4 Tips to Better Follower Connections

A couple of weeks ago I wrote a post on a common leadership saga I have observed over the years. Here is a link to that post just in case you missed it.

The point I was trying to make in that post was that oftentimes, as leaders, we miss opportunities to build connections with people on our teams who are working hard by withholding our praise to see what the outcome of their work is going to be.

As leaders we get so focused on the results that we miss giving positive feedback on the process the person is using.

Here is a chart from that post that looks at when praise gets missed:  

Outcomes are just that, results.

It really isn’t helpful to followers if leaders give feedback on results. The folks we have on our teams know if they are hitting goals or not. If they hit the goal it is good, and if they don’t it is not so good. We don’t really need a leader to tell us that...all we need is a spreadsheet.

What people who work with us really need is feedback on the processes they are using. That is where good coaching comes into play. 

Two Colliding Events

I am sure it is recency bias, but I am always amazed at how I can write a post like the one I wrote a couple of weeks ago and then have examples come pouring in that give some support to the ideas. 

That happened actually the day after I wrote the above post on praise at work. My wife and I went out to dinner with some friends and I was asking one of the guys, Sam, how work was going. He said that generally things were good and he really was enjoying the work his team was doing, they were making a difference.

I told him that was really great, and that I was happy to hear it. Then I remembered he has a new boss, so I asked…

“...How’s the new boss?”

“Okay...” Sam said. “I really don’t hear from him very much. I usually only hear when things didn’t go as planned.” Then he said, unsolicited, I swear, 

“It sure would be nice to hear from him once in a while that things were going well.”

I commented to my wife on the drive home how interesting it was that Sam was experiencing what I just wrote about. 

After we got home that evening, I decided to do some reading before going to bed.I opened one of my journal apps and there is an article from a psychotherapist who studies mentally strong kids and what parents can do to support this. I thought how interesting that this topic of praise keeps coming into my consciousness.

Here is what the author concludes about what good praise looks like:

1. Praise the process. Let go of the outcome and focus on the quality of the input.
   
   

2. Compare past efforts with current effort; not other people. Don’t pit employees against each other, make the challenge for personal improvement. People will always compare results, but great leaders help individuals find ways for incremental improvement.
   
   

3. Use observational language. Instead of saying, “Your participation was good,” Say something like, “It was very effective when you took the lead in that meeting.”

I thought those were really insightful and great reminders for us all.

Then I got to thinking, I believe there is one more tip worth mentioning…

Don’t forget the WHY. As you give people coaching, feedback, or praise, we will often tell them what they did and forget to include why it was important. The WHY of any story completes the thought.

How about you?

Who have you given some praise today? Not because they hit the goal, but because of the process they are using? 

How Does Risk Affect Your Team’s Performance?

Do you think risk and reward go together? Or is the reward is an outcome of risk, not a partner in the dynamic interplay of teams? Let's say someone on your team is driven by risk and we suppose they are carefree. Someone else on the team is risk-averse and we categorize them as wary. Now the team has to make a decision on a product or how to put a presentation together. The carefree person wants to go for it. The wary person wants to hold back. Depending on team dynamics, the team may find themselves out of balance or even stuck. As a result, emotions rise, people stop understanding each other and often begin looking for blame.

The stuck feeling the team is experiencing has nothing to do with talent or skill. The team is not performing in the moment because they all have a different tolerance for risk. Risk brings with it, as change does, a certain emotional tone and tenor. We each have a tolerance for risk. As that tolerance becomes challenged, our emotion, anxiety, and fear can all increase. The we feel the less risky something is to us.

There are 8 different types of risk profiles. As a leader, understanding these risk types will help you navigate team dynamics and maximize the risk profiles of each member on your team.

8 RISK TYPES

Excitable

At the root of this is impulsivity and an attraction to risk, combined with distress and regret if things go wrong. This type tends to be passionate and fluctuates between excited-enthusiasm and pessimistic-negativity. Such people are both frightened and excited by their impulsiveness. They are likely to respond emotionally to events and react strongly to disappointment or unexpected moments.

Intense

Those who fall into this dimension tend to be anxious and worrisome. People in this risk type expect the worst, they are high-strung and alert to any risk or threat to their wellbeing. They are emotionally invested in their decisions and commitments and take it personally when things don’t work out. They tend to be very passionate about things, but their mood can swing drastically from day to day.

Wary

Characterized by a combination of self-discipline and concern about risk, these are cautious, organized people who highly prioritize security. They are likely to be alert to the risk aspect of any investment opportunity before pressing into any potential benefits. These people have a strong desire to know exactly what to expect, and, as a result, may find it difficult to make decisions.

Prudent

Those in the prudent risk type have a high-level of self-control. This type is organized, systematic, and conforming. Conservative and conventional in their approach, such people prefer continuity to variety and are most comfortable operating within established and familiar procedures. They are generally very cautious and suspicious of any new ventures and may find reassurance in sticking with what they know.

Deliberate

These individuals have high-levels of calm self-confidence combined with caution. This type tends to be unusually low-key, even in situations where most people would panic. At times, they seem almost too accepting of risk and uncertainty. However, they are often well balanced by a desire to do things in a planned and systematic way. Because they are highly organized, compliant, and like to be fully informed about what is going on, they are unlikely to walk into anything unprepared.

Composed

This type is cool-headed, calm, and unemotional, but at the extreme may seem almost oblivious to risk. Their outlook will always be optimistic. These people take everything in stride and appear to manage stress very well. They are not particularly impulsive but are also not overly organized or systematic.

Adventurous

At the root of this risk type is a combination of impulsiveness and fearlessness. Extreme examples of this type are people who have a disregard for custom, tradition, or convention. They are seemingly oblivious to risk. Their decision-making is likely to be influenced by both their lack of anxiety and their impulsiveness.

Carefree

Those in this category dislike repetitive routine and do not like being told what to do. Such people may seem excitement-seeking and, in extreme cases, reckless. Lack of attention to detail and preparation may cause their intentions and objectives to seem vague. Their impatience, impulsivity, and distractibility sometimes leave them exposed to hasty decisions.

These risk types all come from an assessment that is published by Multi-Health Systems called Compass Risk Type. The tool is designed to assess the individual risk type of each person on a team and then give the team a picture as a whole. As we design workshops around this Compass Risk Type Indicator it is always interesting for a team to look at a current issue they face, and each other’s Risk Type, and work through possible solutions.

There is potential for risk in almost everything we do, and there are many different factors that influence a person’s readiness to take a risk at any particular moment. As leaders, we must be aware of the way those on our team interpret and respond to risk, beginning with ourselves.

The next time your team is stuck in making a decision, look at the list of risk-types and ask if the source of the stall could be attributed to a different approach to risk.

Do This To Improve Employee Satisfaction and Performance

Jim walked out of his manager Cindy’s office completely frustrated and dejected. He had worked so hard on the project he had been assigned, but by Cindy’s tone and body language, Jim could tell she was really not very pleased at all with his work. In his heart he didn’t think Cindy was a mean person, but her disapproval was evident. All he heard as he left her office was how complicated the project was and how there were gaps in what was delivered. 

After Jim left her office, Cindy called her director, Allison. Cindy was so pleased with the work Jim did on the project that she thought he deserved one of the division's extra achievement awards. As Cindy explained to Alison, “The project was layered with such complexity, and the expectations were really high. What Jim was able to deliver was incredible. Sure, he did not achieve perfection in terms of hitting every single goal, but his hard work was appreciated, regardless of whether the outcome fell a bit short of expectations.”

After Jim left Cindy’s office, he called his wife, who was just getting off work and beginning her commute home. “I have had it!” he exclaimed. “I don’t know what I have to do to please Cindy. She is a direct communicator and doesn’t like a lot of small talk. She is no-nonsense and just wants to get the job done. I understand all that! Even though I am a bit more of an extrovert than she is, I have worked hard to understand her style. But, really, I don’t know what I have to do to please her. Nothing is ever enough.”  

Now Jim’s wife could feel the rant coming, even over the phone. He continued, “You know I worked my tail off to get that project in on time. Even though the deliverables were unrealistic, I delivered on all the items. Sure, not everything was perfect, but you would at least think a simple acknowledgement of the effort could have been given. I think I am going to call Alex,  my HR rep, and see if I can transfer out of the division. If not, well we might have to tap into some of our savings because I just can’t work where I am not appreciated. Life is too short….” 

Meanwhile, Allison was on the phone agreeing with Cindy that giving Jim an extra achievement award was a great idea! As they hung up, Alison was perplexed. Just an hour prior she had received a call from Alex, the group's Human Resources support person, who had recommended Cindy might need a coach. Alex shared that Cindy’s team had been giving him some feedback that they just didn’t feel like Cindy recognized the work they were doing. As a result, the people on Cindy’s team did not feel valued or appreciated, and Alex was worried that some pretty talented people might be flight risks to a competitor. 

As Cindy hung up the phone from talking with Allison, she quickly pulled up the HR website and nominated Jim for the extra achievement award. She then shot Alex, the HR rep, a quick note recapping her conversation with her director, Allison. Cindy shut down her computer and walked to her car feeling like a million bucks. She even reflected how she was putting into action what she had learned in her MBA classes. People leave managers, not companies. Her recognition efforts for people like Jim would surely create some emotional connections that could not only retain talent, but might even improve her team's performance.

TWO WEEKS LATER Cindy found herself in Alison’s office, along with Alex from HR, and Tara, an Executive Coach.

Last week, Jim posted for a job out of the division, the day after he received his recognition award from Cindy. Alex had recommended they bring Tara in to see if Cindy might be interested in exploring what was happening on her team. 

After introducing Tara, they began the discussion. Cindy was her usual direct self in the meeting. “Do you really think a coach is the right thing? I feel like this is a bit of a knee jerk reaction to Jim posting for a transfer.”

“Of course this is completely your call, Cindy. Tara is a resource to develop as a leader. This is not a knee jerk reaction to what happened with Jim. However, I will say that overall your team's performance is not where it should be, and it has been this way for some time.” responded Alison. 

Tara could feel the temperature in the room rising, so she piped in with a question. “Cindy, since I am brand new to this team, could you help me understand what has happened with Jim?”

Cindy recounted the details as she saw them:

• Jim had been assigned a project with high expectations.

• His delivery on the project was not perfect, but he worked hard and did well. 

• I nominated him for an achievement reward. 

• He thanked me by posting for a transfer out of the division.

Tara could feel the bitterness in Cindy’s tone, but thought perhaps she could get one more question in. Turning toward Cindy, she gently asked, “Did you thank Jim for the work?” 

Cindy quickly quipped back, “I nominated him for the achievement award. What more would you suggest I do?”

“I understand,” Tara empathized. After pausing and patiently considering Cindy’s plight, she continued.  “As I listened to your story, I couldn’t help but wonder - how do you differentiate appreciation for work and goal achievement?”

Cindy was not ready for that one. 

“I’m sure I have thought about that,” Cindy replied. “Can you unpack that question for me?”

“I would love to” Tara said, “but I think it would be better if just the two of us continued the conversation. Why don’t we go grab coffee and continue our discussion? After we’ve spent a bit of time together, you can let Allison and Alex know if I am a good fit for you as a coach.”

What Tara Unpacked At Coffee

At coffee Tara unpacked for Cindy the difference between appreciation for the work, and the work result itself. 

In my own coaching and consulting work, I have often found that how leaders appreciate people on the team and what the people actually need can be very different. Leaders will lump together the work process and the end result that is delivered.

I had a recent experience that really amplified this. The person was telling me they were experiencing some unwanted turnover on their team, even though the manager felt like she was connecting with people around the work they were doing.

We started to unpack this and discovered that she was not differentiating work process and work outcome.

When team members would deliver on projects, she would give an evaluation of the work,  which was totally fair and a necessary part of her role. What was missing, however, was acknowledgement of all the work that went into the delivered product.

We discovered that a person on the team can work hard or not work hard. They also can hit the goal of the work product or not hit the goal.

What about you? Are you differentiating the level of the work process from goal attainment? 

Please do not misunderstand, I am all about goals being hit in a quality way. What I am saying is that for those of you who are perfectionists, maybe you are missing an opportunity for people on your team to feel your gratitude for all their hard work.  What is the harm in thanking people for what they do? 

Appreciating the person and their efforts should be separate from their work product.

In the story above, had Cindy simply thanked Jim for his efforts and gotten his perspective on what still needed to be done to complete the project, would he have wanted to stay on her team?

There is a war on talent. Are you winning it with appreciation or losing it with evaluation?

Will These Three Ideas Help You Succeed?

What questions have you been asking yourself as you build your success story? Perhaps, it is, “As HR Vice President, what does leadership development look like?” Or, “As a sales leader, how can I balance work and family? Or even possibly, “As a Church Plant Pastor, what do I need to do to grow my congregation?”

These are tough, yet realistic problems that we face as professionals, but I think we need to reframe the questions.

Any coach (whether formal or informal, external or internal, paid or volunteer, executive or life or organizational) must have the skill of listening then reframing questions. Reframing a question provides a different perspective on the issue at hand.

As a coach, it’s my job to reframe the question to help you get to the heart of the matter. Rather than asking about leadership development, I would challenge you to ask the real question, “What do I need to do to get promoted in my next role in the company?”

Or if you’re the sales leader, what I really hear you asking is, “If I sacrifice time with my family, will it be worth it financially?”

Or to the pastor, I would reframe the question as, “What should I be doing to grow my church? I am doing everything the books say, but it isn’t working!”

Please don’t misunderstand my point. I do think that people want to know how you approach things, how you set goals, how you solve problems, how you prioritize resources, how you assess risk. But, the answers they want will direct back at themselves.

Enter the world of what psychologists call self-efficacy.

Research On Self-Efficacy

Self-Efficacy is a fancy term for belief in yourself; confidence in the capabilities and talents you have been given and developed. Studies have shown that the confidence you have in your capabilities affects your performance and is linked to happiness, satisfaction, and well-being. All of these attributes in one way or another link to success.

Research published in the December 2016 issue of the Consulting Psychology Journal outlines that you can help those you coach be more successful by following three simple ideas:

1. Invest the Time: The confidence of the person increased as the coaching relationship evolved over time. As you coach others over the course of your conversation, notice how their confidence increases toward the coaching objective. When it does, make them aware that you are seeing this increase in confidence.

2. Say it Out Loud: The more the client verbally articulates their confidence, the higher the achievement to the goal actually becomes. “I am going to do this” type statements show confidence in the client's ability. The more they make commitments out loud, the increased likelihood of belief in themselves.

3. Ask the Right Question at the Right Time: In this study, questions asked by coaches fell into three categories:

   • Open-ended - “What do you want to do?"

   • Proposing Solutions - “You could search for other companies that offer better possibilities.”

   • Provide Support - “That sounds like a great idea."

The research points to proposing solutions as the only effective method in triggering self-efficacy statements in the very first coaching session. While the other two methods are also valid, they merely enhanced the confidence of the other person throughout the coaching engagement.

As you work with and coach others on your team, especially if you have more of a long-term relationship, focus on asking open-ended questions and providing support for the ideas they bring. Too many of us fall into the trap of proposing solutions because it makes us feel better about ourselves like we added real value. I would argue that the value you bring is the investment of time and belief in the person you are coaching. The research says that the value of you proposing solutions beyond early in a coaching relationship does little to improve the confidence or belief in the mind of the person you are working with.

How would your work environment change if you focused on building the confidence of others in your organization? When you are coaching others, resist the temptation to make the coaching about you by offering advice and providing them solutions. Really focus on practicing open-ended questions and providing your client the support they need.

How to Hold Each Other Accountable and Still Care

When I was young I did not do much reading. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, there was just no time for it between watching basketball on TV and playing basketball every other minute that I was awake. When I entered the fifth grade that all changed because our teacher, Mrs. Katobi was pretty clear that if you wanted to go to sixth grade that some of my time would be spent reading.

I can recall the conversation vividly. “What do you enjoy?” she asked.

“Sports, basketball mostly” I replied, bearing my entire soul to her.

“Good, find a book about a basketball player and give me a report of what you read on Monday.”

“I don’t have any books on basketball players,” I said to her thinking this would be the end of the conversation.

“Fine,” she said, “I will call your mother and tell her you need to go to the library”

And she did.

So, instead of shooting hoops after school, my mother drove me to our local library.

Not only that, but Mrs. Katobi had also phoned ahead and told the librarian I would be looking for a book about a basketball player. The librarian escorted me over to the biography section where it seemed to me like the sheer number of books on the shelf could keep a kid from ever playing basketball or another sport ever again. Just picking one from this vast sea of paper was overwhelming.

On that fateful day in 1973, the librarian at Peoria Heights Library asked me, “Who is your favorite player?”

“Wilt the Stilt Chamberlin,” I replied, thinking no way would there be a book on Chamberlin and I would be back on the court in no time.  

She said, “Let me see. I think there is a book on him that just came in not too long ago.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” I thought to myself.

Walking over to the shelf, she pulls the autobiography, Wilt: Just Like Any Other 7-foot Black Millionaire Who Lives Next Door, off the shelf.

I have always been thankful for the two main characters in this story; the librarian (I do wish I could recall her name) and Mrs. Katobi.

They knew what was best for me. They cared enough to set a high expectation (at least for a poor kid from the other side of the tracks) and held me accountable. They knew the work I needed to get done and helped me find an interesting way to do it. They did not micromanage the entire work process. Mrs. Katobi cared enough to take some roadblocks out of my way by calling both my mom and the librarian. As I reflect, this really gave me the feeling that she cared enough to make the calls on my behalf.

The bar was set for me, care and compassion were shown, and then it was up to me.

Paul Zak makes an interesting argument about this when he writes in Harvard Business Review and in Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research about the powerful neurochemical oxytocin. According to Zak, colleagues who want to help each other perform better. No matter what you think about people in your organization, the decision to show up is completely voluntary. In our society, people can pretty much do whatever they want to do. Employees are not that different than people who go to church or a grocery store. They, in essence, volunteer to do whatever it is they are going to do.

Sure, in a work organization they are paid. Zak gives insight into this, stating that his research shows, “they choose an organization at which to work.” It is in this realization the brain chemical oxytocin comes into play. The culture of your organization can stimulate oxytocin in your employees through all types of engagement where people feel cared for and respected. Alternately, your work environment may feel more like testosterone rules the day, causing people to feel driven elsewhere to a place where they are valued and appreciated.

According to Zak, his work with oxytocin shows it is the biochemical basis for the Golden Rule. “If you treat me well, my brain will synthesize oxytocin and this will motivate me to reciprocate.”

When I shared this research, through the lens of Emotional Intelligence, with a client I am working with. He listened intently, nodded his head, and said, “Yeah, but...”  In my training as a coach, I know that when I hear the word ‘but” any agreement like the head nodding and the “yeah” has just been discounted to “I DO NOT AGREE”.

Following the “yeah, but,” came “what we need to do is set clear goals and hold our associate’s feet to the fire to do what they say they are going to do.”

“EXACTLY” I agreed. Holding them accountable with care and compassion will have them want to engage.  

Turns out that is really not the end of the oxytocin story or my story. You see I read the book, did the report turned it in, and thought that was it. Assignment finished. Let’s get back out to shooting hoops. However, Mrs. Katobi, probably being the smartest person to ever teach any subject to any student pulled a brilliant move.

“Class,” she said that next week, “I have just read the most fascinating report about a very tall basketball player and I thought you all might enjoy learning about him so, Scott, why don’t you come up and share what you learned about Wilt the Stilt.”

When I finished, they clapped.

According to Zak another big surge in Oxytocin occurs when we celebrate success. In addition, another neurochemical gets released called dopamine which among other things is the brain’s reinforcement chemical.

I wonder if Mrs. Katobi knew at that moment she was creating a lifelong, voracious reader?

How about you? Who at work do you need to show you are in empathetic agreement with? What achievement of some other person do you plan to celebrate in the near future?

Perhaps you know someone who needs to think more deeply about this idea of caring accountability? Why not forward them the link to this article and then invite them to lunch to talk about it?

Solving The Right Problem Using Emotional Intelligence

Lately I have been really frustrated by something. In my work, it’s something I do quite a bit of and sometimes it is really hard.

Writing!

You’ve heard versions of this angst from nearly everyone who has to write anything for any reason. You’ve definitely heard it from bloggers, coaches, or students who have a thesis that is due.

It sounds something like this:

“I want to write, but I am afraid I won’t know what to communicate.”

“I have been able to write in the past, but now nothing is coming to me.”

“Writing is a passion for me but I just don’t have the time right now.”

“Who, me? Write? What would I say? Who would read it?”

As you read over the list of reasons for not writing, does anything jump out at you?

I have a suggestion for you to consider. In fact, I think you can consider this suggestion anytime you are solving a problem and trying to figure out why you are frustrated.

In each of the examples above there is either explicit or implied emotion attached to the “writers block.”

Feelings such as fear, anxiety, or frustration creep in and are communicating something to us. These emotions often accompany any problem we are trying to solve or any goal we are trying to achieve. In fact, these emotions are what make us human. Every thought we have, everything we experience, will come with a feeling.

For example, as I am writing this post on a beautiful Friday morning in Orlando, I have a cup of hot coffee sitting next to me. The sun is just coming up over the horizon with a hazy yellow intensity that somehow fades into the color blue as the light from the sun becomes more invisible to my eye. As I experience this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude.

I am experiencing the sunrise and I feel grateful. The experience comes with an emotion.

You should try this simple exercise some time. See if you can become aware of the emotion you are feeling at any given moment. Maybe at your kids sporting activity this weekend, and you become grateful that they can run and play. Perhaps you are attending a small gathering of close friends for the first time in a long time and you are feeling this joy just to be with people you love. Maybe you are doing some spring cleaning, and you feel proud of yourself and the progress you are making.

Paying attention to emotions can be really valuable for us. Not only when things seem so good, like watching a beautiful sunrise, but also when they are not so good; such as when we have writers block and don’t know what to write about.

Emotions and Problem Solving

Your emotions are communicating something to you. They are trying to tell you something about what you are experiencing or thinking.

What I have found is that when I am frustrated with writing, I am often not working on the right problem. The problem is not in my writing.

I wonder if you have ever experienced something similar? You have a problem you are trying to resolve, and it is really frustrating, and then you realize you are not trying to solve the right problem!

When I get writer's block, for example, the problem is rarely that I truly cannot write. The problem is that I have not been reading enough! For me, to be able to read means doing the research, studying, and paying attention to what is going on around me. It is amazing to me that when I get the feeling that I can not write, or that I am stuck, when I reframe the problem the answer becomes more clear.

The problem is not that I can not write. The problem is that I am so busy that I have not been reading or observing what is going on around me.

When I can not write, I need to sit down and read. When I pay attention to what my emotions are telling me, I can see my world differently, and often with more beauty and grace.

How about you? Something been frustrating you lately? Have you been working on something and not getting the results you had hoped for? Why not step back for a moment and consider if you are really solving the right problem to begin with.

Have a great week!

A Vaccination for Leadership Failure

Who wants to fail as a leader? No one.

None of us wakes up in the morning and says, “Let me see how I can totally screw up the thing I am working on today."

And yet…Here is my story.

A number of years ago, I had been a fairly successful sales professional and tapped for a management development program. The company I worked for was growing like crazy. Most people spent less than 2 years in this program before they were tapped for their first management level job. I thought I had arrived! Look at me! Watch me climb! Nothing will stop my career! These were all thoughts I had at the time. I was on top of the world and it felt great.

My wife and I moved from my sales territory in Decatur, Illinois to the corporate headquarters in Indianapolis, Indiana. Our family consisted of my wife and I along with our 2-year-old son Zach, and a precious baby girl due in about 6 weeks. The plan was to be in Indianapolis for less than 2 years before our next move into my first management level job. So, I did what every person with a dream, a wife, and 2 young kids does….

I went out and bought a 2 seat sports car.

I rationalized it by telling myself, "Hey, we already own a minivan. No problem."

Fast forward 5 years later. That's right, my 2-year window for promotion had gone to 5! The company hit a tight spot. No one got promoted for 3 years beyond my 2-year window. And on top of the career slow down, my wife and I had another baby boy! We were now a family of 5, with a minivan and a second car that is a Mazda Rx 7.

Great car, yet totally not practical when my wife took the minivan to go shopping one Saturday and left me with the 3 kids and a couple of friends kids. Scott and 5 kids on a Saturday morning, normally not a problem, until Zach comes out holding his hand over his eye and blood dripping down having just been whacked on the head with a toy by one of the other kids.

Question: How do I get 5 kids and me in the Rx7 and to the hospital to get Zach stitched up?

The Lesson

There is an ancient Proverb that says “Before his downfall a man's heart is proud."

I will admit it. I was full of pride. Proud of my career. Proud of my family. Proud of how I had achieved.

What is the problem with pride? It blocks your vision of reality. As leaders, we puff ourselves up for everyone to see.

What are some things that feed our pride as leaders?

1. People come to you for decision making.

2. People look to you for safety (job security).

3. People look to you as an expert in your field.

4. People feel comfortable knowing you are there.

5. You make people feel they are important.

6. You give people a feeling of optimism.

7. You give people a sense of hope.

8. You are near the top of the food chain.

9. People seek your advice and counsel.

10. Your opinions are sought and considered.

The great writer CS Lewis says that the problem with your pride is that it is in competition with everyone else's pride. Pride at its very root is competitive. “Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man,” according to Lewis.

More money. Bigger house. Better looking. Smarter. Prettier wife. More loving husband. Most successful kids. Harder worker. Coolest job.

The problem with pride is not the metric, but what we do with it. It is in our nature to compare. It is how we know where we are. The problem with pride is an inability to be content and a desire for control. It is a scarcity mentality that says “for me to be up in life, you must be down.”

This is a lie.

Great leaders find ways for everyone to be up.

What I have learned over the years is that when I begin feeling like this, full of pride, I better watch my next step.

The Vaccination

When things go wrong, we begin to think about treatment. Treatment is about fixing the problem. Vaccination, however, is about prevention.

Treatment in the medical world is meant to help you recover from something that has happened to you. A vaccination is meant to prevent the disease in the first place.

The second part of the Proverb I mentioned above states, “but humility comes before honor."

Being humble. Putting others ahead of your pride. Being modest in your opinion of yourself. Thinking of others as better than yourself is one way to overcome pride.

The question I have been asking myself is, are there any strategies for preventing pride in the first place?

How can you vaccinate yourself against pride that often accompanies Leadership?

Here is a shot in the arm that can help you prevent Leadership Pride. This might sting a little, but here comes the needle...

Seek Wise Counsel.

That didn’t hurt too bad, did it?

Looking back on my story, I really should have sought wise counsel about buying that car. Not only was it impractical, but the assumptions I used to frame my reality regarding my career and my family were askew. They just were not based in reality. Just because the business was in an up cycle didn’t mean it was going to stay that way forever. Some wise counsel at that time could have been just the vaccination the doctor would have prescribed to prevent me from making such a poor decision.

There is another Proverb that says “Without counsel plans are frustrated, but with many counselors, plans succeed."

As you are thinking about getting wise counsel in your life, what should you look for? Here are a few things I have found as I have researched the topic:

4 Things to Look for in Wise Counsel:

1. Experience. Why not ask someone who has been down the road what the path looks like?

2. Impulse Control. Look for someone who is not going to be swayed by your emotional rationale. You do not want someone who will agree with you all the time. You want another perspective on what reality looks like. A person who is patient enough to hear you out.

3. Courage. Having an ability to disagree with you is paramount to you being able to learn and grow.

4. Empathy. Someone who can see your perspective even if they do not agree. Empathy differs from sympathy in that the empathic person will ask the hard question when it is in your best interest. The sympathetic person will just agree with you in whatever state you are in.

So often in leader development, we screw up and look for a treatment remedy for what has happened. Why not look to prevent these potential failures in leadership by vaccinating yourself against tragedy? Seeking wise counsel may be one good shot in the arm for you as a leader.

Homework

Look for a leadership decision you have coming up. Seek out some wise counsel. Lay the topic out for those you are seeking input from, without bias or telling them your preferences. Consider what they say to you before you act.

2 Effective Tools for Improving Team Health

Last year I had the opportunity to facilitate a discussion for a team on how they could become more healthy.

The team by all accounts is high performing. It is made up of “top guns” from the industry. A group whose contact list (Rolodex, for those of you who still own flip phones), goes three and four layers deep into important and influential customers. They have done a remarkable job as a team, pulling their share of the weight for what needed to be done in the organization. Hitting all their yearly goals by the third quarter.

The premise for team health is that there is a synergy that happens where the team can do amazing things that no single member could ever achieve on their own. That when there is team health there is a feeling of invincibility and performance can increase.

On the flip side, when teams are not healthy, like when certain aspects of performance become overemphasized, other parts of the systems that make us human can become damaged. And while it may look like we are performing, the results are short-term. Worse, the synergy that is anticipated never happens.

I was having a conversation with a physician friend recently about this idea of extremes in performance when it comes to human health. This physician is actively involved with athletes in a consulting capacity and recalled a meeting he was in preparing a local community for a marathon race. The race is fairly well known so, as you can imagine, the health of the runners is really important. The people in charge of the race convened a committee of 20 physician marathon runners and my friend chaired the committee. The interesting thing about the group of physician-runners was that all of them were under the age of 55, and that of the 20, about 40% (8) of them had heart stents. High performers in any discipline have to think deeply about all of the systems that go into their performance. Failing to do this will put undo stress on one aspect in the system, ultimately causing a breakdown in the ability to perform.

My Story

The objective given to me by the organization who hired me was clear: The folks on this team needed a perspective that they are leaders in the organization. To achieve this, they needed to learn to better understand themselves and lead themselves as leaders.

Those of you who love to study how organizations learn will recognize the task as one that involves double-loop learning. The group I was working with needed to examine some of the basic assumptions they had about themselves and then how the organization defined performance. Double-loop learning encourages teams to ask clarifying questions about how they identified the problem, what processes they used to understand the problem, what they can learn from the problem, and how they can apply that learning in the future.

To get this team to see performance in a new way, they needed to think differently about what this term means and then to develop some new ways of going about their work.

2 Ways To Encourage Learning

Two ways that leaders can foster learning on teams are by providing opportunities for exploration and advancement.

Exploration stimulates innovation, new ways of thinking, and creative processes to develop new products or incorporate new technology. One of the exercises I took this team through was how to be better listeners. I gave them some guidelines on how to listen better and to focus on the needs of the other person. Then they were given a listening partner and a set amount of time where they were to do nothing but listen to the other person. We did three rounds of these questions where each time the questions got more difficult to just sit and listen.

The idea here was to give the team a new way of thinking about listening. As a leader, it is good to have a perspective or opinion but that the broader organizational teams also have opinions and ideas. The take away for this group is that if they listened with more intensity, then they would understand the perspective of others and be able to create the organizational synergy that senior management was expecting.

Advancement is when teams look for ways to improve existing processes or products while incorporating innovation and creativity. Leaders encourage team learning through experimentation, providing resources, implementing reflective practices, and celebrating victories during the learning process. One of the unhealthy behaviors that had surfaced on this team is that when something did not go their way, rather than engaging in healthy conflict, they internalized and awfulize the issues. So if one of their members was inadvertently left off of a meeting invite list, rather than be more assertive and reach out to the meeting organizer, the team would say, “it is not our place to get invited, if they don’t value our input then that is their fault.” As a team, we worked on understanding our individual conflict styles and then improving processes where they needed to be flexible from their default conflict style.

As a leader it is your responsibility to care for the health of your team. It is my hope you will continually be looking for ways to use Exploration and Advancement to improve the health on your team.

Reverse Inspiration: 3 Ways to Work With A Bad Supervisor

Awhile back I had a coaching client ask me an interesting question. It is not the first time I have been asked this question, nor is it always framed in the same way, but the root of the question is this:

“What should a person do if they think they are better qualified than their boss?”

Other times this question is asked the word “qualified” may be exchanged for smarter, more effective, more energy, more effective, better…  I think you get the idea.

Most of the time the person is asking this question because they are frustrated with some level of competence their supervisor is exhibiting and questioning the value the supervisor brings to the organization. Sometimes the person asking this question is a bit immature, but other times, I have to be honest, I wonder myself if I am coaching the wrong person.

Intersection of Questions

I have been reflecting recently over my own career after a speaking engagement at a leadership gathering a few weeks ago. The person who asked me to speak said they were as much interested in my life journey as any leadership theory I might want to present.  I was told that the audience wanted to hear how a poor kid from Peoria, Illinois who went to pharmacy school ended up as an executive coach working with top leaders across several different disciplines. How does that even happen?  

I have asked my self this question many times.

Last week I was sitting on my patio enjoying a cup of coffee and watching the sun come up. I was having some really great quiet time in meditation prior to going to my exercise class when the question about an incompetent boss and my own leadership journey were rolling around in my head at the same time.  

As these questions percolated together I realized how blessed I was to have had so many great bosses throughout my life.

I don’t say that lightly - I really worked for some great women and men who taught me many valuable lessons that helped develop that poor kid from Peoria into a guy who speaks into the ear of many great leaders today.

What an honor and a privilege it is to have worked with such great leaders, both as an employee and as a coach.

Except One

Over the course of these 30 some years of work I really only had one supervisor who…well…lets just say was hard for me to respect.

As I am reflecting on the question I was asked by my client, the emotion of how frustrated I was at the time all came flooding back to me:  

• I was annoyed at how selfish this person was, grabbing all the credit for the work the team had done. 

• I was discouraged by the lack of empathy and compassion that was shown.

• I was embittered by how aggressive every conversation was.

• I was disheartened and resentful by how much joy was received in putting others down.

I have told this story to several of my clients over the years to show them some empathy and let them know they are not the only ones who experience this struggle.

While relating to their struggle helps us to connect and build trust, what my clients really want to know is “What did you do? How did you handle it?”

Ultimately, I left the organization and started this coaching and leadership development practice focused on emotional intelligence. I realized I couldn’t get my boss to change, and I wanted to do something to help other leaders who didn’t always connect well with subordinates, or had changes they wanted to make in their approach but they didn’t quite know how.  

And although that is how my story ended, here are three things I tried to focus on while I still had to report to my “Bad Boss”:

1. Maintain Confidence.  It was important for me to remember that someone in the organization had hired me. In fact, most people get interviewed by a lot of people before they get a job. Not only did my hiring boss like me, but a whole group of other people did as well. I also had to cling to my past performance. I was fortunate enough to have been really successful in my company and that success had been recognized by many of the folks I worked with and for. Remembering those truths helped me to remain confident despite the difficulty.

2. Ascertain My Accountability. Most of us who find ourselves working with a boss who doesn’t get us will go into defensive mode to protect ourselves, especially those top performers who get a lot of personal satisfaction of achieving and getting things done.  As a result, you may find yourself with a boss who wants you to socialize more or slow down and think more before acting.  It is important to recognize that even you, over achiever, will  have ups and downs in careers; good days and bad days. It is really hard to maintain any kind of peak performance over a long run. Some of you who have been recognized your entire life may have to step back and ask yourself what your role is in this dysfunction.  I found myself constantly asking, “What am I supposed to be learning here?”

3. Monitor Stress. There are three main points inside of this thought. First is to make sure you are taking really good care of yourself physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It is critical to raise your stress tolerance level so you do not have a meltdown at the wrong time. Second is to become more flexible in how you see your boss.  If you are really serious, then perhaps it is time to get more playful? If you always come in to work and go straight to your desk, maybe you pop in to your bosses office to say hello and strike up some small talk.  You have to flex your approach, because clearly what you are doing now is not working. The third thing is keep an optimistic outlook. Your career is a long term play. Don’t get impulsive and do something stupid. Think about all the opportunities that await you three or five years from now.  None of us knows the future, so don’t do something crazy in the present that could screw it all up.

I know many of you have stories about working with people you didn't like, respect, appreciate, or esteem. If you have some suggestions on how you got through this and made it to the other side I would love to hear from you.

A Brief Memorial to Memorials

A memorial is an object which serves as a remembrance focusing us on something from our past, either personal or historical.

Oftentimes this object is physical, such as a flag, or a piece of stone, or a shape like a cross or star. The physical object serves as a trigger for us to stop, even if just for a moment, to remember. This object interrupts our thinking and causes us to momentarily think of something different.

Sometimes the object is a day. Like today, for instance. Where we pause from our regular flow of activity and do something different.

Memorials take us out of our routine and cause us to do things differently. If we just keep on doing what we have always done, then the memorial really is not having much of an effect on us.

Today, can we all just slow down a bit and think? Maybe about something from our past. Maybe about an interaction we had with someone, how good it was. Or, if it was not so good, what could YOU have done differently to make it better?

I think this is the real challenge of memorials, exemplified in the United States as Memorial Day. Are we willing to stop and really examine ourselves and how WE are behaving?

It is easy to see how others are impacting us. It is much harder to see the impact we are having on those around us. Yet this is the real purpose of memorials.

My wife spoke with a friend on video chat the other day. The friend was recalling an encounter she had with an old friend, let’s call her Sally. As the story goes, the conversation between these two friends drifted to the topic of COVID vaccination. My wife’s friend is a Physician’s Assistant and believes in COVID vaccination, and has taken the vaccine. Sally, however, had an opposite view...such an opposite view that Sally said to my wife’s friend, “I guess this means that we can not be friends.”

What has this world come to?

Have we really lost the ability to think critically?

What I mean by critical thinking is the ability to challenge our own points of view. Assuming that what our particular news stream is feeding us is absolute truth...to the point we would abandon friendships. Have we really lost the ability to empathize with others to the point that we don’t care at all to see things from their point of view? Have we become so lazy that we are unwilling to do the work to understand where someone else might be coming from?

One of the things that really makes the United States stand out in our world is our ability to speak freely. I actually think as a country we are pretty good at this.

What we need to work on is listening.

Why not ask some curious questions to others about why they think what they think rather than just rudely assuming if they have an opposite view from you that they are wrong? At the end of the day, no one says you have to agree, but at least you will have a better understanding of where they are coming from.

Memorials serve as guideposts for behaviors, personally and for society. These objects really are a time for us to step back and reflect on who we are and where we are headed. They give us an opportunity to remember all the good and the bad and to put perspective on each of these.

My hope for you this Memorial Day is that you have the ability to pause and reflect. In this reflection, if someone has an opposing view to yours, I hope you will spend the time to be curious about where they are coming from, rather than having that knee jerk reaction to defend your position.

Perhaps the real work here is to just listen and be curious with them without having to even share your point of view. Let's all work this Memorial Day on our listening skills, rather than sharing our opinions.

May we demonstrate the ability to understand the other person's perspective before we automatically go to war with them over something. May God help us all as we try and find some kindness, compassion, and understanding in our approach to our fellow man.

Happy Memorial Day!

5 Reflections To Consider as You Review Your 2021 Goals

Like many of you, at the beginning of the year I set some goals for my business, my career, and my personal life. Since we are almost halfway through 2021, I recently pulled out those goals to review them and to assess my progress. I thought I might share with you what I have learned from that reflection time.

The Goal

One of the goals that I set in my personal life for 2021 is that I wanted to be able to consistently shoot in the mid 80’s in my golf game by December 2021.

A goal is best when it is specific, measurable, achievable, and time bound.

Currently, I am frustrated by how realistic that goal might be! When I set the goal in January, it was totally within my grasp. Right now, in the middle of May, I am not so sure.

You see, I just played a round last night and I scored a 95. However, I was shooting consistently between 89 and 91 in January of this year. That is a 6 shot difference...in the wrong direction! As I was reflecting on this goal I had set, I not only became frustrated, but I was disappointed as well.

Who wants to set a goal, get intentional with it, invest time in developing it, then go backwards?

You might be feeling this way about some of the goals you set as well. Maybe you haven’t made much progress, or like me in my golf game, you have gone backwards a bit in your development.

Please do not get discouraged!

Oftentimes, how we know we are growing is that things get worse before they get better. If you hang in there and keep practicing, your goals are within your reach. I have this confidence that if you put your mind to it, you really can achieve what it is you desire.

Here are 5 things I learned as I reflected on NOT MEETING my goal (yet)...

My Development Reflection

1. Changed My Tools.
   As I began my quest to become a better golfer, people kept telling me, “Scott, you need new equipment.” Mind you, the clubs I had were good enough. I had become comfortable with them and they were serving me well. But person after person, who I really respect when it comes to the game of golf, told me that my game would really improve if I upgraded my clubs. So I did it. In February 2021 my wife gifted me a Golf Club fitting for Valentine’s day. I was able to schedule my visit in March, and finally on May 1st my new clubs arrived!
   
   Reflection Lesson:
   What I have learned is that development takes time, yet time does not stand still for development. Yes, I needed to retool, but that took almost 5 months to happen! Month by month, my game did not improve because I did not plan far enough in advance.
   
   How about you? Have you ever set a goal for yourself, then time goes by and the expectation you have for yourself doesn’t have enough grace in it to allow for this time lag? If I had the new clubs in January, where would I be now? Who knows? But the good news is that I have until December, so maybe a little bit of grace toward myself might be a good thing.
   
   

2. Got Some Coaching.
   I am not sure how improvement happens without a coach. Now, this coaching is not something you have to necessarily pay for, but I know in my golf game, I need new ideas, new things to practice, and accountability.
   
   Reflection Lesson: Coaching is mandatory for growth.
   
   How about you? When was the last time you were open to some feedback and trying new things in how you approach your development? The best thing my coach has done for me is kept me from going back to the things I should not have been doing.
   
   

3. Did Not Practice Regularly Enough.
   April was a very busy month for me. I had a very large new project at work added on to an already full schedule. I also had a goal that just did not get enough practice. No excuses. In the month of March and April, I simply did not prioritize golf. Again, I think I need to give myself some grace. I am not naturally a good golfer, so I need the practice time. I know if I do not practice, I will not improve. Period.
   
   How about you? Do you ever get so busy that you just don’t have time to prioritize your development? It happens to all of us, but if we are not going to prioritize practice, what does that say about the expectations we have for ourselves? If something does not come naturally to you, practice is essential for development to occur.
   
   

4. Practicing Extremes.
   One thing I have noticed is that there is a big difference between my practice time and my game time. I had begun to take my practice sessions and extend them into my game time. Big mistake! Practice should be just that, a time to try new things. One thing I am working on is to increase my club head speed off my drives to make the ball go farther off the tee. I am practicing this extreme during my practice time. But, when I took it to my game time, it didn’t show the same results.
   
   How about you? Have you ever taken practice into the game and it didn’t go well, so you gave up? Instead of giving up, why not just back off the extreme of practice a bit? No need to go full force all the time. Practice hard, then find your game rhythm.
   
   

5. Failure As Learning.
   I think one of the things I was reminded of most during my reflection is that I am not really failing in my goal. Sure, I have not yet hit my target. In fact, I am further away from it than when I started. But I have learned a lot along the way. I now have the right tools, the right coaching, and I’m practicing on a regular basis with the right mindset when it comes to learning and performance. I really feel like I am ready for a breakthrough. Who knows, maybe I’ll shatter my goal and be in the low 80’s?
   
   How about you? How do you look at goals when you are not meeting them? How do you respond? Optimism is the skill of responding to setbacks, and is a valuable commodity when things are not going your way.

The year is only half over. Pull out those development goals! Dust them off. Review them honestly. Then, get moving toward the leader you want to be. It is never too late to give yourself some grace and begin your progress.

See you at the TOP!

Here is some ADVICE...or not...

From time to time I receive questions from readers asking for advice on how to handle certain leadership situations.

One thing you have to know is that I am not big on giving advice. To be able to advise, I think you need a lot of details on the situation the person finds themselves in. There are usually so many details that would sway something one way or another.

Douglas Stone and Sheila Henn in Thanks for the Feedback say that the problem with advice is that it is not specific enough. We tend to give some sage quip without enough detail to implement. Or, we are such experts in something we assume everyone knows our jargon. “When you deliver your presentation make sure it stands out.” Interesting, but what does “stand out” even mean?

The other thing that makes advice hard is that when I give it I now own the result. Since it was my idea, it is in some way on me if it doesn’t work. It doesn’t matter if the person didn’t follow my advice the way I laid it out, or they took some of it, but not all of it. The advice didn’t work and I am in some way responsible.

That is usually why I prefer to coach and to help people find options that seem reasonable and doable for them to try.

One thing I had to learn as I was growing as an executive coach, mostly the hard way, is that while coaching is in some respects about helping people solve problems, it is far from telling them what to do. It is more about what Parker Palmer calls “pulling out their inner teacher.” Helping them see options and then supporting the options they choose is, to me, more of what coaching is about.

So, when I get a question from a reader seeking advice, I usually will read it and ponder it for a week or more. I am not thinking about what the person should do in the situation described, or what I would do if I were them. Instead, my thoughts usually turn more to trying to understand the context of the situation they might be in and then coming up with some general guidelines or options they could choose.

With that in mind, I did receive a fantastic question from someone who has read this blog for years.

The Question

“How do leaders know when to intervene to promote better collaboration (aka stop all the group in-fighting) verses just reorganize the department? Is there a tipping point where a simple intervention can help to resolve the issue rather than incur an expensive reorganization?”

My Thoughts

As I have been pondering this question I am really seeing two very distinct ideas emerging. The first is organizational and the second has to do with how teams function.

The organizational aspect has to do with the needs of the organization and strategically how the group is put together to meet the needs of the organization, while the team function is more about the relationships amongst the members of the group. I want to tackle these areas independently, then bring it together at the end.

The Organization

Teams are formed to meet some specific need the organization has realized. Teams of people come together in an organized fashion to accomplish a specific set of goals or tasks. They can also come together as change agents moving the organization from an old set of objectives to new goals that move the organization closer to completing its mission and making the vision a reality.

As I step back and think about the question above, if I am going to reorganize a department then there needs to be a strategic reason. There will likely have been some change, either internally, like a new or redefined mission, or externally, like a shift in customer demands. This type of change to reorganize will be driven by forces external to the team. Something has happened somewhere that causes what the team is doing to not be as valuable to the organization. Rather than dismantle the team completely (reorganize), the team is given a new set of goals and objectives that match the external reality.

Reorganizations are chaotic, emotional, and expensive. The external pressures being experienced need to be greater than the emotional and financial cost to reorganize.

Reorganizing dysfunctional people on a team only sends the dysfunction to another part of the organization. The analogy I hear most often for dysfunctional people in an organization is that they are a cancer. The attitudes and behaviors are destructive and left to their own devices will have a very bad effect on the organization. So, if the analogy works, why would you take a cancer in one part of the body and move it to another part to infect it there? Just because an organization can afford to do it doesn’t mean that is the right thing to do.

The Relationships of the Team

If teams are not functioning well, a leader or coach has to be able to step into this moment. It takes both personal courage and a mindset that the needs of the organization outweigh any personal agendas that might exist. The leader must have the courage to call out behaviors that are not conducive to good team functioning.

General Stanley McChrystal, in his book Team of Teams writes that “superteams” are able to construct a strong lattice of trusting relationships. He makes the point that in a true team environment the leader needs to be less concerned with hierarchy and command; what their position is and telling individuals what to do, and more concerned with ensuring trusting relationships are forming so there is a supportive network to perform.

Trust amongst team member is ensuring people are comfortable being vulnerable about weakness, mistakes, fears, and behaviors without fear of reprisal. So that if someone doesn’t know something, they are not judged for the lack of knowledge, but supported in getting the knowledge they need. A teammate should feel a sense of confidence to admit a weakness and have someone on the team come alongside them and say “Here, let me help you with that.”

There are three things I find vital for a team to be able to trust each other:

1. Cultural integrity - That as a group, we are always going to do the right thing. If someone on the team is being mean, as a team we go to the person and let them know that is not how this team behaves. We want to have them on the team, but the culture here is one of kindness and respect. Integrity matters. Always!

2. Comfort with Vulnerability - Teammates have to be willing to admit weakness and mistakes and can never be penalized or punished when they do. If you are a person who avoids conflict, you should be able to admit this to your team and they need to come alongside and help you get better at this. The team has to believe in you and that you can improve. It all starts with a culture of realizing we are all human and we all fall short somewhere.

3. Confidence in the members - Not one of us holds all the answers. Teams have to believe in the mission and have confidence in each other to tackle whatever is put before them. As individual humans we crave safety and security. Taking risks is not always a safe feeling. This is the value of the team. As an individual, my need is for safety. The team is there to support each other to take risks and achieve much more than an individual ever could. High performing teams have confidence in each other.

Now, back to the question at hand. I would argue one of the main purposes of the leader of a team is to foster a culture of collaboration that leads to results.

Not collaboration so that every person touches every thing, but trusting each other enough to know I don’t have to touch something if you were running with it.

The leader is the person accountable if someone is not living up to the team charter of expectations. The leader ought to rally the team to their responsibility of pulling the person back in line. If the team won’t do it, then the leader has two jobs. One with the team to create the culture of team discipline, and another with the person who is not living up to team standards by coaching them individually.

My position is that if there is group infighting, then the leader is accountable. Maybe if there has to be a reorganization because of this very non-strategic reason, it should come out of the leader’s bonus.

What about you? What advice would you share in response to this very interesting question? I would love your input.

Thank you, Jenny, for helping us all think.

Take This One Question Quiz to Access Your Emotional Intelligence

I saw an article the other day in my news feed. It had a catchy title, something that really caught my eye regarding the “COVID fog" people are experiencing. I clicked on it to explore what the author had to say about the topic, and about 4 minutes into the read, the curiosity that caused me to open the thing to begin with still had not been satisfied.  

I had to spend 7 minutes to get to the one main point, the reason I wanted to read the post in the first place. It was all very frustrating. 

I just wanted to know what the title of the article had promised to deliver, which should have taken 45 seconds, not 7 minutes. I get the whole advertising business model that drives this kind of writing, but frankly, I find it very annoying!

No, how I really feel is, that I HATE THAT!

So, because that tactic annoys me so much, here is the one question quiz I promised you in the title of the article. (I timed it...you’re about 45 seconds into the reading so far…)

Which of the following statements best describes when a leader is being emotional?

1. They react with a knee jerk reaction.

2. They snap in anger when something isn't right.

3. They say to themselves, "I am so stupid, why did I do that?”

4. They yell when tension is high to get their point across.

5. They are overly confident in their position even when the facts show there is reason to question.

6. The overly optimistic way they present doesn't fit the reality of the situation.

7. All of the above.

 I gave the question, and now you have to wait until the end of the post for the answer to the quiz....

 Just kidding! 

At this point, I hope the answer is obvious. All of these answers show that there is a fine line between expressing emotion and being emotional. I hope you take a deep breath and think about that line before you read on. 

Perhaps even pull out a sheet of paper and a pen, then spend a few moments journaling what you are thinking about this one question quiz. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to come back. I am really interested in what you think about the difference between showing emotional intelligence and being emotional.

Underlying Philosophy 

Since all of the thoughts we as humans have come with an emotion attached, then really what exists is a range of emotion attached to any thought. The person who goes into a meeting with a "poker face" thinking they will not express emotion on a topic is giving those they are interacting with in the room some type of clue as to where they stand. “At ease” is just the opposite end of the “glad” emotional expression range from “ecstatic.” Just like “bothered” is the low end of the “mad” emotional expression range from “furious.”

So, if all our thoughts and behaviors have some emotional component to them, then the question to me becomes, how do I pick the right emotion to fit the moment?

To put it another way, How do I display emotion without being emotional?

 
The Real Answer To the Quiz Question 

The primary idea to being emotionally intelligent is knowing when to display the right emotion, at the right time, for the right context. If you get it right, then that shows intelligence. If you get it wrong, well then maybe not so much intelligence.

How does a leader:

1. ...not give knee jerk responses? They balance the lack of Impulse Control with Empathy. Show care and compassion for the other person's needs, not the immediate gratification of your own.

2. ...not become angry when something isn't right? They balance the lack of Emotional Self-Awareness with Interpersonal Relationships. Prioritize the mutual satisfaction of the relationship over your own selfishness.

3. ...not talk down to themselves? They balance the lack of Self-Regard with Optimism. Practice positive self-talk and stop seeing failure as an outcome.

4. ...not yell to get a point across? They balance an over Assertiveness with Emotional Flexibility. Find a different emotion on the Mad Scale. Substitute Irritated for Furious.

5. ...display overconfidence in a position? They balance their strong Self-Actualization needs with Reality Testing. Taking a pause and being curious about fact rather than fixated on a position.

 
I think you get the idea. If a leader is being emotional, then the idea is to strengthen another emotional competency. If the leader is prone to an overly optimistic explanatory style, then strengthening the competency of reality testing will create the needed balance .

I liken this to a weightlifter who wants to get his/her body into condition. The lifter just loves to do arms, focusing all the development efforts on building biceps and triceps. They go into the gym everyday and all they do is lift as much weight as they can with their arms. After a while, the arms look really strong. However, without giving some attention to strengthening the legs, the body isn't really in condition.

The same is true for emotionally intelligent leaders. The key is balance. The real signature to the emotionally intelligent leader is not how much confidence they have, or what great relationships they have, or even how compassionate they are. Emotionally Intelligent leaders need balance to effectively lead a group of followers in a healthy and meaningful way.

The 7 minute point.

I figured I don't ever have to bury the lead in my blogging because I don't advertise. I don't sell ads and I never will. I don't write for revenue. I write for all of you. To stimulate thinking on the topic I am most passionate about: Organizational Leadership. So if you hate ads too in your own personal blogosphere, then why not pass this post on to a few people you think might enjoy it?. Feel free to share with confidence we will never sell to them!

Now some of you are saying, there is no way that you can assess someone's emotional intelligence with just one question. Most models for assessing emotional and social functioning are built upon multiple constructs such as Self-Awareness, Emotional Expression, Interpersonal Relationships, Stress-Management, and Problem-Solving.

So how could it be possible, with just one question, to ascertain your emotional intelligence? After all, most assessments for this leadership trait have at least 100 questions to give an answer to this question. I completely understand the argument that the details and intricacies of each of these domains is so nuanced and complex that you need questions that come at each of them from multiple perspectives to access a person's skill in any particular domain.

All of the very detailed complexities of assessing a person's emotional intelligence do require distinguishing lenses to give perspective as to how a leader might generally show up. If a "score" is going to be given for a particular trait such as Emotional Flexibility then I totally agree that you need several, if not many, questions to give a numeric level of ability.

However, in the crucible of leadership, when the pressure is really on you do you have the time or the mental resources to stop and think about the skill level of your Emotional Flexibility? I think not. And that is only one of 15 or more competencies in the area of emotional intelligence that you would have to assess to determine your overall emotional intelligence and how the skills are serving you in any particular moment.

The emotional component is too complex to really deal with in the moment. Most of us have things we are really strong with, such as our Self-Regard or Optimism. These serve you well most of the time. 

The question I started asking myself is this one, "Are there times when my Emotional Intelligence strength is overplayed?" The answer for most of us is a resounding yes. 

If the person who is so Empathic doesn't balance it with ensuring that relationships are mutually satisfying will at some point burn out. It is inevitable.

If as leaders we can ask ourselves this one question, then perhaps our level of followership will be enhanced. To turn around as leaders and know that the people who are following us really want to be there. After all, isn't that the point?

Is It Too Late To Restart My Goals for the Year?

How are you doing with the goals you set earlier in the year? Have you accomplished them or have you gotten off track? It’s not uncommon for people to not want to review their goals, especially if they know they have not made the progress they hoped for. The feeling of discouragement can become overwhelming when we see a lack of progress and know we aren't where we had hoped to be by now when the goal was originally set.

In January, you set your goals for the new year. Let's say you wanted to exercise three days a week for an hour. This goal is like getting on an airplane. You are all buckled in your seat and ready for take-off. You know the goal. It is written down and you feel comfortable with where you are going.

The plane starts down the runway, shakes, and surges as it gains speed. All of a sudden, it is February. You likely have taken a couple of steps toward goal attainment. You are gaining speed and you can feel the inertia of the plane starting to lift off. In regard to your goal, maybe you called around to see what gym would best fit your needs. You went out and bought new exercise clothes and maybe some shoes. The feeling and speed of the change feels good.

Then comes March. The plane reaches 30,000 feet, the seatbelt sign comes off, and the plane levels out, and the exercise doldrums set in. You no longer feel the rush of take-off. You no longer can sense the speed of the plane. This is when goal attainment becomes difficult. When it feels like you are not making any progress at all.

THE FEELING IS NOT REAL

The interesting thing to me is the lie our emotions give us in this context. While the positive “dopamine” feeling of starting something new may be gone, the important thing to realize is that the plane is still going 450 miles an hour, even though you can’t feel it. You are still moving. You are still experiencing progress. Even though Q2 is gone and we have said goodbye to May, June, and July YOU are still flying. Realize your plane is in the air. You have not crashed. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!

Instead of assuming that you are way off track and that you've already failed, step back and look at your goal objectively.

Is it a SMART goal?

Most likely you've heard this acronym, and even used it when setting goals, but it is a helpful tool to check up on your goals or even get back on track.

• Was it Specific? When getting specific with your goal, consider why and how you want to achieve it and not merely the definition of your goal. Perhaps you want to work on developing young leaders. Your why might be because your want to prepare them for more responsibility in the future and your how will be through professional development workshops or one-on-one mentoring sessions.

• Was it Measurable? Are you able to see where you are right now and where you'll end up? If you are not able to track the progress of obtaining the goal along the way, you'll have a hard time seeing if you succeeded in the end or stay motivated along the way.

• Was it Achievable and Realistic? The A and R in our acronym go hand in hand. When you figure out your goal, how to do it, and its deadline, you have to think about the parameters and circumstances that will make it possible. At this point, something may have come up in the last 6 months that have changed your circumstance and deterred your goal. That's okay. Life happens. Instead of seeing it as a failure or no longer attainable, just think about what changes need to be made to your goal, the plan, or the timeline. Don't be tempted to start from scratch, instead, make less work for yourself by simply re-evaluating and tweaking what's already in progress and steer it back on track.

• Was it Time-bound? Some of you may have set goals that you've already completed. Others might feel the pressure of the time ticking away. Use the time as positive pressure to get the work done, not to stress you out. If you feel constrained, give yourself a break and allow yourself more time. If it's a project with a deadline, reach out to your team or manager and see how you can work together to get it completed. Also, consider how you are using your time and what could be distracting you from focusing on your goal. What do you need to implement personally to give yourself time and focus to achieve this goal?

Most importantly, remember the why behind your goal and the reasons that motivated you to set the goal in the first place. Visualize what it will look like for you and your team when that goal is accomplished. Grab a coach or mentor and share with them your SMART goal. Listen to any advice they have for you.

Be encouraged by the progress you have made so far. Keep yourself in the air and land that goal safely on the ground.

The Top 3 Emotional Intelligence Mistakes Every Leader Should Avoid

When I first started doing work using a model for emotional intelligence, I assumed every company would have its own set of problems., unique to the industry or the job the person is tasked with. So, I start many of the emotional intelligence workshops I facilitate by asking attendees to jot down some of the biggest interpersonal or decision-making challenges they experience at their company. 

Turns out I was wrong. 

People across all organizations repeatedly make the same kinds of mistakes. It doesn’t matter what industry, the age of the company, or the caliber of employees, there seems to be similar mistakes made across the board.

I think I have facilitated over 250 workshops on emotional intelligence over the past 10 years or so. In every single workshop, I have people write down the characteristics of great leaders and poor leaders. Next, I have them share these characteristics to see which ones tend to occur most often.

For the leaders who end up in the poor leader group, here are the top 3 that surface the most often:

1. They Don’t Listen

It is really amazing when I ask the participants in a workshop who would like to share a characteristic of a poor leader, 100% of the time the first response is…

“They don’t listen.”

I know this is my perception, but if I have done 250 workshops on emotional intelligence, 250 times I have heard “They don’t listen.”

Now, I do not have access to these leaders who my participants say are poor listeners. I don’t even know the names of the people they are thinking about. To tell you the truth, at that moment, I don’t want to know those specifics.

However, if I did have access to these leaders and I was to ask them “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?”  I bet they would say, “At least an 8.”

How do I know?

Because I ask that question of leaders a lot, and very few have rated themselves below average.

What about you?

If I would ask you, “On a scale from 1 to 10 where 1 is poor and 10 is great, how good of a listener are you?

What would you say?

I doubt many of you would say 5 or lower. 

And yet, when I run my classes many of the participants say that poor listening is the number one issue.

The Skill Of Listening

Some of you might be thinking you know what, Scott is right! Leaders in our organization need to learn to listen better! Lets put together a training and teach people how to listen.  

Now before you run off and make that mistake, show some impulse control and slow down a minute.

I don’t think the listening issue in organizations is skill-based, which is what training is meant to provide. My guess is that everyone in your organization knows how to listen. They already have the knowledge and skills, they just do not implement them.

So if it is not a skill issue then what is the problem?

Why is it that on one hand, most leaders think they are pretty good at listening, while it is the attribute that people in the organization think is lacking most?

While the number of reasons is likely vast, what I catch myself doing most often is formulating my response before the person even finishes their sentence. When I am listening the best, I am not working on formulating an opinion of my own. Rather, I am trying to be curious and ask questions.

If you want to be a better listener, become a better question asker.

2. They Lack Empathy

The second most common response to my question regarding the traits of poor leaders is that they lack empathy. 

Empathy is best thought of as an ability to be aware of, understand, and appreciate the thoughts and feelings of others. Empathic people care about others and show interest and concern for them.  It is really an ability to non-judgmentally put into words your understanding of another person’s perspective, even if you do not agree with it or you find that perspective to be ridiculous.

The problem for most leaders who show a lack of empathy is that they are confused by what it is NOT!

First, empathy is not being nice or pleasant all the time. Empathy is hard work, trying to understand what it is that the other person is trying to communicate.

Second, empathy is not sympathy. Empathy has a caring action component associated with it. Sympathy is nothing more than mirroring back the emotion you are feeling. Being empathic involves not only mirroring the emotion but moving beyond it by showing caring and compassionate action. 

There was a lady who was getting on my plane the other day. I think the bag she was pulling behind her to put in the overhead bin weighed at least as much as she did.  If I am sympathetic toward her, I might say, “Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift!” I am sympathetic to the circumstance she is in.

However, if I am empathetic I might say, "Gee, that bag sure looks heavy, I bet it will be hard to lift, let me help you with that.”  Now, you don’t always have to get in and do something, there are times where you might have to direct the person to do something hard themselves.

Third, leaders feel if they are empathetic then the person will think they agree with them or in some way approving their position. Not so. What empathy does is puts you in conversation to understand why it is that the person feels the way they do and then gives you an opportunity to walk them to your side. Without empathy, what a leader is left with is leaving the person to feel misunderstood or dictated too.

3. They Are Not Present

The third most common thing I hear in my workshops is that when I am with a poor leader I feel like I am not even in the room, or just as bad, they are not in the room.

I guess I just don’t understand why people think the relationship on their phone is more important than the person that is in front of them.  

I know you are working on something really important, or your boss needs a response right away, etc., but I would like you to step back for a moment and reflect.

Really?

That many times in a day?

Really?

What you are communicating with the person in front of you is that they are not important. Period!

No matter what other agenda items you want to come up with, the message the person in front of you is receiving is that they are not important, or at least not as important as whatever else has distracted your attention.

What do you say? Let’s all put our phones away and really be present with the people who are in front of us at the moment.

Well, there you have it. These are the top 3 things I hear from people in my emotional intelligence workshops. I am sure as a leader you would never fall into any of these traps.

Right?

3 AC Ideas for You To Engage and Connect With Your Teams

I admit it. I wasn’t sure I was going to like coming back from my COVID hibernation. 

For the past 14 months or so I have been able to hide behind my computer screen and work remotely, like most of the rest of you. I really enjoyed doing video calls in my shorts, walking into the kitchen for lunch, and easily making my 4:30 afternoon workout at Orange-Theory. It was really nice having coffee on the patio, watching the sun come up, and then having a traffic free commute through my kitchen and into my office. Total time from breakfast to the office was 6 seconds. 

Now, please don’t mistake what my work life was like...I worked my tail off during 2020, maybe harder than ever as I continue to grow the coaching and training that I do. I taught more classes than I ever thought possible thanks to the magic of the video conference. (Thank you, Zoom, you really saved my business!)

That said, I had an amazing past couple of weeks! And now, I am SO ready for 2021 AC (After COVID.  No disrespect intended to those who follow the Anno Domini calendar)

It might sound crazy, but I had the chance over the past week to do a couple of live events with  clients. It was amazing! One talk I did was with a group of around 45 in the morning, then about 50 in the afternoon. Everyone stayed 6 feet apart, wore masks while seated at large round tables with 3 to a table, and bumped elbows instead of shaking hands. Earlier in the week, I did some smaller group settings with the same dynamic - spacing and purposeful face covering. 

Coming Out of Social Hibernation

The energy was amazing at both of these events I described above. That is what I want to focus on today. In no way take my words here as a recommendation to be unsafe. I simply want us to remember that as leaders, we are responsible for bringing our team out of this “social hibernation” we have been in.  

As leaders, we are responsible for influencing the energy in the room. The authors of the book Influence make a bold claim that really deserves consideration. “Learning how to motivate and enable others to change their actions may be the most important skill you’ll ever acquire.” 

I really think this quote deserves some pause and consideration. For example, those on our teams have been used to coming to work with a nice shirt on, but who knows what is happening below the view of the camera on the computer these days?

How we as leaders motivate and inspire to equip change is an important part of how your team responds to your leadership.

It would be easy, and wrong, to assume that people will simply migrate back to the office and everything is going to be just like it was in January 2020 BC (before Covid). 

People have changed. People’s needs have changed. Even what they want out of work is changing!  

I have had several conversations with folks who have insinuated that focusing on their well-being and reducing stress has become more important to them than chasing a carrer rainbow.  Now, that doesn’t mean that career is less important, but it does mean that people are wondering if they can have a great career and also remove stress from their lives.

Enter your role as a leader. 

If you have a business to run and you need talented people to do the work, how we engage and influence may actually be job one for us. I recently read an article in Inc. that quotes Jeff Bezos final shareholder letter as CEO of Amazon. What jumped out at me is the truth Bezos spoke in five simple words.  “Create more than you consume.”  As leaders, I wonder if we are intentionally creating followership as people transition back toward an office environment? The other side of that equation is that we are just assuming (consuming) that there is no transition time needed and functioning as though we are operating in business as usual. 

Below are three things I have been thinking about that could help you influence and navigate these difficult times.

3 After COVID Ideas To Engage Your Teams

1. Be present with them. Emotional connection is a very real dynamic when creating followership. As people are coming back to work things like psychological safety and building trust may have to be rebuilt in some ways. To be present with someone means that you are aware of and responding to their nonverbal cues. That the atmosphere has enough stress for the person to engage, but not so much they feel anxious. Stay attentive and really attuned with them. Avoid being distracted by email or your Apple Watch. Make the person you are with the most important part of the moment you are in.
   

2. Be frequent with them. As leaders we have become used to a quick video chat with someone when we need them. As people transition back we may need to be intentional with how often we get together. Maybe shorter, more frequent interactions can create a level of safety and help the person reconnect. Remember, folks have been on their own for a while. It could be a bit of a shock for them as they come back into an office setting. Short, more frequent touches might help with adapting.
   

3. Have some intentional fun with them. There is nothing that creates a safer feeling in the workplace than people who are having fun with what they are doing. This playful spirit can really bring energy and enthusiasm to the work people do. Fun does not mean funny. You don’t have to joke or be silly. What you can do is create some intentional excitement. Share some good news. Ask them to share some good news. Create a positive feel and vibe in the office to where people walk away and say to themselves, “You know what, I missed this camaraderie last year. I am glad I am back in the office.”
   

In Summary

It takes a while for people to adapt to change. Change can be hard. It takes time to get used to. As leaders, we are pretty good at knowing what is in our own heads in terms of what we expect. We live with these thoughts all the time. What we are not as good at is being intentional in our communication about what we are constantly thinking about. For us, this change is easy. We have been thinking about it for a long time. Those who follow, however, are just getting used to the idea. Be patient, be present, be frequent, and have some fun. I think you will be glad you did.

Build A Culture You Can Be Proud Of

"Oh, the comfort…the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure word, but pouring them all right out, just as they are…chaff and grain together…certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - George Elliott

As leaders and those who support, mentor, and coach leaders, I wondered how well we are living up to the poetic words of George Elliott? I know Elliott was talking about friendship in his poem, but I do think there is great application for those of us involved in leadership as well. Here are my thoughts on how we could apply Elliott’s poetry to our leadership lives:

Feeling of Safety.

Basic neuroscience tells us that if people feel threatened they will shut down and protect themselves. This means if they feel attacked, put down, let down, shut out, disrespected, or judged, the chances that they will be able to perform or even listen to what we are saying are slim to none. If you want your followers to trust you with the issues of their heart (and those that matter to your business), then a culture that creates a feeling of safety is essential. If you create a culture where people can only bring you what you want to hear, this is NOT a place of safety. This means people only feel safe telling you what you want to hear, which can be a huge problem both in friendship and in leadership. If you want the trust of your followers, creating a feeling of safety is critical.

Authentic Leadership.

In my training and coaching work, this is a leadership theory I hear espoused almost as much as Servant Leadership. Leaders will say, “I just want to be myself. I don’t want to have to pretend and be somebody I am not. I want to live out my morals and my ethics as I lead.” I think this is what Elliott is saying about friendship. A friend is someone who shows up “just as they are." No pretense. No judgment. Just the ability to be with the other person to listen and support. This means that followers can tell you what they think, and you as a leader will listen without punishing or penalizing them.

Chaff and Grain

The grain is the good stuff inside a stalk of wheat. The chaff is the outer covering and is not useful for nutrition. This metaphor is that of good and bad, useful and not useful. The leader, coach, or mentor is able to take in the good and the bad together. The follower has developed enough trust in the leader that they can share both the good and the bad, knowing that the leader will take them, sift them, and let the stuff that doesn’t help just blow away, while savoring the good stuff.

How are you doing in your leadership, mentoring, or coaching in creating a safe, authentic environment where the good and the bad can be shared?  What are you leaving on the table by not creating this type of culture?

Homework: Have a discussion with a trusted advisor about ways you may be inhibiting trust in your organization. Check your pride. How might you be creating barriers to performance of your followers because they do not feel safe?

Are You Happy With Your Level of Well-Being?

One time, a client said to me, "Scott, I realize I need to take care of myself. When I do that,  I am at my best. I have decided to do yoga when I get up in the morning and exercise at noon. I am going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued.

"Recently, there has been a lot of negativity in my life and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am choosing to be the leader I want to be and not be some weak victim of circumstance."

His decision prompts me to ask this question to you; how are you, as a leader, focusing on your Emotional Well-being?

There’s a great story of 2 of 180 nuns who are the subjects of a noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you really need to get the book  Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, but here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat basic food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and have similar routines. Of course, there differences such as intellect, depths of spirituality and outlook on the future that could account for the varied results in the nuns.

However, none of these aspects made any difference in the research. In his book, Seligman points out that the largest contributor to their longevity was the amount of positive feelings.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four things to notice about wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment or say “screw it” and become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game. A successful existence. This is your life. You only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

One of the attributes we measure in the Emotional Intelligence training is Happiness or Well-being. In our model there are four factors that comprise Well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your beliefs.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life

Two Considerations for Evaluating Your Own Level of Well-Being

The first is attempting to display as much of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends that reciprocate. Realize things in life are not always going to go your way. What counts is how you respond when setbacks happen.

The second is to have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around. It’s all about balance.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health? What changes would you need to make to live a long and successful life?

How not to RIDE the Negative Train

Duke Ellington once said, “A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” I just love this perspective. I wonder how many of us really see it this way?  I wonder how many of us as leaders, when people on our teams bring us situations that feel like a problem, see it as an opportunity to do our best?

Reflect with me for a moment. Stop, take a sip of your coffee, and think back over your last week. What is a situation or a problem that someone on your team brought you? Do you feel as a leader that your perspective was a chance for you to do your best? Do you feel you took the opportunity to help the person bringing you the problem to do their best?

Perspective

One of the more interesting things about being an executive coach is that I get an opportunity to have a lot of interactions with a lot of different leaders. Over the past 2 weeks I logged over 42 hours of Zoom meetings...and I was off on Monday last week! For me, and I am sure you as well, this has been a pretty typical pace since the first of the year and maybe even for the entire year since the pandemic started officially about 12 months ago. 

So for the past year or so, I have been paying closer attention to not only what people are showing up with but how they show up. In leadership coaching I get the chance to help folks look at their leadership and ensure how they show is how they intend to show up.

Most of us want to make sure our intentions match our impact. It is my experience, however, that not many of us stop and think proactively about what we want our impact to be. Especially when there is a problem and that problem has an emotion attached to it.

Go back to your reflection you did at the beginning of this post. As a leader, when the person on your team brought you the problem, did how you want to show up match how you did show up? Or, were you so caught up in the emotion of the problem you had a hard time even knowing what problem it is we are trying to solve? I see this a lot! I will often ask folks I am working with...Now what problem is it we are solving exactly? Let's keep the main thing, the main thing.

Example

Some of you know that I am an avid golfer. Not a good golfer, but I really enjoy the challenge the game brings to me. So many little things have to be done right to hit a good golf shot, and once in a while I hit a good one even though I don’t do everything right.  Those are the ones that keep me coming back.

So for Valentines Day, my wife gave me a great gift. A golf fitting for new clubs. It was a really great experience for me and I was like a kid in a candy store. I was so excited! This was something I had always wanted to do.  

The day finally came last Friday for me to go to the fitting. I walked in at 3:30 for my appointment and I was met by this really high energy guy named James. He could tell I had one eye on the bay where you get to try out the new clubs. But before he would let me take a swing, he asked me a question, “Why are you here?” My response was not well thought out, nor very accurate it turns out.  

“I have always wanted to do this and I am really excited,” I quipped, just wanting to get into that bay and hit a ball with the newest technology golf club makers have to offer.

“Awesome!” James responded, with so much enthusiasm that it was effervescent coming out of him.

Then he changed his tone, took his enthusiasm down about 3 notches, and said, “I appreciate your excitement, but why are you here? What is it that you are trying to achieve through this experience in your golf game?” 

Dang! I had been so excited about the opportunity, I completely lost focus on the problem I was trying to solve. 

“I want to hit the ball straighter and further,” I said in response. 

“Good,” he said. “I can help you do that, but I don’t think that is why you are here.”

Now I am a bit stunned, perplexed, and feeling a little like I am about to enter a therapy session. 

“I give,” I said…”Why am I here?”

“Exactly,” James came back…”Why are you here?” What skill...he didn’t answer my question for me but was going to make me answer...it is therapy!!

Then, a light went off for me. “I want to be a better golfer….No, wait….I want to lower my golf score. I want to be more competitive on the golf course.”

“Yes!” James yelled. Literally yelled...I mean he screamed it so loud I think people having dinner at Chick Fil A across the street could have heard him.

“Let's work to solve that problem,” James said when he calmed down. And when we got in the simulator and I would hit a ball 30 yards further with a new club, he would say, “Now that shot will lower your score on the course!” 

Being Coached

James either had a natural ability or someone, somewhere had trained him on some excellent coaching techniques. As I reflected on that experience, James was actually pulling from some great psychology as he was preparing me to buy golf clubs. (Hey, James had a goal, too...make no mistake he gets paid to sell golf clubs...and I love the set he sold me!)

RIDE*

Here is a model I use in coaching when problems that have negative emotion are brought to the discussion.  I try to find a way for the person NOT to RIDE the negative train. I use the acronym RIDE as a process. Each element is really an independent tool, so you do not have to use them all or think of them in a stepwise fashion.

The problem I had in my golf fitting example was I had lost perspective on why I was there. Here is what James helped me with, even if he didn’t know the psychology behind it.

Remove the negative thing. This strategy employs taking the thing that is negatively impacting me out of the situation. My excitement was clouding my perspective to see why I was really there.

Insert a positive perspective. This can involve distracting my attention away from the issue causing the negative emotion. He took my emotion that to me felt positive, but actually was negative because it was in my way of seeing the problem and got me to the root of why I was there in the first place.

Distract the attention from the negative thing. Finding something less negative can put the problem in perspective. James had me sit down, then offered me a Powerade as he was asking me about my expectations. He was distracting me away from my excitement so I could focus.

Emotionally pivot. Helping the person change the emotion to match the problem. James brought me down so skillfully off my high, never losing his enthusiasm, but helped me focus so when I got in the bay I was calmer and he could do his job.

Touche, James. Nice work.

How about you as a leader? If you go back to your reflection exercise at the beginning of this post, could you insert one of the elements of the RIDE model so help someone on your team?

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*For all you academics out there, the RIDE model was derived from research done by Little, Gooty, and Williams and published in Leadership Quarterly 2016. The article is titled: The role of leader emotion management in leader–member exchange and follower outcomes.

Don’t Make The Same Mistake I Did

During a recent 360 feedback event, where leaders receive feedback from their supervisor, peers, and direct reports, one of the leaders came up to me afterward. She said, “Scott, my feedback is telling me I need to have better interpersonal relationships, especially with my peers. Can you give me some advice on how I can improve in this area?"

My knee-jerk reaction was to provide advice from my training and experience so I began rattling off my instructions. I gave a step-by-step plan to this young leader what she needed to do to have mutually satisfying relationships. After all, in my training and coaching practice, I have developed a near effortless perspective in this area. As an executive coach with a doctoral dissertation in executive coaching, I assumed I knew what the problem was.

Thankfully, I noticed the blank stare on this young leader’s face. She was completely overwhelmed.

I FELL INTO THE TRAP OF THE LEADERSHIP EXPERT

I stopped mid-sentence, shifted my thinking, and asked, ”When it comes to interpersonal relationships, what doesn’t seem right to you?” The young leader went on for about 3-minutes describing her thoughts and analysis. She explained how she felt spending time on “chit-chat” was not productive in the midst of her busy day. For example, when she had a meeting she skipped pleasantries and got right down to business. She wondered aloud if this was a possible disconnect with her peers.

Asking this woman a simple question allowed her emotional space to verbalize ways she needed to improve her interpersonal relationships. I had forgotten that most young leaders are just beginning their journey. They are still getting used to the language of leadership. They are receiving feedback, many of them for the first time. Where I am in my practice and where they are as young leaders are two entirely different places.

THOSE I LEAD ARE AT DIFFERENT STAGES OF DEVELOPMENT

Scientists claim that it takes at least 10,000 hours of study, experimentation, and practice paired with coaching and advice from individuals in that field before you become an expert in an area.

10,000 hours equals 6 years spent on the subject full-time, 8 hours a day, 200 days per year. Few of us have dedicated this kind of time to a field, so for most of us, it takes 10 to 12 years to develop our expertise.

Have you fallen into the same trap I did? Are you holding young leaders to a high standard of evaluation?

Edgar Schein, in his book Humble Inquiry: The Gentle Art of Asking Instead of Telling, gives leaders sage advice when leadership conversations go wrong.

1. Do less telling.

2. Learn to do more asking.

3. Do a better job of listening.

Here are three suggestions to practically implement Schein’s advice:

1. Do less telling by learning to let go of your need to be heard as an expert. What is driving your need to be right or heard? Replace your directive style with an inquiry.

2. Learn to do more asking by making your questions open-ended. “What doesn’t seem right to you” or “Tell me more about what you are saying."

3. Do a better job of listening by practicing empathy. Give them your full, undivided attention while keeping in mind where they are in their development.

Think of a relationship you have struggled with at work. The next time you are in conversation with this person, give up your expert position and ask some open-ended questions instead. Focus on improving the strained relationship. Let go of the outcome of the subject you are working on and focus on the quality of your questions and your listening ability. By making this kind of investment in others, your work may actually become easier.