Are You Happy With Your Level of Well-Being?

A client once said to me, "Scott, I realize I need to take better care of myself. When I do that, I am at my best. I have decided to do yoga when I get up in the morning and exercise again at noon. I am going to be more conscious of my diet and make better choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason, he continued.

"Recently, there has been a lot of negativity in my life and I am not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am choosing to be the leader I want to be and not be a weak victim of my circumstances."

His decision prompted me to ask you a question:

How Are You, as a Leader, Focusing On Your Emotional Well-Being?

There’s a great story I know about two out of 180 nuns who were the subjects of a study on longevity and happiness. If you want all the details, you can read the book Authentic Happiness by Martin Seligman, for some interesting facts and percentages about the nuns.

Studies of longevity are very complex from a purely scientific standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case of. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat basic food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol and they have similar routines. Of course, there are differences such as intellect, depths of spirituality, and outlook on the future that could account for varied results in the study on the nuns.

However, none of these aspects made any difference in the research. In his book, Seligman points out that the largest contributor to their longevity was the sheer amount of positive feelings.

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and then make choices toward, a more successful existence."

Four Things to Notice About Wellness:

• It is an active process. It is something you devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

• It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

• Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment or you decide to say “screw it” and become a victim of your circumstance.

• There is an end game. A successful existence. This is your life. You only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

Emotional Intelligence and Well-Being:

One of the attributes we measure in Emotional Intelligence training is either happiness or well-being. In our model there are four factors that can comprise well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your beliefs.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life.

Two Considerations for Evaluating Your Own Level of Well-Being:

1. The first is attempting to display as many of these four attributes as you can:

   • Believe in yourself and live according to your values.

   • Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you.

   • Have friends that reciprocate these areas.

   • Realize that things in life are not always going to go your way. What matters is how you respond when setbacks happen.

2. The second is to have a balance between these attributes:

   • For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships.

   • If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful.

   • If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around. It’s all about balance.

As You Think About the Successful Life You Want to Live as a Leader:

Are you choosing to maximize and balance these 4 attributes of emotional health?

What changes can you make to ensure that you have a good level of well-being and live a long and successful life?

Are Your Goals Making You SORE or Helping You SOAR?

Remember back in January when you had that new year motivation and fresh start attitude? You had all of this pent-up passion for making something change for 2023. You had the idea that something was going to be different this year from your previous rut.

Once you identified the “what” you wanted to change, your next step was to set some goals for yourself. Most of us set goals for work, travel, or even fitness.

Do you remember your goals from the beginning of this year? Do you remember where you wrote them down or typed them? Are they still in legible form or is the sticky note you wrote them on and put on the refrigerator now covered by last month's grocery list?

Have You Made Any Progress on the 2023 Goals You Set?

You might even have named your goals something like Key Results Area, Performance Management Objective, Personal Development Plan, or some other colloquial term that you or your organization or discipline uses.

It is now almost September, and it is time to go back and check in on what was important to you at the beginning of the year. Ask yourself, "Have I accomplished my goals, or did I get off track?”

It can be quite common for people to not to want to review the goals they set earlier in the year, especially if they know they have not made the progress they had hoped. The feeling of discouragement can become overwhelming when we see a lack of progress and we know we aren't where we had hoped to be by now when the goal was originally set.

Stay in the Game.

Discouragement can be devastating when it comes to goals. In my experience, it can be one of the hardest obstacles to overcome.

The goal had meaning and significance to you almost nine months ago, so it's time to start asking yourself some questions as to why you are not making progress on it this far into the year. I want you to know that YOU HAVE NOT failed! You have likely learned a lot in the last eight months about the goal and your progress if you stop and think about it for a bit.

An analogy came to me the other day that may have some application:

In January, you set your goal. Let's say you wanted to exercise three days a week for an hour. Think of this goal as getting on an airplane. You are all buckled in your seat and ready for take-off. You know the goal. It is written down and it actually feels secure and comfortable.

The plane starts down the runway, shakes, and surges as it gains speed. All of a sudden, it is February. You likely have taken a couple of steps toward goal attainment. You are gaining speed and you can feel the inertia of the plane starting to lift off. In regards to your goal, maybe you called around to see what gym would best fit your needs. You went out and bought new exercise clothes and maybe some shoes. The feeling and speed of the change felt good.

Then comes March. The plane reaches 30,000 feet, the seat belt sign turns off, and the plane levels out. And this is also where the exercise doldrums set in. You no longer feel the rush of take-off. You no longer can sense the speed of the plane. This is when goal attainment becomes difficult. This is when it feels like you are not making any progress at all.

This Feeling Is Not Real.

The interesting thing to me is the lie that our emotions give us in this context. While the positive dopamine feeling of starting to work on the goal may be long gone by next month, the important thing to realize is that the plane is still going 450 miles an hour even when you can’t feel it. You are still moving. You are still experiencing progress. Even though you have said goodbye to almost eight months of the year, you are STILL flying. Realize that your plane is still in the air. You have not crashed. YOU HAVE NOT FAILED!

Instead of assuming that you are way off track and that you've already failed, step back and look at your goal objectively. Think about the time when you set your goals — were they SMART goals?

Most likely you've heard this acronym here before and even used it when setting goals, but it is also helpful to use to check up on your goals or even get them back on track.

Was It…?

• Specific? When getting specific with your goal, don't just consider what your goal is, but why and how you want to achieve it. Perhaps you want to work on developing young leaders. Your why might be because you want to prepare them for more responsibility in the future and your how will be through professional development workshops or one-on-one mentoring sessions.

• Measurable? Are you able to see where you are right now and where you'll end up? If you are not able to track the progress of obtaining the goal along the way, you'll have a hard time seeing if you succeeded in the end or staying motivated along the way.

• Achievable and Realistic? I feel the A and R in the “SMART” acronym go hand in hand in some ways. When you figure out your goal, how to do it, and when to accomplish it, you have to think about the parameters and circumstances that you are working in that will make it possible. This isn't to discourage you from setting the goal, but rather to encourage you to think about how you will make sure you complete the goal and ensure that it's not out of reach or asking too much from your team.

  At this point, something may have come up this year that has changed your circumstances and deterred your goal. That's okay. Life happens. Instead of seeing it as a failure or no longer attainable, just think about what changes need to be made to your goal, the plan, or the timeline. Don't be tempted to start from scratch. Instead, make less work for yourself by simply re-evaluating and tweaking what's already in progress and steer it back on track.

• Time-bound? Some of you may have set goals that you've already completed, others might feel the pressure of the time ticking away. Use the time as positive pressure to get the work done, not to stress you out. If you feel constrained, give yourself a break and allow yourself more time. If it's a project with a deadline, reach out to your team or manager and see how you can work together to get it completed. Also, consider how you are using your time and what could be distracting you from focusing on your goal. What limits do you need to implement personally to give yourself time and focus to achieve this goal?

Most importantly, remember the WHY behind your goal and the reasons that motivated you to set it in the first place. Visualize what it will look like for you and your team when that goal is accomplished. Write this down and keep it somewhere you'll see it and can read it often. (Perhaps avoid the refrigerator this time!)

Keep yourself in the air and land that goal safely on the ground.

Homework:

Take a look at the goal you set at the beginning of the year. Grab a coach, mentor, or trusted advisor and share with them your SMART goal. Listen to any advice they have for you. Be encouraged by the progress you have made (even if it feels like you are flying in circles). Decide with your support system what steps you need to take to land your plane safely. Set up another meeting with them in November for a progress check and then in December for a celebration of your achievement.

Solving the Right Problem Using Emotional Intelligence

Lately, I have been really frustrated by something. In my work, it’s something I do quite a bit of and sometimes it is really hard.

Writing!

You’ve heard versions of this angst from nearly everyone who has to write anything for any reason. You’ve definitely heard it from bloggers, coaches, or students who have a thesis that is due.

It sounds something like one of these statements:

• “I want to write, but I am afraid I won’t know what to communicate.”

• “I have been able to write in the past, but now nothing is coming to me.”

• “Writing is a passion for me but I just don’t have the time right now.”

• “Who, me? Write? What would I say? Who would read it?”

As you read over this list of reasons for not writing, does anything jump out at you as your own?

I have a suggestion for you to consider anytime you are working on solving a problem and trying to figure out why you are frustrated.

In each of the examples above, there is either explicit or implied emotion attached to the “writer’s block.”

Feelings such as fear, anxiety, or frustration creep in and are communicating something to us. These emotions often accompany any problem we are trying to solve or any goal we are trying to achieve. In fact, these emotions are what make us human. Every thought we have, everything we experience, comes with a feeling.

For example, as I write this post on a beautiful morning, I have a cup of hot coffee sitting next to me. The sun is just coming up over the horizon with a hazy yellow intensity that somehow fades into the color blue as the light from the sun becomes more invisible to my eye. As I experience this, I have an overwhelming feeling of gratitude. I am experiencing the sunrise and I feel grateful. The experience comes with an emotion.

You should try this simple exercise some time. See if you can become aware of the emotion you are feeling at any given moment. Maybe at your kids’ sporting activity this weekend, you become grateful that they can run and play. Perhaps you are attending a small gathering of close friends for the first time in a long time and you are feeling joy just being with people you love. Maybe you are doing some deep house cleaning, and you feel proud of yourself and the progress you are making.

Paying attention to our emotions can be really valuable for us. Not only when things seem good, like watching a beautiful sunrise, but also when they are not so good, such as when we have writer’s block and don’t know what to write about.

Emotions and PROBLEM-SOLVING

Your emotions are always communicating something to you. They are trying to tell you something about what you are currently experiencing or thinking.

What I have found is that when I am frustrated with writing, I am often not working on the right problem. The problem is not in my writing.

I wonder if you have ever experienced something similar? You might have a problem you are trying to resolve that is really frustrating, but then you realize that you are not trying to solve the right problem.

When I get writer's block, for example, the problem is rarely that I truly cannot write. The problem is that I have not been reading enough! For me, to be able to read means doing research, studying, and paying attention to what is going on around me. It is amazing to me that when I get the feeling that I cannot write, or that I am stuck, when I reframe the problem, the answer becomes more clear to me.

The problem is not that I cannot write. The problem is that I am so busy that I have not been reading or observing what is going on around me.

When I cannot write, I need to sit down and read. When I pay attention to what my emotions are telling me, I can see my world differently, and often with more beauty and grace.

How about you? Has something been frustrating you lately? Have you been working on something and not getting the results you had hoped for? Why not step back for a moment and consider if you are really solving the right problem, to begin with?

Have a Longer and More Successful Leadership Life

One of my clients had a profound impact on me at a certain time in my life. What I heard him say is:

"Scott I realized that I have to take care of myself. I am at my best when I am taking care of myself. I decided that I am going to do yoga when I get up in the morning, and I am going to exercise at noon. I am also going to be conscious of my diet and make good choices about what goes into my body."

When I probed for the reason for the changes, he continued,

"There has been a lot of negativity in my life recently, and I am just not going to allow it to get me down any longer. I am going to choose the leader I want to be and not be a victim of circumstance."

Absolutely Profound

According to the National Wellness Institute, wellness is "an active process through which people become aware of, and make choices toward a more successful existence."

Four Things to Notice About Wellness:

1. It is an active process. It is something you have to devote energy to making happen. It is intentional on your part as a leader.

2. It starts with self-awareness. Are you aware of the moment when health choices present themselves?

3. Wellness is a choice. You decide to be well in the moment, or you become a victim of your circumstance.

4. There is an end game: a successful existence. This is your life, and you only get one. Why not make it the very best that it can be?

The National Wellness Institute describes six different dimensions for us to consider as we examine our own well-being:

1. Emotional

2. Occupational

3. Physical

4. Social

5. Intellectual

6. Spiritual

This week I want to focus on your emotional well-being as a leader.

The Story

One of my favorite authors is Martin Seligman. As a past president of the American Psychological Association, he has credibility from a research standpoint that is really meaningful to me. In addition, Martin is a gifted storyteller who can weave a story together and then bring home a point that has a real impact and causes me to pause and examine my own life.

One of my favorite stories that Martin tells us in his book Authentic Happiness. He details the stories of two of 180 nuns who are the subjects of an impactful and noteworthy study on longevity and happiness. If you want all of the details, you must read the book. Here is the bottom line:

• 90% of the most cheerful 25% of the nuns were alive at age 85 vs. only 34% of the least cheerful 25%.

• 54% of the most cheerful quarter was alive at age 94, as opposed to only 11% of the least cheerful.

Studies of longevity are admittedly dicey and very complex from a pure science standpoint. Causality is extremely difficult to make a case for. However, one of the reasons this study is so impactful is that nuns lead very similar lives. They eat similar food, they don’t smoke or drink alcohol, and they have similar routines. Sure there are some other differences that could account for the results, like:

• Different levels of intellect

• Different depths of spirituality

• Different outlooks about the future

However, none of these criteria in the research made any difference. The thing that Seligman points out that made a difference in the longevity of the nuns was the number of positive feelings expressed. If longevity is at least one measure of successful existence, then the positive outlook you have on life definitely matters.

Happiness and Emotional Intelligence

In the Emotional Intelligence training I do as a part of my consulting, one of the attributes we measure is that of happiness or well-being. In the model we use, there are four factors that can comprise someone’s well-being:

1. Self-Regard: Believing in yourself and living according to your values.

2. Self-Actualization: A willingness to learn and grow in accordance with your values.

3. Interpersonal Relationships: Engaging in mutually satisfying relationships.

4. Optimism: The ability to respond, recover, and claim a happy state from disappointments and setbacks in life.

Here are two important considerations as you evaluate your own level of well-being:

The first is that you display as many of these four attributes as you can. Believe in yourself and live according to your values. Learn and grow in areas that really matter to you. Have friends and ensure that there is reciprocity. Realize that things are not always going to go your way. It isn’t a case of whether or not you are going to have a setback in life, it is when. What counts is how you respond to it.

The second is that you have a balance between these attributes. For example, you want to make sure that your self-regard is balanced with your interpersonal relationships. If you have a high level of self-regard and low levels of interpersonal relationships, you could come across as prideful and in it for yourself. If you have low levels of self-regard and high interpersonal relationships, then you could come across as needy and not fun to be around.

As you think about the successful life you want to live as a leader, are you choosing to maximize and balance the four attributes of emotional health above?

Homework

Rate yourself on a scale from one (low) to 10 (high) on each of the four attributes of well-being above. Are you maximizing each attribute? Are all four of the attributes in balance with each other? As you reflect on these, what changes would you need to make to live a longer and more successful life?

A Surprising Thing About Coaching

Surprise is an interesting emotion. Unlike disgust, which carries a negative theme, or happiness, which emotes a positive feeling.  Surprise is an emotion that can go either way, positive or negative, and can also shift from negative to positive in the blink of an eye.

Here is an example:

“Surprise, you are getting a raise!” Unexpected and positive. How fun!

“Surprise, we are downsizing and your services are no longer needed.” Unexpected and negative. Not so much fun.

I can even recall when my wife Kim told me we were going to have our third child around over 30 years ago… ”Surprise, I am pregnant!” I think those were her words. 

“Holy Crap!” This was unexpected and I had a feeling of fear, replaced in a nanosecond by a feeling of overwhelming joy. Then, “Really, that is amazing!” followed by an unexplainable feeling of love and closeness with my spouse.

Surprise has a way of intensifying our other emotions

According to Ingred Fatell Lee, author of the book Joyful: The Surprising Power Of Ordinary Things To Create Extraordinary Happiness, the element of surprise acts like a magnifying glass for joy by giving the tiny pleasure heightened significance.

Surprise is one of the six primary emotions identified by psychologist Paul Ekman and is necessary for a human because it can quickly divert our attention from one thing to another. Surprise is a kind of warning signal to say “Hey, pay attention to this new thing, that other thing you were concentrating on needs to be unprioritized, and this new thing needs some focus.”

Surprise ranges in intensity from amazement to a mild distraction.  

I Was Surprised

I once had a conversation with a friend who was trying to get a better idea of what my coaching business was all about. “Tell me what you do again?” he asked.

“In a nutshell, I help people get an idea of what their leadership looks like,” I told him.  “By using some assessments, and interviewing people they interact with, I give them a mosaic of what their leadership looks like. I then come alongside them and help them make any changes they see in their approach.”

“And they pay you for that?” He said to me, rather surprised!  “Sounds like you get paid to be people’s friend.”

Interestingly, I had just read an interesting and quite provocative article by Christopher Shelly titled “A Friend Officiated Our Wedding And Now My Husband’s Dead.” (Isn’t that title a bit surprising?) Here is a link to the article if you are interested: A Friend Officiated Our Wedding And Now My Husband’s Dead.

To save money this couple….

• Hired a friend to officiate their wedding. It is a disaster, but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to cater the reception. It is a disaster, but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to fix the transmission in their car. It is a disaster but they saved money.

• Hired a friend to do open heart surgery on her new husband….

I think you can see where this is going.

I once heard Dave Ramsey, the author of Total Money Makeover, say, “If you own a $200 car then you can afford to try and fix it yourself. If you own a $20,000 car then you probably should have a professional work on it.”

Like this, can you coach people in your own organization? Sure you can! And I would even argue that a culture of coaching in an organization is a very positive thing.  Don’t be surprised. When you need a professional, hire one. 

How to Have a Productive Feedback Conversation

An old colleague once called me when he was having some trouble getting someone on his team to accept the feedback he was giving:

“I keep telling her that she needs to build stronger relationships with others on the team. She is just so direct that nobody wants to work with her. She is technically the most skilled person on the team but she doesn’t realize that it is ok if others do things differently than she does. It is to the point that no one wants to work with her on anything anymore. One person told me that she probably needs to approach her work with the attitude that everyone is doing their best and that we all have good intentions. Sure she is really smart, but what good is that if no one wants to be around her?”

My friend then said to me that he would try in a roundabout way to give her a positive comment, then give her the critique, and then follow this with what a good person she is.

Ever been in a space like this? Where you are trying to give someone feedback but it is like you are talking to a wall? Or maybe the person seems open and friendly, but you cannot move the conversation past your relationship.  

Maybe you had someone try some technique on you like the “feedback sandwich” I explained above, where they build you up to tear you down and then try and save the day with some meaningless positivity that is more therapeutic for them than it is for you? “Ok, just stop,” I told my friend. “Let’s talk about productive feedback and how really to have a productive conversation.”

How to Have a Productive Feedback CONVERSATION

1. Become biased for action

2. Consider the relationship

3. Appreciate what is possible

Now put these action steps in the proper order for the effective feedback you need. Did you find that you had an “aha” moment as you tried to figure out the order? Reflect on your thoughts for a moment.

Perhaps you find yourself saying that feedback is all about being biased for action. After all, the reason you are giving the person feedback is so that they can have the information they need to make the changes that others see are needed. You are not having a feedback conversation for your own health or just to hear yourself talk (although it could seem that way sometimes to some people).

According to James Flaherty who writes on effective coaching conversations, these three steps all need to happen if someone is going to change a behavior, but the order they happen in is critical. For example, if you do not have a firm enough foundational relationship, getting a person to act on feedback is futile. You could pay them all the compliments in the world, but when the criticism comes, they go immediately into a protective defensive posture.

From the list of those three things to consider for productive feedback, let’s consider the most important of these three, the relationship.

Consider the relationship

In order for any feedback to resonate with the receiver, the relationship with the provider of the feedback is critical. Good interpersonal relationships have some core elements to them which are often taken for granted.

• First, they are mutual. This means that both parties derive satisfaction from being together. This relationship cannot be forced. Even if we do not get to choose who we have on our team or the boss we work for, we have to freely decide on our own will that we are going to be in the relationship.

• Second, the reason the relationship exists is due to some foundational core commitments. The commitments we make to each other are critical because all relationships are going to have ambiguity and misunderstanding, and without solid core commitments, it is hard to maintain a relationship.

• Third, the relationship must contain trust and compassion. For feedback to be absorbed by the receiver, trust must be present. For trust to flourish, compassion must be present. Having compassion means that you understand me and will not abandon me when I am down.

How do you think Considering the Relationship affects productive feedback? I’d love to hear your comments below. I hope this post helps you have a productive feedback conversation the next time one arises.

Never Work a Day in Your Life: Independence Day Edition

As a leader, I suspect there might be some things you need to experience that you already know of that will help you to feel as if you will “never work a day in your life”. In honor of Independence Day tomorrow, I thought I would share some of the things that have helped me stay energized after a conference, or maybe after taking some time off, as you might this weekend. These things help me feel like my work is that much more rewarding and enjoyable.

MY LIST

1. Exercise.

   My wife and I have been known to exercise by either going for a long bike ride or doing Orange Theory workouts. There is something about my workout that gives me energy and life. I don’t always love doing it, but I realize that I don’t like how I feel when I am not exercising regularly more than I dislike the actual exercise. So, for me, exercise has become part of what I do for energy.

2. Diet. 

   Small meals more frequently help me a lot. Also, no junk food. Mostly fruits, vegetables, fish, lean meats, and nuts. When I eat healthy I just feel better than when I eat a bunch of processed junk. I definitely also have more energy when I am consistent with my diet.

3. Sleep.

   7-8 hours every night is ideal for the average person. I am a believer that this one might be more important than the first two on my list. Mathew Walker, in his book, Why We Sleep,  explains that we have work policies about smoking, substance abuse, ethical behavior, injury, safety, and disease prevention, but insufficient sleep, another harmful and potentially deadly factor, is commonly tolerated and even encouraged. Too many leaders, according to Walker, mistakenly believe that overworking someone equates to better task completion and productivity.

4. Fun. 

   This study by Barbara Plester and Ann Hutchison explored the relationship between fun and workplace engagement, and what they found out was that workplace fun offered employees a refreshing break and created positive feelings for the people about their work. If it was fun, the employee was more likely to be engaged in the work or the “flow.”

5. Sabbath.

   Many will see this word and immediately run from it as some kind of religious icon. I don’t see Sabbath that way. The origin of the word Sabbath likely comes from Abrahamic traditions and is associated with the biblical creation story where God creates the physical world we experience in 6 days, then on the 7th day, He is said to rest. Because of this story, some will reject the idea right away. Others will make it an idol and will worship the day and miss the point entirely.

   To me, the Sabbath is when I rest and live my life differently from how I live it the rest of the week. I set it apart and rest in it. For me, it may include worship and meditation. It may include a different form of exercise, or cooking a meal I wouldn’t normally cook. It is not a set of rules or do’s and don’ts but it is an idea that the day is different. I really like what Dallas Willard is quoted as saying, “If you don’t come apart for a while, you will come apart after a while.”  

I hope you enjoyed your Sabbath if you took one this 4th of July holiday. Have a safe and Happy Independence Day tomorrow. And, get some rest!

An Effective Strategy to Stop "Awfulizing"

I can remember as a young 18-year-old driving from Peoria, Illinois where my family lived, to Des Moines, Iowa, the home of Drake University. I was a very young college student in my second year of Pharmacy school. I had decided to not take the interstate and instead to meander along the back roads through some small towns in Illinois and Iowa. The ‘66 Chevy Belair I drove I had inherited from my grandfather, was named “Old Blue” because right before it was passed down to me, he had taken it to get a $99 paint job and he chose a baby blue color.

I was only about 60 miles from home when all of a sudden Old Blue didn’t want to go any faster than 35 miles an hour. The speed limit at the time was 55 miles an hour on those highways and cars were passing me by. During those years as a “young macho driver”, this really embarrassed me. In those days, driving fast was just what we did. My memory is that speed limits seemed more like suggestions than laws. I even had a theme that I drove by: “Nobody passes Old Blue!” It wasn’t macho that I was feeling at that moment, however. It was actually something just a little short of terror. What was wrong with this car? What had I done? 

My mind starts racing:

• Did I forget to change the oil?

• Had I blown the engine?

• Did I put the wrong kind of gas in the tank?

• All of this, however, was secondary. My biggest fear was that my dad was going to kill me.

Awfulizing

I was awfulizing because my Dad was not literally going to kill me, but that real feeling came from somewhere.  It was probably because I was the first-hand witness when my brother wrecked my dad's prize Cadillac by speeding and hitting something that almost tore the transmission out of the car and we seriously thought my dad would kill him. He did not.

In reality, my dad was a really kind and loving person. He would do anything for anyone at any time. I can remember going with him to fix people’s hot water heaters after dinner on a random Saturday night or tagging along to help his friends build houses or work on their cars. Alongside this positive trait of his was a strong sense of responsibility. If he told me or my brother to do something, we had better do it. While he didn’t use the exact words, he expected it to be done with excellence. I think that gene still gets expressed in my work today. 

strategy

This is probably my first recollection of the experience of the term awfulizing. I use it now to describe when something goes wrong and the event, which normally isn’t that bad in reality, all of a sudden becomes a catastrophe in someone’s mind. 

Examples from my story include:

• All of a sudden my car won’t go over 35mph.

• I probably forgot to change the oil and without an oil change, the engine will blow up. When the engine blows up, I will have destroyed the car.

• This was my grandfather’s car and a gift to me to care for. If I don’t care for this car, I will be seen as irresponsible by my dad, who I thought wanted to kill my brother for wrecking his Cadillac.

What is the strategy or the solution?

This is the point where emotion takes over from reality. This emotion can cause someone to be afraid of the wrong thing.  Can they stop this awfulizing so they can think more rationally?

Turns out, psychologists have actually studied this phenomenon. What happens is that our feeling of anxiety doesn’t have the ability to create probabilities. For example, based on the situation of my car not going over 35mph, there was probably only a 10% chance my dad would actually be very upset. And then there was also a 15% probability that I had just forgotten to change the oil. 

My brain, when my car wouldn’t go over 35mph, became very anxious. I couldn’t rationalize that there was almost no chance that the reason that this car wouldn’t go faster is that I missed an oil change. My brain associated car problems with my lack of knowledge (or memory), and created the short-term anxious feeling that can actually build and build on itself. Something small can become something quite large in our minds very quickly.

Some examples are:

• That report that was due yesterday might have you fired if you turn it in late.

• That bill you forgot to pay will put you in bankruptcy.

• That customer you forgot to call will now close their account with you.

• Forgetting to change the oil right after the 5000th mile has your engine blowing up.

So, we awfulize. We “make a mountain out of a molehill”, as my grandma used to say. Our emotions have a way of making something quite small into something quite large and neither of these are actually real.

Remedy

As it turns out, there was just a mechanical issue with the car.  As you probably have already guessed, it had nothing to do with the engine, the oil, or anything else that I was worried about. The timing chain had broken and the transmission wouldn’t shift out of second gear. It was not a big deal in reality, about a $140 dollar repair back then.

For everyone who tends to awfulize more than they want to admit, I want to introduce a couple of practical tools that I use in my executive coaching practice when my clients are in an awfulizing mode.

1. Practice good self-care.  There is no substitute for lowering these stressful moments through prevention. Just like changing the oil in the car can keep the engine from blowing in the future, so can taking care of yourself. This self-care might not take the awfulizing away completely, but it can lessen its effects and frequency. You can practice:

   • Getting 7-8 hours of sleep.

   • Eating a balanced, nutritious diet.

   • Do some weight-bearing exercises or yoga.

   • Practice relaxing or working on deepening your spiritual practices.

2. Implement a “stop” method. 

   • A stop method is a process that can help you get your rational thinking mind back. The first step has you stop the awfulizing and disconnect from the emotion at the moment.

   • Take a deep breath. Focus on someone else who needs your empathy.

   • Propose a question to yourself and reframe your circumstances. 

3. Report the facts. 

   • Take the temporary feeling of anxiety that you have and report just the facts.

   • Don’t just report the inflammatory facts that you want them to be, but the real facts of the situation.

Had I known any of the strategies like the ones above, I likely could have saved myself hours of emotional turmoil. Why did it take me over 50 years to learn this? Deal with the facts as they are, try and resolve the issue at hand, and relax. Stop awfulizing. You got this!*

*I want to take time here to acknowledge something very important. There are people who have clinical anxiety and are under the care of a physician. They are not just stuck in a case of awfulizing. If that is you or someone you know, there are great mental health professionals that can help you get the relief that you need.

4 Strategies for Leaders to Think More Critically

I was on the phone one day with an old friend who was retiring from his job of 30 years but felt like he was still too young to just spend his days fishing and playing golf. So, we started talking about what it is like to be in business for yourself. As the conversation went along, he asked me “Do you know the story of the turtle on the fence post?"

This story, that I wanted to share in honor of Father’s Day yesterday, is about a father and his daughter driving along the road in West Texas. The road was long and straight and there was nothing but concrete, blue sky, and fence posts to look at. It seems like they had driven for hours to the point where all they saw was fence post….fence post…..fence post. If you have driven in West Texas you know what this can be like. Fencepost…fencepost…fencepost with a turtle on it….fencepost…Then the young girl turned to her dad and said, “Did you see that turtle on the fencepost? I wonder how it got there!”

The story has been around for a long time, and yet, as I was thinking about the relationship between coaching and leadership it really struck me as impactful. As both coaches and leaders, we get mental pictures of how we are seeing the world. One very important task we all have is to be able to ask the right questions in order to get our clients and teams to broaden their perspectives when obstacles arise. Being open to perspective is the key to understanding and a sure sign you are at a minimum being empathic. The father, seeing a teachable moment, pulls the truck off the side of the road, turns to his daughter, and says, “The question isn’t how the turtle got there. The question really is WHO put the turtle there?”

Leadership Application

As leaders, so many times we see it as our job to have all the answers. We can have this insatiable desire for information or for knowledge. We fall into the trap of thinking that the person with the information is the one who has the power in a relationship.  While it is foolish to discount the importance of having information, I have come to believe that it is the person who asks the right questions that really sets the tone and the agenda in the organization.

In the story about the turtle on the fence post, the daughter had the information. She was able to observe what was going on in her world. She even asked her dad an interesting question. She did not assume she could explain the quite unnatural phenomena herself. In front of her was a turtle on a fence post. This was: unnatural, interesting, alluring, and intriguing.

All of these would be natural responses to seeing a turtle on a fence post.  And she also did not do something mindless, like go on her phone and mindlessly scroll through her social media pages. She is present and asks a question of her dad, in fact, a good question, a reasonable question.  “How did the turtle get there?” The father knew that in this case, the answer to the question lay deeper.

4 Strategies for Leaders to Think More Critically

As I was thinking about the story of the turtle on the fence post and how it might apply to leadership, four main things came to mind about strategies for leaders to think more critically.

1. Be careful not to rush to judgment.

   This is a real trap for the experienced leader. A young person brings a problem into the office and rather than ask for understanding or context, the wise sage says, "I have seen this 100 times in all my years…."

   While having experience is important, as leaders we must be cautious in playing the experience card. Experience can give the impression of certainty. Certainty brings with it an idea of mitigation of risk. "I have seen this before and this is what will work."

   The problem with certainty is that there is no room for creativity or curiosity. There is no room for learning for that young leader. There is no place for them to develop their own set of experiences so that they have things to judge against in the future.

2. Be open and curious in your questioning.

   The main point here is for the leader to work hard to be unbiased and to be really genuine. We have to have our curiosity meter set on maximum as well as our genuine interest be on helping the other person.  

3. Co-create reality.

   Leaders who are skilled at critical thinking have the ability to co-create reality with those they are working with. Develop the ability to come up with questions for which you have no answer.  These types of questions will help to create the reality that you and your followers are experiencing.

   As you think about the turtle on the fence post, remember that the father knew that there was no way the turtle could have gotten there on its own. There was some assistance that was needed.  “How” the turtle got there was not going to get the conversation much further.  “I don’t know” is about the only answer you could expect to get. In this case, the person who might come into your office might be left with “Well, let me see if I can go find some reasons for turtles to be on a fence post and I will get back to you.”

   But the father circumvented this by changing the question.  By changing the question, the little girl now can co-create the reality with her father and a teachable moment comes about.  As the question changes from “how” to “who," the leader is able to set the agenda and the follower is able to enter into this reality as a co-creator of what can be versus just describing what is.

4. Think about WHO as much as you think about HOW.

   Almost once a week I find myself in a conversation with someone looking for a new job. Their questions often go something like: “I am thinking about looking for a new job and was wondering if you could take a look at my resume?” My standard reply has become, “Who do you know there? Who do you know in the industry?” 

   Call me old school, but it is the person hiring who gets me the job, not my resume. How you got to the interview and all of your great experience IS NOT getting you the job that you desire. I guarantee it is the hiring manager who is going to bring you on the team.

So let’s remember these strategies and the story of the turtle on the fencepost when we need to think more critically. Do you have any additional tips to improve your critical thinking?

Memorial Day 2023

Today is Memorial Day 2023. A memorial is an object which serves as a remembrance focusing us on something from our past, either personal or historical.

Oftentimes this object is physical, such as a flag, a piece of stone, or a shape like a cross or a star. The physical object serves as a trigger for us to stop, even if just for a moment, to remember. This object interrupts our thinking and causes us to momentarily think of something different.

Sometimes the object is a day. Like Memorial Day today, for instance. Where we pause from our regular flow of activity and do something different.

Memorials and reflections

Memorials take us out of our routine to reflect. If we just keep on doing what we have always done, then the memorial is not having much of an effect on us. Today, can we all slow down a bit and think? Maybe about something from our past. Maybe about an interaction we had with someone, how good it was. Or, if it was not so good, what could you have done differently to make it better?

I think this is the real challenge of memorials, exemplified in the United States as Memorial Day. Are we willing to stop and really examine ourselves and how we are behaving as a nation and as people? It is easy to see how others are impacting us. It is much harder to see the impact we are having on those around us. Yet this is the real purpose of memorials.

pause and reflection

We need to stop and think critically. What I mean by this is having the ability to challenge our own points of view. We don’t want to lose the ability to empathize with others to the point that we don’t care at all to see things from their point of view. Let’s do the work to understand where someone else might be coming from.

One of the things that really makes the United States stand out in our world is our ability to speak freely. I actually think as a country we are pretty good at this. What we need to work on is listening. Let’s stop and ask some curious questions about others about why they think what they think rather than assuming if they have an opposite view from you that they are wrong. At the end of the day, no one says you have to agree, but at least you will have a better understanding of where they are coming from.

Memorials serve as guideposts for behaviors, personally and for society. These objects really are a time for us to step back and reflect on who we are and where we are headed. They give us an opportunity to remember all the good and the bad and to put perspective on each of these.

My hope for you this Memorial Day 2023 is that you have the ability to pause and reflect. In this reflection, if someone has an opposing view to yours, I hope you will spend the time to be curious about where they are coming from, rather than having that knee-jerk reaction to defend your position. Perhaps the real work here is to just listen and be curious with them without having to even share your point of view. Let's all work this Memorial Day and every day forward on our listening skills, rather than just sharing our opinions.

May we demonstrate the ability to understand the other person's perspective before we automatically go to war with them over something? Let us try and find some kindness, compassion, and understanding in our approach to our fellow man this Memorial Day.

Have a safe and Happy Memorial Day 2023, from Livingston Consulting Group.

What Is Your Change Style?

Stop and think for a minute. Slow down, take a deep breath, and think for a minute about this question:

As a leader, what is the single most important thing you are trying to change in your organization?

Do you have that ONE thing in mind? Now write it down.

In my work as an organizational consultant and executive coach, I often work with leaders who have several things they are trying to change at the same time. They are trying to make their organization more efficient, plus more focused, and they want to have their employees think in a new or different way.

It would be fairly easy to lead if you only had to make one change at a time, and you could do this in a linear and synchronous fashion. No one I know in leadership has this luxury though.

Change is all around you, coming at you from every side.

• Budgets change

• People change

• Expectations change

• Visions change

• Customers change

• Products change

• Regulations change

• Bosses’ minds change

Often all of these types of changes happen at the same time. Sometimes you are in complete control of these changes, and other times you feel like you are in more of a reactionary position.

No matter the position you find yourself in, as a leader, one thing is clear, part of your calling is to be able and willing to change. No one these days is interested in people who can just lead the status quo.

Style Preferences:

One of the things I have been thinking more about over the past several months is not necessarily the types of changes or even my level of control over them, but more so about how my team members and customers approach change in general. In our organization, we have a lot of changes going on sometimes all at once:

• We add new team members

• We launch new websites

• We take on more projects

• We add new courses to our teaching repertoire

• We start to do executive coaching in new industries and with new clients

Change is everywhere.

However, I have been trying to focus less on the “what” that is changing and more on the “how” each person on my team responds to change.

Let’s face it. Some of you are change junkies. Change gives your brain a huge dopamine rush and you get an overwhelmingly positive feeling when things are changing. Some of you like to move so fast that you end up getting several steps ahead of everyone else and you are forced to slow down or lose others completely. Others of you realize that change is imminent, but you have more of a slow-and-steady-wins-the-race approach.

Experts on change agree that while there is no one-style-fits-all approach, each of us has our own approach or style that we are more comfortable with when it comes to change.

Changes Style Indicator:

A tool that I use to better understand the change styles of my team is the “Change Style Indicator”. This is a simple and easy-to-use assessment you can look up online that gives people a glimpse into their style preferences when they are faced with change. The assessment takes less than 10 minutes to complete, then you are scored on a change style continuum of three styles that represent distinct approaches when responding to change. The continuum ranges from a Conserver Style to an Originator Style, to a Pragmatists Style, occupying the middle range of the continuum.

I have found that working with my team in light of this assessment has really helped us to manage all the changes we are facing in a more productive way. While this tool does not give any indication of whether or not we are good at change, or even if our styles are effective for the type of changes we are facing, what it does for me as a leader is:

• Allow me to approach everyone on my team as an individual in the ways they like to approach change

• Get a better feel for the underlying emotion and anxieties associated with the change

• Better understand some of the natural conflicts that arise between team members based on the changes they are facing

• Get better at responding, helping to enhance collaboration, and even encouraging the team to innovate more

I asked a member of my team to answer a few questions about their perspective on the Change Style Indicator.

1. How easy was this assessment to take and how long did it take you to complete it?

   The Change Style Indicator assessment only took me about 15 minutes, including the time to read the instructions. The questions are straightforward and ask you for the response that immediately comes to mind. There are no "right" or "wrong" answers, you are just asked to be candid in your responses.

2. What is one thing that you learned about yourself from the assessment that you didn’t already know?

   I have utilized several personality and communication style assessments, but I've never taken one directly related to dealing with change. I enjoyed reading the detailed results report, which indicated I am a "Pragmatist" with a "Conserver" orientation. This means that I prefer the kind of change that happens for practical reasons, and I want to make sure any change is a group effort, keeping in mind what is best for the team.

3. How can you see yourself using this assessment as you influence others on our team?

   The results report provided a useful outline of my strengths and weaknesses when dealing with change. This is helpful for my work in the future as it gives me tools to explain to other team members how I can best contribute to change within our organization. If everyone on my team utilizes the Change Style Indicator, it can help us when planning our work so that the assignments and expectations are tailored to suit the strengths and weaknesses of each team member.

4. What advice would you give to someone who wanted to be more influential as a leader in their organization?

   Self-awareness is an essential skill for any leader. When working with a team, you not only have to understand yourself but you have to also be able to adapt your style when necessary to get the best results with your group. The Change Style Indicator is a useful key to self-awareness in managing organizational change.

So, as you can see, simple tools like this can be quite effective in helping us as leaders to assess our teams and what the best approaches might be to maximize our change opportunities.

Takeaway:

Go back to that change that you wrote down initially at the beginning of this post. Now think about all the people on your team who are affected by that change. What words would you use to describe the way they approach change? I think taking some time and assessing how people respond to change can make all the difference in how effective we are as leaders in making change happen.

Self-Awareness: The Path to Personal Growth

Have you ever encountered someone who seemed completely out of sync with their surroundings? I recently had a client describe an experience that got me thinking about the importance of self-awareness, particularly in the context of leadership.

She was attending a conference for business leaders when she encountered a CEO who seemed to be on a different wavelength than everyone else. Let's call him John. John was known for being a brilliant strategist and a charismatic speaker, but in person, she found him to be aloof and dismissive of those around him. She watched as he spoke to other attendees, barely acknowledging their presence and dismissing their ideas without much thought.

During a panel discussion, John was asked a question by a fellow CEO. Instead of answering the question, he launched into a long-winded monologue about his own accomplishments, completely oblivious to the topic at hand. The other CEO tried to interject to get the conversation back on track, but John continued talking over him.

Following the panel, my client had a one-on-one conversation with John and inquired about his leadership philosophy. John spoke about his aspirations for the company and the strategic plans he had implemented, but when another attendee asked him a specific question about his team, he appeared uneasy. John acknowledged that he didn't have a strong grasp of his employees' personalities and interests, and further stated that he didn't feel invested in their individual lives or issues.

It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that John is a classic example of a leader who lacks self-awareness. He was so focused on his own vision and accomplishments that he didn't realize how his behavior was impacting those around him. He didn't see the value in engaging with his team or even taking the time to understand their perspectives.

Self-aware leaders are able to build strong relationships with their team members and create a culture of trust and collaboration. They are able to recognize their own strengths and weaknesses and surround themselves with people who can complement their skills. And they are able to navigate complex situations with grace and empathy, knowing when to listen and when to assert their own perspective.

Self-Awareness

Take a moment to reflect on your own level of self-awareness. Are you able to recognize how your behavior impacts those around you? Are you willing to listen to feedback and make adjustments when necessary? Are you building strong relationships with your team members? By cultivating self-awareness, you can become a more effective leader and create a more successful organization.

Curious about where to start? Here are 6 critical skills for leaders to develop self-awareness:

6 Critical self-Awareness Skills

Identifying your emotions and their impact on your actions.

It is not enough to know how you feel. You have to think about the impact of your actions. When someone drops a bomb on you, you must consider not only how you feel, but how those feelings are impacting your behaviors. Your behaviors at the moment are impacting your followers in the future.

Confidently expressing how you feel without relying on others.

As a leader, you need to be confident in expressing your thoughts, beliefs, and feelings. You also need to be aware of how your expressions will impact others beyond this present moment.

Creating vulnerability in your relationships.

People under your leadership need to know you are real. They need to know who you are. Research shows that for most people, trust is a slow-building, iterative, and layered process that happens over time. According to Dr. Brene Brown, vulnerability involves risk. This is exactly what the people who want to follow you are looking for.

Realizing how your emotions impact your decisions.

We are not always as rational as we desire to be. Stop and think for a moment about the last few decisions you had to make. Now think about the emotions that were involved in them. Did your emotions impact your decisions? Of course, they did! But that is not the point. The point is for you to consider their impact on your decision-making.

Recognizing your primary coping mechanisms.

Every leader needs coping mechanisms. We need ways to deal with the stress that naturally comes with our role. If you don’t have specific plans to deal with stress when it comes your way, you need one. Leaders who are self-aware can do more than just say they can cope with stress, they can communicate their plan for putting it into motion.

Prioritizing what gives you joy.

Do you know what you love? Do you know what brings you joy? Do you know what makes you happy? Good! Now, do you prioritize it? Before you say yes, take a moment to check your calendar or talk to those loved ones around you. Now, can you say you prioritize what brings you joy?

Are you interested in this topic of self-awareness & leadership? I’m excited to share with you this excellent podcast from two EQ-i certified practitioners, Kristin Bartholomew & Tara Rumler, as they explore self-actualization as it relates to parenting — the ultimate leadership role! Click below to check it out or share it with someone who may enjoy it.

Valentine’s Day Is Around the Corner!

Hey, I know you are busy! We all are busy. But being busy is no excuse for not letting the most important relationships in your life know how important they are to you. The thing I love about this day set aside to celebrate love is the intentionality of it all. 

Valentine’s Day is a day when I can celebrate the women who are important to me. They are all very special relationships and I want them to know how much I cherish the relationship I have with each one of them. I guarantee that there will be something I will do for each of them that lets them know on this special day of celebration that they are on my mind and in my heart.

Being Intentional

One thing I have noticed over the last few years is the value of my relationships. I am a bit ashamed to admit that in the past I have sometimes put the idea of money or commerce above relationships. Thankfully, I can honestly say that I no longer do this. Not that making a living in my work is not important, because it is. However, money is simply no longer the thing I want to be very intentional about.  

For me, beyond the giving of a gift like flowers or chocolate, on Valentine’s Day, I will intentionally focus on ensuring my relationships are well-formed and intact. Being intentional requires being meaningful and purposeful. It requires aligning my goals and my choices so that what am I doing reflects what is important to me.

I think Valentine’s Day is a great way that I can bring meaning and purpose into both my life and the lives of the relationships that are most important to me. And I can do this by being intentional with my emotional connections.

Emotional Communication

One way to show your loved one that you care for them is to purchase them something that is a token expression of your love. This is probably the easiest for most of us to do, but in the end, probably communicates the least how we really feel about the other person.

By no means am I saying that you should stiff your loved one on this day, but why not consider taking an additional step toward some deeper emotional connection with them?

A great way to show your significant other how much you care is to do something for them. In addition to or instead of buying something, why not actually create something? There are not many things that say “I love you” more than the other person knowing you spent time creating something, thinking of them the entire time you were doing it. Maybe you could sit for an hour and write them a poem? Or, if you are so inclined, maybe you could step in and take care of a task that they would normally do themselves.

The big idea around emotional connection is that you are noticing them and thinking about them. And If you can, perhaps the best way to connect with someone emotionally is to simply spend time with them.

Try engaging in some conversation about a subject they enjoy but that you might not know so much about. Maybe there is a TV show that your partner really enjoys or a sports team that they follow. The idea around small talk is that you become inquisitive about all aspects of their lives. Psychoanalyst Harry Stack Sullivan developed an approach that he called “detailed inquiry,” where you get curious talking to others about all aspects of their lives.

What research is showing is that these small insignificant conversations actually create more of an emotional connection than the deeper conversations about life's most significant issues. Even something as simple as making a grocery list together or going over in detail all the movies playing at the theater before deciding which one to see can draw you closer to another person.   Once you have talked about these small insignificant experiences, then go out and share them together!

Maybe you can sit with your significant other and create some small talk about what a great Valentine's Day dinner might look like for the two of you. What the meal will consist of, what kind of candles should there be, do you want a tablecloth or a runner, cloth or paper napkins? Just get curious together about the insignificant details. Then go to the store together and buy all the things you talked about. Get the napkins, the steaks, the candles, etc. Tomorrow, put the entire dinner on the table together. Fix the meal together. Pour each other a glass of wine. Just be together in the same moment. These are the things of deep emotional connections.

Too many times we think these types of connections require deep topics that are serious in nature, but if you want to connect with another person on an emotional level, try to spend some time just chatting about the small stuff and then create an experience around the small conversation.

You will be so glad that you did. Happy Valentine’s Day!

3-Step Recipe for a Productivity Reset

Question: When is the last time you experienced a productivity reset?

I read recently that in a knowledge-working society, the work we do is really about creativity.  Now, when I hear the word creativity my mind immediately goes to the painters and sculptors of the world. The work they do is creative. 

Before those of us who are scientists, technologists, and managers or leaders abdicate the world of creativity to the artists, we probably should step back for a moment and make sure we are not leaving the best part of us behind.

The Story

I had a conversation with one of my former graduate students who said she was completely burned out and didn’t know how she was going to get her research project finished on time.  She was definitely in need of a productivity reset.

Here is a part of our conversation:

“..By the time I finish my commute to and from work, I am logging 60 hours or more a week. In addition, I have a family and my church that are both important to me. I just don’t have any energy left for creativity to get this research project finished.”

I could just sense the frustration and disappointment in her voice as she was trying to figure out how to be more productive. Then almost without taking a breath, she said,

“…You know, perhaps I could be more efficient in the morning. If I got up an hour earlier I could get more done because I am at my most creative in the morning.”  

The Point

As knowledge workers, we are all going to have to realize that more time, more effort, and more energy don’t always equal creativity or effectiveness.  It just equals more time and more effort. That's it.  If you are playing a game of “who works hardest”, then keep going, but if you want to be creative and innovative, then maybe work as hard as you can while you're working and then stop and do something else.

I think there is a reason that athletes work really hard in times of peak performance and then rest their bodies.

There is a reason writers like J.R.R. Tolkien, William Stafford, and Victor Hugo would work for a while in the morning and then go for long walks in the afternoon.  

Both high-performing athletes and creative writers alike see the value of both hard work and the regenerative process of a productivity reset.  There is only so much a knowledge worker can do to be productive before they need to recharge their brain.

According to Margaret Moussa, Maria-Estella Varua, and Matthew Wright’s work on knowledge workers, what has been left out of the discussion up until now are issues of self-efficacy and well-being.  

The questions we need to ask ourselves as leaders are:

Can we as leaders continue to treat our knowledge workers the same way we treated productivity workers of ages gone by?

And… Can we as knowledge workers continue to try and cram more stuff into our day and expect quality outputs?

3-STEP Rest Process

Here are three things that I try to do when I am in need of a productivity reset:

1. Read. There is nothing like reading to stimulate productivity. If I ever have writer's block, reading poetry or fiction can be some of the best ways I know to get my juices flowing again.
   

2. Walk. I love to exercise, but when I work out I am really focused on pushing my body, so I don’t get many creative thoughts going when my heart rate is above 140. But when I am just out for a walk, the sun is shining, and I can sense the beauty all around me, my creative energy just seems to flow.
   

3. Phone a Friend. For me, there is nothing like community and conversation to spur creativity. I always feel better when I get off the phone with my coach or my coaching group. There is just something about talking to others that will spur my creative process.

As leaders, when we think about ourselves or those who are in our care, perhaps we need to be thinking less about how productive we can be and more about how we are practicing self-care. Elements like reading, taking a walk, and engaging in a community are the real ways we gain wisdom. 

Could it be that as knowledge workers we are really seeking things like wisdom, and as we do we actually become more productive as a by-product? Hmm, I think I will go for a walk.

5 Reflections to Consider as You Review Last Year’s Goals

Like many of you, last year I set some goals for my business, my career, and my personal life. Since we are almost halfway through January of 2023, I pulled out those goals to review them and assess my progress. I thought I might share with you what I have learned from that reflection time.

The Main Goal

One of the goals that I set in my personal life in the past was that for golf, I wanted to be able to consistently shoot in the mid 80’s by a certain time.

A goal is best when it is specific, measurable, achievable, and time-bound.

Currently, I am frustrated by how realistic that goal might actually be! When I set the goal, it was totally within my grasp. But, right now, I am not so sure.

I played a round recently and I scored a 95. However, I was shooting consistently between 89 and 91 previously. That is a 6 shot difference...in the wrong direction! As I was reflecting on this goal I had set, I not only became frustrated but I was disappointed as well.

Who wants to set a goal, get intentional with it, invest time in developing it, then feel like you are going backward?

You might be feeling this way about some of the goals you set as well. Maybe you haven’t made much progress, or like me in my golf game, you have gone backward a bit in your development.

Please do not get discouraged!

Oftentimes, we know we are growing because things get worse before they get better. If you hang in there and keep practicing, your goals can be within your reach. I have confidence that if you put your mind to it, you can achieve what it is you desire.

Here are 5 things I learned as I reflected on NOT MEETING my goal...

My Development Reflection

1. Changed My Tools.
   As I began my quest to become a better golfer, people kept telling me, “Scott, you need new equipment.” Mind you, the clubs I had were good enough. I had become comfortable with them and they were serving me well. But person after person, who I really respect when it comes to the game of golf, told me that my game would really improve if I upgraded my clubs. So I did it.
   
   Reflection Lesson: What I have learned is that development takes time, yet time does not stand still for development. Yes, I needed to retool, but that took months to happen! Month by month, my game did not improve because I did not plan far enough in advance.
   
   How about you? Have you ever set a goal for yourself, then time goes by and the expectation you have for yourself doesn’t have enough grace in it to allow for this time lag? If I had the new clubs earlier, where would I be now? Who knows? But the good news is that I have time, so maybe a little bit of grace toward myself might be a good thing.
   

2. Received Some Coaching.
   I am not sure how improvement happens without a coach. Now, coaching is not something you have to necessarily pay for, but I know in my golf game, I need new ideas, new things to practice, and accountability.
   
   Reflection Lesson: Coaching is mandatory for growth.
   
   How about you? When was the last time you were open to some feedback and trying new things in how you approach your development? The best thing my coach has done for me is kept me from going back to the things I should not have been doing.
   

3. Did Not Practice Regularly Enough.
   Some months are very busy month for me. I can have a very large new project at work added to an already full schedule. No excuses, I simply did not prioritize golf. Again, I think I need to give myself some grace. I am not naturally a good golfer, so I need practice time. I know if I do not practice, I will not improve. Period.
   
   How about you? Do you ever get so busy that you just don’t have time to prioritize your own development? It happens to all of us, but if we are not going to prioritize practice, what does that say about the expectations we have for ourselves? If something does not come naturally to you, practice is essential for development to occur.
   

4. Practicing Extremes.
   One thing I have noticed is that there is a big difference between my practice time and my game time. I had begun to take my practice sessions and extend them into my game time. Big mistake! Practice should be just that, a time to try new things. I was practicing extremely hard during my practice time. But, when I took it to my game time, it didn’t show the same results.
   
   How about you? Have you ever taken practice into the game and it didn’t go well, so you gave up? Instead of giving up, why not just back off the extreme of practice a bit? No need to go full force all the time. Practice hard, then find your game rhythm.
   

5. Failure As Learning.
   I think one of the things I was reminded of most during my reflection is that I am not failing at my goal. Sure, I have not yet hit my target. In fact. But, I have learned a lot along the way. I now have the right tools and the right coaching, and I’m practicing on a regular basis with the right mindset when it comes to learning and performance. I feel like I am ready for a breakthrough.
   
   How about you? How do you look at goals when you are not meeting them? How do you respond? Optimism is the skill of responding to setbacks and is a valuable commodity when things are not going your way.

The year is just beginning. Pull out your development goals! Review them honestly. Then, get moving toward the leader you want to be. It is never too late to give yourself some grace and begin your progress.

See you at the TOP!

Can Being Instead of Doing Affect Your Organizational Culture?

Years ago I worked at an organization that had a cultural norm of “respect for people." This norm was carried out in many positive ways such as compassion with the loss of an employee's family member, care with paternity and maternity leaves, and even performance-reflected pay-base in this respectful culture.

In one department, a leader swooped in with an agenda. He would make changes in performance standards but only select favorites would be told of these new rules. Low-performance ratings were given to people who had traditionally been top performers. The culture shifted dramatically and the organization became chaotic and fragmented. The previous cultural norms were no longer reliable. All anyone knew was to "please the leader or you are out."

Six months later the entire department had been decimated. The leader had to be replaced. What was once a high-performing organization had been completely and utterly destroyed by the actions of one person. One really loud voice was able to take down an entire team, exiting many top performers from the company in the process.

The culture you define as an organizational leader impacts the development of your team members. If they don't feel safe, they definitely won't feel valued as a team member. And if they don't feel valued, then they won't be motivated. When you have unmotivated team members you run the risk of losing them or leaving untapped potential on the table.

So, how do you create a culture that allows your newest team members to feel safe as well as your current colleagues to be motivated? Perhaps it's not something that you DO, but instead what you can BE.

Focus on developing your Emotional Intelligence. This effort on your part will impact the culture you want to create. As you create this positive culture, the desired behaviors will become part of who you are and not just something that you do occasionally. Think deeply about the kind of culture you are shaping as you lead your team.

Here are five things you can become that will positively impact the culture of your organization:

Be Self Aware

Know yourself and be confident in your abilities. Understand how you handle your emotions and how they impact your company. Your team is watching to see how you will react. In fact, they may be able to predict your behaviors. Become just as aware of yourself and how you can choose your emotional responses.

Be Assertive

Communicate your what, how, and why in a simple, clear, and even repetitive way so that your team understands.

Be Empathetic

When I teach seminars on Emotional Intelligence, I often ask the group for a common definition of empathy. The response I get back more than any other is “walking a mile in the other person’s shoes.” I love this definition, but to take it one step further (pun intended),I would add that empathy is “walking a mile in the other person’s shoes, even when the shoe doesn’t fit." Being empathetic is about being compassionate, caring, listening, and being flexible as needed. I strongly believe we should not neglect the impact empathy has on shaping the culture of your company. Showing regular empathy will instantly invoke safety and value in your teammates.

Be in Control

Don’t waver or change things based on emotional reactions. When something comes up that causes an emotional response, remind yourself of the company’s mission and your principles to ensure your decisions align with your mission. This way, your team can feel confident that you won't make changes at the drop of a hat. As they trust you, they can focus on the work they need to do.

Be Optimistic

Positive people are magnetic. Their energy makes others want to be around them. In order to be optimistic, you have to change the way you talk to yourself. Begin to see the best in yourself, recognize setbacks as learning opportunities, and realize obstacles are unique, temporary events that you'll get through.

How are you doing with these five things? Look back over the list and fill in the rest of these phrases:

I want to be more…

So that my team can feel …

And we'll create a culture that is ...

Share what you wrote with a mentor or coach and have them help you with this development. If you can't think of who to share this with, write it in our comments below or contact me directly. I'd love to hear what you have to say and find out how we can help you!

5 Steps Toward Sustainable Change

This is a very busy time of year for many of us.  In the United States, we celebrated Thanksgiving last week, which means Christmas is just around the corner.

For many of you in business, that can also mean another thing.

It is performance review time.

This is the time when you will sit down with your supervisor and go over the goals you set for the year and measure your performance against those standards. That is how it is supposed to work in theory.

For over-achievers, this can also be a very anxious time. Most of us who work in organizations get up every morning and our self-created goal is to do the very best we can every day. Sometimes what we are supposed to do is very ambiguous. For example, we are doing updates on an hourly basis, when the report is only due weekly.

I am confident that most of you show up wanting to do the very best that you can with the time you have available, no matter what your individual circumstance. You feel like you have exceeded your goals and far surpassed expectations. Yet you will sit down with your supervisor at some point and discover only a percentage of us can get that top performance ranking in any given year.  The rules of statistics say that most of us will grade out on a bell curve to just an average performance rating, even though we feel you deserve more recognition.

We might get a little defensive or deaf to the supervisor’s message. I want you to think proactively, “What can I change to achieve recognition as a top performer next year?”

Maybe you need to add a skill to your toolbox. Maybe you need to be more assertive with your peers or show a little more empathy with your direct reports. Whatever the case, for most of you the real question you must answer is “How to sustain the change you want to make?”

The issue of sustaining change is not a new concept. Kurt Lewen observed in the 1940s that making a change was often very short-lived. It's like drinking an energy drink. Sure, you are moving faster or have more focus, but so often, once the caffeine is out of your system, the energy level decreases back to its original level. Lewen noted that something more was needed than a shot-in-the-arm type of boost. Sure, changes can be made in the short term, but how do you translate that change to sustained higher performance?

5 Steps Toward Sustainable Change

1. Create a long-term value proposition.

   The coaching client has to see relevant long-term value in making any change that has been identified. Focusing on a value proposition will often cause the client to wrestle with their own belief system. Without changing what the person believes to be true, old behavioral habits may return. For a health example, it may take me ten years to realize that currently overeating or eating the wrong foods was bad for me. It is too easy to succumb to temptation if you are only focused on getting your short-term needs met.

2. Experiment with new behaviors to find a fit.

   So often I hear coaches talk about practicing new behaviors before they even know if the new behavior will work or not. I like for my clients to experiment with several options to see what will work for them. The fear I have is if this step is skipped then we could end up practicing the wrong behavior and have to go through the process of unlearning and relearning. For my health example above, I had to experiment with reducing the size of my protein choice at dinner, giving up a snack before bed, working out an extra day a week, and eliminating fried foods. I played with all of these and finally decided I wanted to reduce my protein size at dinner. I went from eating an entire chicken breast to only eating a portion size equal to the size of my fist.

3. Practice the new behavior in a number of contexts.

   Then, I practiced this new behavior. When my wife and I grill now, we split a chicken breast. When I go out to eat I ask for smaller sizes. When I travel I am no longer ordering the largest meal on the menu because I forgot to have an afternoon snack. To gain sustainability it is important to practice the new behavior across contexts. For instance, one of my clients had to practice not interrupting his boss, his peers, and his direct reports. He had to practice not interrupting during presentations, one-on-ones, and on conference calls.

4. Identify relational feedback loops.

   No change can happen in isolation. We all need constant feedback. We need safe places to see if people notice the changes we are making. This is where it can help to share your development goals across a broad number of relationships. This constant feedback loop is critical to making that new behavior a sticky habit. My client would ask his direct reports during one-on-one meetings, "My goal is not to interrupt you and finish your sentences during our meeting today. If I do this would you please get up and put a tick mark on my whiteboard?” Feedback is a gift, all the way through the development process.

5. Celebrate the noted change.

   Let the dopamine in your brain flow. You have worked long and hard to gain this change, maybe somewhere between 2 and 3 months at a minimum. Celebrate. Why not let the good feeling of accomplishment and a job well-done flow through to those who have been with you on your development journey?

Do you have other coaching sustainability tips? Why not leave a comment or share an experience below?

How to Hold Each Other Accountable and Still Care

When I was young, I did not do much reading. Not that I didn’t enjoy it, there was just no time for it between watching basketball on TV and playing basketball every other minute that I was awake. When I entered the fifth grade, that all changed because our teacher, Mrs. Katobi was pretty clear that if you wanted to get to sixth grade, some of your time would be spent reading.

I can recall a conversation she had with me:

“What do you enjoy?” she asked. “Sports. Basketball mostly,” I replied.

“Good, find and read a book about a basketball player and give me a book report on Monday.”

“I don’t have any books on basketball players,” I said to her, thinking this would be the end of the conversation.

“Fine,” she said, “I will call your mother and tell her that you need to go to the library.” And she did.

So, instead of shooting hoops after school that day, my mother drove me to our local library.

Not only that, but Mrs. Katobi had also phoned ahead and told the librarian I would be looking for a book about a basketball player. The librarian escorted me over to the biography section where it seemed to me like the sheer number of books on the shelf could keep a kid from ever playing basketball or another sport ever again. Just picking one book from this vast sea of paper was overwhelming.

This librarian at Peoria Heights Library asked me, “Who is your favorite basketball player?”

“Wilt the Stilt Chamberlin,” I replied, thinking that no way would there be a book on Chamberlin, then I would be back on the court in no time.  

She said, “Let me see. I think there is a book on him that came in not too long ago.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” I thought to myself.

Walking over to the shelf, she pulls an autobiography, Wilt: Just Like Any Other 7-Foot Black Millionaire Who Lives Next Door, off the shelf.

I have always been thankful for these two women, the librarian and Mrs. Katobi. They knew what was best for me. They cared enough to set high expectations (at least for a poor kid from the other side of the tracks) and held me accountable. They knew the work I needed to get done and helped me find an interesting way to do it. They did not micromanage the entire work process. Mrs. Katobi cared enough to take some roadblocks out of my way by calling both my mom and the librarian. As I reflect, this really gave me the feeling that she cared enough to make the calls on my behalf.

The bar was set for me. Care and compassion were shown. Then it was up to me.

Paul Zak made an interesting argument about this when he wrote in Harvard Business Review and in the Consulting Psychology Journal: Practice and Research, about the powerful neurochemical oxytocin. According to Zak, no matter what you think about people in your organization, the decision to show up is completely voluntary. In our society, people can pretty much do whatever they want to do. Employees are not that different than people who go to church or a grocery store. They, in essence, volunteer to do whatever it is they are going to do.

Sure, in a work organization they are paid. Zak gives insight into this, stating that his research shows, “they choose an organization at which to work.” It is in this realization the brain chemical oxytocin comes into play. The culture of your organization can stimulate oxytocin in your employees through all types of engagement where people feel cared for and respected. Alternately, your work environment may feel more negative, causing people to feel driven elsewhere to a place where they are more valued and appreciated.

According to Zak, his work with oxytocin shows it is the biochemical basis for the Golden Rule. “If you treat me well, my brain will synthesize oxytocin and this will motivate me to reciprocate.”

I shared this research, through the lens of Emotional Intelligence, with a client I was working with. He listened intently, nodded his head, and said, “Yeah, but...”, meaning “I do not agree”. Following the “yeah, but,” came “what we need to do is set clear goals and hold our associates accountable to do what they say they are going to do.”

“Exactly” I agreed. Holding them accountable with care and compassion will get them to want to engage.  

Turns out that is really not the end of the oxytocin story or my story. You see, I read the book, did the report, turned it in, and thought that was it. Assignment finished. I wanted to get back out to shoot hoops. However, Mrs. Katobi pulled a brilliant move.

“Class,” she said that next week, “I have just read the most fascinating report about a very tall basketball player and I thought you all might enjoy learning about him. Scott, why don’t you come up and share what you learned about Wilt the Stilt?”

When I finished, they clapped.

According to Zak, another big surge in Oxytocin occurs when we celebrate success. In addition, another neurochemical gets released called dopamine, which among other things is the brain’s reinforcement chemical. I wonder if Mrs. Katobi knew at that moment she was creating a lifelong, voracious reader.

How about you? Who at work do you need to show you are in empathetic agreement with? What achievement of some other person do you plan to celebrate in the near future?

Perhaps you know someone who needs to think more deeply about this idea of caring accountability. Why not forward them the link to this blog post and have a discussion about it?

A Simple Hack for Work Relationship Difficulties

I know it is going to be an interesting conversation with a coaching client when the conversation opens with “I’m struggling with a person on my team. We do not have a very good relationship. Do you have any advice for me?”

For me, being a coach is about the person I am working with, figuring out what is going on inside of them so that they can get the responses or actions they want. My desire is to function more like an investigator rather than an oracle. Rather than providing advice, I find myself asking them a lot more questions.

When a client talks to me about their relational struggles, many questions come to my mind. I really have to think about what direction I want the conversation to go. Here are some questions I get curious about:

• Why is there a struggle?

• What is it about this person that makes things difficult?

• Do you feel this way about others on the team?

• What does a good relationship look like to you?

• Do you have good relationships with other team members?

• Are there any other contexts that are affecting the relationship as opposed to it being just about this person?

No matter which of these questions I ultimately ask, the answer is usually one that is a surprise to me. So, if I ask, “Why the struggle?” I would get back something like “The person reminds me of someone from my past who treated me horribly.” Or, “They are a micromanager, so the further I stay away from them the better.”

This is where as a coach, I have to practice what Edgar Schein calls “Humble Inquiry;” asking a question that you don’t know the answer to with an attitude of interest in the other person.

Schein says that as leaders in the conversation it is up to the leader to humble themselves. This means that I, as the leader have to put my needs and desires aside and really focus on the person in front of me and what they need at the time. This can be really hard.

It would be easier, rather than asking a follow-up question, to relate an experience that I have had in the past and to rush in and solve the problem for the other person. For example, I could share how I once had a boss who was a micromanager as well, and what I did was learn to anticipate what they needed so that when they dug in they could see it was already done. This is exactly what my coaching client does not need from me though.

I have to humble myself to realize that it is not about me. It is about the person I am coaching. Once I do this, I am ready to discover more about what the issue really is. I am ready to get curious and inquire.

Humble Inquiry Questions

These types of questions are not difficult. They are short and very open-ended. They spark immense curiosity in the conversation. Here are 4 of my favorites:

• Can you say more about that?

• Can you tell me a little bit more?

• Can you elaborate even further?

• What was that like for you?

The goal of the Humble Inquiry line of questions is to get the client to unpack more of what is on their mind. I am always amazed at how being curious about meaning takes the conversations to places I did not expect them to go. It is a bit like going to Disney World; I know it is going to be fun, but I just don’t know what I am going to discover when I get there.

My Number One Hack for Improving Relationships

Take them to lunch!

That is it. It really is that simple. Invite the person you are struggling to develop a relationship with to lunch. Your only objective is to get to know them better.

Although most studies indicate that sharing a meal contributes to communication and relationship development, many theories and research indicate that it is the specific practices at mealtime rather than the food itself or the ties that create the real value (Larson, Branscomb, & Wiley, 2006).

In one case study by Watland, Hallenbeck, & Kresse, (2008) police officers enrolled in an MBA program shared a meal together once a week. More than 69% of the participants indicated that their interactions with each other had positively affected the work of their department. The initial interactions among participants were built on getting to know each other better. This soon translated to a deeper knowledge and level of trust and the group began relying on each other to solve problems in the work setting.

Most sociologists tell us that it is not the food, but the dedicated mealtime, that is the developer of social bonds. I would propose that while eating, you can not talk as much and you are forced to listen more. If you really are enjoying your pizza so much that you would rather just ask a short question instead of getting back to the sausage and pepperoni, then maybe, just maybe, you will be nourished not only physically but spiritually as well.

So, if you are struggling with a relationship, invite them to lunch! What harm can it do?

While it may not solve all the problems, I think you will find if you practice Humble Inquiry, it is a step in the right direction.

Bon Appetit!

12 Great Reads to Develop Your EQ

Are you looking to develop your emotional intelligence?

These 12 books are a great place to start:

1. Primal Leadership by Daniel Goleman, Richard Boyatzis, and Annie McKee. This is a classic and puts EI into leadership styles where most people can relate to at least one.

2. Humble Inquiry by Egar Schein. Learn the importance of humbling yourself to be able to ask curious questions.

3. Stress Effect by Henry Thompson. Basic brain science related to EI in a very digestible format for those not steeped in neuroscience.

4. When the Body Says NO by Gabor Mate. This book (and his newest, The Myth of Normal) make the case for well-being and discuss the link between emotions and our physical health.

5. The Backpack by Tim Gardner. How to understand and manage emotions while loving yourself. This book is a bit different as it is written in story form, not like a typical psychology/self-help book.

6. Hardiness by Steve Stein and Paul Bartone: This is a book about resilience - not if we will face setbacks but when. Included is a model to stay resilient when we do.

7. Dare to Lead by Brene Brown: The best and most encompassing book on empathy I have seen.

8. Humility Is the New Smart: Rethinking Human Excellence by Edward Hess and Katherine Ludwig. A good integration on the EI leadership skill of the future: Humility.

9. The 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace: Empowering Organizations by Encouraging People by Gary Chapman and Paul White. A nice overview of interpersonal relationships and how others like to be appreciated.

10. Why We Sleep by Mathew Walker. Because I am convinced most people struggle with EI because they don't rest well.

11. Anxious by Joseph LeDoux. For those who want a deep dive into the neuroscience.

12. A Guided Journey to Practicing Emotional Intelligence by Dr. Scott Livingston. Perhaps a bit self-serving, but this is a journaling experience that helps leaders see EI competency growth.
    

Whether you're interested in learning more about the neuroscience of emotions or want to know how to better manage stress and relationships, I hope one of these books serves you well in this season.

Best Hopes,

Scott