bring home a point that has a real impact and causes me to pause and examine my own life.

One of my favorite stories that Martin tells us in his book Authentic Happiness. He details the stories of two of 180 nuns who are the subjects of an impactful and noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you really need to get the book, it is a great read. I learned that 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%. 54% of the most cheerful percent was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are admittedly dicey and very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case for. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead a very similar life. They eat similar foods, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and they have similar routines. Sure there are some other differences that could account for the results:

• Different levels of intellect

• Different depths of spirituality

• Different outlooks on the future

However, none of these criteria in the research made any difference. The thing that Seligman points out that made the most difference in the longevity of the nuns was the number of positive feelings expressed. If longevity is at least one measure of a successful existence, then the positive outlook you have on life matters!

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

In the Emotional Intelligence training I do, one of the attributes we measure is that of happiness or well-being. In the model we use there are four factors that comprise well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your values.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life

There are two important considerations as you evaluate your own level of well-being.

The first is that you display as many of the four attributes above as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends and ensure that there is reciprocity. Realize that things are not always going to go your way. It isn’t if you are going to have a setback in life, it is when. What counts is how you respond.

The second is that you have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful and in it for yourself. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not so fun to be around.

So, as you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

Homework

Rate yourself on a scale from 1 (low) to 10 (high) on each of the four attributes of well-being.

Are you maximizing each attribute? Are all four of the attributes in balance with each other?

As you reflect on these, what changes would you need to make to live a long and successful life?